Thursday, June 19, 2014

One day, Some day.


Saturday would have been my 11 year wedding anniversary.
 June 21st, 2003 4:10am
Tonight is the 11 year anniversary of my husband asking me to marry him.
It's a silly story, that I love.
Because I loved my husband, and our life together.
But instead of reliving those happy moments and planning gifts for my boys, I'm staring at divorce papers.
I'm struggling to grasp the enormity of the life we made coming to an end.
On my anniversary, instead of remembering our first night together, I am trying to erase the mental image of my husband with other women.
Instead of reveling in the warmth of my husband's unending love for me, I am trying to understand how it vanished without a trace.

I am trying to comprehend the unthinkable.

One day, some day, this won't be so traumatic.
One day, some day, this pain will fade.
But right now it's a knife wound in my soul, sawing away at all of the pretty pictures in my heart.
One day, some day, I'll be excited for a fresh chance at life. A fresh chance to love someone who won't lie to me.
One day, some day, I will love being on my own, and being able to be slightly selfish.
But right now I am terrified of being hurt again. I am terrified of the monsters under the bed.
One day, some day, I will be so proud of the strength I found in myself. To pick up the pieces of my life, and carry on.
One day, some day, I will look back at this as a bump in the road.
But right now I feel weak. I can't stop crying. And this feels like a mountain I'll never get over.

One day, some day, I will be thankful for the friends who tell me I'm worth more.
One day, some day, I'll appreciate all they did to help me emerge from my pity parties.
Bur right now, I am angry they don't have the perfect words to give me back the man I thought I knew.
One day, some day, I will feel like myself again. 
One day, some day, I won't be a trauma victim.
But right now, is not that day.
How do we move on?

"One foot after the other.
One small step after another."


1 comments:

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry. I wish there were magic words that made everything all better. As someone who has survived divorce, I can tell you that time kept going and so did I. I am now incredibly happily re-married. The life I have now is better than I even knew it could be. I know those can be empty words when you're not there yet, but maybe they will give you hope.

Since I can't do anything else, here's some virtual hugs from a fellow blogger: ((()))

P.S. Apparently there's different ways to type hugs. Hopefully I didn't accidentally type a virtual butt slap or something. Ha!