Tuesday, January 5, 2010

This is Nikki

I’m taking over Miss’ blog for a second to post the conversation I had with her earlier. She sent me the previous post to publish for her, and I put up a fight before I did. Please help me, help her understand that she doesn’t have to give up what she loves or give up being who she is to make the change that she needs to finally be happy.

smyles00: holy crap miss! don't you dare stop writing! its not stupid or childish. its a way of release, its a hobby and you'd go nuts without that
smyles00: secondly, i'm sorry seth is being a douche. i hope he doesn't drag this whole thing out and make things worse for you
barbie_hick: I have to stop Nikki.
smyles00: why do you have to stop? because i think your nuts if you do
barbie_hick: What's it helping me accomplish? Nothing. Two things I have done my entire life and they have both been a huge waste of time.
smyles00: does it not feel awesome to write something? if it doesn't then stop. but if it makes you happy or makes you feel good, then it isn't a problem
barbie_hick: It makes me feel good yes. But its not helping make my life better.
smyles00: if i don't write something or read something, i start to get angsty. i start to feel closed in, like theres no excitement no newness
smyles00: its not making it worse by any means.
barbie_hick: If I don't completely change who I am my life will never get better. I need to stop throwing myself into books and music and writing.
smyles00: if thats all you do, then yeah, back off. but if it helps you clear your head, then stopping it won't help you at all.
smyles00: sweetie i'm afraid your looking at this way wrong.
barbie_hick: I just have to figure out how to be someone else. And stopping what I have always done seems to be the best way.
smyles00: no! omg why on earth do you think you need to change and be someone else?
smyles00: sweetie i'm being serious. writing, music and reading is not a waste of time. its a hobby, its a release, its a part of who you are. you stop
smyles00: that, you stop being miss. and that is so not going to fix anything. that is only going to make everything worse
barbie_hick: I have to be someone else if I want things to change. Who I am now doesn't make things change or get better!
smyles00: who says?
barbie_hick: Me
smyles00: ha well no offense, but you are wrong and your only feeling this way because of something someone sad
smyles00: its one thing to improve how you do things, or even to try to see things differently. but to change who you are completely, that will add problems
barbie_hick: Fine. I had my singing lesson yesterday and it was just more funny than serious. And someone asked me why I did it still. And it made me realise that I h
barbie_hick: ad never thought about it. I did it cause I liked it and always have and nothing more. Its never done anything for me.
smyles00: then quit that, but not the writing. you can't quit everything miss
smyles00: are you mad at me?
barbie_hick: I have been thinking about this all day yesterday and today. Just post my blog please. I need to keep myself free of distractions while I figure out what to do.
barbie_hick: I won't stop posting updates on me or my health. I won't stop blogging. I am just choosing to be analytical instead of creative right now.
barbie_hick: No of course not!
barbie_hick: I could never ever be mad at you! Never! I would rather hurt myself than be mad at you.
smyles00: I will once I understand why. Because to me, this is coming across I'm giving up on everything that makes me happy because I'm miserable
smyles00: good, i'm just trying to be helpful
barbie_hick: Reading a book. Singing. Putting words together... Its all taking up time that I need to be using to change my life.
smyles00: lol you do realize that if i was saying that, you'd be beating me? you do need to focus on getting things better, but part of that is being happy
smyles00: and you can't be happy if you give up the things that make you happy
barbie_hick: What if its these things that are making me unhappy?
smyles00: how are they making you unhappy then? because a hobby hasn't taken off and made you a career? many people have hobbies that do nothing for them
barbie_hick: Maybe cause it takes up all of my time.
smyles00: then back off of it, but don't stop it all together.
barbie_hick: I just think stopping everything... At least for awhile is what I need.
smyles00: are you sure? or is it because someone told you this? doing the things you love to keep you sane, is not being selfish.
smyles00: i'm just trying to make sure he didn't say something to you thats caused this. because this doesn't sound like you
barbie_hick: No one said anything. I just started thinking.
barbie_hick: Good
smyles00: part of me not understanding this is because, i could not give those things up for anything, it keeps me going
smyles00: what do you mean good? and what do you mean by you want to change who you are? i don't get that
barbie_hick: Good that I don't sound like me.
smyles00: ugh woman, if i could scream i would have. why do you not want to be you?
barbie_hick: What good has it done me to be me?! I always get hurt or get screwed over!!
smyles00: omg sweetie! it has NOTHING to do with you. it has to do with those around you.
smyles00: thats like saying that anyone ever hurt is responsible for it happening. and that is not true. i did nothing to deserve the crap i put up with
smyles00: in highschool, i thought i did, i thought i wasn't good enough to be happy. that it was me that was the problem. that i had to pretend to be
smyles00: someone i wasn't just so people liked me. and i was wrong. omg was i wrong.
barbie_hick: Then if its the people around me something about me is bringing them in!!!
smyles00: no! no no no! omg i wish i was there to help you.

