I just wanted to share the coolest thing that I found yesterday!!!
Turning your Blog into a book!!!
http://blogger.sharedbook.com/pilot/framesetHome.do
I think this is a wonderful idea and the price is wonderful.

Recently all I can think of is finding home. I need to get out of Rancho. Out of the city. I feel like I'm strangling here without some sort of outdoors. I haven't been camping or away from civilization in over a year and it's really making me miserable.
I'm so used to living in pretty places. Where you can walk from your home a few miles and be lost in the earth. I need that.This is Cache Creek. It's in the Capay Valley here in California. My parents owned a house right next to it and I spent most of my childhood playing here.
This is the Rumsey bridge. Right next to my old house. Cach creek runs under it. I remember taking walks across here with my mom and my dad, and even my cousins John and David. We used to see Mt Lions drinking from the creek, and cat fish swimming. My Uncle Lee used to float down the river almost every day and bring home cat fish for dinner.

This picture...well this just instantly makes me feel at home. This is pretty much what the whole Capay Valley looks like. When we moved from Cali to OK this is what I missed most. The green hills all around me ever day. I always felt like I was being hugged by them. I have driven past them, and hiked over them, and rode horses over them, and even quads....most of my childhood.
I don't have the pictures anymore from our home in Big Cabin Oklahoma, but our house was in the middle of nowhere. And I loved it. We had horses and ponds and acres of nothing to let our imaginations run wild in.
When we moved from Oklahoma to Siloam Springs, Arkansas I fell in love with the little historic town instantly.
Downtown Siloam is full of historic old buildings. As well as Sager creek that runs through it and all the way down to the duck crossing next to the library. It's such a beautiful place with SO much history. I miss it the most.
Rio Vista California...or as I call the Delta...The Islands.
Isleton Bridge.Sandy BeachRio Vista facing HWY 12.
Rio and the islands is a great spot. Tiny little towns. Touristy. But everyone knows everyone. And tons of little hideaway spots. Plus the fresh Delta breeze!!! I lived here longer than anywhere. 6 years.
And then my last home Redding.
Natural Falls.
Whiskey town lake. About 7 miles from my home in Redding.Burney Falls. 45 minutes from Redding. Sacramento River, running through Redding. With Mt. Shasta in the background.Redding was a wonderful area. Trees, forests, lakes...and all conveniently located next to shopping. haha.

So then where is my home now?
Home isn't where you are. It's how you feel when you are there. I don't need a big home...I just want to feel at home when I am there. I want to feel peaceful and safe and inspired. I want it to be mine.
A good friend of mine once said that you can transplant a thriving plant, but it may not grow in the new pot.

So that's what I want. My own pot. Where I can stretch my roots deep and bloom.

I am so full of anger and hurt.
But I don't really know what to say.
I hate you both for being so stupid.
And for using each other like pawns in the most evil game.

And yet...I mainly just pity you both.
How empty and unhappy you must be,
to fill your book with new ways of hurting me.

I used to be so jealous of you both, you always had each other.
And I always wanted to be a part of that.
But now I see that the only thing holding you together is misery.

And all I ever did was escape and leave you two to stew in it.

Every word you say has barbs that hurt. How can that make you happy?
You always make me wonder what is so horrible about me that you can't love me.
And it's not fair.
And I hate you for it.
You are my family. You have to love me. And you don't.
And yet....I have so many who love me purely because they want to.
You have given me more tearful memories than joyful ones.
You have made me hate myself, and lose faith in myself.
And doing that makes you wrong.

It's at this point you will get on your soap box and preach to all who can hear that I am blaming you for all the bad I have done. But that's never been the truth. I'm calling you out on how you make me feel, and despite your laughter my feelings do matter.

I have tried to wish evil for you to ease the ache I feel, but I can't bare the thought of being like you. Instead I cry for you. For the pain and anguish you put yourself and everyone around you through.

A black cloud sweeping low, sucking the life out of all you pass over. You make me freeze inside from the lack of warmth. And still I cry for you. Still I put myself right out there. Just waiting for the next twist of the knife to shave off more of my heart.

When will you be satisfied? How many more tears need to spill so that you are done?
I no longer know if I will make it out from under you alive.

