Friday, January 29, 2010

He's just not that into you....

One of my favorite Bloggers, "Confessions of a Twenty-Something year Old" Had a blog today that I especially adored! So I am going to copy it here and add some of my own personal insights.
And honestly if you are a guy and "Can't" read this, then go grow some balls.

DISTINGUISHING GOOD GUYS FROM ASSHOLES: When to say Fuck it and Move on.
1. If he doesn't call without you having to ask, move on.
In an era where 3-cent texts and free chat messengers have taken over good old fashioned phone calls, a guy who's willing to dial your number to make plans or just to say hi, says a lot about him- mainly that he gives a shit, and that you're worth his time. It's not that I'm oudated or non-supportive of text messages and Skype, but you're getting to know a person, not a cursor. On that note, a guy who calls or texts back more than 6hours after you called without giving a reasonable explanation is not worth your time. Of course, what's "reasonable" is for you to decide.

Some of mine include:
- My dog ate my it, and I had to wait for it to shit it out.
- I didn't know it was you calling (if you're calling from a number that he has, there is no reason why he shouldn't know that it's you).
- I didn't know you wanted me to call you back.
- I assumed you would call back.
- I was really busy at work (and couldn't find two seconds, not even on my way to the bathroom to tell you that).
- I have a new cellphone and I don't know how to use it.
- My fingers are too fat, and I can't properly use the keypad.

(This I completely agree with. Woman calling/texting men first is a relatively new concept. If a guy doesn't respond or at least start instigating conversations, then I can't see how he is worth anyone's time.)

2. If he doesn't text/call you at a reasonable hour, move on.
He's only into your vagina if he's:
- Texting/calling you at 2:00am asking what you're doing.
- Texting/calling you to ask whether you'd like to meet up after you've both been out for the night.
(This is just common sense. But I would like to add IF he only seems to carry on an actual conversation when you're discussing sex as well.)
3. If you're telling him everything about your life and he's not telling you anything about his, move on.
I am fully aware that most men like to live in the present, and are reluctant to talk about their past, but when it comes to serious relationships, look for a dude who's willing to tell you shit- past, present or future, if only to make you happy.
(Letting me do most of the talking is nice....revert to point 4 here....however when I am getting to know someone I want to REALLY get to know them.)

4. If he doesn't remember anything you say, move on.
He's either got Alzheimer's or is just not that into you.
(AMEN!)

5. If he continues to talk to a girl that's not his bestfriend even after you've expressed your discomfort towards the whole situation, move on.
In the third month of our relationship, B cheated on me with a girl and lied about it. When I found out, I flipped out and told him to cease contact with her immediately. He didn't, and 2 months later, after they had ended their semester of school, he continued to message her saying he "missed" her. Now, let me tell you something, even if he said that in jest, that's not fucking funny, and if I had enough balls, I would have stabbed him in the face and ended it there and then. But I didn't. And he didn't cut contact with her until a year later. A guy who knows and is willing to cheat on you does not give a shit about you and does not deserve your time.
(This is one of those things that I am a stickler with too. I am too jealous to handle this, and have been cheated on. But I also wouldn't make whomever I was with put up with it from my end. )

6. If he's an asshole to those in the service industry, move on.
The way a guy is towards waiters, valets, cab drivers, etc, says a lot about his character, how he was brought up, and how respectful he'll be towards you. After all, would you really want to be with a guy who treats other people as if they're beneath him?
(Ok this one I can't believe people actually need to be told this.!)

7. If he's unwilling to deal with your baggage, move on.
It's almost expected that by the time you reach your mid-20's you will have issues. C'est la vie. But a guy who is worth your time is going to allow you to cry on his shoulder, listen to your complaints, and attempt to say something comforting.
(Crying is normal for woman. We just want to be held and told it's ok. When we are done crying we are done. All we will remember is that you were man enough not to leave us or act like it was a chore.)
8. If there is no chemistry, move on.
I am a firm believer in Chemistry. The feeling is either there or it's not, and it should take about three dates to find out. That is not to say that a cultivated relationship is doomed to failure, it's just, well, I believe in Chemistry. I believe in first instincts. And I believe that by now, you should know what you want in a guy. Sandy had a good point when she suggested that if you really want to find a guy, you have to understand what you're looking for.

For me, I like a guy who opens car doors and pulls out chairs. I like guys who take me to coffee shops rather than bars, hockey games rather than museums. I like a guy who's funny to be around but also knows when he needs to be serious. I can't stand a guy who talks about his job 24/7, a guy who drinks canned beer from a cup, a guy who whines and complains, an idealist, or a guy who is extremely right-wing.
(Ok those are hers. Mine are a bit more relaxed. I want someone who realizes that when you are in a serious relationship you are agreeing to put another persons desires and needs before your own. Someone who puts as much interest into what I like as I do for him. Someone not addicted to Video Games. Someone who keeps what happens in the bathroom to himself. Someone who not only knows how to fix a car but actually does it when it breaks down. Someone who has a brain and uses it. Someone who, when things are very serious between us, talks over his life plans with me THEN his friends. Not the other way around. If I am, or am to be, in your life I would like to be one of the first to know.)

What do you think of my guys-you-should-probably-stay-away-from list? What would you add or delete? What are the qualities you want in a guy/girl? And if you're already in a relationship/married, what are the qualities that attract you most to your husband/wife? If your relationship didn't work out, what was the dealbreaker?


I would love to carry on this conversation... ^^^^^ What are your opinions?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Dear Void,


Sometimes I wonder about my life.
I lead a small life. Well, not small, but
circumscribed. And sometimes I wonder,
do I do it because I like it, or because
I'm not being brave?
So much of what I
see reminds me of something I read in a
book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?
Perhaps it's small because it's mine?
Anything good in my life has come from the times
that I have boldly confronted the darkness.
But those days feel over.
I remember when I was the future of the world.
And now I am raising the future.
Who will soon move on and create his future,
and once again I will be sitting here feeling small.

I don't know if I want an answer to this.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Feathered Leaves


Rose scent rain.
A sky of whispered prayers.
I flit, barefoot over the cool moist ground.
On a day like this,
anything can happen.

I feel so light hearted.
Floating along the zephyrs,
I catch every scent from grass, flower and rain.
An earthy aphrodisiac that awakens the senses.

Nothing can remove the smile from my lips.
I feel above all you can say to bring me down.
Your words, though usually sharp like daggers,
pass over me like clouds on their eastward trek.

I leave you with you the venom on your tongue.
I hope it tastes like ash with a bitter edge.
I laugh with ease at your plight.

Lolita


She walks away and of course you only want her more.
You tell her so.
But all you get is a smile and a wink.
Your bones ache.
You need her.
You want to consume all her lines and glances,
so that it's only yours always.

Her with that slowly swaying walk.

