Thursday, January 14, 2010

Time to face my feelings.

It's been an interesting week. Sunday I lost my phone. Basically...It was stolen. My phone that was so perfect for me, that I worked my ass off for, that I begged for months for....Gone. Now I have been phone-less since Sunday and I am cranky.
Sunday I also went and did a photo shoot for my friend Asa. He was commissioned to do a banner for Breast Cancer Awareness. Ten of us woman stripped naked, painted ourselves head to toe pink and laid out as the Ribbon and Asa photographed us from above. HOPEFULLY any day now he will have the photos up and I can post some on here. I had such a great time! I got to work with woman who were much older than myself and who are very influential business woman in our little town of Rio Vista. It was an eye opening experience in many ways.
One of the woman is going through a divorce. And the more champagne we all drank the more she told us about it. Her husband is addicted to drugs. Has been for years. She married him at 26 when their daughter was 2. Her daughter is now 13, and has told her mom to leave her father. She said that her mom is too good to put up with that. And is strong enough to move on. I cried. I kept thinking of Caden coming to me at 13 and saying something similar and I couldn't handle it.
I asked her if she wishes she had left him sooner or if she is glad she tried to make it work for so long. And then she said something that made the tears flow fresh, and gave me goose bumps.
She said she married him because she was in love with the idea of him. She loved the thought of being married and marrying her daughter's father. And that she stuck it out because she hoped he would love her enough to change. That for all the changing she had done, she always assumed her good example would inspire him. And she realized that it would never have been like that. She said she wished she would have seen him for what he was and not for who she hoped he would be. Because then she wouldn't have married him.
I felt like I had been punched. How many times have I said those same words to myself, or to Seth? Telling him if he loved me enough he would change? I always thought one day he would see how much I had changed for him and he would do it for me.
I don't want to be here in ten years looking at myself in the mirror and realizing I should have thought a bit more clearly.
After the shoot I was pretty emotional. (Partly cause my phone was lost) I went to my in-laws to scare them with my pink body, they weren't home, so I called Seth to tell him I would be heading home but also that I would be stopping to look for my phone.
It was then that he told me he would be in his sister's wedding next month.
That about knocked me off my ass.
He has one sister. And he will be in both of her weddings.
I have one sister and two brothers and I will be lucky to meet their spouses after it's all said and done.
I have never been in a wedding. Not even my own. I think that's a right of passage for girls. You are in your GF's weddings and your sisters. but I lost all of that when I married Seth, and when we got back together. I chose him over my family. And I am still being punished for it. He doesn't deserve it. It's all I can think. He does not deserve that. But yet he gets the honor. And I get to sit back and try not to cry. His sister's weddings, and his friends....and I sit in the chair and watch. And it kills me more and more every time.
It's the stupidest thing....But it really does break my heart. And not even just because I won't be in someone's wedding. But also because I wasn't in mine. No white dress, no friends or family present, no walking down the aisle, no rings, and no pictures what-so-ever.
And I hate him for it. I hate myself too. More of what I gave up for him and it hasn't been worth it.
I'm mad, sad, angry...crying again.
But there is my update for right now.


Eva O'Dell said...

I had no idea. I feel terrible that your family made you choose between them. Even if you think he wasn't worth it. I was in a three year relationship once and it was awful. Abusive, destructive, all around horrible. But my family never made me choose. I wish there was something I could offer, but I know there isn't. :(

Kristina Lynn Hudson said...

You can still have a beautiful wedding someday soon, and probably with someone more worthy. You are still very young, and you've learned so many hard lessons already, but you can turn it into something positive. You know now not to give up what you want for another person, and maybe now what you want in life is becoming clearer to you. I think when you have failed, it can liberate you to really take action and go after what you want, because the worst that will happen is you'll have another failure, which you already know you can handle. I feel like I'm rambling as usual, but what I really wanted to say is I know you are going to have all the things in life you want, and it will be beautiful, because you deserve it and you're a beautiful, strong, and loving person. And you don't have to settle for less than what you want, or for someone who can't see how wonderful you are.

Inge' said...

I blame Walt Disney for all this crap we women put ourselves through. We grow up as little girls looking for Prince Charming. By the time we realize the lie, we have settled for the biggest frog on the land. That is what the majority of us do ...SETTLE.

Trust me, I know, you are never too old to start over. Yes it is scary and hard and very, very emotional. But you see some things about yourself in the process. Things like your inner strength, will, and determination. You can see who you are, what you like, where you want to be.

If you are a spiritual person, you learn to lean on God in a way that draws you closer to Him. IF you are not spiritual, you may become so. For me personally, that was the most liberating thing.

You worry about things like what will my children think, how will I make it, can I do it. Obviously your children are seeing things you have turned a blind eye to. You will make it in ways that you never dreamed of. Yes, you can do it. Women do it everyday. You will have to make sacrifices and compromises, but these are miniscule in comparison to the ones you have already made.

While my husband and I did manage to work things out, I rediscovered myself and vowed to never lose her again. No more compromising my self-respect, dignity, or integrity just to get along and avoid an argument.

You need to really look at your relationship. If you have to, write down the pros and cons. Once you make your decision, don't look back. No one ever moved forward by living in the past.

I wish you well and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Nikki said...

Ah baby! First of all CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THE PICS!!! Secondly you will get through this, and you will have the white wedding with all the bells and whistles. I'll even dance on the tables for free. You deserve a better marriage. You deserve a better relationship with your family. You deserve so much more because of who you are and how you touch people.

I love you!