I had this dream last night that you were falling. I kept calling your name and begging for you to take my hand, because I knew I was strong enough to pull you up. But you wouldn't even reach out to me. I chased after you as fast as I could, trying to catch you, but you never even tried. And I felt so useless, even though I knew I was strong.
Loving you is like having a strong wind rip through my life. It's so strong and so fast that there is nothing I can do to slow it down or stop it. And even though it leaves my life topsy turvy, I don't mind. And I'm ok. And to be completely honest...I throw myself right into the middle of it and just enjoy being carried away.

I can't begin to describe what you mean to me, this feeling in my heart,
SWEET MYSTERY!
When I'm lying in my bed, and thoughts of you fill my head-
Oh baby can't you see that they are ecstasy!
I think I might let go and let myself fall into you.
It doesn't matter if we speak at all because your heart speaks to me.
{Thump, Thump}
The scent of your skin does me in and my walls start to burn like paper.
I can tell you now how simple it's been to let you in.
Melt into me now.
Like the song belongs to melody, you belong to me.
Let your breathe, your flesh, your love surround me-You feel like home.
But the nights drag on and on and you're so far away. Maybe I'm foolish but I don't want to be loved by anyone but you.
At night when I'm home I listen for my phone, wondering if you will ring.
And I wonder if you feel the same.

"If every hole leaves a scar, and every scar marks it's place than I will never live freely without your trace."

This is better than crying, when I'm already worn out from tryin. Both of us doing our best to make the other feel unwelcome here.
I wake up and the lightbulb clicks. I wish there was more I could say, as another fairy tale fades to gray. I've lived on hope, faking my smiles, and all the while wishing my heart had wings.
This is me-ending the war, heading for the door-
The best you ever had.
We've been doing the war dance for so long now, treating love like a battlefield.
Who will blink? What do you think?
Love is a game until it's played. And if it's lost then what's there to save? Life can take a long time if you make the wrong choice. Now our hearts are locked inside iron boxes. Both of us too afraid to reveal our most tender parts, cause we have filled each other up with holes.
We were just children, following a feeling. Not knowing that love could just wither away. And looking back it passed us so softly. Becoming strangers so quickly. so tired of fighting and too tired to hang on anymore.
Please don't open your mouth, I can read all the signs. It's a whole life of "wish you coulds". But "just couldn'ts."
Even when I think of a wasted life spent loving you, it doesn't make me mad. 5 years of kisses packed up in your bag. This moment holds all the big things we had.
And I can't pinpoint when love left or what for. It always steps lightly when it slips out the door. Looking back from this side I can't help but wonder how I thought it was you who was always wrong.
But now I see that when love is a battlefield you trample the garden below you and it fades away.
"I'm sorry" will not mend a broken heart.

I was looking around for some inspiration today when I came across this. I ADORE this photo. IT is feminine and yet mysterious. I love the purple and gold. I also love how the character is beautiful with short hair.
Now to come up with some words fit for it.

Currently I live in the top apt in the corner. But in the next few weeks I will be moving to the one below it. I am TIRED. SICK AND TIRED of my bedroom roof leaking. Everytime it rains it leaks on me. Then my bedding, mattress, and carpet get soaked and I not only get sick but I have to spend time and money washing everything.
So I am moving.
It's a good thing. My apt will stay cooler in the summer being on the bottom. (If I'm still here.) I will get to repaint things different colors. I will clear out some clutter. Hopefully I will utilize space better. PLUS my front door will open onto a wider patio and I will have a tree, and a few bushes. Plus a small spot to do some planting if I wish. So I am happy about that.
There were two other two bedroom apts available in my building only they overlooked the main road, train tracks and the other complex and parking lot. I need a View. If I have to live in an apt I need a view of trees and grass. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. I would be perfectly content to live in the middle of nowhere, with lots of trees. But alas I don't get to yet.
So what am I sacrificing to keep my view? Two weeks of hard labor. The new apt is NASTY. Actually...nasty is putting it mildly. It's unliveably gross. Seth thought it was gross! Which means it's REALLY bad if he noticed it. (I had to put that in there so that Nikki wouldn't say that everything is gross according to my standards. lol!)
But...once I am done the place will be AMAZING!
I am taking my stove, fridge and dishwasher with me. I will put down my new hardwood floors that I bought months ago and have had sitting in the closet all this time. I have already figured out what to do to get rid of some of the clutter from my bedroom without sacrificing storage.
And I have been scouring craigslist to find a Computer hutch, and a standing dresser to save on space too!
I spent two hours at Home Depot coming up with ideas as well. And I am going to have window boxes. Because I really need plants. I have my prayer plant in the kitchen, which I do love, but I want to see flowers....OH! I have some more pictures to share.....