One pouty lip and you were hooked.
Then a deep stare and you all but threw your heart at her.
That's all it took.
That slowly swaying walk
begging for your attention.



I'm Yours.


He came to me.
Rain beading off his skin and onto my welcome mat.
"I'm yours"
Written on his tongue.
His entire soul wrapped in a bow for me.
So simple.

He didn't wade through a field of daisies to pick the perfect rose.
Weighing each one's worth in his mind.
One glance and he knew he would always be mine.
And in return I didn't make him battle through
the labyrinth of demons vying for my attention.

It's you.
It's you.
It's You.

I run my fingers through your hair,
trying to memorize the scent of you

I fill up his eyes so completely,
no one else could fit in.

How amazing.

To find someone else who loves as single minded as I do.
And He loves only Me.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I NEEDOPINIONS!!

Say you and your significant other each have separate FB pages. And their is a couple you know with the same. You friend the husband and Wife and so does your husband. The wife accepts your husband's but denies yours, 3 times. Is that weird?
These are general acquaintances of yours. You have known them both for years, and you see each other on occasion and are friendly. As well as having many friends in common.

This is the situation I find myself in. I do not understand why she won't accept my request but will accept Seth's. AND she won't let her husband except mine either. WTF?
The catch is this..... YEARS ago she dated Seth's Best Friend and kissed Seth during. OK...then I knew her husband before they started dating and he had asked me out once, I said no...we remained friends. This was all between 10 and 7 years ago. We have hung out and been friendly with each other numerous times since then.
So...am I just being crazy for letting this irritate me? (I'm not mad or letting it ruin my day...it just bugs me.) I have talked to Seth and he thinks I need to get over it. Now if I was in an adult relationship I would tell him that it bothered me and that I would appreciate him being MY man and either de-friending her or explaining to her husband that the situation seems odd,
But I'm not in that kind of mature relationship...I have told Seth it makes me feel uncomfortable and he just looks at me and says "Well there is nothing I can do about it so get over it."

Really I don't think there is a wrong or right here...if someone doesn't want to be my friend then I can handle that. This particular situation just rubs me wrong and I want your opinion on how you would feel.

Doors

Come in through the front door please,
so I don't have to guess at your motives.
Walk over the thresh hold,
Shut the door firmly,
and bolt it.
So that your intentions are quite clear.

But to make things very understood,
why don't you get some bricks and mortar,
and seal up the door.
While you're at it paint it too.
Then no one will know the door was even there.

Or that the option of you leaving again was even available.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Steal This City for Me.


Steal this city.
Let it always be named after me.
Rope it tight.
And we'll drive off dragging it behind us.
Your eyes shine brighter with the stars reflected in them.

Welcome to my world.
The colors are so much brighter here.
And you are always so perfect
that I think I'll hold your hand forever.

That choice I need to make.
I'm afraid it will be too late.
Or maybe not soon enough.

Always call this city by my name when you speak of it.
Make the other girls jealous for me.
I'll hold the key, and you can unlock the door for me
when I come to visit.

Take the top down and speed through these streets.
Pretend that the wind will strip the past from us
and lay us clean and bare on the doorstep of a new life.
Second chances. It's all we need right?

Steal this city for me,
and I'll pretend this is just an illicit weekend for us.
Nothing serious going on in my head.
Not Now. Not Ever.
We'll even pretend that lie didn't happen.

Take this city by force.
And it will always be ours.
And you will never know that when I am in it
it's the only time I'm really alive.

The rest of the time I'm a haze in a fog.
Next to nothing.
But in this city, when I give you the key, I come alive.
But I never told you that part did I?

It's fine.
Just ignore that part.
I only write these nice lines
so that the harsh ones don't obscure the features of your face
that I love so much.

Steal this city.
Let it always be named after me.
Rope it tight.
And we'll drive off dragging it behind us.
Your eyes shine brighter with the stars reflected in them.

What would you like to know?

So one of my favorite Blogs, Screaming Whispers, has started a trend that I am going to steal from her! (Thanks for the stealing idea Allie!!)

What would you like to know about me?

Ask me anything and I will answer. You can ask me privately if you wish. You can email me your question (whimsical_miss@yahoo.com) and I will answer it and give you a nickname! lol
Any question, nothing is off limits! (Nikki I can't wait to see what you come up with!)

I'm very excited to see what everyone has to ask!
lol Eva I think you should have a post with everyone who has copied this idea from you listed!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

FRICK FRICK FRICK!!! (To quote Elliot from Scrubs)

My weekend seriously couldn't be worse. I'm just waiting to have a trip to the ER to top it all off.
Saturday I was trying to get everyone motivated so we could get stuff done! We are moving next weekend and I don't even have one box yet.
So waiting waiting waiting for Seth to be ready to leave(Finally at 1 pm).... Got my phone and still didn't work. Father in law said he would call Tmobile on Monday. GAY!! Seth threw his phone and broke it, so had to get that fixed. Went to Home Depot for paint for new furniture. Then went to new apt only to find out someone rented it out to someone else even though it was ours as of two weeks ago. So had to bitch to get that fixed. THEN came home to paint new furniture. (I had put it in apt downstairs since we were supposed to have been moving down there.) Only to see someone else moving into it! Apparently while I was gone someone went into that apt and threw all of my stuff in it away! So I lost a queen size bed and two nightstands, along with about 100 bucks worth of cleaning supplies. Literally I lost it and sobbed and screamed for an hour. ESPECIALLY cause Seth refused to call his boss/the landlord to ask her to do something about it. It wasn't until I tried to grab the phone from him and we were screaming obscenities at each other, that he finally relented and locked himself in our room to call her. Which didn't help a bit. BIG SURPRISE!!! If I had talked to her I guarantee I would have been reimbursed. If for no other reason that it was her employee that threw it all away!
However while Seth was in my room he discovered that while we were gone all last week mold had been popping out in the ceiling. (from the ceiling leaking) A foot of dark black mold. With chunks coming out of the ceiling where the wall and ceiling join. Just walking in my room now makes my eyes swell and gives me an asthma attack. So I can't go near my room, I'm sleeping on the couch, and I can't stop sneezing!!

Now today....been tearing my house a part. If I haven't used it in the last 6 months I have thrown it out. Just trying to get ready to move. SETH on the other hand has barely moved his butt off the couch. I only asked him to do two things. The laundry and the garbage. He started 3 loads this morning and hasn't finished them. He needed to go to the store and get some more cash for the machines. And of course he just played video games and watched Football all day.
So now I am staring at piles of stuff that is about to make me so frustrated that I am going to cry again.
Now he got called to work. So...I am stuck doing all this by myself with Caden tonight. Not to mention the fact that he will be gone working all week and I don't have a car to find boxes or move my stuff to the new place.
I could seriously scream right now.
I am about to make myself a drink, try not to cry, and maybe I'll have a nice conversation with someone who can cheer me up.
Or at least take my mind of things.

