Thursday, January 14, 2010

Time to face my feelings.

It's been an interesting week. Sunday I lost my phone. Basically...It was stolen. My phone that was so perfect for me, that I worked my ass off for, that I begged for months for....Gone. Now I have been phone-less since Sunday and I am cranky.
Sunday I also went and did a photo shoot for my friend Asa. He was commissioned to do a banner for Breast Cancer Awareness. Ten of us woman stripped naked, painted ourselves head to toe pink and laid out as the Ribbon and Asa photographed us from above. HOPEFULLY any day now he will have the photos up and I can post some on here. I had such a great time! I got to work with woman who were much older than myself and who are very influential business woman in our little town of Rio Vista. It was an eye opening experience in many ways.
One of the woman is going through a divorce. And the more champagne we all drank the more she told us about it. Her husband is addicted to drugs. Has been for years. She married him at 26 when their daughter was 2. Her daughter is now 13, and has told her mom to leave her father. She said that her mom is too good to put up with that. And is strong enough to move on. I cried. I kept thinking of Caden coming to me at 13 and saying something similar and I couldn't handle it.
I asked her if she wishes she had left him sooner or if she is glad she tried to make it work for so long. And then she said something that made the tears flow fresh, and gave me goose bumps.
She said she married him because she was in love with the idea of him. She loved the thought of being married and marrying her daughter's father. And that she stuck it out because she hoped he would love her enough to change. That for all the changing she had done, she always assumed her good example would inspire him. And she realized that it would never have been like that. She said she wished she would have seen him for what he was and not for who she hoped he would be. Because then she wouldn't have married him.
I felt like I had been punched. How many times have I said those same words to myself, or to Seth? Telling him if he loved me enough he would change? I always thought one day he would see how much I had changed for him and he would do it for me.
I don't want to be here in ten years looking at myself in the mirror and realizing I should have thought a bit more clearly.
After the shoot I was pretty emotional. (Partly cause my phone was lost) I went to my in-laws to scare them with my pink body, they weren't home, so I called Seth to tell him I would be heading home but also that I would be stopping to look for my phone.
It was then that he told me he would be in his sister's wedding next month.
That about knocked me off my ass.
He has one sister. And he will be in both of her weddings.
I have one sister and two brothers and I will be lucky to meet their spouses after it's all said and done.
I have never been in a wedding. Not even my own. I think that's a right of passage for girls. You are in your GF's weddings and your sisters. but I lost all of that when I married Seth, and when we got back together. I chose him over my family. And I am still being punished for it. He doesn't deserve it. It's all I can think. He does not deserve that. But yet he gets the honor. And I get to sit back and try not to cry. His sister's weddings, and his friends....and I sit in the chair and watch. And it kills me more and more every time.
It's the stupidest thing....But it really does break my heart. And not even just because I won't be in someone's wedding. But also because I wasn't in mine. No white dress, no friends or family present, no walking down the aisle, no rings, and no pictures what-so-ever.
And I hate him for it. I hate myself too. More of what I gave up for him and it hasn't been worth it.
I'm mad, sad, angry...crying again.
But there is my update for right now.

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