Wednesday, March 25, 2015

When we both have sinus infections, we Co-Sleep and share the humidifier. Night night all!

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I got to be @kailysanders assistant tonight! Always fun!

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Have I told you that my baby sister is engaged? Henry and Elisha. I love these photos!! �� ��

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Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Dear Future Husband

Maybe I know you already, maybe I don't. Maybe you don't exist. This post isn't to tell you who you should be, this is to explain who I am.

The one thing I am so sick of hearing is "How could he leave someone like you?" Because, honestly, I know why. I don't tell you, because you'll assume I am just being self deprecating, when I'm actually being honest. You look at me and you see wide green/gold eyes and great boobs and you'll fall in love with what you see.

Then you'll talk to my friends who will tell you that I love taking care of people. That I cook and clean and have manners. That I am fairly smart, and sometimes funny. That my son is handsome and intelligent and very silly and kind.
On paper, I look like a catch. So how could my ex leave someone like me?

I won't sugar coat it. I put my husband through hell. He had to pay for the sins of a lot of bad people who had been in my life. (No, this doesn't mean I deserved to be cheated on and lied to. But this isn't that post. This also isn't me taking the blame for his actions.)
My husband's main complaint about me, the one that he had for years, the one that pushed him over the edge, and the one that no one else could see but him: I didn't share myself. 
Don't get me wrong, I talk all the time. I write non stop. But you ask me what I'm thinking or feeling, or you want me to explain what my poetry means... I can't. All of a sudden the words dry up and I start to panic. My breathing changes and my heart races and I feel nausea. It's a problem. It's not ok. But that's my normal. Occasionally, if I am so worn out, and so broken down emotionally, the words will pulse forth in a torrent, and you'll find yourself drowning in a verbal vomit. But that's not healthy either.
You think that doesn't sound bad? I have more....

I wield sarcasm like a sword fencing master too. Nothing pushes someone away faster than a few quick witted jabs.

You mean the proper response to "Babe, what are you thinking about?" isn't "Your mom." ?
How about the follow up response: "Nothing."
That one word single-handedly destroyed my ex-husband. He knew I was lying every time I said it. It didn't matter that I wasn't lying on purpose. All he ever heard was "You're not good enough to hear my thoughts." I wasn't ever brave enough to tell him that what I was thinking was "You don't want to hear my thoughts. They aren't good enough for you."
There were a small handful of times I did tell him what I was thinking.... Sometimes I had a flash back of a bad memory, or I was lost in wishing I could change the past...... But all he could say was "Why would you think that?" "That's awful!" And he was right. 

I am a scheduler, a planner and an organizer. I need my life to be routine. I need to feel the control of my day planned out. Variations come in, only after I can really think about it. This is great in a lot of ways... Until my plans unexpectedly change, and I have to fight off the panic attack while re-organizing my head. To my ADD ex-husband who thrives on change and spontaneity, I was torture. I understand now why he said he had to kill off parts of himself to be with me.

I can't give complements. Well I can. I just don't think I do it well, and so I don't say anything. AWFUL FOR A MARRIAGE. My way of telling my husband I loved him/thought he was handsome/smart/helpful.... A picture of him on Instagram, or a tag in my Facebook post. Which for him, was the equivalent of me stabbing his eye with a pencil. When I did try to tell him face to face, he told me I was retarded. He was right. I was awkward at it, and so he felt it was forced and not true. It hurt more than it helped.

So here we go, a bunch of things, future husband, you'll have to contend with. Yes I am working on these things, and even my ex-husband has been surprised a few times with my changes thus far. But this will mostly be who I am for the rest of my life. There is a lot of darkness and fear and distrust in me that accompanies all of the good you'll hear about. And it won't always balance out. Maybe you think you can wait it out, give me something to believe in and it'll be different for us.... My ex-husband tried for almost 12 years, granted he had a few self-imposed setbacks. But you can't say he didn't put in the time. 
But you also can't say I didn't warn you.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Mind your business

Stay in your lane
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Sunday, March 22, 2015

Snuggles with my baby!!

Doula Baby!!
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Before and after of #MudFactor 2015

Before and after of ‪#‎MudFactor‬ 5K 2015 and it really was ‪#‎SeriouslyFun‬
I'm so proud of myself. I kept my momentum the whole track, I did every obstacle flawlessly the first time, and I enjoyed every minute of it!
I'm ready for the next one!
And if you're wondering about my makeup, I definitely put my ‪#‎Younique‬ to the test today. It's not only water proof, it's mud proof.
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#MudFactor 5k obstacle mud run.