How about you....Take my mind off things? How was your weekend?

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Dream I had Last night.

"Well hello there." He said, turning towards me.
I had been dreading this moment for the last 2 minutes, ever since I had sat down and realized who the man next to me was. I wondered if he noticed me for being a woman, or if he remembered...
"Hello back." I said nonchalantly while taking a drink of my vodka tonic. Pear vodka, perfection.
He inclined his head in my direction and I knew what was coming.
"My name is..." I cut him off, "Jason Bean, yes I know." Ha. Not only doesn't he remember me but now I have thrown him off his game.
After blinking in surprise he tried again
"We have met before? I think I would remember someone as beautiful as you." Oh good lord, I thought. But I just smirked with annoyance and took another drink. Still not deterred he turned his whole body towards me seductively and asked "How about we get reacquainted then?"
"No thank you." I shot back, trying to suppress a laugh, point two for me.
"Why not?" he queried, obviously perturbed at a flat rejection.
"You had your chance." Please let this be the end of the conversation, I silently prayed.
"Well it's not fair that I don't remember." He was leaning forwards now, too close.
I rolled my eyes. Maybe he will get bored and leave, again.
"I'll tell you what" he said cockily, "You are obviously not from around here, and since you claim we knew each other before this, why don't you allow me to be your entertainment while you're in town."
That's it I'm done. Where is he?!
I turned around in my stool, away from the bar to scan the place. That handsome face, right behind me this whole time, listening in to my stupid conversation with a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth.
As I reached for him I realized he had given me the only empty stool at the bar, what a wonderful man. He gave me his hand and I pulled him to me, then reaching up I put both my hands on his cheeks and pulled him in for a long kiss. Pulling away I looked deep into his eyes but said to Jason "Not interested. I have a better offer."
With his hands now holding mine again Michael gently rubbed the tip of his nose along my jawline. Shivers went through me. Can he even begin to know what he does to me?
"Holy shit! You're Crystal Covell aren't you?" Jason said. Why was that creep still bothering me Dammit.
"Who is your friend sweets?" Michael asked me.
Oh yeah I thought, still need to think.
"Michael this is Jason. We used to work together at Arvest. And he was kind enough to give me a ride to the Tulsa airport when I left home." I said. Hoping that would be enough of an answer for everyone.
I looked into Michael's eyes again and tried to speak to him with just my thoughts. Ask me to dance!!
As though it worked he pulled me out into the music and held me in his arms.
And all else was forgotten.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Je suis dans une mauvaise humeur!!!


I'm in a bad mood.
I couldn't wait to get home!!! Mainly cause I wanted to curl up in my own bed under my comforter and with my half dozen pillows....but it rained in my room and not only could I grow a half acre of grass and rice in my carpet but it got my basketful of clean clothes and parts of my bed. So now I get to sleep on my own couch....HOWEVER...Seth invited one of his friends to spend the night Which means that I will have to stay up as late as them and watch their games until I can fall asleep. (This is making me cry!! DAMMIT I am so mad!!!)
AND... My sim card came in today...I had to go drive to the UPS place at 9 pm tonight to go get it from them. And I feel empty still....oh yeah it's cause I didn't get a phone tonight like I had been promised. ARGH!!!
AND Seth still hasn't bought me the paint I need for a project that I NEED to do this weekend so that a) I can get it out of the way and b) so that I have something to keep me busy.
AND AND AND!!!
I looked at my calendar and TODAY was the day I had planned on leaving for Arkansas. AND I'M NOT LEAVING TODAY! Which means my baby niece, whom I have yet to meet will be turning one without me this weekend. I won't get to see my best friend, or my best guy friend like I have been planning. And probly won't for a few more weeks!!!
I'm crying and I just want to break things!!!
I wanna be Godzilla and smash towns! Then I'll cry.

Baby, Baby, Baby-Bring me down.


I spent the last 4 days sleeping on a futon, working in dirty restaurants and being soaking wet in a smelly truck with just Seth. Surprisingly no one died.
We cussed at each other a lot and fought often. But that's really nothing new. I cooked dinner for him. (We stayed at a friend's house while we were working in the Bay Area.) He bought me some new books. I didn't whine about him playing his games till two in the morning. And he didn't whine when I needed to nap.
But I couldn't get it to be more than that. I don't know if it was cause it was just the two of us or what but he was so clingy, and it drove me insane. Normally I love that kind of thing, but not with Seth.
I keep testing myself, making sure this is what I want, and it's always a resounding yes. Every time he touched me, asked me what I was thinking, tried to kiss me, I pushed him away. I can't let him in like that again. I don't want him that close to me.
It was horrible. I didn't even know how to tell him AGAIN how I was feeling.
He has been my whole adult life. And I am scared about life without him. And in many ways I do still love him. But I love who I wish he would be. And the good parts about him just aren't seen enough.
Don't get me wrong. He has changed SO much since we split up that it's almost night and day. But it hasn't been enough. He is not the man I need him to be. And instead of trying to be that person he just tells me that "Neither one of us is who the other needs."
Not only has it not been enough... The changes he has made doesn't make up for the hurt from his actions the last 6 years.
One of my friends thought at first, that when I was going to work with Seth this week it meant I was going to try to work on things with him. Isn't it sad that I don't even think of that as being an option? Working on things with Seth just means getting through the day to day things without being so mad that I beat him over the head with the nearest sharp object.

Anywho....like I said I keep trying to see if I can make my heart change but it is very stuck on no. And I don't blame it.

Why are there so many, songs about Rainbows?

It has been pouring down rain here all week. But a few times I saw a rainbow. Snapped the above photo with my DSi. Rainbows have always held special meaning to me. and I have always loved the song Rainbow Connection.
A rainbow is a promise. First it was a promise from God to Noah that he would never flood the earth again. That no matter how hard or long it rained the earth would be ok. But I feel as though I always see rainbows when I am on the threshold of some new chapter in my life.
When I was 12 and my parents decided to move to Oklahoma I was heartbroken and mad. I was leaving my home, my friends, my grandparents, my cat....everything that I knew and cared about. And I did anything I could think of to raise Hell. The day before we left it poured rain, perfect for my mood and made putting things into the moving truck harder... perfect. But when the rain stopped something amazing was in the sky.

A Double Rainbow.
The only one I have ever seen. I took this picture and never forgot it. That night I felt more at ease, and I was very well behaved, all though teary, the whole next day when we left.
Over the next 5 years when things seemed more than I could bare I always thought of my double rainbow and the promise that everything would be ok.

