One day, some day, I will be thankful for the friends who tell me I'm worth more.
I hate you.
Right now, in this moment, I hate you.
I look at the messes you left me with, and I despise you for being weak and a coward.
I despise you for being a liar.
I hate how think you hide it from everyone.
I hate how you blame everyone else.
I hate that you are too much of a bastard to look at yourself closely and admit what you've done.
I hate how you'll be an example our son grows up seeing.
I hate how you can minimize all of your mistakes.
And blow off all of our special moments as being stupid.
I hate that you only bother to see the bad times and none of the good.
I hate that you viewed our marriage as optional and not permanent.
But I hate you for thinking of me as forgettable. As a second place citizen.
It makes you no better than anyone else.
And I hate me the most for thinking you were better.
I am sure most of you have heard of, or seen the newly publicized documentary about A.D.D. Called
Wow what a crazy week this has been!!!
Sunday we found out that Seth no longer had a job.
He has been in the Fire Supression industry for 8 years this month. The last 2 and a half years he has been helping to hold together/ build a company for a man who is in Prison. This man's parents have been handling things for him while he is paying his debt to society. The first two months he worked for them they didn't pay him a dime. Then they paid him 200 bucks a week for over 6 months. The first year he was the only employee. When they did start hiring employees to help him with the workload, they had no experience, were illegal aliens, drug users, and didn't speak the language. Since this summer their other son, who is 2 years younger than Seth, has been working with him as his boss, and learning the business. Seth didn't work 8-5. He would work from 7 to 9 or 10. If he wasn't out at work then he was home on the phone with work. And he would have to be gone for days to weeks at a time for work. No over time. He worked what he was told to and he would get a check every 2 weeks for just over 500 bucks.
Last week, after being gone an entire week for work, She informed Seth that she was cutting him down from salary, and working every day to Hourly, minimum wage and On Call. Then she only called him one day for a few hours. So his check this week was pretty much nothing.
1 am Saturday morning he got a text telling him to be ready to leave for a week on Sunday. So Sunday morning he called to talk to her and let her know this was no longer working.
She said he could take hourly on call or nothing. He chose nothing.
That sounds bad....But she has done that to other employees and she won't call them for work. But technically she didn't fire him...So she can deny unemployment.
Yup... Apparently this whole time Seth has been training his replacement. He is pretty devastated. As I am sure you can imagine.
So yesterday and today I was at the county offices, the state offers help paying for child care if you are a student. So we enjoyed sitting around for hours with some of the scum of Sacramento. Not to mention I had to get up at 5:30 am both days to get their on time....So I was not very cheery to start with.
But dealing with people who make their living, living off the state makes me insane.
I heard all kinds of shocking things!!
"Give me my food stamps already! I need to get some weed."
Ya... I am not kidding.
This woman was giving me tips on how to get more money from the state. She looked like a fat prostitute with her boobs hiked up to her chin. Just had her hair done, nails done and had on new Candies boots. And a gold ring the size of my thumb on 7 fingers. Ya.
According to her if you have a kid ten months after you get cash aid they have to pay you more. Sounds like a great reason to reproduce!! NOT.
Once done there I left Seth and Caden and took a bus to school for orientation. I didn't get my books today, which super bummed me out cause I wanted to study over the weekend. (Nerd me? No!!)
But I did have an AWESOME experience instead!!!
Instructor was answering questions and finally she says "Come on!!! Ask me something even if you think it's weird!"
So I figured why not...We all want to know right?
"Ma'am...You'll teach me how to properly care for Alligators right?" (Oh and I asked in my giggly smart ass voice too.)
I got a weird stare from her....But then the School Registrar chimed in
"OH!!! I KNOW YOU!!"
Me: Oh crap.
"I read your blog!"
Me: WTF?!? Excuse you???
"I love your royal vet posts! I don't blog but I read CB and found you through her! You are so funny"
Me: You read CB? Woman I am totally viewing you in a whole new light.
The rest of the class, who are all 18-22 year old wannabe models, and had been looking at me the whole time like the crazy old freak of the class were now really staring at me! I didn't care anymore...I felt like a dam rock star!
I remember this day so well. 5 years ago I was in the Hospital, with Seth, my Mom, my oldest brother Kyle, Seth's Parents and sister and dozens of friends. I had gone in the day before to be induced.
I was not ready to be a mom when I found out I was pregnant. I was 19, and Seth and I had been married around a year and a half. I was also on the pill. I just felt like I had the flu for weeks. Finally Seth, jokingly, said I should take a pregnancy test. I did but we couldn't read it well. It didn't say no. But it didn't say yes either. So I waited a week and took another. And I didn't believe it. I figured I had cancer. For nine months, through ultrasounds and heart beat moments and feet kicks and a baby shower I kept telling myself everyone was wrong. I had cancer.
I went into the Hospital on the 16th of October at noon. It was a Sunday. We got all checked in and they gave me everything to induce. Monday the 17th at noon they finally broke my water. I hadn't eaten the whole time I was in the Hospital and I was so hungry, so my little brother kept sneaking me M&M's. Which I of course would throw up. The nurse would come in and scold us. And we'd do it again.
Finally around 3 I was having constant contractions, and unbearable back labor so I asked for an epidural. Which was wonderful for an hour. Then the pain was horrible, but I wasn't dilated enough to push. So they gave me fentanol. Peace. For a half hour. So they gave me more. That didn't even take effect. Finally at 6 pm they kicked everyone out and I started to push. Seth held one hand, with his mom next to him, my Mom and Seth's sister were on the other side. I was pushing for what felt like an eternity. At one point the nurses put their firsts into my stomach and started trying to help push him out. I remember this one nurse yelling at me to push and I screamed at her I AM PUSHING!!! (The first time I was unpleasant during the entire ordeal and everyone in the room stopped and laughed at me!) The next thing I knew my doctor grabbed a pair of scissors and I screamed at her DONT YOU DARE CUT ME!! But the nurses held me down and she did it anyways. at 6:57 pm Caden was born. They placed him on my chest and he just stared at me. My little cancer had the biggest eyes. I remember thinking later that I never counted his fingers and toes because I kept looking at his eyes.
When they took him away from me he started to cry. And I told Seth to go be with him.
All of a sudden the contractions started again and I thought "OH Shit! TWINS!" Thankfully it was just the placenta. The doctor sowed me up and everyone left the room following the baby out.. I was in their by myself for an hour when a maintenance man came in to clean the floor. He was quite surprised to see a woman with her feet in the stirrups! He yelled for a nurse who went to yell at my family for leaving me alone instead of helping me to clean up. I was just panicking that something was wrong with Caden.
He was born with a wet umbilical cord. Unbeknown-st to us he was 2 weeks late! And the cord had started to dissolve while he was in me, not giving him the food and nutrients he needed. So they were being extra careful with him.
He was finally brought to me and I started dealing with the idea that I was a mom.
5 years later and I am still adjusting!
My favorite pictures over the last 5 years.