Friday, January 22, 2010

Baby, Baby, Baby-Bring me down.

I spent the last 4 days sleeping on a futon, working in dirty restaurants and being soaking wet in a smelly truck with just Seth. Surprisingly no one died.
We cussed at each other a lot and fought often. But that's really nothing new. I cooked dinner for him. (We stayed at a friend's house while we were working in the Bay Area.) He bought me some new books. I didn't whine about him playing his games till two in the morning. And he didn't whine when I needed to nap.
But I couldn't get it to be more than that. I don't know if it was cause it was just the two of us or what but he was so clingy, and it drove me insane. Normally I love that kind of thing, but not with Seth.
I keep testing myself, making sure this is what I want, and it's always a resounding yes. Every time he touched me, asked me what I was thinking, tried to kiss me, I pushed him away. I can't let him in like that again. I don't want him that close to me.
It was horrible. I didn't even know how to tell him AGAIN how I was feeling.
He has been my whole adult life. And I am scared about life without him. And in many ways I do still love him. But I love who I wish he would be. And the good parts about him just aren't seen enough.
Don't get me wrong. He has changed SO much since we split up that it's almost night and day. But it hasn't been enough. He is not the man I need him to be. And instead of trying to be that person he just tells me that "Neither one of us is who the other needs."
Not only has it not been enough... The changes he has made doesn't make up for the hurt from his actions the last 6 years.
One of my friends thought at first, that when I was going to work with Seth this week it meant I was going to try to work on things with him. Isn't it sad that I don't even think of that as being an option? Working on things with Seth just means getting through the day to day things without being so mad that I beat him over the head with the nearest sharp object. I said I keep trying to see if I can make my heart change but it is very stuck on no. And I don't blame it.


Eva said...

You speak so honestly of the good and bad in relationships. How can we hate them so much, and not be able to live without them? If you ever have the answer to that question, let me know.

Inge' said...

It sounds like you have a lot of pent up anger towards Seth. The problem with keeping all this inside is that it spills out into your relationships with others.

Because you have not worked out your problems, the little things you used to love are now the things you hate.

You really put it in a nut shell when you said, "I love who I wish he would be." The brutal honest truth is no one is ever going to be who we wish they would be. That is because we all screw up. We all hurt each other.

You have some very hard choices to make. If you decide to try and work it out, you both need to be honest with each other. You need to get those old pains out and forgive each other. No it won't be the same nor will it be what you envision. But, with help, you may be able to work it out and be stronger together.

But, if you are dead set on leaving, then you need to realize that it will be hard on a lot of levels. But, you will learn things about yourself that you are not aware of now. You will also learn things about Seth.

Just make sure that whatever your decision is, you can live with the outcome.

-MissC* said...

Eva... For my part it's cause I am dependent on him for the wrong reasons. I have had so many people lost to me or taken away from me that I cling to the ones who have known me. Seth is a comfort only because he has been in front of me all this time. Stupid reason though.

Inge... I do have stored anger. And it's not like me. I'm usually the first to forgive and forget and move on. But I am stuck on everything that happened 2 years ago. Part of it I know is because he still doesn't think he messed up as bad as he did and hasn't apologized for it. But most of it is because things really were THAT bad. I have told him over and over how I feel and why. But I think he is so used to me just getting over it, as it were, that he never sees that how I am feeling is real.
I know that I had hopes for him that were too high, But even lowering the bar hasn't helped.
Either way Seth will always be in my life because of Caden. So I'm trying to make this as easy as possible on both of us.