I deserve that.

I've spent quite a bit of time since my last blog post doing a lot of soul searching. I think when you go through traumatic episodes in life, the best way to handle them is to look at how you could have done things differently or how you could have prevented what happened. It's so easy to place the blame on every one else involved. It's mostly second nature to "Pass the buck" onto someone else.
In doing this, I've started finding new thoughts to replace the old. A few weeks ago I was frantic and panicked about trying to get Seth back. I spent a lot of time crying and hurting and making myself feel even worse, but in taking a hard look at my own actions, I had to start taking a look at some of Seth's.
My mother will always be the 2nd person in line to shout to the world that I have made many mistakes. I will always be the first. But Seth, the person who knows me the best, has always been the first person to say that I am always trying to fix them. That I am always trying to fix myself. And that's true. Even in all of this, I still try to find the things that I did, that led up to my divorce. The things I did that pushed Seth to cheat on me. I ask him questions almost every day, and I apologize all of the time. I keep thinking that maybe he will see how sorry I am. Maybe he will see how willing I am to change. Maybe he will see how much I care about him and he will realize I am worth fighting for......
And then I have to realize....

I didn't cheat. I didn't leave. I didn't stop fighting. Not to the extent he has. I will text him jokes, or old memories, and over half the time he won't respond. He doesn't take the time to tell me when he thinks of me, or talk to me when he is sad. He won't hug me or tell me things will be ok when I am crying. When he is here on the weekends he will be cordial. But as soon as he leaves for the week, he is someone who'd rather forget that I existed.

And I don't deserve that.

Realizing that is a huge step for me. Realizing that there are bad things in this world that I don't deserve to have happen to me, period, is a lesson I have a hard time applying. But more so when I can see my own faults playing a part.
I don't deserve to be made to feel less important.

I made many mistakes in my marriage, but intentionally making Seth feel as though he means nothing to me isn't one of them. I shouldn't be made to feel like a "Starter Wife". He seems to think that this divorce will reinvent him and give him the chance he needs to become a better person. The sad thing is that he has spent his whole adult life with someone who always encouraged him to be the best person he could be. I deserve to be his wife when he is that person. That's the reward of marriage. You put a lot of time and forgiveness and patience into a person, because you know that they are doing them same thing for you. And the result is enjoying your life with someone who is constantly striving to be better. And that's what I deserve.

I can sense that I am reaching a turning point in this ordeal. I am coming up on the point where I start to move on. Part of me believes that Seth is waiting for me to get to that point, if only to say that I gave up too. And part of me wants to never give up so I can snidely prove him wrong. But where would that leave me? A life full of heartbreak waiting on someone who doesn't love me enough to fight for me.

And I don't deserve that.

I will always love Seth. And I will always regret my marriage falling apart. I will always feel as though I let God and my son down. I will always feel that I should have done better. 
But I suppose that this is one of those life lessons, a reminder that no matter how hard we try, all we can do is change ourselves. Change how we react. Change how we feel. Change how we view others. Change who we choose to share our lives with.

I want to enjoy the rest of my life surrounded by the ones who see the real me, but love me anyways. Because I do deserve that.


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