Dear Future Husband

Maybe I know you already, maybe I don't. Maybe you don't exist. This post isn't to tell you who you should be, this is to explain who I am.

The one thing I am so sick of hearing is "How could he leave someone like you?" Because, honestly, I know why. I don't tell you, because you'll assume I am just being self deprecating, when I'm actually being honest. You look at me and you see wide green/gold eyes and great boobs and you'll fall in love with what you see.

Then you'll talk to my friends who will tell you that I love taking care of people. That I cook and clean and have manners. That I am fairly smart, and sometimes funny. That my son is handsome and intelligent and very silly and kind.
On paper, I look like a catch. So how could my ex leave someone like me?

I won't sugar coat it. I put my husband through hell. He had to pay for the sins of a lot of bad people who had been in my life. (No, this doesn't mean I deserved to be cheated on and lied to. But this isn't that post. This also isn't me taking the blame for his actions.)
My husband's main complaint about me, the one that he had for years, the one that pushed him over the edge, and the one that no one else could see but him: I didn't share myself. 
Don't get me wrong, I talk all the time. I write non stop. But you ask me what I'm thinking or feeling, or you want me to explain what my poetry means... I can't. All of a sudden the words dry up and I start to panic. My breathing changes and my heart races and I feel nausea. It's a problem. It's not ok. But that's my normal. Occasionally, if I am so worn out, and so broken down emotionally, the words will pulse forth in a torrent, and you'll find yourself drowning in a verbal vomit. But that's not healthy either.
You think that doesn't sound bad? I have more....

I wield sarcasm like a sword fencing master too. Nothing pushes someone away faster than a few quick witted jabs.

You mean the proper response to "Babe, what are you thinking about?" isn't "Your mom." ?
How about the follow up response: "Nothing."
That one word single-handedly destroyed my ex-husband. He knew I was lying every time I said it. It didn't matter that I wasn't lying on purpose. All he ever heard was "You're not good enough to hear my thoughts." I wasn't ever brave enough to tell him that what I was thinking was "You don't want to hear my thoughts. They aren't good enough for you."
There were a small handful of times I did tell him what I was thinking.... Sometimes I had a flash back of a bad memory, or I was lost in wishing I could change the past...... But all he could say was "Why would you think that?" "That's awful!" And he was right. 

I am a scheduler, a planner and an organizer. I need my life to be routine. I need to feel the control of my day planned out. Variations come in, only after I can really think about it. This is great in a lot of ways... Until my plans unexpectedly change, and I have to fight off the panic attack while re-organizing my head. To my ADD ex-husband who thrives on change and spontaneity, I was torture. I understand now why he said he had to kill off parts of himself to be with me.

I can't give complements. Well I can. I just don't think I do it well, and so I don't say anything. AWFUL FOR A MARRIAGE. My way of telling my husband I loved him/thought he was handsome/smart/helpful.... A picture of him on Instagram, or a tag in my Facebook post. Which for him, was the equivalent of me stabbing his eye with a pencil. When I did try to tell him face to face, he told me I was retarded. He was right. I was awkward at it, and so he felt it was forced and not true. It hurt more than it helped.

So here we go, a bunch of things, future husband, you'll have to contend with. Yes I am working on these things, and even my ex-husband has been surprised a few times with my changes thus far. But this will mostly be who I am for the rest of my life. There is a lot of darkness and fear and distrust in me that accompanies all of the good you'll hear about. And it won't always balance out. Maybe you think you can wait it out, give me something to believe in and it'll be different for us.... My ex-husband tried for almost 12 years, granted he had a few self-imposed setbacks. But you can't say he didn't put in the time. 
But you also can't say I didn't warn you.

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