Thursday, January 7, 2010

Trying to see around the wall.



I feel like I have this wall in front of me. When I try to climb over it I slide off. I tried to dig under it but I couldn't find the under. I wanted to walk around it but it never ended. Now i'm just pushin on the bricks...eventually one will give and the secret door will creak open, yes?


Me and my crazy self. That's who.
Since Monday....I haven't sang, and I have canceled my lessons. I only wrote, though not posted, twice. But I have read 3 books. I have come up with a few ideas for my life, although still no solutions to my hardest questions.
I I keep re reading all of your comments from my argument with Nikki. Some of them left me stunned.
As always, my dear cousin Kristina, you know just what to say to get to the heart of the matter. I feel unbalanced. And I am desperately trying to get things back to an even keel, but perhaps I over compensate. You said "it's tempting to go to the extreme and punish ourselves." It's why I cut myself and had an eating disorder as a teenager. When you feel out of control you do anything to feel some control. And you're right. We know it doesn't work in the end.
Eva, you are a complete stranger and yet you think I am inspiring. I look forward to logging onto Blogger everyday so that I can read what YOU wrote. Because I think it's amazing and special to find someone who I have never met that can write what's in my soul. Your words always make me feel and think. I know that your book will be popular someday and I will marvel that you wish to inspire me.
Allie, I don't think age has anything on experience. Never doubt yourself because you think you are young. Because you will always be younger than someone else. You are very correct that when something is written out the whole world seems clear. Getting the words out of your head and onto paper... they have their own life, their own power. They can either hurt or heal, but always they make change. Life is messy yes...but how much of that mess do we create ourselves?

I have not made any decisions on anything. Mainly cause I know it will be foolish to say anything definitive before I see Nikki. We will fight and laugh and cry and in the end we will make the decision together.
I have to admit that I do feel a bit uncluttered now. Although I do have an overwhelming sadness in me. Almost like I lost a friend. But their are many new things taking place, hard decisions to be made, and this time of year with the cold and clouds can make even the most devout rain lover feel heartsick.
Thank you all.

3 comments:

Eva O'Dell said...

I have the same feeling. I look forward to logging on just to see what you have to say. Sometimes strangers are the best, because we can relate in ways that are more raw. We can share our secrets and emotions and feel no obligation to feel shameful about it. I am always here for you, and looking forward to what you have to say.

-MissC* said...

Oh Eva. You are like the SunRise. Something so beautiful and pure to look forward to. And always so refreshing and upbuilding.

Inge' said...

It is good that you feel uncluttered. A clear mind is a thing to be cherished.

I made the drastic move of completely moving out for a year. Mainly because my words were falling on deaf ears. Part of the issue was exactly what you are dealing with now.

While things are better in this area, he does have a tendency to slip back into his old routine rather easily. So it is a constant battle. However, my outlook is different. I now realize that I don't have to live in an atmosphere that makes me uncomfortable. He realizes that I won't.

I am not saying this is the right move for you, nor am I saying that it will work. But, peace of mind is a beautiful thing and sometimes you have to do the drastic thing even of for a while to make a point.