I never counted the cost to myself,  of what it meant to stay.
Continuously trapping myself in a cycle of pain.
I was too busy trying to convince you I was worth staying around for.
I never stopped to wonder if you were worth it.

So willing to pay any cost,  no thought to my own needs.
I bought every word you read me with pleasure.
Begging for more,  not caring if the script was believable.
The result was that I got so caught up trying to save you,
That I lost myself.
Solid air.
I existed invisibly.
Eventually even you stopped noticing me.

And you didn't stay.
I sacrificed everything.
And then you broke the last of me as you walked away.
Now that I've swept up the last of the mess you made,
All I can see,
Is that you were never worth me.
I'm glad I didn't stay, waiting on a soul who was never here to begin with.

It's taken me all this time to realize you never once said you were scared to lose me. Those were my lines. Whispered and screamed on repeat. It shouldn't have surprised me when you left. When you could walk away with a cold finality. You weren't scared of losing me. You never saw me as a loss.

Still smells of you.

And the picture we hung by the door

Lays smashed and picture perfect.

Explains now,

Clearly, nothing left but a memory.

We only made out.

You never kissed me.

That's how I learned to hold back all feeling.

Wait, please don't go!

I won't stay with

All these words on replay.

I'm okay.

It's alright.

Good to know that you're fine.

Pretending everything is right to make you feel better,

I'll hide my make-up smeared eyes.

And show that I'm fine.

Somehow you had managed to get under my skin,

More than anyone ever did.

And if every hole makes a scar,

And every scar marks it's place,

Then I will never live freely without your trace!

And it'll never be fair because

I wrote my songs for you and you never even cared.

So I'll forget you.

I'll wash your t-shirt.

And kill the pillow and

Cut you out of pictures.

Wait, please don't go!

I won't stay.

With all these words on replay.

I'm okay.

It's all right.

Good to know that you're fine.

Pretending everything is right to make you feel better.

I'll hide my make-up smeared eyes.

This drama sat shotgun,

My eyes rain like autumn,

Only the glove box knows,

How the story goes.

Now that this bandage is broken,

And the cut's left and open,

Tell ya just one thing, this wasn't worth the sting.

Tell ya just one thing, this wasn't worth the sting

I won't stay with

All these words on replay.

I'm okay.

It's alright.

Good to know that you're fine.

Pretending everything is right to make you feel better,

I'll hide my make-up smeared eyes.

And show that I'm fine.

Am I sad about the divorce? OF COURSE!! I put 12 years of hard work into my marriage. Not to mention the damage it's done to my son. But the man I loved, he was murdered by a selfish coward. And the sociopath walking around in his skin holds no interest for me.




If someone who has lost all contact with their Family, and life long friends due to their inability to be honest and loyal is who you want to date, then be prepared for the heartache to follow.


Not to mention, what kind of man loses 2 jobs in one year? What kind of man has his car, that's not even running, repossessed? What kind of man, can't see his child more than a few hours a month, when he doesn't even have a job? What kind of man claims to love 3 different women within the span of 1 year?



Until then, stop stressing about me. I'm not competition, because I don't want him. And you have bigger issues to worry about.

I feel like this is a post that will continually be updated....

The other night I was talking with a friend of mine, and I made a comment about wanting to lay out in the sun and get started on my tan before an upcoming music festival. Their comment to me was "Why not use a tanning bed again?" I laughed because my son had said something similar a few days before. When my son said it, I immediately dismissed his comment with the thought process of "Maybe one day I can afford things like that again." But when my friend suggested it, I couldn't get the longing out of my head. Years ago, when I was married and working full time, things like going to the gym, tanning, getting my nails and hair done, and getting my eye brows waxed, were all general upkeep of Me. They were my time to gather myself and feel pretty. (I really miss a nap in a tanning bed.)
A few years before my marriage ended, I stopped doing those things. My, soon to be Ex-Husband, wanted me to spend more time at home caring for our son. Quitting my full time work meant simplifying, and simplifying meant discovering my natural hair color, my natural nail bed, and tanning by the sun when I did yard work. I didn't mind it much. My Ex told me he never noticed or cared for those things anyways, and I was contributing to my family.
But now, looking back, I realized I gave up doing things that made me happy. Things that made me feel pretty and confident.
It's slightly demoralizing to realize he didn't give up the things that made him happy. And the girls he left me for, weren't natural anything. Not only did he not care about what made me happy, but I didn't care enough about myself to make something that made me feel good a priority.