Home Depot had beautiful flowers! Fire and Ice Roses (My fave!!!) Teacup roses, red tulips and orchids. They were all so heavenly! I adore teacup roses though. I hope they will still be there in a week or so cause I am gonna buy one or two. Last month I found the cutest flower pot at Walmart. It was shaped like a tea cup and the catchall was the tea cup plate. It was so adorable! How cute would it be to put teacup roses in a teacup flower pot? Too cutesy? lol I don't care.
But seeing those flowers really made my day!

It starts with a spark inside your heart.
Fueled by the gentle lightning burst of fingers brushing against each other.
A fast heated start, an entrapment of a different kind.
A heartbeat fast enough to stop the charts.
It starts with a spark in your heart-And you'll never wish to part.
With one touch my heart stops.
With on kiss I can't breathe!
(Oh don't let it end!)
With one thought I can feel you holding me again, the scent of your skin, my body trembles.
It all starts with a spark inside your heart.

I am feelin so spunky today!
"Like a live wire sparkin all over the road!"
I made these house shoes. And I think they are just so much fun to dance all over the house in! I keep doing Pirouettes, walking through my house En Pointe!

So I took some advice from a friend and bought my first bottle of black nail polish today.
And then I remembered why I never bought any before! It looks horrible on me! I have long thin "piano" fingers with long nails. Not short stubby emo fingers with half the nail bitten off. Black eye make up....Oh yeah. I completely own that look and will make men drool. But the whole emo thing...nope. I guess I'm just too bubbly for that!
So yeah....It really is an awesome black though....just not really me.
BUT!!! I have another picture too.....
LOOK!!!! I'm thin!!!! lol well thinner! I have lost 4 dress sizes. And I am ecstatic! lol I am back to lookin hott and I love it!
lol I have a waist! I just can't get over that. I was puttin a shirt on earlier and Seth came in the room....who hasn't seen me without a shirt in God knows how long....and he was shell shocked. He was midsentance, blabbing about football stuff, when he stopped and couldn't stop staring. lol Even considering it was Seth...It felt so good!
When Nikki met me I was 135 pounds. If I don't get back down to that I won't mind. Just two more sizes and I won't complain anymore!!! Well...wait...I am a woman....I just won't complain as much AND I will wear a bathing suit.
;-P

I absolutely love this picture. It makes me feel optimistic.
And it makes me think of new beginnings.
Have I mentioned lately that I love FaceBook? Well I do. I have reconnected with all of these people that I have known since I was really little. Which....if you have read any of my blogs then you know how much that means to me.
The cool thing is that I have been reconnecting with Woman who were friends of my parents. They are all in their 40's or older. And like I previously stated I have known them all most of my life. But pretty much all of them hate my mother. Some she lied to. Some she snubbed. Some she flirted with their husbands. And...I will admit...some just didn't like her because she was a 5'8 155 lb Blond.
BUT....These woman are not only sending me friend requests but then they are talking to me. Telling me how proud they are of me. And that they miss me. It's the strangest thing to me. But I am absolutely reveling in it!
It's like getting a second chance. I am no longer paying for her mistakes! People are finally seeing me and not either of my parents. It's a wonderful feeling.

You make me want to scream.
But I don't think you'd see me even then.
One step back towards my own world and I'm instantly invisible to you.
Everything said is meaningless compared to all you won't say.
Fall in love with me again!
It'd be so easy. The simplest thing you ever did.
I get just enough of you to see me through,
But I'm still invisible to you.
Why won't you try to trust me!?

I think about your hands, the feel of them gripping me and
fighting with my clothes.
The smell of them as they pour into me.
I just want to scream! Break this world like glass,
But I'd still be invisible to you.
I'm so sharp in someone Else's eye sight.
But you only see me in a fog. Some vague point of reference
in a life of sunshine.

