Heart Break Resolutions

When my ex husband left me, it should have been a wake-up call.  But it wasn't.
He left me with $3000 in debt to the electrical company,  and a house we were being evicted from. I had less than a month to come up with the money to move into a new place.  I found a 2 bedroom apt for Caden and I, in a bad neighborhood,  but I made sure it wasn't far from his dad.  I found the baby sitter and paid her myself.  I'd get to work late 2 days a week so I could go to food banks.  I worked 3 jobs just to pay the bills.  Sometimes leaving Caden tucked into bed alone,  while I walked down the street to waitress at Dennys,  hoping I'd make enough in tips to have gas money for the next day.  I bought Caden's clothes, shoes,  drove him to my Inlaws house for weekends away,  bought the school pictures,  took him to every Dr apt, you name it.  I did it and I paid for it. 
But I was so worried,  so concerned,  about my ex. That every gift I gave Caden,  included his dad's name.  I sent him the school photos I paid for.  I would buy him food when he'd tell me he couldn't keep Caden for the weekend because he couldn't afford to feed him.  I'd help him with gas. I made sure his things were packed nicely and even stored some of his stuff at my house at his request.  I obeyed every request,  jumped through every hoop,  and I spent my time wondering what else I could do to make him happy. I'd even text him when he was missed,  when friends asked about him.  When I had memories of good times.  When I felt he needed a hug or just to be told he was loved,  I did it. And I did it for over a year.
Until the bank called.  They were shutting down my bank act and credit card. I didn't know I had them.  Apparently my ex had opened them up in our names before he'd left and then he ran them up.  I asked them to send me the statements for every month. It was a heart breaking,  soul crushing,  eye opening experience.
He ate out at nice places 3 times a day.  He took his mistress to hotels.  He went on trips.  He would spend a couple hundred dollars at the mall.  He'd blow a hundred bucks on sushi dates every week.  Trips to the movies. He paid for Tinder Plus and Match.Com All the time I'm struggling and fighting to take care of Caden and be supportive of him, I even went 2 weeks eating nothing but Squash and tomatoes from my friends garden, and he was treating me like the doormat I was.  Shortly after that I filed for divorce.
I allowed someone,  who had cheated on me and told me I was ugly and worthless and stupid,  to use me up completely. To drain me dry. All because I didn't want them to feel unloved. I didn't want them to feel as though they had been given up on, or forgotten.
I knew that pain,  exquisitely, and I could not handle another heart feeling it. Especially if I could stop it.
The problem is that I have not stopped. I haven't learned the lesson. And I still allow people to take and drain me.
I go out of my way to help people feel special.  To feel loved. To feel thought about,  needed and wanted. I'm the friend everyone calls when they need a ride,  or advice,  or a meal,  or clothes to borrow,  or just a hug.  But it ends up being a draining and painful experience when I'm done.
I have to stop chasing after people who are not chasing after me.
I have to stop giving love to people who can't offer me simple courtesies.
I need to only invite people into my life who match my effort. 
I need to stop accepting less for myself.
And I'm going to.
Call it a resolution,  or a realization,  or a defining moment. But this is what my new goal is.
And its going to be hard and it will hurt....  But I'll be better for it.

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