Friday, July 18, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
One day, some day, I will be thankful for the friends who tell me I'm worth more.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
I hate you.
Right now, in this moment, I hate you.
I look at the messes you left me with, and I despise you for being weak and a coward.
I despise you for being a liar.
I hate how think you hide it from everyone.
I hate how you blame everyone else.
I hate that you are too much of a bastard to look at yourself closely and admit what you've done.
I hate how you'll be an example our son grows up seeing.
I hate how you can minimize all of your mistakes.
And blow off all of our special moments as being stupid.
I hate that you only bother to see the bad times and none of the good.
I hate that you viewed our marriage as optional and not permanent.
But I hate you for thinking of me as forgettable. As a second place citizen.
It makes you no better than anyone else.
And I hate me the most for thinking you were better.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Monday, September 2, 2013
Miss me? I know, it's been awhile since I checked in. I have been busy with life, as I am sure you understand.
I want to welcome you all, especially you Moms and soon to be Mothers, to my new blog:
I appreciate any and all of your support as I chronicle my life as a birth Doula here in Sacramento, California.
If you have any of your own Birth stories that you would like to share, I would love to have you guest post on my new Blog. Home births, Hospital Births, C-Sections, whatever your birth was I would love to share it. Thank you all for your continued love and support. I can't wait to hear more from you.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Second chances happen.
It could be you.
My heart could race so fast.
It would be your smile.
Once again I'd be pining for you from far away.
All of a sudden I'm fifteen and I'm wishing you'll hold my hand and kiss me under the stars.
Who could have even guessed life would make such a circle?
My hands shake.
My heart races.
My cheeks flush.
My head doesn't know if it should run to or away from you.Who knew?
Lost in my day dreams.
I shudder, and my mind clears.
But my longing for you returns so swiftly.
Your lips on my skin.
So soft and wet.
A feeling that resonates in my mind and shatters my self-control.
Emotions rise to the surface and move me to action.
I need to see you now.
Feel your body do things to mine that
I can't express in words.
Oh just fill me up!
I'm a flame.
But with you I'm burning brighter, hotter.
Stand so close and burn with me.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
He didn't have strength to get dressed after his bath. Just fell asleep on me wrapped in towels.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
While my sick child is safely amused by the iPod, I'm luxuriating in a milk-lavendar-chamomile hot bubble bath.
Calgon Take Me Away.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
I am quite blessed in having friends who are creative, and I love that they are using Etsy.com to showcase their wonderful creations.
Today I am going to share with you Gloriously Created Gifts , an Etsy shop that is owned by a very dear and personal friend of mine.
I was lucky enough to be able to receive 2 of her hand made Victorian necklaces to review.
The First One:
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Well you just couldn't let it go could you? You couldn't just call me and have it out, you had to keep being that traitorous knife in the back. You left your comment FOR ME, on someone else's blog, just so you could post it anonymously. Do you realize how childish that is? Do you think that gives you plausible deniability? Pretty much every blogger worth their words knows how to track an IP address. Consider that next time.
Since YOU chose to drag this on then let's get it all out on the table. You seem to think that the way YOU remember things is the only right way. But one thing you should have learned in your 50+ years is that No matter how flat you make a pancake there are always 2 sides.
2. At that time Seth had NOT cheated on me. And you did not encourage me at all when it came to making my marriage work. You and Bill and Elisha yelled at me the night that I left to get him from the airport. You made me cry and feel like the worst person in the world. Even though I knew what I was doing was the best thing, I was making my marriage work. My husband was trying to make our marriage work. I will never regret that decision. You even took me to the elders in the congregation because I (At 23 years of age) wouldn't do what you told me to, just because I lived in your house. Which was to divorce Seth and take full custody of Caden. I'm not a heartless witch like you. Seth loves Caden and is a good dad. I'm very sorry that you have always been too quick to harbor a grudge to see that. I will NEVER remove Caden from Seth's life as long as Seth chooses to put Caden first. Get that through your thick skull!
3. Seth looked hard for a job. The night he arrived he spent the whole time throwing up from the flu, and then went out that morning to look for a job. Which he did the entire 6 days we were at your house together. He applied EVERYWHERE that you or Bill or anyone else suggested. You just assumed he didn't want to be there, and wasn't actually looking. The sad thing was that he really wanted things to work our for us there with you and Bill. He wanted me to have the support and love of my family, since he'd had it for all the previous years. He wanted to get to know all of you and make it work. But YOU assumed, and YOU lied and YOU kicked us out. YOU chose to make things as hard on us as possible.