So what does my rainbow sitings from this week mean? Probly nothing more than a pretty ethereal site after a hard rain. But they still remind me that I am starting a new chapter in my life and no matter what I do...It will be ok.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Forgivness

There are those who clutch to resentment like it were a treasure of great worth. This is foolishness.
The question to be asked is not how badly we were wronged, but what are we profited by our unforgiveness?
My grandpa used to say that The heaviest load a body could carry was a grudge. When you carry around somethin heavy all it does is wear you out. It doesn't make you stronger until you put it down.
So when you carry around a grudge you're giving that person a power over you, the control of dragging you down.
I have “forgiven” my parents so many times. Always realizing that it was only a forgiveness that came from time healing hurt. When I realised that my first thought was "Oh well."
But they aren't a part of my life anymore.So why bother forgiving them?
And then it hit me...Forgiveness is not some gift I'm giving them. More than likely they will never even know.
And that's the key... I must forgive them if I ever want to be free of them. We are indellibly chained to that which we do not forgive.
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy but because the Ship is.
Someone once said that "Anyone can forgive if they will make the decision to. It may not come all at once, as resentment is a habit and must be coaxed from the heart. But with time it will come."
Forgivness doesn't mean Im excusing all they did or even letting them back in. It simply means Im letting them go.
I do believe that forgiveness is the greatest way of showing love though.

Dreams

I wanna hear about dreams.
Dreams have always been a huge deal to me, especially since i saw Cinderella as a kid "A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep."
Usually my dreams make me feel very strongly. My friends are used to me calling to check on them after dreams sometimes.
Recently i have had someone i care about appearing in my dreams regularly. I havent ever had that happen before but it makes me feel safe!
So i wanna hear about your dreams. Every detail! Especially if i was in it. lol

Wednesday Wednesday

Sleepy today! Really irritated that i cant answer my emails...so to the few who have emailed me that also read my blog ill answer you here.
Nikker-doodles my love! Your news is awesome!I cant get it out of my head. can you get the name of the facility? i might have worked there before through a medical staffer. but its awesome to know i could do that kind of work again.

To my other someone special...
my DSi is a gameboy (basically) from nintendo. but it's also a wireless web browser and camera.
im dying to know what your "masterpiece" is!! Im pissed that i cant download it. i love getting your emails...please dont stop.

as for everything else...i got up at 6 for work. went to palo alto to service a system but they need their tanks replaced so i have to reset the bid and do it another day. then went to pleasanton to take care of some extinguishers at a home depot. tonight at ten i have to service a boston market back in palo alto.
then tomorrow ill be workin in frisco all day (yay) If we do 3 jobs tomorrow and 3 friday we'll be caught up. and i just found out ill be workin monday from 10pm to 7am puttin in a new system. ugh.
workin with seth is not fun. its dirty, i brake my nails (pssh...yes i said it. my nails dammit!) and we bicker. but it's good cause when it comes time to buy my airfare or a new phone i can remind him that i earned it.
yes nik...i realise thats gay but thats seth. im just glad to know the rules now.
im gonna hop in the shower and relax before work tonight. MWAH!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Crazy week ahead!

So since I don't have a phone and my car is still dying, I decided it was best to work with Seth this week. Caden is with his grandparents, and Im in the bay area. I can't respond to emails for some weird reason, on my DSi...so Ill just post blogs when I can.
Miss you all this week.
-MC*

Skyler-The Lost (Short Story) Part 1

"Your wondering what's on the other side of the hill is what's going to get you into trouble girl." She told herself silently as she continued to climb up the next one. She felt a certain sense of urgency that she couldn't explain, as she followed the trail she had seen the 4 young deer take just moments before. But she had no where to be and no on to report back to so she continued on.

Maybe it was that thought which was so hard for her to get used to. She was her own person. She had worked so long and so hard for her own freedom, but even though she had it she was still plagued with the thought that she could lose it at any time.

She shuddered inwardly and pushed those thoughts from her head. As she continued up her climb, she'd pause every so often and take a closer look at the scenery around her, breathing in the fresh scent of spring air on a warm afternoon.

When she had reached the top, instead of looking up at the sky, or back at how far she had come, she looked down, peering through the tall puzzle limbed trees she would soon be walking under, trying to decide which path looked the most interesting to hike down. Once she had chosen, she took her sweater off and wrapped it around her waist, revealing muscular, tanned arms and a well proportioned body under a sky blue tank top.

After bending down to pull the cuff of her jeans back over her boot she inwardly blew a kiss to the sun for good luck and set off on her round about way home.
She was very happy with the path she had taken. Soft green grass grew under her and big trees surrounded her. She took a deep breath and dreaded having to leave.

"CRACK-SSST!"

Instinctively she crouched down and put her hands up behind her head and looked around trying to see who had shot at her.
"Don't shoot!" She yelled down , unable to see who it was, "I'm unarmed."
"What are you doing here?" A male voice yelled from below.
"I was just out for a walk. I'm sorry I was unaware I was tresspassing." She yelled, still holding her hands behind her head, but slowly edging downwards.
"Shit Brian, it's a girl!" A man's voice said.
"Of course it's a girl! No guy could walk that softly."
Being slightly frightened at the fact that there were now two armed men, she stopped and leaned on the nearest tree. Everything got really quiet, and then four men came into her view.
She almost laughed aloud! They were younger than her! Probly barely out of school. But on the other hand they all held guns.

"So what are you doing here anyways?" One of them asked her.

Undermining her first nature to walk up and grab the nearest one's gun and beat him over the head with it, she unwillingly switched off her protective predator instincts. Slowly pushing her breasts forward and shoulders back, she carefully walked towards the men, making sure to take each step in such a way that made her hips sway. And dropping her voice down into it's deep southern drawl, she became the person she had tried so hard to forget had ever existed.

"Oh I am so sorry. I was just out walkin and and got lost. Lord O' Mercy ya'll must be my guardian angels here to rescue me."

She continued, willing this to work.

Deceived.


Somehow I deceived myself into thinking
you were waiting for me.
That you had seen all along the parts
of me you couldn't live without and were
just waiting for me to catch on.
As though I were the touchstone
all else was measured by.

For some reason I convinced myself that a
romantic scene existed.
Where you waited for me to be free so you
could show me you were the knight from my
dreams.

I led myself into portraying you
with all sorts of wholesome farmboy
qualities, that made you too endearing
for me to resist.

But now I know what I didn't before.
And I'm fighting with myself
to not see the little horns that I think
are popping out.
They scare me so.

So who are you really?
And what could you possibly want from me?

I believed you to be so honorable.
I don't want to doubt that.
I'd love to see you fight to prove me
wrong.
But I'm not sure you care enough to try.

Such a story weaver am I, that I deceived even
myself.
Which means there is no one to blame, but
me.

Monday, January 18, 2010

All the Words


Putting words together.
I do it without thinking- Like breathing.
They come so fluidly that I don't know how to turn them off.
I put pen to paper and I don't know how to stop.

