My Time to Get Mad.

That's it!! I have gone from devastated and suicidal to pissed off angry and I am done!!
I've called myself out on what I've done in my marriage, I've been brutally honest with my readers, my friends and even myself on what I should have done better.
But now it's Seths turn. I am so sick and tired of dealing with your shit Seth. I am sick of the lies, and the deceiving, and the lying by omission. So here it is, I'm calling out all of your crap!
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Seth you've been a liar from the moment we got married. I remember going to help my mom out one day, doing some yard work for her, but you were too sick to go. However I come home and find that you spent the whole afternoon watching porn. Did you tell me? NOPE! You just tried to hide it. 4 months married and that was the first time I left you. I have walked in on you jacking off with porn. NOT A GOOD MEMORY!!
Did you bother to tell me this had been your habit since you were 12?? NOPE! Because you love the secrets and the lies. You enjoy having your own private life. You once went a whole year telling me that you only looked at porn maybe once a month, then you hit me with the ton of bricks that it had been more like every day for that whole year. You continued to do it and lie to me about it over and over and over. Even though you saw me cry, and heard me tell you that I felt like you were cheating on me. You heard me say over and over that if you kept it up you would just end up cheating on me.
You love flirting with everyone. You have ALWAYS been private about your phone, your email, your Facebook, and your MySpace. You don't care how much it hurts someone else. 110% of the time you are so dam arrogant you actually believe no one else will figure it out. You think you are so good at keeping your lies and your secrets that no one else could ever guess, especially not the person who has lived with you for 8 years.
And every time I come to you nicely and ask you to tell me what's going on, and beg you to just tell me the truth, you lie and lie and lie... And when I confront you with my evidence you say "Oh sorry, I didn't think you knew about that." Who cares if I did or didn't??? If you can't be enough of a man to NOT do it in the first place, at least have the balls to admit it to me when I ask you.
The 2nd time I left you, I worked really hard to get you back. I even gave up my family and living next to my best friend to come back to shit-hole Sacramento, and live with you in a 1 bedroom-roach infested- apt in the ghetto. And what did you do??? Spent 6 months flirting on line with other woman, trying to have 1 night stands, and then you tell me that while we were apart you and someone I thought was my Best Friend had been having phone sex. AMAZING. But I forgave you. And eventually I had mostly moved on.
But did that stop you??? NOPE!
You continued.  You kept at it. You looked up porn and had dating profiles on your cell phone. You kept your cell phone locked whenever you could. You flirted with the young girls at work, and texted them at night (Including one who was a stripper) and the single moms from our sons class.
When you lost your job in 2008 you started blowing our money by going to bars and dancing with strange girls. You didn't care that we had a child at home. You were having fun, blowing off steam. And you didn't give a dam about anyone else.
And talking about blowing off steam... How much money and time have you spent on video games? We always had the newest and nicest system, in fact there isn't a system out that you haven't owned. But of course my car hasn't ran in 2 years, we've had more than 1 eviction notice, the electricity has been shut off, and my wedding ring only cost you $150.00 But you had something to make you happy right? You could blow off steam!
I did exactly what you asked me too. I raised Caden and didn't work full time until he started school. And then I said I wanted to go back to college, you supported me. Said we could rough the 2 years I was in school. And then, barely a year later, you throw it in my face that the house wasn't always clean, dinner wasn't always ready, I didn't always have time for you. And then you cheat on me with another woman who I considered to be a good friend, 2 days before my birthday. Did you tell me? Nope! In fact you came home and had Birthday sex with me. And let's not forget how I had asked you NOT to be alone with her, to call or text me if you were going to even see her. Did you? As a matter of fact you didn't even talk to me for the whole week. Then a week later, not even a month after I've had emergency surgery and my grandpa died, when I have spent all week doing finals and I am preparing for my last and hardest one, you fly off the handle on me. Lose your shit completely, telling me I better not fail, and that we are DONE! (In a text message) And why was it you did that??? Well as you told me, a month later, when I FINALLY convinced you to tell me what happened right before my birthday, you said you did it because then you wouldn't have to tell me about the cheating. Yes, you certainly are a chicken shit. You even had the balls to tell me that part of the reason why you cheated is because you were mad at me for saying I didn't want to spend a ton of money on a brand new car at the point in our life. REALLY?!?! How big of a baby are you Seth??
And now.... Now you just lie to me about EVERYTHING. I can't trust a dam word that comes out of your mouth. I told you the last few weeks had been different, asked you if you'd met someone, you kept telling me No. That I was being crazy. AGAIN! (I am so dam sick of you making me doubt myself all of the time!!) And you are. You friended some chick who is mutual friends with another one of our friends. And you talk to her all the time. And have been for a few weeks now. Not to mention the host of other girls you have been friending on FB. Do you honestly think no one sees how desperate you are? You claim you are just making friends with "Other single parents". (Please, you barely see Caden on the weekend.) You are 27, and this new chick isn't even old enough to drink. Grow up Seth.
And let's not forget your DUI. That's right folks. Seth here thought it was a GREAT idea to go out drinking and then drive afterward, last month. And I get a call from the jail at 7 am to come and get you. That was truly a highlight in my life. But what topped it off was you THEN telling me that we were going to fix our marriage and make things work. Pretty sure that's like telling a girl you love her right after sex.... BAAAAAAAAAAAAD TIMING. And you're mad at me for telling you no then?
You are so ready to be in a new relationship, and to go and screw around with whomever you want. You are desperate and it's really pathetic.
I called you last night, trying to give you another opportunity to tell me the truth. To tell me what is REALLY going on in your life now, and to tell you how miserable I am and how I didn't even know if I wanted this divorce. You told me we'd talk about it later because you had to get up early and needed to sleep. But I can see from the minute usage on the phone bill that you were on the phone with her when I called you, and spent another few hours on the phone with her when you hung up with me. And then you tried to change how I receive the phone bill so that I couldn't see it anymore. Because  you "Hate me checking up on you." Newsflash dumbass.... If you would just tell me the truth in the first place we could have avoided all of this.