As I recall you waited for a time when Bill was out of town, then all of a sudden YOU couldn't find your checkbook. Instead of asking for help looking for it, you assumed Seth or I stole it. You and Elisha cancelled your checking act, and then had Bill come back early. You waited for Seth and I to LEAVE JOB HUNTING, and then you went through our room. You saw the obvious signs that we were still having sex, and decided to really make things rough. You and Bill sat us down and kicked us out. You gave us the number to a HOMELESS shelter, and then said that you would keep Caden. While we packed our things you and Bill and Elisha had a mini party in your bedroom WITH CAKE! You never once came out to help or say goodbye when you had the chance. We were right in your house so it wouldn't have been an inconvenience, IF you really loved your grandchild. Then what did you expect us to do? We went and stayed 2 nights with a friend, but since Seth already had an apt and a job in California, with a boss who wanted him back SO badly that he paid our gas and motels for the way home (Sounds like Seth is the kind of person who refuses to work pfft) We chose to go back to California. Why would I expect Seth, or even want to myself, to stay anywhere near you after that??
4. I mooched money off of everyone using Caden as an excuse??? 1 brother from your congregation gave me $50.00 for gas to help me with my job hunting. And I told him I would pay him back, but he said it was a gift from him and his wife. Sounds like I just robbed everyone blind!! Let's not forget that SETH'S BOSS PAID FOR OUR WAY HOME!! And his parents also loaned us money (That was paid back years ago) so that we could see some fun sites on our way home.
5. How can you even say that I never let you have contact with Caden after that? You never called. You never wrote letters or emails to him. I even sent you an email with a copy of his Kindergarten picture asking you to let me know if you wanted a real one because I had saved the 8x15 for you. And YOU never responded. When Caden and I came out there last year to say goodbye to Grandpa I allowed you to spend as much time with Caden as possible. You were the one who didn't allow us to come and visit you at your house, and refused to eat lunch with us when we drove through YOUR town on our way home. Don't try to play this game with me Mother Dearest. I have all of my cell phone bills and emails spanning back from the last 4 years, and I can back up everything I say.
6. You claim I am angry with you for working 4 jobs to support us kids. How much sense does that make? First of all YOU ARE THE MOM. You are the mom who CHOSE to marry the DEAD BEAT!! It was your job to support us. What you want a cookie?? A medal?? You chose to have children, and you never let any of us live it down that you could have been a famous horse trainer if you hadn't have gotten knocked up. Guess what?? Men plan and God laughs. That's right. Life doesn't go as planned. Do you think I wanted to become a mother at 19? NOPE! But I made the best of it. You will never catch me saying or thinking that my life would have been better if it wasn't for Caden. I am an amazing person, and it's in thanks to Caden. He is an awe-inspiring child. And that's due to Seth and I being grade A parents. Sorry if that's too much for you to wrap your head around but the proof is in the child himself. And let's not forget how hard I worked as well. I had a paper route when I was 11, and I also spent my summers working with you at the horse ranch. When we moved to Oklahoma I got up at 4 am to help Kurt deliver the mail, then I went to school, then I worked with you at the Grocery store, and then I went back to work with Kurt delivering mail. When we moved to Arkansas I got a job waitressing. Then at 15 years old I went to school to get my CNA license. When I couldn't find a job right away doing that I worked 2 jobs waitressing. Then I worked 40+ hours a week as a CNA. Then when you had your car accident I quite my job, that I enjoyed and went to school for, so that I could work at the bank with you and be able to drive you back and forth until you were healed. And every time you or Kurt asked me for money I gave it. I bought my own clothes and sundries as well. I even bought groceries. I worked hard for my family. I gave all of you everything I had. And as a very sad and depressed teenager, I did the best I could.
7. You never lied? You were always our best friend? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. How about telling me that my real-dad molested me JUST so that you could have a scriptural divorce and be able to remarry? How about faking "Hang-Up" calls while I was home alone, and telling me that my real dad wanted to kill me so that I was so scared we "Had" to move to Oklahoma to be safe? How about blaming an entire group of people for forcing you to marry Kurt? Pretty sure NO ONE forced you to marry anyone, especially not the day after your divorce was finalized from my dad. NO ONE would have encouraged you to marry or even date someone if your divorce was not finalized yet. Especially since you already had 3 kids. How about the fact that you KNEW Kurt was trying to mess with me? You once called me his "little whore". So you KNEW that he was trying to get into my room at night, you knew that I was the one sneaking out to sleep in the horse trailer at night, you also knew what would happen when you stopped sharing a room with him, and had me go bunk in the water heater closet ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE, while you share my bed with my sister. Because you knew he had rape fantasies, you also knew he had sodomized a young boy and molested his half sister, but you did nothing to protect us. You once told me that if I beat him up in self defense of one of the times he hit me, that you would call the police on me. Because you needed his SSI to pay the rent. With a best friend like you who needs enemies?? As far as I am concerned you are just as guilty for his actions as he is. Oh I know that you claim you were making plans to leave him! You just needed more time. But what were your plans again??? Oh that's right. You wanted me, at 17 years old, to co-sign on a mortgage loan for a house with you. Why?? Why, when you could have easily afforded to buy a house on your own in town, did you need my help?? Because YOU wanted a house in the country. You looked right at me and said "I won't give up my horses. No man will ever make me give up my horses again." But what you meant was "No one, man or child." You were selfish. You chose your wants over the needs of your children. And you wonder why you never got that mother of the year award.