Words are all that's left to me now.
All these words used as ties that bind.
My only tool to steal your heart.
I have spent my life mixing them,
Wielding them with a reckless power.

Words can't replace feelings.
But they can ease them into emerging.
There are words somewhere,
words that will reach your heart.
But they hang so delicately out of my reach.

I can sense them.
Floating above me on a silver thread.
Fluttering on the edge of my consciousness.
If I reach too quickly they evade my grasp.

So I'll sit here softly.
Waiting for one to trust me.
To edge itself so lovingly into my palm.
Where I can hold it, and mold it into the key
I need to lock you to me.

Just to say I'm sorry. I had wrote a nice one too.

Drove down your street today.
Humming our song with the windows down.
Lazily I lick my lips and run my fingers through my hair.

Trees sway around me.
Swaying cool and slow to their little tune.
I try to keep time but fail miserably.

You and I go back so far that I know
my hand is safe in yours.
So I smile and slow down
to enjoy the scenery.
It's all the little things that
make you dear to me.

Take a walk with me.
Let's make some memories.
And how about we stay carefree?

Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Stranger-Short Story

THE STRANGER!
I would like to do some advertising for this wonderful short story. It is a Western.
(Took me about 15 minutes to read)
I am thoroughly enthralled with it and have been wishing it was much longer.
This story is not for the faint of heart however.
I think that the writer deserves some feedback, and the encouragement to write more short stories.
PLEASE!
If you read my blog check this one out too and let the author know what you think.
And if you like the story please recommend it as well.

~Click here to read THE STRANGER.~

Please Miss Me.


I'm trying not to think of you.
(This isn't fair!)
I'm desperately holding myself back from starting a conversation with you.
(Please don't make me wait!)
I think of ways to nonchalantly message you
so that you can't help but picture me,
and maybe even miss me a little.
(I hope you think of me.)

But no. I won't bend first.
Not this time.
I want my absence to be a void in your life.
A hole so noticeable that you can't help
but jump into it and ache for me.

And then you can sit here and wonder.
Wonder what I'm doing.
Wonder if I'm thinking of you.
And wonder how to fix things.

I know what I want now.
"A love that I would fight for and give my life for."
I know what I expect now.
"A man who loves me enough that he won't make me fight for him."

I have no need to settle for less.

Pink Ribbon

I will not say which one I am....But I am in this picture. This is what I did last Sunday...I can't wait to see the big one with 500 Breast Cancer survivors!
This was a shoot I did with Asa while I was pregnant. You try balancing on tiptoe when you are two weeks till your due date!! lol But he can get you to do anything.
If you would like to check out his website
http://www.asamathat.com/

Saturday, January 16, 2010

What to say

All the things I want to say,
It's a fire roaring inside me.
trying to find a way out.
I won't let it escape.
And the smoke is choking me.

All the words I wish you'd say
to quench my pain.
But they lay silent in your mouth.

And I can't sleep.
I toss and turn in a haze.
My brain though is screaming at you!

"You're fucking up a good thing."

A million little dreams.
Each one of them is a new way to tell you.
They haunt me.

What to say.
What to say.
What to say.

Don't be a pussy.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Travel by Sea.

To travel on the sea,
is to move in a place where time does not exist.
Only sunrises and sunsets to mark the passing of a day.
One sits,
with neither tasks nor duties,
contemplating the thin gray ribbon of horizon,
and the ever changing,
undulant,
landscape of the sea.
The scene in the boat's wake alters as swiftly as the view from the prow,
there is not way to recognize where one has been...
nor where one is going.
And after only a few moments,
the succession of ridges and peaks below you begins to repeat itself so monotonously,
that one begins to wonder if any progress has been made at all...

Time to face my feelings.

It's been an interesting week. Sunday I lost my phone. Basically...It was stolen. My phone that was so perfect for me, that I worked my ass off for, that I begged for months for....Gone. Now I have been phone-less since Sunday and I am cranky.
Sunday I also went and did a photo shoot for my friend Asa. He was commissioned to do a banner for Breast Cancer Awareness. Ten of us woman stripped naked, painted ourselves head to toe pink and laid out as the Ribbon and Asa photographed us from above. HOPEFULLY any day now he will have the photos up and I can post some on here. I had such a great time! I got to work with woman who were much older than myself and who are very influential business woman in our little town of Rio Vista. It was an eye opening experience in many ways.
One of the woman is going through a divorce. And the more champagne we all drank the more she told us about it. Her husband is addicted to drugs. Has been for years. She married him at 26 when their daughter was 2. Her daughter is now 13, and has told her mom to leave her father. She said that her mom is too good to put up with that. And is strong enough to move on. I cried. I kept thinking of Caden coming to me at 13 and saying something similar and I couldn't handle it.
I asked her if she wishes she had left him sooner or if she is glad she tried to make it work for so long. And then she said something that made the tears flow fresh, and gave me goose bumps.
She said she married him because she was in love with the idea of him. She loved the thought of being married and marrying her daughter's father. And that she stuck it out because she hoped he would love her enough to change. That for all the changing she had done, she always assumed her good example would inspire him. And she realized that it would never have been like that. She said she wished she would have seen him for what he was and not for who she hoped he would be. Because then she wouldn't have married him.
I felt like I had been punched. How many times have I said those same words to myself, or to Seth? Telling him if he loved me enough he would change? I always thought one day he would see how much I had changed for him and he would do it for me.
I don't want to be here in ten years looking at myself in the mirror and realizing I should have thought a bit more clearly.
After the shoot I was pretty emotional. (Partly cause my phone was lost) I went to my in-laws to scare them with my pink body, they weren't home, so I called Seth to tell him I would be heading home but also that I would be stopping to look for my phone.
It was then that he told me he would be in his sister's wedding next month.
That about knocked me off my ass.
He has one sister. And he will be in both of her weddings.
I have one sister and two brothers and I will be lucky to meet their spouses after it's all said and done.
I have never been in a wedding. Not even my own. I think that's a right of passage for girls. You are in your GF's weddings and your sisters. but I lost all of that when I married Seth, and when we got back together. I chose him over my family. And I am still being punished for it. He doesn't deserve it. It's all I can think. He does not deserve that. But yet he gets the honor. And I get to sit back and try not to cry. His sister's weddings, and his friends....and I sit in the chair and watch. And it kills me more and more every time.
It's the stupidest thing....But it really does break my heart. And not even just because I won't be in someone's wedding. But also because I wasn't in mine. No white dress, no friends or family present, no walking down the aisle, no rings, and no pictures what-so-ever.
And I hate him for it. I hate myself too. More of what I gave up for him and it hasn't been worth it.
I'm mad, sad, angry...crying again.
But there is my update for right now.