So there you are Seth. A very brief run down of our history together. I know I forgot a lot. But I think I have the bases covered. And how have I been the last few months since all of this has been going down??
Supportive. Calm. Kind. Helpful. I have cooked you dinner, and done your laundry, and taken care of your car, and loaned you money, and cleaned up after you, picked you up from jail, driven you to your errands, never said anything mean about you in front of Caden, and always told you that I wanted to help you. And have even talked to you about not going through with this divorce. I have told you all of this time (Even when I thought the divorce was the only way to go) that I wish you would have still fought for me. Make me feel that the last 8 years were not in vain. That I meant more to you then just a second mom who picks up after you and takes care of you when you're sick. I don't even think you're a bad person. You're weak. But you have a good heart.
You're right. I was miserable a lot of our marriage. Some of those things I have grown out of, and some are fresher wounds. I see now that the times in our marriage that I was happiest was when I wasn't thinking about myself. It was when I was living every day trying to make you happy, and see all of the good in you. Not focusing on all of the things that were going wrong, but focusing on how lucky I was to have you and Caden and that we were together. That was how I made it through this last year. With school, and my health, and losing my Grandpa, and you losing your job, and everything else that happened, I kept telling myself that you and I were together and all we had to do was make it through the 2 years I would be in school and then we could make everything right and easier for ourselves together.
I am still waiting here for you. Wishing you would come to your senses at some point and try to make our marriage work at least for your sons sake. I have admitted that I can be emotionally distant, and cold, and hard to handle, and I don't trust. But I have to fix all of those things about myself before I can move on with someone else already. So I'd rather it was with you, someone I know. I wish you would trust me enough to let me help you, and then we could move on from this. Look at it as this huge thing we accomplished and that made us stronger.
When the time comes, and it will, that we have to face Caden about this.... I am going to make sure my conscience is clean. I want to look him in the eye and tell him that I tried my damndest to make it work. That I fought for him, and what he needed, and what I needed, and what was right.

And I know... once you read this you will really lose your shit, and not care anymore. But you don't even care now, so why do I? If you've really moved on then I hope this is the first step in helping me do the same.
Because I am not ready for this divorce. And I don't want this divorce. But if you're going to hurt me more by forcing me to go through with it, then I hope I can start healing now.

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