8. Do you remember what happened about 2 years ago when I called you crying because I found out I had the start of cervical cancer what you said to me? "That's what you get for having a cheating husband." And you wonder why I don't want you in my life.
9. You have even gone so far as to write out your sister, brother and parents from your life. Your parents who have GIVEN YOU PLENTY OF MONEY, to help you pay your bills. Or PAID YOUR GAS just so you could come and visit them. And what did you do?? YOU wrote all of them horrible letters telling them that they were bad people and that they were not allowed in your life. YOU also refused to help your dad out when he was dying in the hospital. Your siblings came from thousands of miles away to be there, and you couldn't even drive the hour to the hospital to help out your mother OR go to the funeral. All you could do was sew discord, instead of make peace.
You are a lying, miserable, pathetic excuse of a woman. I want nothing to do with you. I don't seek you out online and try to make you feel bad for yourself or your past actions. I learned to let it all go. I realized that as sad as it made me to have "Orphan status" I was happier in the long run without you being a feature in my life. I have always loved you, Bill and the my siblings. I have always felt a big gaping whole in my life that I do not know my siblings as adults. But all I can do is wait for the day Jehovah God opens their eyes to the truth about me. Instead of only hearing your constant lies and assumptions in their ears over and over and over.
Do you need more Mother Dearest??? Because I can continue. Are you going to have Elisha try to stand up for you next? There isn't anything anyone can say at this point, to redeem you. All you do is lie. And you do it over and over and over again to try to prove that you speak the truth. You try to make your memories everyone else's. You brain wash them. It's a sick and sadistic trait of yours. And it's why you will not have a relationship with your grandchild until you change. If anything happens to me FULL Custody goes to Seth. If anything happens to Seth and me, full custody goes to SETH'S PARENTS, Les and Helen. Or Seth's Sister and her husband. And next in line is our best friends KEVIN AND JENA. And no one is under any obligation from me to have you be a part of his life.
Get it through your head. I can sit here and be as miserable and as angry about my past as you can. I can find a million different ways to blame you. But I don't need to. My life made me the strong person and good mother that I am. Crap happens. That's just life in this system. But I will not allow it to continue. Until you can learn to take responsibility of your own mistakes and make HONEST apologies and changes, you and I are not family. You are not my mother.
And you need to stay out of my life.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Your most despicable Comment
I am a good person. With a good heart. My friends love me, and consider me family. But more importantly, Jehovah loves me and has forgiven me for all of my past mistakes, My conscience is clean. And because of that, I couldn't care less how you feel or view me.
Try to enjoy living your life, it will be much easier to do when you have your nose out of mine.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
I want to tell you just how "whole and unbroken" Miss Boudoir is.
Friday, December 30, 2011
After much thought and
Now since I was not born into the Royal family PWT made me sign a petition stating that I would steer clear of her Beer Tab crown....
I am pretty sure the hooker made me sign away my left boob with it.
But I decided then and there that I needed my own crown. I asked the Queen about it and she told me she wasn't gonna piss money away on something I could get at the dollar store, when it would probly just get swallowed by a gator in the first place. I tried to explain that we could insure it in case something happened, but she got a phone call from PWT that sent her running and screaming out the door. Something about handicapped fish sticks and red rum... Sounded down right delish to me! So maybe that's why she flew out the door like her ass was on fire. Or maybe it's some sex position I am not familiar with... Either way I still wanted my dam crown.
The next day I was surprised with a party in my honor at the castle!
Auntie Dutch had even had the hookers make me a dress!!
What did you expect.... we spend all of our money on gin!! But I did hear that the Bartender broke into the Queen's personal stash of TP for the special occasion.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
I hope you've all been keeping up with the other Royals and our exploits out on the high seas.
The Dutchess thought she was playing in a Scavenger Hunt and really she just picked up my shopping list. You have to watch these broads... they steal your crap!!
PWT stopped being a legal genius long enough to catch a heli out to the ship, and then we caught her texting on her cell phone, rambling on and on about auto-correct, dead hookers... and I am pretty sure a few racial slurs. She started to cry cerebral-rape when we grabbed her phone and threw it over board. But the Queen put a bottle in her hand and she calmed down. So much for leaving the spoiled princesses on the mainland!!
In case you are not aware, the Royal bartender and I won a contest of sorts... We still haven't received our prizes yet. Which really isn't that surprising since the Queen jips us on our W-2's already, cheap twat.
The Royal Sister Wife decided to take over the Captain's position, because she felt that having the sluttiest captain's costume made it so. And of course no one was sober enough to ask her for a drivers license or learners permit or green card, so we ended up out in the middle of nowhere.... Which is how this story begins...
Being lost on the ocean isn't so bad... unless you have a bunch of drunk/high old woman. The Queen assumed that since she can "Witch Water" she can navigate by the stars... Which consisted of us mainly sailing in circles trying to catch the brightest stars. It wasn't until morning came and the Dutchess saw my tshirt, that all hell broke loose. I should known better....