Dear John


I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines

The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see

I touch the place where I'd find your face

My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar

There is no peace that I've found so far

The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises

Ghosts with just voices

Your words in my memory

Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,

I lay down on the cold ground
I,
I pray that something picks me up

And sets me down in your warm arms
After I have travelled so far

We'd set the fire to the third bar

We'd share each other like an island

Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off

Your soft skin is weeping

A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,

I lay down on the cold ground
And I,
I pray that something picks me up

and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I,
I pray that something picks me up
and
sets me down in your warm arms

You're not Stupid



Verse 1:
You're miserable and you don't know why.
All you can see are the ways you went wrong.
Clouds of tears storm your eyes.
You know you should have done better.
You could see through this if only your mind
would work correctly.
Just once.

Chorus:
You're not stupid-You're just not thinking clearly.
Step back my love.
Breathe in deeply.
Think.
I know you can do this, you're not stupid.

Verse 2:
You always ask yourself where you went wrong.
That's mature.
But it's not always you screwin things up.
Cast your eyes on those around you, they make mistakes too.
Even when they mean well.
Come now, blink back the tears,
stifle the rising sob.
You can do this.

(CHORUS)

Verse 3:
If we never stepped a foot wrong
how would we learn?
If we never messed up
how could we ever show love through an apology?
You're tryin your hardest and that's
all anyone can do.
Now think!
Calm your mind and think clearly.

(CHORUS)

Bridge:
You know you're not stupid.
You're just letting your emotions
cloud your judgment.
Take the time to cry out the tears.
But then you need to think clearly.

Chorus:
You're not stupid-You're just not thinking clearly.
Step back my love.
Breathe in deeply.
Think.
I know you can do this, you're not stupid.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Boring


I'm under the weather, Just like the sun.
Sorry I'm so boring.
I'm getting soaked to my skin.
Constantly bailing out water, but I still feel like I'm gonna sink.
And you are so much more than you seem.
The places you've been, the things you have learned,
they sit with you so beautifully.
So sorry for being so boring.
It isn't very difficult to see why
you are the way you are.
You got to try to trust yourself.
But I know that's so hard.
And I am being so boring.
How do I show all the love in my heart?
Well this is new and I'm feelin my way through the dark.
And I need some protection
from my bullet proof plan.
Feel like I know you now.
And I will for always.
Even though I am so boring.
But I do think...
Like if I got lost would you go looking for me?
If I was a second too late or a moment too long would you wait for me?
Commonly connected by somethin bigger.
Sorry for being so boring.

Maybe


If you only knew that I was hanging by a thread
would it make any change in you?
If you could only understand how I review
the moments to see what could be fixed.
Maybe then you would finally see things from my side.
See how hard this is on me.
Maybe even see me.

If you could only see the image of my heart crumbling slowly
....maybe maybe.
Maybe you would decide to be the man you were supposed to be.
Maybe if you could only to try to see, maybe the effort would be enough.

Maybe if you could see how many times I have tried
to hold on even though I know you're already gone.
I can't help but think that if you only knew....

Friday, January 8, 2010

Burn

I shudder, and my mind clears.
But my longing for you returns so swiftly.
Your lips on my skin.
So soft and wet.
A feeling that resonates in my skin and shatters my self-control.
Emotions rise to the surface and move me to action.
I need to see you now.
Feel your body do things to mine that
I can't express in words.
Oh just fill me up!
I'm a flame.
But with you I'm burning brighter, hotter.
Stand so close and burn with me.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Trying to see around the wall.



I feel like I have this wall in front of me. When I try to climb over it I slide off. I tried to dig under it but I couldn't find the under. I wanted to walk around it but it never ended. Now i'm just pushin on the bricks...eventually one will give and the secret door will creak open, yes?


Me and my crazy self. That's who.
Since Monday....I haven't sang, and I have canceled my lessons. I only wrote, though not posted, twice. But I have read 3 books. I have come up with a few ideas for my life, although still no solutions to my hardest questions.
I I keep re reading all of your comments from my argument with Nikki. Some of them left me stunned.
As always, my dear cousin Kristina, you know just what to say to get to the heart of the matter. I feel unbalanced. And I am desperately trying to get things back to an even keel, but perhaps I over compensate. You said "it's tempting to go to the extreme and punish ourselves." It's why I cut myself and had an eating disorder as a teenager. When you feel out of control you do anything to feel some control. And you're right. We know it doesn't work in the end.
Eva, you are a complete stranger and yet you think I am inspiring. I look forward to logging onto Blogger everyday so that I can read what YOU wrote. Because I think it's amazing and special to find someone who I have never met that can write what's in my soul. Your words always make me feel and think. I know that your book will be popular someday and I will marvel that you wish to inspire me.
Allie, I don't think age has anything on experience. Never doubt yourself because you think you are young. Because you will always be younger than someone else. You are very correct that when something is written out the whole world seems clear. Getting the words out of your head and onto paper... they have their own life, their own power. They can either hurt or heal, but always they make change. Life is messy yes...but how much of that mess do we create ourselves?

I have not made any decisions on anything. Mainly cause I know it will be foolish to say anything definitive before I see Nikki. We will fight and laugh and cry and in the end we will make the decision together.
I have to admit that I do feel a bit uncluttered now. Although I do have an overwhelming sadness in me. Almost like I lost a friend. But their are many new things taking place, hard decisions to be made, and this time of year with the cold and clouds can make even the most devout rain lover feel heartsick.
Thank you all.

Post by Miss from cell


I don’t get people sometimes. Seth of course is who I am referring to, since he is the only one I know that I cant freakin understand ever!!! He whines that I'm standing firm on separate rooms and my own privacy, which means no coming in to pee when im in the tub, or to talk when I'm changing clothes. And yet he wont do a dam thing to change!! He stays up till 2 or 3 playing violent video games with god knows who from all over the world, then when he is tired the next day he wants me to feel bad for him. Oh hell no!!!
get your ass off the couch. Do the dishes like I begged you to do. Take out the trash like you promised. Read a book. Brush your dam teeth. Anything really would be an improvement at this point.
maybe that's why I feel so stagnant. If you care about yourself try to improve. How is that too hard to get? I'm constantly trying to better myself.....is this just a guy thing? Am I being too judgmental?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

This is Nikki

I’m taking over Miss’ blog for a second to post the conversation I had with her earlier. She sent me the previous post to publish for her, and I put up a fight before I did. Please help me, help her understand that she doesn’t have to give up what she loves or give up being who she is to make the change that she needs to finally be happy.