Now I am a single mom. Working full time and fighting every month for some kind of child support. And I keep telling myself that one day it'll be easier. I tell myself that my son doesn't care what I look like, because he's getting what he needs. (His asthma medications, his school pictures, new shoes...) But maybe one day he will care how I feel about myself? Tanning beds and Gel Nails, might not be in my near future, but I do need to get creative in finding ways of regaining my confidence. In feeling beautiful as a Single Mom.

Maybe I know you already, maybe I don't. Maybe you don't exist. This post isn't to tell you who you should be, this is to explain who I am.

The one thing I am so sick of hearing is "How could he leave someone like you?" Because, honestly, I know why. I don't tell you, because you'll assume I am just being self deprecating, when I'm actually being honest. You look at me and you see wide green/gold eyes and great boobs and you'll fall in love with what you see.

Then you'll talk to my friends who will tell you that I love taking care of people. That I cook and clean and have manners. That I am fairly smart, and sometimes funny. That my son is handsome and intelligent and very silly and kind.
On paper, I look like a catch. So how could my ex leave someone like me?


I won't sugar coat it. I put my husband through hell. He had to pay for the sins of a lot of bad people who had been in my life. (No, this doesn't mean I deserved to be cheated on and lied to. But this isn't that post. This also isn't me taking the blame for his actions.)
My husband's main complaint about me, the one that he had for years, the one that pushed him over the edge, and the one that no one else could see but him: I didn't share myself. 
Don't get me wrong, I talk all the time. I write non stop. But you ask me what I'm thinking or feeling, or you want me to explain what my poetry means... I can't. All of a sudden the words dry up and I start to panic. My breathing changes and my heart races and I feel nausea. It's a problem. It's not ok. But that's my normal. Occasionally, if I am so worn out, and so broken down emotionally, the words will pulse forth in a torrent, and you'll find yourself drowning in a verbal vomit. But that's not healthy either.
You think that doesn't sound bad? I have more....

I wield sarcasm like a sword fencing master too. Nothing pushes someone away faster than a few quick witted jabs.

I am a scheduler, a planner and an organizer. I need my life to be routine. I need to feel the control of my day planned out. Variations come in, only after I can really think about it. This is great in a lot of ways... Until my plans unexpectedly change, and I have to fight off the panic attack while re-organizing my head. To my ADD ex-husband who thrives on change and spontaneity, I was torture. I understand now why he said he had to kill off parts of himself to be with me.

Without even trying you tear me a part.
Dismember me, limb by limb.
Then you stare, confused.
What do you do now?
No idea how to put me back together,
No desire to either.
Because that's to hard.
And you see, I'm not surprising.
Not entertaining.
Now you're bored again.
You want to move on without worrying about the mess.
Because the mess is always my job.
I wish my heart had doors to keep you out.
Strong locks with unbreakable codes.
So strong, I'd never know when you screamed through the peephole.
You remind me of why I stay behind my walls.
Why I made them so thick.
The immobilizing pain of being shredded is too much to keep receiving.
And you do it, because you don't know who you are.
You dig through me to find yourself.
There is no balm for this burn.
You don't look back as you leave me to bleed away.
And you don't even close the door on your way out.....

Tonight I'll write a sad song,
I wish I wasn't always wrong.
I wish it wasn't always my fault.
But the finger that you're pointing,
Has knocked me on my knees.

And all you need to know is I'm so sorry. This isn't like me.
It's maturity that I'm lacking.
But you'll let me go.
And we'll both know, that growing up goes slow.

