Flailing

I am trying - 

Some days flailing not to fall.

I miss you in those moments.

It's those moments that creep up on me,

smother me,

mess up my steps,

and leave me stuttering.

Peeling the mask from my perfectly painted lids.

My poker face slips, and the world sees the chink in my armor.

You were always the key.

When my heart is overwhelmed and my mind turns to the peace you'll bring me-

 all I have is your absence to once again reconcile myself to.

I thought you were my courage. 

I thought you were the wall against my back, holding me up when my legs were weak.

I close my eyes and lean back,

and fall.

I never fell in love with you.

I chose it every day.

Now I fall into heartache. 

Unwillingly.

It's a disease that clings to me and weighs me down.

It covers all I do.

My achievements can't be seen through it.

They may as well not happen.

Some days I am extinguished with the weight of living.

As if I exhausted my fire by the way I loved you.

I used your heartbeat to cure my nightmares.

The silence is now more deafening than the screams of my demons.