smyles00: holy crap miss! don't you dare stop writing! its not stupid or childish. its a way of release, its a hobby and you'd go nuts without that
smyles00: secondly, i'm sorry seth is being a douche. i hope he doesn't drag this whole thing out and make things worse for you
barbie_hick: I have to stop Nikki.
smyles00: why do you have to stop? because i think your nuts if you do
barbie_hick: What's it helping me accomplish? Nothing. Two things I have done my entire life and they have both been a huge waste of time.
smyles00: does it not feel awesome to write something? if it doesn't then stop. but if it makes you happy or makes you feel good, then it isn't a problem
barbie_hick: It makes me feel good yes. But its not helping make my life better.
smyles00: if i don't write something or read something, i start to get angsty. i start to feel closed in, like theres no excitement no newness
smyles00: its not making it worse by any means.
barbie_hick: If I don't completely change who I am my life will never get better. I need to stop throwing myself into books and music and writing.
smyles00: if thats all you do, then yeah, back off. but if it helps you clear your head, then stopping it won't help you at all.
smyles00: sweetie i'm afraid your looking at this way wrong.
barbie_hick: I just have to figure out how to be someone else. And stopping what I have always done seems to be the best way.
smyles00: no! omg why on earth do you think you need to change and be someone else?
smyles00: sweetie i'm being serious. writing, music and reading is not a waste of time. its a hobby, its a release, its a part of who you are. you stop
smyles00: that, you stop being miss. and that is so not going to fix anything. that is only going to make everything worse
barbie_hick: I have to be someone else if I want things to change. Who I am now doesn't make things change or get better!
smyles00: who says?
barbie_hick: Me
smyles00: ha well no offense, but you are wrong and your only feeling this way because of something someone sad
smyles00: its one thing to improve how you do things, or even to try to see things differently. but to change who you are completely, that will add problems
barbie_hick: Fine. I had my singing lesson yesterday and it was just more funny than serious. And someone asked me why I did it still. And it made me realise that I h
barbie_hick: ad never thought about it. I did it cause I liked it and always have and nothing more. Its never done anything for me.
smyles00: then quit that, but not the writing. you can't quit everything miss
smyles00: are you mad at me?
barbie_hick: I have been thinking about this all day yesterday and today. Just post my blog please. I need to keep myself free of distractions while I figure out what to do.
barbie_hick: I won't stop posting updates on me or my health. I won't stop blogging. I am just choosing to be analytical instead of creative right now.
barbie_hick: No of course not!
barbie_hick: I could never ever be mad at you! Never! I would rather hurt myself than be mad at you.
smyles00: I will once I understand why. Because to me, this is coming across I'm giving up on everything that makes me happy because I'm miserable
smyles00: good, i'm just trying to be helpful
barbie_hick: Reading a book. Singing. Putting words together... Its all taking up time that I need to be using to change my life.
smyles00: lol you do realize that if i was saying that, you'd be beating me? you do need to focus on getting things better, but part of that is being happy
smyles00: and you can't be happy if you give up the things that make you happy
barbie_hick: What if its these things that are making me unhappy?
smyles00: how are they making you unhappy then? because a hobby hasn't taken off and made you a career? many people have hobbies that do nothing for them
barbie_hick: Maybe cause it takes up all of my time.
smyles00: then back off of it, but don't stop it all together.
barbie_hick: I just think stopping everything... At least for awhile is what I need.
smyles00: are you sure? or is it because someone told you this? doing the things you love to keep you sane, is not being selfish.
smyles00: i'm just trying to make sure he didn't say something to you thats caused this. because this doesn't sound like you
barbie_hick: No one said anything. I just started thinking.
barbie_hick: Good
smyles00: part of me not understanding this is because, i could not give those things up for anything, it keeps me going
smyles00: what do you mean good? and what do you mean by you want to change who you are? i don't get that
barbie_hick: Good that I don't sound like me.
smyles00: ugh woman, if i could scream i would have. why do you not want to be you?
barbie_hick: What good has it done me to be me?! I always get hurt or get screwed over!!
smyles00: omg sweetie! it has NOTHING to do with you. it has to do with those around you.
smyles00: thats like saying that anyone ever hurt is responsible for it happening. and that is not true. i did nothing to deserve the crap i put up with
smyles00: in highschool, i thought i did, i thought i wasn't good enough to be happy. that it was me that was the problem. that i had to pretend to be
smyles00: someone i wasn't just so people liked me. and i was wrong. omg was i wrong.
barbie_hick: Then if its the people around me something about me is bringing them in!!!
smyles00: no! no no no! omg i wish i was there to help you.

barbie_hick: I just need to do this for awhile.
smyles00: i'm afraid for you right now miss. you sound like i did before i got meds.
barbie_hick: Im not saying im going to kill myself! I just have to fix my life.
smyles00: lol i know but fixing your life, is not changing everything about yourself. its changing your environment. changing your location or job
smyles00: what would you say to me if i said, i'm stopping everything that i do, everything that makes me me, because it hasn't gotten me anywhere.
barbie_hick: But I can't do any of those things without being prepared.
smyles00: you don't have to stop writing, to find a new job. or changing who you are to move. all you need is a newspaper, a phone and some paper and a pen
barbie_hick: There is a difference Nikki! You don't get screwed over by everyone around you. Your marriage isn't falling apart. You don't have to move half way across
barbie_hick: the country to feel safe! If you did then maybe you could understand.
smyles00: oh sweetie. i know i am not going through this, and i haven't to this extent, but as someone who loves you and would never hurt you i swear to you
smyles00: that you have done NOTHING to deserve any of this. you are an awesome person, who deserves to be loved and treated better. and i will all i can
smyles00: to make that happen. and i'll be damned if i let you give up on yourself because others are fucking stupid and causing you to feel like this
barbie_hick: Come on Nikki! I mean I have no family, my best friend lives two thousand miles away, I have an entire shit load of inlaws who all hate me because they a
barbie_hick: ssume I slept with someone other than seth two years ago, and all because I didn't feel like dealing with Seth's BS anymore, and it doesn't even matter t
barbie_hick: o them that a month after I left he started dating someone else and got married!! I got raped by my best friend who WAS A GIRL. Who then went after my hu
barbie_hick: sband while trying to convince him and his whole family I was a cheater.... And that's just the inlaws!!
smyles00: yeah thats them, baby that is them not you. you didn't do any of that. you didn't say hey, hurt me. you trusted them, you loved them
smyles00: omg miss, i'm so sorry i can't help you more than by texting or a phone call. i hate that i can't do more for you to see how awesome you are
barbie_hick: My husband prefers porn to me and can't figure out why that is so horrible and makes me hate myself. My family LITERALLY says im the devil for having any
barbie_hick: thing to do with my real dad. And im scared as shit every day that im going to get hurt again and that I will screw up caden's life. So... Yes I need to
barbie_hick: make changes. A whole heaping shit load of them.
smyles00: yes, by getting away from all those people who are causing you harm. in all that you said, its what others have done to you, not you to them
barbie_hick: I know enough to know that at times like this all I can do to change the situation is fix myself. That's all im trying to do. And ill be there in a few w
barbie_hick: eeks. You can argue with me then.
smyles00: lol you better believe i will and so will bo
barbie_hick: Lol Bo won't do nothin. He knows better than to jump in if the two of us are going at it.
smyles00: haha yeah....well he'd want to assist but he agrees with me that its not you who needs to change
barbie_hick: Lol well then ill argue with him too. Just post my blog. Please.

smyles00: ok
barbie_hick: Thank you.I love you.

