Showing posts with label seth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label seth. Show all posts

Thursday, June 19, 2014

One day, Some day.


Saturday would have been my 11 year wedding anniversary.
 June 21st, 2003 4:10am
Tonight is the 11 year anniversary of my husband asking me to marry him.
It's a silly story, that I love.
Because I loved my husband, and our life together.
But instead of reliving those happy moments and planning gifts for my boys, I'm staring at divorce papers.
I'm struggling to grasp the enormity of the life we made coming to an end.
On my anniversary, instead of remembering our first night together, I am trying to erase the mental image of my husband with other women.
Instead of reveling in the warmth of my husband's unending love for me, I am trying to understand how it vanished without a trace.

I am trying to comprehend the unthinkable.

One day, some day, this won't be so traumatic.
One day, some day, this pain will fade.
But right now it's a knife wound in my soul, sawing away at all of the pretty pictures in my heart.
One day, some day, I'll be excited for a fresh chance at life. A fresh chance to love someone who won't lie to me.
One day, some day, I will love being on my own, and being able to be slightly selfish.
But right now I am terrified of being hurt again. I am terrified of the monsters under the bed.
One day, some day, I will be so proud of the strength I found in myself. To pick up the pieces of my life, and carry on.
One day, some day, I will look back at this as a bump in the road.
But right now I feel weak. I can't stop crying. And this feels like a mountain I'll never get over.

One day, some day, I will be thankful for the friends who tell me I'm worth more.
One day, some day, I'll appreciate all they did to help me emerge from my pity parties.
Bur right now, I am angry they don't have the perfect words to give me back the man I thought I knew.
One day, some day, I will feel like myself again. 
One day, some day, I won't be a trauma victim.
But right now, is not that day.
How do we move on?

"One foot after the other.
One small step after another."


Saturday, May 17, 2014

I shouldn't hate you, but I kinda do.

I hate you.
Right now, in this moment, I hate you.
I look at the messes you left me with, and I despise you for being weak and a coward.
I despise you for being a liar.
I hate how think you hide it from everyone.
I hate how you blame everyone else.
I hate that you are too much of a bastard to look at yourself closely and admit what you've done.
I hate how you'll be an example our son grows up seeing.
I hate how you can minimize all of your mistakes.
And blow off all of our special moments as being stupid.
I hate that you only bother to see the bad times and none of the good.
I hate that you viewed our marriage as optional and not permanent.
But I hate you for thinking of me as forgettable. As a second place citizen.
It makes you no better than anyone else.

And I hate me the most for thinking you were better.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Erasable Miss





Look at me when you tell the world I’m not real.
Stare me in the eyes when you insist I no longer exist.
Erase me from your future, but you can’t remove me from the past.
One day memories of me will haunt you.
Follow you around and whisper in your ear:
“Stupid boy. What have you done?”
You’ll hate yourself, when you look for the photos and they are gone.
Nothing left to fill your empty cup.
You screamed that I had no idea who I was.
Over and Over until your forced yourself to believe it.
To ease your guilt at making me an erasable  entity.
But it’s you who doesn’t know.
You who emulate those of us who shine too brightly.
Until you sicken yourself with your own inadequacy.
The moment when who you really are starts to stare back at you in the mirror, you find a way to pass the blame.
But erasing me won’t make you the person you want to be.
Learning that lesson might destroy you.
But what can I do to help?
Since I don’t exist to you….




Thursday, January 12, 2012

Crash


You crash upon me like a wave.
And I, a lonely island of rock, stand and take the beating.
Your watery fingers bleed me dry of tears,
tearing me a part into tiny grains of sand.
Your mirthless wind howls insults at me,
crushing my need to breathe.
But still I stand, resolute to the end.
You purge your anger with each rush,
hell bent on sending me down to where
you never have to hear my sobs.
But like a miracle, I find the strength to stand.
Pieces of me are carted away with you,
stinging me with painful memories, that you crush with glee.
I bend and you hollow me out.
But I've not yet fallen.
I wait, knowing a day of peace must come,
this cannot be all that I am good for. 
I am meant to be held and cared for as a whole.
With all my sandy bits tucked in safe.
But still you crash.
Sending my heart into a forlorn state of weary.
How long can you roar and tear at me?
For as long as there are pieces of me left for you to crash into.




Saturday, December 17, 2011

Take a bite.