I wonder what my mom and dad would say,
If I told them that I cry each day?
But it's hard enough to live so far away.
I wish I wasn't always cold.
I wish I wasn't always alone.
When the party is over,
How will I get home?

And all you need to know is I'm so sorry. This isn't like me.
It's maturity that I'm lacking.
But you'll let me go.
And we'll both know, that growing up goes slow.

I guess all the rules were made to bend. And you swore you were my friend....
But now I have to start all over again. Cause no one's going to take your place, And I'm scared I'll never save
All the pieces of a love we made.

And I'm so sorry, it's not like me.
It's maturity that I'm lacking.
But don't, don't let me go!
Just let me know that I can slip and fall And you won't let me go!
Just let me know that growing up goes slow.

I hate you.
Right now, in this moment, I hate you.
I look at the messes you left me with, and I despise you for being weak and a coward.
I despise you for being a liar.
I hate how think you hide it from everyone.
I hate how you blame everyone else.
I hate that you are too much of a bastard to look at yourself closely and admit what you've done.
I hate how you'll be an example our son grows up seeing.
I hate how you can minimize all of your mistakes.
And blow off all of our special moments as being stupid.
I hate that you only bother to see the bad times and none of the good.
I hate that you viewed our marriage as optional and not permanent.
But I hate you for thinking of me as forgettable. As a second place citizen.
It makes you no better than anyone else.

And I hate me the most for thinking you were better.

I've spent quite a bit of time since my last blog post doing a lot of soul searching. I think when you go through traumatic episodes in life, the best way to handle them is to look at how you could have done things differently or how you could have prevented what happened. It's so easy to place the blame on every one else involved. It's mostly second nature to "Pass the buck" onto someone else.
In doing this, I've started finding new thoughts to replace the old. A few weeks ago I was frantic and panicked about trying to get Seth back. I spent a lot of time crying and hurting and making myself feel even worse, but in taking a hard look at my own actions, I had to start taking a look at some of Seth's.
My mother will always be the 2nd person in line to shout to the world that I have made many mistakes. I will always be the first. But Seth, the person who knows me the best, has always been the first person to say that I am always trying to fix them. That I am always trying to fix myself. And that's true. Even in all of this, I still try to find the things that I did, that led up to my divorce. The things I did that pushed Seth to cheat on me. I ask him questions almost every day, and I apologize all of the time. I keep thinking that maybe he will see how sorry I am. Maybe he will see how willing I am to change. Maybe he will see how much I care about him and he will realize I am worth fighting for......
And then I have to realize....

I didn't cheat. I didn't leave. I didn't stop fighting. Not to the extent he has. I will text him jokes, or old memories, and over half the time he won't respond. He doesn't take the time to tell me when he thinks of me, or talk to me when he is sad. He won't hug me or tell me things will be ok when I am crying. When he is here on the weekends he will be cordial. But as soon as he leaves for the week, he is someone who'd rather forget that I existed.

Realizing that is a huge step for me. Realizing that there are bad things in this world that I don't deserve to have happen to me, period, is a lesson I have a hard time applying. But more so when I can see my own faults playing a part.
I don't deserve to be made to feel less important.

I made many mistakes in my marriage, but intentionally making Seth feel as though he means nothing to me isn't one of them. I shouldn't be made to feel like a "Starter Wife". He seems to think that this divorce will reinvent him and give him the chance he needs to become a better person. The sad thing is that he has spent his whole adult life with someone who always encouraged him to be the best person he could be. I deserve to be his wife when he is that person. That's the reward of marriage. You put a lot of time and forgiveness and patience into a person, because you know that they are doing them same thing for you. And the result is enjoying your life with someone who is constantly striving to be better. And that's what I deserve.

I can sense that I am reaching a turning point in this ordeal. I am coming up on the point where I start to move on. Part of me believes that Seth is waiting for me to get to that point, if only to say that I gave up too. And part of me wants to never give up so I can snidely prove him wrong. But where would that leave me? A life full of heartbreak waiting on someone who doesn't love me enough to fight for me.