I have been arguing with Seth since 1130 and crying for the last hour. My eyes hurt and my head throbs and my heart aches! He is going to make this a custody battle, I just know it. And I’m not prepared for this. I’m so scared and I’m so alone. And I’m wishing something will happen to make whatever I need to do clear.
I’m a grown ass woman wishing for a sign, when I should be taking charge of my life and writing it out for myself. Oh how low I have come.
And I think I need to stop singing and writing poetry. They are both stupid things I have wasted my life doing and they have done nothing for me. I need to be an adult. Not living in some make believe world.
I think I could feel more like I’m doing the right things if I could just stop crying!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Trust Me


I feel as though I have found something special.
But I keep losing my grip on it.
And yet you...You hold me to you without touch.

You think you love me because I'm fragile.
And here I thought that I was so strong.
But then you lift my heart for just a moment.
And all my fragile strength is gone.
I am so lost to you now.
And no amount of reason will save me.

I'm trying to protect myself.
I know, now, you could hurt me as easily as anyone.
You could bend me till I break,
and yet I'm asking you to trust me.

I'm lost in you.
But I ask for your trust.
Breathe me in.
I'll make you whole.

You Pull Away.


You hold yourself back from me.
One carefully measured step.
I can feel it.
Even though you think I can't.
It scares me.
Please don't make me fight for you.

I think too much.
We both know it.
I over analyze it all.
But only I know how much that destroys me.

You think I need you too much.
I think you don't know that I'm what you need.
I tell myself it doesn't matter.
We have time.
You'll see.
But I feel it when you pull away.
And I wonder if you will take the time.

You pull away.
And I doubt you.
Then I hate myself.
It doesn't matter, we have time.
I repeat it till I believe it again.

I'm ALIVE!!! Kinda....


I have been gone since Wednesday. Miss me? Well I do have a good reason.
SO...Wednesday at 4 am I woke up with intense pain in my lower abdomen. My first thought was that one or both of my ovaries had collapsed. The pain was so bad I threw up, and was so dizzy I could barely walk down the hallway. I called Seth, who was at a friend's house in the bay area, and woke him up. (I didn't know who else to call.) He had just gone to bed less than an hour ago, so I had to work REALLY hard to get him to wake up. I was in so much pain I had tears runnin down my face. I just kept asking him to talk to me, take my mind off the pain while the vicodin kicked in. I begged him, tell me a story, a real one, a fairytale, finally I asked to hear about the latest football game. Which he knew by heart. Of course. By the time he was done the pain was fading and I hung up and fell asleep.
I woke up at nine and the pain was coming back. So I took some more meds. Threw dinner into the crockpot and called Seth. I told him I needed to go to the ER. He wasn't supposed to be back till the next day. So he said he was going to sleep for an hour or so more and then head the 2 hours or so home. He got back a little before noon and we trekked off to the hospital. Of course Seth and Caden had started arguing before we even left the house. So the whole trip there Caden was crying and Seth was yelling and I was begging Nikki to remind me why this was worth it!!!!!
We spent 3 hours waiting in the ER. But as soon as I got back into a room they had me hooked up to an IV and a morphine drip. LOVELY!!!
They did ultrasounds first. First a regular one, then the wand that goes INSIDE. (OUCH) Then even worse....they put in a catheter, inflated my bladder and then did the first ultrasound again. (DOUBLE OUCH!!!) All they could tell me was that I had one cyst on my left ovary. (I could and did tell them that before they got started.)
After I got back from that, and had MORE morphine, they decided to do a pelvic exam. (yay) My ER doc didn't hear me or didn't believe (Or in my morphine induced stupor I didn't actually tell him) when I told him I needed the Child's speculum...Needless to say by the time he was done my Blossom was wilted.
At that point I was on so much morphine and had been given 4 litres of fluid that I was nauseated and then they gave me something for that and I slept for over an hour. While I slept Seth took Caden to spend the night with Kevin and Jenna. (THEY ROCK!!!) When he came back it was 11 pm and I had been at the ER since noonish. The doc finally came in at midnight and told me they had no answers. And that they wanted to keep me overnight. I told them I didn't care anymore, that I was ready to go home if they didn't mind, and she agreed that would be best. (THANKFULLY!!! Cause Seth was so irritating at the hospital that I wanted to claw his eyes out!) She said she felt it had something to do with the PCOS and that they would never know what it really was, and that if I had more pain I could just come back. (Oh yeah)
So by 1-ish in the morning I was home and tucked into my own bed.

The next morning I was still hung over from the morphine and needed to take more pills, which means I needed coffee and something to eat. I offered to make breakfast if I could get some help since I was still pretty dizzy, but Seth said we would just go grab something. I figured that meant we would go to Denny's or something....so I was shocked when at 11 am he said Taco Bell. Ugh. So I said I needed breakfast. He said only one place was still serving breakfast. And I said Oh, Jack in the Box. Which I know he doesn't like. So I said we didn't need to go there. He said we would try Carl's Jr. And I said they weren't making breakfast anymore. But he drove their anyway. Which of course they weren't serving breakfast. So I ordered coffee, and he got mad that I didn't want food. And I got mad and said sorry that a cheeseburger sounded gross at 11 am!!! So I got coffee. He got a burger. My cup had a hole so it leaked on me all day. And I kept wishing he would get heart burn. No such luck.
We picked up Caden...apparently moments after he threw up on Kev and Jen's couch. Great. AND OF COURSE...that did not stop Seth from yelling at Caden for something stupid on the 5 minute drive home.
Needless to say I was spent. I crawled up to my apt, flopped down on the bed, and cried myself to sleep.
Seth told me just after 5 that we had to leave at 6 to go out to dinner with friends. Apparently He had just made the plans. So I scrambled around trying to get dressed in time. Only to find out we were going to sushi. Which is ok.....normally. Not my favorite. And that night it was just not gonna work with my already upset tummy.
But I was the good wife, got dressed, and went out with a smile on my face, and didn't have to bad a time. Then our friends wanted to go see Sherlock Holmes. I was dying to see it again but Seth didn't want to take Caden. So I chose to go home and let him go out, they are really his friends anyways. I came home, put the monster to bed, talked to my friends, watched the ball drop and kissed my dog at midnight.
TaDa!!!
Oh and my keyboard/computer had a Y2K meltdown Wednesday morning...I just got it semi fixed tonight.