Take a bite out of my heart,
you dirty little beast you.
Why  not?
I can always be spread thinner.
I'm already in pieces as it is.
Time to put me back together now,
but you don't know how.
I'm just your favorite toy for a moment.
You always walk away.
I'm looking for a fight, 
and you don't care.
I'm left to sit alone,
staring into the mirror and wondering what
everyone else sees.
Take another bite of my heart love,
let the sensations fill you up.
I'm so relieved someone can enjoy themselves.
I told myself, and everyone else, 
that you were the only exception.
You always loved to prove me wrong.
Too worn out to put my high heels back on,
and not restless enough to want to leave my bed.
Hiding beneath my blankets and sheets,
I thought I was free.
Silly me.
Take another bite, get drunk on my emotions,
just until you feel that you've done your duty
and have been given all you can get from me at this time.
It's not being used that makes my heart break,
it's being used to it.



Thursday, October 13, 2011

Burning


I can't seem to look away.
Watching our life go down in flames.
Staring in disbelief that this is happening to me.
You spend all of your time waiting for a second chance.
You put us on hold to find what you really wanted.
Always reaching out for the next shiny toy, that you got caught up in the moment.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches, but no one can leave unscathed right?
No one, except you.
You and your secrets and your private life away.
You always think it will be better with some one else, that you can be free to do what you want and be who you really are.
But the truth is that it's only better with someone who sees the You you're always trying to hide, but loves you anyways. The person who chooses to look you in the eye every day, even though they know you are not being honest with them. The person who chose to build their life around you. 
You can't ever recapture this.
Until you realize that, you will try over and over and fail and fail.
And while you're out, trying to find yourself, and have your fun, I am watching us burn.
You've left me all alone and I am stuck here, watching us burn.
And while the fire is beautiful, it hurts.
It burns and shreds me in a glorious pain and makes me feel so hollow that I want to wrap myself around the fire and let it fill me up.
I can't save us, but I'm going down with it.


Monday, April 4, 2011

Married to A.D.D. and Not loving it.

I am sure most of you have heard of, or seen the newly publicized documentary about A.D.D. Called

ADD & Loving it?! 

If not.. Here is a brief trailer to fill you in:

Seth saw this documentary advertised the other day and set the DVR to record it. It's been a long time joke about him having A.D.D. but that's all it ever was. A joke. We have talked about medication but Seth never felt it was really needed, and he didn't want to deal with the side effects. 
After watching the documentary there has been a noted change in Seth. I should mention that he also went on to their website. www.totallyADD.com and took their assessment test. Out of a possible 27 points he scored 26. He decided his next best step was to check out the book: "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder"



And he's been reading it daily.
It's been interesting to learn just how much ADD effects him. I always knew it's why he is so impulsive. But Road rage!?! That was a new one to me. Some of his behaviors that always irritated me are also signs of ADD. Which means I also have to change my way of thinking. Some things, like his inability to pay attention, remember details, or completing tasks, I thought he would just grow out of. It's hard to accept that these will be things that are always with us.
While Seth found the documentary fascinating I was actually really saddened by it. Listening to the woman who were married to men with ADD made me so upset. They were so calm! One wife kept talking about How you just have to be patient and be steady for them at all times. And all I could think about was screaming at her.
Seth, for his part, has been going back and forth on how he feels about finally realizing he has REAL ADD and that it's not just a joke. He is scared to go through the hassle of finding a doctor that believes in ADD and not someone who will just want to shove pills on him. I think he is struggling too, with the fact that he wasn't diagnosed as a child. I think he wonders how much different he'd be now if he'd been given the tools to help him then.
It's also odd for us to have another medical issue in the house. With my PCOS I am constantly trying to keep my mind and body in balance. He's always been the strong one for me in dealing with my disease and the impending problems arising with it. Now we both have something to deal with on a daily basis.
To help him deal with all of this, he has decided to start writing a blog on being an adult with ADD.
It's call A.D.D. You Suck!
Please go and check it out. I know he'd love the help and support.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Masquerade