So I'm slipping. Fading away from you in a way that only I can feel.
And you've left me with this hungry ache and a sky full of questions.
My heart, to your side itself was sewing. But all these doubts tore asunder.

My only consolation...the night you once were in my arms.
And the knowledge that my eyes will haunt your empty life.
When you see that a piece of you is missing, look in the shadows.
And listen for my scream.

And what makes me write so morosely on such a beautiful night? And why do I keep hitting replay on the song that makes me cry? That song I can't sing through the tears. The song that won't let me forget you?

And once again my topic of conversation is you.
The only thoughts in my head are you.
You. You. You. YOU!

I whisper your name over and over, like a secret spell that would wrap its hand around yours and lead it to where my heart is waiting for yours.

"Something always brings me back to you. And it never takes to long."

I stare at the city at night, all lit up like it's ready to be taken out dancing.
I see all those twinkling lights and I can't help but think that each one is like a person.
One day the light will go out and before night falls it will have been replaced, not disturbing anyone.
~The world continues to spin ignorantly~
One day the light goes out, and a new one will be there to replace it.
One will live in it's house, another will drive it's car, another will wear it's clothes, and yet another will take it's job.
No interruptions.

(Picture taken by Caden when I thought he was sleeping.)

My cousin killed herself. Shot herself.
She was 29 and had two kids.
I just can't get over this.

Shot herself. Picked up a gun and shot herself. And left her two kids. On a Sunday. These pieces don't fit together to me.

I have been there. On that brink. So sad, so desperate, just wanting to forget it all. I swallowed a bottle of Tylenol when I was 11. I slit my wrists when I was 15. But the weird thing was that I didn't want to die. I just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up.
When Caden was born I hated everything. I thought constantly about just fading away. But then I thought about Caden being alone and in pain because of my selfishness, and I couldn't do that to him. And that one thought...kept me going all of those horrible years.

I never once would have thought that she was capable of this. And now I think about her two kids and what a nightmare she left behind for them. And I think....How much worse were things for her?
I think of her parents, my uncle JR and aunt Fairysue and I can't imagine those two happy, loving people being so devastated by a loss of this magnitude. How unstable the world must seem to them right now.
SHOT HERSELF!! She fucking shot herself!
HOW!?
I keep trying to say that over and over and it won't sink in.
Two little kids. Loving parents. Two big sisters. And she shot herself.

I remember singing with her. Our family's all live on the same property together off Table Rock Lake. We used to have family reunions there and cat fish fry's. And her and I would sing karaoke. I think my grandpa bought that machine just for us. We were already talking about doing a duet at the next reunion...even though it's a year away.

She shot herself.
She just shot herself.


And the only thing I think about is that if I get a phone call one day from Bo saying that Nikki is gone... Oh God I don't know what I'll do.

I got the most random phone call yesterday, and it really upset me.
She is a friend of mine who moved far away, and when she called she was extremely emotional and upset. She kept yelling at me that I needed to tell her about how I felt. Not about anything n particular...she said she needed to know how I felt about something anything. I was trying not to get pissed so I asked her to tell me what was going on.
She said she got a phone call from a mutual acquaintance whom I have not spoken to in a few years and neither had she. Apparently this person called and was upset because my friend had not told her she was moving. She said no one had known she had even left! And my friend said well Miss and Seth knew. And this other person got super mad and started yelling why would we know and she didn't? And my friend said "well because Miss is my best friend." And this other person said "No one can be Miss's friend. No one even knows her."
Which was the reason for my friend's call.
She says that she has been my friend for 7 years and she has no idea who I am. Now I thought that was very funny. I told her "You know I sing, I write, I read more than anyone. I love the rain. I'm bomb ass at doing shots. And I'm a natural blond." haha.
For some odd reason she wasn't amused. She started saying that she has no idea how I think or feel about anything. She said that I talk about what I did, or want and not how I feel.
So I told her the truth...I rarely tell anyone how I feel. First of all....Who asks how someone feels? And I am not the kind of person who just tells anyone how I feel.
Growing up at my house you kept your feelings to yourself. Other wise it was just someone else's ammo.
She says that she was talking with some of our other friends and that they all felt I was not that close to anyone.
Apparently I had someone who stuck up for me....sorta. He said that the only time he had ever seen me close to anyone was when I was talking/with someone I grew up with.
I have been thinking about that this whole day...and I guess it makes sense. Even some of the people that I grew up with didn't know how bad my family life was. But those who knew my family I think I feel more comfortable around. All of my friends here in Cali don't know ANY of my family. I'm completely alone. But when I talk to my old friends they know my siblings and they know the places I've been, to an extent.
I dunno...I have been out of sorts since her call.
I'm just really not sure what to think since it happened.