barbie_hick: I just need to do this for awhile.
smyles00: i'm afraid for you right now miss. you sound like i did before i got meds.
barbie_hick: Im not saying im going to kill myself! I just have to fix my life.
smyles00: lol i know but fixing your life, is not changing everything about yourself. its changing your environment. changing your location or job
smyles00: what would you say to me if i said, i'm stopping everything that i do, everything that makes me me, because it hasn't gotten me anywhere.
barbie_hick: But I can't do any of those things without being prepared.
smyles00: you don't have to stop writing, to find a new job. or changing who you are to move. all you need is a newspaper, a phone and some paper and a pen
barbie_hick: There is a difference Nikki! You don't get screwed over by everyone around you. Your marriage isn't falling apart. You don't have to move half way across
barbie_hick: the country to feel safe! If you did then maybe you could understand.
smyles00: oh sweetie. i know i am not going through this, and i haven't to this extent, but as someone who loves you and would never hurt you i swear to you
smyles00: that you have done NOTHING to deserve any of this. you are an awesome person, who deserves to be loved and treated better. and i will all i can
smyles00: to make that happen. and i'll be damned if i let you give up on yourself because others are fucking stupid and causing you to feel like this
barbie_hick: Come on Nikki! I mean I have no family, my best friend lives two thousand miles away, I have an entire shit load of inlaws who all hate me because they a
barbie_hick: ssume I slept with someone other than seth two years ago, and all because I didn't feel like dealing with Seth's BS anymore, and it doesn't even matter t
barbie_hick: o them that a month after I left he started dating someone else and got married!! I got raped by my best friend who WAS A GIRL. Who then went after my hu
barbie_hick: sband while trying to convince him and his whole family I was a cheater.... And that's just the inlaws!!
smyles00: yeah thats them, baby that is them not you. you didn't do any of that. you didn't say hey, hurt me. you trusted them, you loved them
smyles00: omg miss, i'm so sorry i can't help you more than by texting or a phone call. i hate that i can't do more for you to see how awesome you are
barbie_hick: My husband prefers porn to me and can't figure out why that is so horrible and makes me hate myself. My family LITERALLY says im the devil for having any
barbie_hick: thing to do with my real dad. And im scared as shit every day that im going to get hurt again and that I will screw up caden's life. So... Yes I need to
barbie_hick: make changes. A whole heaping shit load of them.
smyles00: yes, by getting away from all those people who are causing you harm. in all that you said, its what others have done to you, not you to them
barbie_hick: I know enough to know that at times like this all I can do to change the situation is fix myself. That's all im trying to do. And ill be there in a few w
barbie_hick: eeks. You can argue with me then.
smyles00: lol you better believe i will and so will bo
barbie_hick: Lol Bo won't do nothin. He knows better than to jump in if the two of us are going at it.
smyles00: haha yeah....well he'd want to assist but he agrees with me that its not you who needs to change
barbie_hick: Lol well then ill argue with him too. Just post my blog. Please.

smyles00: ok
barbie_hick: Thank you.I love you.


Allie said...

I may not be as old as you are, but I think that writing is sometimes the only way to cope with hardship. It is true that it does not fix situations, but I find that after I write in my journal or on my blog and REALLY get everything out, I am able to see my situation more clearly. Books and writing offer an escape- the freedom to be whoever you want and delve into the life of someone else. Sometimes, it's the best thing to have that escape. It is true that you should not spend all of your time on books music and writing, but it's part of who you are as a writer and creative thinker. You are SO TALENTED and you shouldn't stop doing what you love because of some problems. Your writing does not only help you- it helps me and probably more people who read your blogs. Being able to identify to someone else's situation sometimes provides new insight into one's own life. Giving up your passions will probably make you feel even more empty than before. I know it feels like you need a complete life makeover, but what you should really do is view your problems from all angles. My grandfather has always told me that he grew up with the notion that one should look at things from every angle in order to find the right solution. Life is messy, but trying to clear out everything and start over can often make things worse. I have never been part of anything close to your experiences, but as a high school student I often feel as though I'm not good enough for people. In reality, the best thing I can do is try and find someone who makes me as happy as I make him. Trying to become a new person (especially someone I'm not) won't make me feel any less undeserving of experiences and people. I really hope you continue to live the life you've been having. Granted, you've hit more severe bumps than I have, but I think you'll find that the hurt is only going to make you stronger and better in the end.

Nikki said...

Thank you Allie!! You'd think after all these years Miss would believe me when I tell the truth. But hopefully seeing your post, and others she'll change her mind about letting all this go and changing.

You rock Miss, you always have, you always will. It's those around you that need to change.

Eva O'Dell said...

Don't ever give up writing, or dreaming or being who you are. You are an amazing person, and inspiring. I look forward to reading your posts and delving into the mind that is "Life as YOU see it". If there is any piece of advice I could offer it would be to never stop believing in yourself and never give up who you are for the sake of someone else. Always do what's right, and you know what's right because it's hiding in your heart.
Thank you for your inspiration. Please, let us now, inspire you to keep going.

Kristina Lynn Hudson said...

It sounds partly like you want badly to make a change because you are so exasperated with your current circumstances. You want to focus your energy on making that change instead of on writing. I think if you do that, your writing and other things are still going to be there when you are ready to do them again. Although, when you say you want to stop writing, reading, and singing to change yourself because of all the people in your life who have hurt you, it sounds like frustration talking because you want so badly to make a vast change and because you've been so hurt. Of course it's not your fault that these people have hurt you, and changing who you are deep down for these people would just be allowing them to hurt you even deeper. You don't want to let these people harden you or turn you into a shell of yourself, so that years later you regret it. But I think it is mature of you to question why you might have chosen certain people to be in your life. And it is mature to evaluate ourselves and see what positive changes we can make in ourselves during times of crisis. Because after all, we are all that we can change in life. However, stopping things you love to do in order to change yourself sounds kind of like stopping eating altogether when wanting to lose a few pounds--it's tempting to go to the extreme and punish ourselves, but we know it doesn't work in the long run. For what it's worth that's my opinion, but I could be way off and have no idea what I'm talking about.