If I lost myself, would you go and find me?
You make me feel so stupid.
Laughing behind my back all day.
I've been a lot of lonely places,
but now I found myself on the outside of us, looking in.
I can't find the door.
And you don't seem to care.
I don't want to go back to those days.
If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me?
Give me a reason to not break down.
I reach for you,
and find your back to me.
Pretending to be asleep so we don't need to talk.
So you don't have to listen to me stutter over trying to find the words.
Needle and Thread.
Oh where is my needle and thread?
So that I can sew us back together again. 
I dig and try to find those parts of me you once liked.
I know they are here somewhere,
though neither one of us recognize them now.
Maybe if I can become what you want,
you can do the same for me.
Just maybe I could make you happy.
If I go and hurt myself would you know how to fix me?
I was so unique.
Now I feel skindeep.
I thought I could be stronger, longer.
But it's killing me.
And none of this makeup is hiding my face.
I want to be beautiful like I once was.
I want to hear you say it more than once.
Make you stand in awe.
I want to be worthy of your love.
But gravity shackles me in ways I can't explain.
I run in the same circles, hit the same wall, and fall in the same place.
I've tried to make you see,
that you're everything I need here on the ground.
But we keep this love superficial outside.
So many things I'd say if I was able.
But I just think it all instead.
I hate to break it to you babe,
But I'm drowning.
If I hold myself back, would you push me forward?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

My craptastic week and apparently I'm a rock star!

Wow what a crazy week this has been!!!
Sunday we found out that Seth no longer had a job.
He has been in the Fire Supression industry for 8 years this month. The last 2 and a half years he has been helping to hold together/ build a company for a man who is in Prison. This man's parents have been handling things for him while he is paying his debt to society. The first two months he worked for them they didn't pay him a dime. Then they paid him 200 bucks a week for over 6 months. The first year he was the only employee. When they did start hiring employees to help him with the workload, they had no experience, were illegal aliens, drug users, and didn't speak the language. Since this summer their other son, who is 2 years younger than Seth, has been working with him as his boss, and learning the business. Seth didn't work 8-5. He would work from 7 to 9 or 10. If he wasn't out at work then he was home on the phone with work. And he would have to be gone for days to weeks at a time for work. No over time. He worked what he was told to and he would get a check every 2 weeks for just over 500 bucks.
Last week, after being gone an entire week for work, She informed Seth that she was cutting him down from salary, and working every day to Hourly, minimum wage and On Call.  Then she only called him one day for a few hours. So his check this week was pretty much nothing.
1 am Saturday morning he got a text telling him to be ready to leave for a week on Sunday. So Sunday morning he called to talk to her and let her know this was no longer working.
She said he could take hourly on call or nothing. He chose nothing.
That sounds bad....But she has done that to other employees and she won't call them for work. But technically she didn't fire him...So she can deny unemployment.
Yup... Apparently this whole time Seth has been training his replacement. He is pretty devastated. As I am sure you can imagine.
So yesterday and today I was at the county offices, the state offers help paying for child care if you are a student. So we enjoyed sitting around for hours with some of the scum of Sacramento. Not to mention I had to get up at 5:30 am both days to get their on time....So I was not very cheery to start with.
But dealing with people who make their living, living off the state makes me insane.
I heard all kinds of shocking things!!
"Give me my food stamps already! I need to get some weed."
Ya... I am not kidding.
This woman was giving me tips on how to get more money from the state. She looked like a fat prostitute with her boobs hiked up to her chin. Just had her hair done, nails done and had on new Candies boots. And a gold ring the size of my thumb on 7 fingers. Ya.
According to her if you have a kid ten months after you get cash aid they have to pay you more. Sounds like a great reason to reproduce!! NOT.
Once done there I left Seth and Caden and took a bus to school for orientation. I didn't get my books today, which super bummed me out cause I wanted to study over the weekend. (Nerd me? No!!)
But I did have an AWESOME experience instead!!!

Instructor was answering questions and finally she says "Come on!!! Ask me something even if you think it's weird!"
So I figured why not...We all want to know right?
"Ma'am...You'll teach me how to properly care for Alligators right?" (Oh and I asked in my giggly smart ass voice too.)
I got a weird stare from her....But then the School Registrar chimed in
"OH!!! I KNOW YOU!!"
Me: Oh crap.
"I read your blog!"
Me: WTF?!? Excuse you???
"I love your royal vet posts! I don't blog but I read CB and found you through her! You are so funny"
Me: You read CB? Woman I am totally viewing you in a whole new light. 


The rest of the class, who are all 18-22 year old wannabe models, and had been looking at me the whole time like the crazy old freak of the class were now really staring at me! I didn't care anymore...I felt like a dam rock star!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Lunacy Within Me.