Ok so I am trying to plan a trip to OK/AR/MO to go and visit friends and family and it's startin to frustrate me. I thought about driving...but my car still isn't running AND it would cost around 800 bucks in gas both ways. I could fly in to Kansas City and see a really great friend and maybe my grandparents, but I can't use my car at my grandparents to see Nikki because 1) it's got something wrong with it 2) They are driving it since their car has something wrong with it. And i could fly in to Tulsa and Bo and Nik could pick me up but then I wouldn't get to see anyone else.
I'm kinda thinkin I might take the Bus. I can take the bus from Sac to Tulsa spend a week or so with Nik and have my grandparents come to me. And then either take the bus from Tulsa to KC or Go to my grandparents home and see if my friend will come there to get me and then take the bus from KC to Sac.
I dunno. I am going. Going for sure! And I'm hoping it will be as soon as next month!!!

You made a mistake
On the day that you met me and lost your way
You saw all the signs
But you let it go
You closed your eyes
I shoulda told you to leave
Cause I knew all the time you couldn't handle me
But you're hard to resist
When you're on your knees
Begging me

Chorus:
I tear you down
I'll make you bleed eternally
Can't help myself
From hurting you when it's hurting me
I don't have wings
So flyin with me won't be easy
Cause I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel

Hate being that wall
That you hit when you feel like you gave it all
I keep taking the blame
When we both know that I'll never change

Chorus:
I tear you down
I'll make you bleed eternally
Can't help myself
From hurting you when it's hurting me
I don't have wings
So flyin with me won't be easy
Cause I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel

I wasn't always this way
I used to be the one with the halo
But that disappeared when I had my first taste
And fell from grace
It left me in this place
I'm starting to think maybe you like it

Chorus:
I tear you down
I'll make you bleed eternally
Can't help myself
From hurting you when it's hurting me
I don't have wings
So flyin with me won't be easy
Cause I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel
I'm not an angel

One night I had a dream.
We were there but I couldn't see.
You came to me so filled with light,
and gently grazed my face.
My eyes became full and heavy and
I knew it was you with me.
And I didn't feel so alone.

I gazed at my palm,
where a heart lay within.
It was where the bubble landed,
and then you were gone.

I think it was a kiss you left me,
Yes I'm sure it was a kiss,
from your own sweet lips.
And then the words came...


"I'm taking chances.
With sidelong glances.
At this delicate thing,
A soap-bubble dream.
Can't catch its eye,
For it's too shy.
So I leave it alone,
and hope it'll grow.
Hope it'll stay,
and won't run away.
I grab for its hand,
But it slips like sand.
And my happiness gleams.
A soap-bubble dream."

Tiny bubbles now make me smile.
They fill my soul and my eyes alight.
I hear the song and I know
that we are now where we belong.

It is so strange to wake up and be happy just to be.
It is so unusual to smile out loud over a thought's of nothing.
It is so hard to act as though nothing new is lighting up my life.
So hard to pretend that I'm not madly falling for you.

It is so crazy to believe that some one might just be right for me.
That I may be able to enjoy a boundless happiness.
To think only of you. Enough to feel you here.
To want to make you smile at every sentence I write.
To want to steal the world and wrap it around us.

If you asked for it I would do my best to get it.
If you demanded my action,
I would do my best to perform and I wouldn't forget a line.
I would die at a word or live for eternity for you and
I would still wear a smile in my eyes.

I could live to see you happy.
To see you safe from harm.
And I would be happy too,
If I had you here in my arms.

It feels so strange to feel so elated!
To be in such agonizing ecstasy.
I feel so happy.
But I’d be happier to hold you in my arms.