#MudFactor 5k obstacle mud run... we did it in 1 hour and 15 minutes. Can't wait for next year!!
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Saturday, March 21, 2015

Adventures in home ownership, part 1! #MickensLoveNest

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‪#‎GratitudeForward‬ I love reminders that touch my heart. Forgiveness is key to living a happy life. Whether it's with your mate, friends or even family. To help me forgive, I try to keep in mind how often I'm forgiven without my knowledge.
I'm tagging @phyli91 today!
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Off to Chinese

Off to Chinese with the parents. I love this view. #RiverDelta
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Friday, March 20, 2015


"Every field wears a bonnet,
With some spring daisies on it.
Even birds of a feather show their clothes off together.
Sun's gettin' shinery,
to spotlight the finery.
Spring! Spring! Spring!"
Happy first day of spring.
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Sooooooo.... I'm gonna be that person. #Divergent

Sooooooo.... I'm gonna be that person. #Divergent #DISAPPOINTED And yes, of course, #IReadTheBooks .....4 times. I will say, it was entertaining. And the company was incomparable.

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Thursday, March 19, 2015

You're trippin

I had to re-share this post... I've been laughing about it for two days.
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Wednesday, March 18, 2015

You're bored again

Without even trying you tear me a part.
Dismember me, limb by limb.
Then you stare, confused.
What do you do now?
No idea how to put me back together,
No desire to either.
Because that's to hard.
And you see, I'm not surprising.
Not entertaining.
Now you're bored again.
You want to move on without worrying about the mess.
Because the mess is always my job.
I wish my heart had doors to keep you out.
Strong locks with unbreakable codes.
So strong, I'd never know when you screamed through the peephole.
You remind me of why I stay behind my walls.
Why I made them so thick.
The immobilizing pain of being shredded is too much to keep receiving.
And you do it, because you don't know who you are.
You dig through me to find yourself.
There is no balm for this burn.
You don't look back as you leave me to bleed away.
And you don't even close the door on your way out.....


I can finally share.... My baby sister Elisha is engaged!!! Welcome to the family Henry. I always wanted another brother. ;-)
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Sacramento Runs!

From now till August, I am running! Already booked up for 5 runs with my girls. I'M SO EXCITED!! #HotMomsRun #MudFactor #ColorVibe #DavisMoonLightRace #ColorRun
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Tuesday, March 17, 2015

T-Shirt DIY

Just finished a super simple #DIY I wanted a fun shirt to wear to the #MudFactor run on Sunday. I spent about $10 buying a white shirt, a stencil, glue, and dye. And TaDa!!! I love it! #ThankYouPinterest
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Gratitude Forward

#GratitudeForward The blessing that I daily thank Jehovah for, is true friends. My dearest friends keep in contact with me daily. They forgive me when I'm having a rough day. They will have the oddest conversations with me when I'm needing some intellectual stimulus. They pray for me. They lean on me when they need support. They call or text just to make me laugh, or just to hear my voice. They'll even join SnapChat just because some days it's easier for me. They love me unconditionally. They are my "brothers born in times of distress". And without their continued support and love I wouldn't be the best me. 30 days of gratitude and I tag @sugarnay . Even though I hate you, and you're totally going to suck at this.
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Monday, March 16, 2015

Gratitude Forward

#GratitudeForward I'm grateful to Jehovah for my job and my boss. On Sunday night, even though I felt bad about telling my boss Caden was sick and I'd need a day off, I had no worries about what he would say. To take a Monday off of work, during the busiest part of the season, is unfair to a work force. But my boss took it in stride. When I first got the call from the agency that I was needed at a CPA firm, I wasn't interested. But I went on the interview because I needed something and Jehovah blesses effort. The temporary position, became permanent. And even though it's been a hard learning curve for me, I have enjoyed it. 30 Day grateful challenge.... I tag @mrbowmansqueen You know what to do sis.
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Sunday, March 15, 2015

Sick Baby

Fever, double ear infection, no appetite, and an upset stomach. Oooooh the joys of being a parent.
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Sick Saturdays

He was up all night with an ear infection, and he's been laying around with his cat all day. #SuperFastCaden #SecretAgentCATastrophic
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Gratitude Forward Challenge

My little loves, my pupcakes, my dogters... Whatever you want to call them, animals are a blessing from Jehovah that I am truly grateful for. Growing up, we were known as "Noah's Ark" for all of the different animals we had. My love of animals, and my desire to care for them eventually led me to become a Veterinary Nurse. No matter the animal, they bring such joy and love into our lives. They are a precious gift from God. #GratitudeForward I now tag @reynoldseight Every day, for 30 days, share a photo of what you are thankful to Jehovah for. And tag a friend each day, to share their gratitude as well.

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Saturday, March 14, 2015

30 Day Grateful Challenge day 3

I'm grateful for music and art. And the ability to appreciate it. Not just to listen and see, but to feel it so deeply that it removes you from yourself for a brief moment. #GratitudeForward I tag @niknakpattiwakk Every day for 30 days, share something that you are thankful to Jehovah for, and tag a friend each day.

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