Divine secrets revealing
a tempest inside my heart,
slowly compelling lunacy within me.
It's all wrong. It's all wrong.
Oh it's so right.
Every little look gets my little smile.
My heart races and leaps.
It wants to win this race.
I stand before you, with my layers making me hot.
You whisper a single word
and I'm naked and shivering before you.
I don't understand how it's possible.
Just one look and my secrets are laid bare.
No matter how I try to cover my skin
you see my skin naked and glistening.
I don't know this feeling.
And I am so scared.
Do you hear these words?
Can you feel my wounds deep within?
I'm bleeding out before you.
I know one day you'll go away
And I'll have to carry my love on my way.
Because I'm falling in love with your ways.
You're living in a different world than me.
And we are dancing around that truth so carefully.
In my hands lay the cold memories.
I hear you whisper my name.
Ghostly longing.
But there is nothing but silence now.
Is this our farewell?
These are the darkest clouds to have surrounding me.
I'm alone in this cage, and there are no flowers to cling to.
You know everyone with a smiling face holds a dark secret within.
And there is nothing to make you stay,
since you sold your heart away.
I've told the tale so many times,
of the love not meant to be.
About a blonde flame,
a hurricane.
Seeking the harbor of your safe arms.
To love me, not what you need me to be.
But purely for who I am.
A songstress luring you into passionate depths.
The girl with the golden eyes melting the ice in her heart.
The dreamer trapt in her longings.
The tree outside your window, strong and rooted, with beautiful leaves watching over you.
I could go on forever in this world.
You tried not leaving me alone,
but there is no other way for us.
Enchanted I will have to stay
Till you have your reason to breathe me into life.


Sunday, October 17, 2010

The one day a year where I act like a sappy mom!

I remember this day so well. 5 years ago I was in the Hospital, with Seth, my Mom, my oldest brother Kyle, Seth's Parents and sister and dozens of friends. I had gone in the day before to be induced.
I was not ready to be a mom when I found out I was pregnant. I was 19, and Seth and I had been married around a year and a half. I was also on the pill. I just felt like I had the flu for weeks. Finally Seth, jokingly, said I should take a pregnancy test. I did but we couldn't read it well. It didn't say no. But it didn't say yes either. So I waited a week and took another. And I didn't believe it. I figured I had cancer. For nine months, through ultrasounds and heart beat moments and feet kicks and a baby shower I kept telling myself everyone was wrong. I had cancer.
I went into the Hospital on the 16th of October at noon. It was a Sunday. We got all checked in and they gave me everything to induce. Monday the 17th at noon they finally broke my water. I hadn't eaten the whole time I was in the Hospital and I was so hungry, so my little brother kept sneaking me M&M's. Which I of course would throw up. The nurse would come in and scold us. And we'd do it again.
Finally around 3 I was having constant contractions, and unbearable back labor so I asked for an epidural. Which was wonderful for an hour. Then the pain was horrible, but I wasn't dilated enough to push. So they gave me fentanol. Peace. For a half hour. So they gave me more. That didn't even take effect. Finally at 6 pm they kicked everyone out and I started to push. Seth held one hand, with his mom next to him, my Mom and Seth's sister were on the other side. I was pushing for what felt like an eternity. At one point the nurses put their firsts into my stomach and started trying to help push him out. I remember this one nurse yelling at me to push and I screamed at her I AM PUSHING!!! (The first time I was unpleasant during the entire ordeal and everyone in the room stopped and laughed at me!) The next thing I knew my doctor grabbed a pair of scissors and I screamed at her DONT YOU DARE CUT ME!! But the nurses held me down and she did it anyways. at 6:57 pm Caden was born. They placed him on my chest and he just stared at me. My little cancer had the biggest eyes. I remember thinking later that I never counted his fingers and toes because I kept looking at his eyes.
When they took him away from me he started to cry. And I told Seth to go be with him.
All of a sudden the contractions started again and I thought "OH Shit! TWINS!" Thankfully it was just the placenta. The doctor sowed me up and everyone left the room following the baby out.. I was in their by myself for an hour when a maintenance man came in to clean the floor. He was quite surprised to see a woman with her feet in the stirrups! He yelled for a nurse who went to yell at my family for leaving me alone instead of helping me to clean up. I was just panicking that something was wrong with Caden.
He was born with a wet umbilical cord. Unbeknown-st to us he was 2 weeks late! And the cord had started to dissolve while he was in me, not giving him the food and nutrients he needed. So they were being extra careful with him.
He was finally brought to me and I started dealing with the idea that I was a mom.
5 years later and I am still adjusting!
My favorite pictures over the last 5 years.