Baby, Baby, Baby-Bring me down.

I spent the last 4 days sleeping on a futon, working in dirty restaurants and being soaking wet in a smelly truck with just Seth. Surprisingly no one died.
We cussed at each other a lot and fought often. But that's really nothing new. I cooked dinner for him. (We stayed at a friend's house while we were working in the Bay Area.) He bought me some new books. I didn't whine about him playing his games till two in the morning. And he didn't whine when I needed to nap.
But I couldn't get it to be more than that. I don't know if it was cause it was just the two of us or what but he was so clingy, and it drove me insane. Normally I love that kind of thing, but not with Seth.
I keep testing myself, making sure this is what I want, and it's always a resounding yes. Every time he touched me, asked me what I was thinking, tried to kiss me, I pushed him away. I can't let him in like that again. I don't want him that close to me.
It was horrible. I didn't even know how to tell him AGAIN how I was feeling.
He has been my whole adult life. And I am scared about life without him. And in many ways I do still love him. But I love who I wish he would be. And the good parts about him just aren't seen enough.
Don't get me wrong. He has changed SO much since we split up that it's almost night and day. But it hasn't been enough. He is not the man I need him to be. And instead of trying to be that person he just tells me that "Neither one of us is who the other needs."
Not only has it not been enough... The changes he has made doesn't make up for the hurt from his actions the last 6 years.
One of my friends thought at first, that when I was going to work with Seth this week it meant I was going to try to work on things with him. Isn't it sad that I don't even think of that as being an option? Working on things with Seth just means getting through the day to day things without being so mad that I beat him over the head with the nearest sharp object. I said I keep trying to see if I can make my heart change but it is very stuck on no. And I don't blame it.

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