Today I went and saw my specialist at UCD, Dr. Gillot. And it was a pretty good visit.
First and foremost....Drum roll please....
I LOST TEN POUNDS!!!!!!
This is amazing news! It's only been 1 month. I am so excited right now! And so was he. lol We did this really funny jump hug in his office. Him, his nurse and I. But it really is terrific!
Of course though with me good news is always followed with something bad.
Looks like the pre-cancer cells are spreading. He took swabs and is sending them off. But he scheduled me for a colposcopy next month. (Not looking forward to that at all.)
But we shall see what happens. It was kinda funny though too because as I was laying down he was telling me that more than likely my body had fought off the infection and he wouldn't find anything. And I was saying that would be nice but with my body it won't have happened. Then he said...Well huh...more like with your body it will spread. lol
BUT! I am not going to worry about it. AT ALL.
There is nothing I can do and even if it's the worst possible thing, that just means I have cervical Cancer. But it also means I will have caught it in time and I won't need Chemo or radiation or anything like that. More than likely I will have what's called Cryosurgery done.
(More info on that is here http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Therapy/cryosurgery)
So until then I am not worrying about it!
lol I am so happy about the weight loss that I don't care about anything else!
As Nikki would say...MINI TRIBAL!

Imagine This:
I blink and I'm counting the minutes until the plane leaves.
The air is thicker than my mind with expectations.
My suit case is nearly empty but my heart is full of emotion
ready to spill all over the floor.
I want to know what I should be taking away from this!
I want to know if I can make your heart beat from a few
states away.
I want to be a cataclysm so I'll stick in your memory.

Imagine This:
It's 4 months till the day and December never was my
favorite month. I can't feel my toes.
My head is heavy. Too heavy to lift.
I blink too much and my eyes get blurry.
My thoughts are frozen to the touch but I feel if I could manage to
thaw out I could re-arrange everything to make sense, and maybe
you could understand what you mean to me.
But right now I've got you frozen to where you stand and I feel
like I'm destroying a good thing from 2000 miles away.

Imagine This:
The kitchen faucet is dripping and it's raining out an ocean of misery.
Your bedroom door is shut to keep everyone out,
but it doesn't mean you're not seeing me.
And where I stand I am counting the books on my shelf,
trying to figure out which story I'd like best to get lost into.
And I'm sinking my thoughts into pages of something that sounds
a little sweeter since I am so sick of worrying whether or not
all of this will turn out all right.
Tonight I just wanna be outside your door begging you to write
a different story with me.

Imagine This:
I'll be your train wreck if you think you could remember me.
Imagine This:
I'll be your sunshine that'll melt all this away if you think you could keep me.
Imagine This:
I'll be your happy ending if you want me to be.

"The littlest things that take me there.
I know it sounds lame but it's so true.
I know it's not right but it seems unfair,
That thing's are reminding me of you.
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend,
Even if only for one weekend.
So come on
Tell me,
Is this the end?" -Lilly Allen


I feel like I have been griping too much lately. And I hate that. I don't want to look back and think I was miserable all the time, and since I tend to cherish the little bitty things I am going to make a list of everything that I enjoyed so far this morning!

• Being up earlier enough to see the sky go from dark black, to slightly purple, to deep orange and then to that pretty cream color.
• Taicie keeping my bed warm for me when I get up to do stuff early in the morning.
• Hot Coffee, ready before I wake up!
• The smell of dew in the morning.
• The fact that I am not walking to school! (or back in grade school!)
• Having the perfect song come on randomly as I am trying to wake up. There isn't much that compares to dancing while the sun rises.
• TCM playing great old movies early in the morning.
• Having funny emails to read when I wake up.
• Hot showers.
• My house being clean when I wake up, cause I made sure it was clean when I went to sleep!
• Standing in the freezing cold, bare foot, while drinking hot coffee.
• Getting to hear the voice of my favorite person when I wake up.
• Nikki telling me something funny that she is irritated about.
• Being up way before Caden so that I can get many things done, as well as enjoy some quiet time without hearing "Hey Mommy...." 50 times and hour.
• Watching my prayer plant slowly unfold as the sun hits it.
• Standing in front of the living room window with my eyes closed while the sun hits me. (That's just a great feeling period!)

All the little things!

I went to bed kinda early last night. But I woke up a few hours later. So I came out to the living room and watched 1st Season Heroes reruns.
Eventually though we started talking. Which we never really do. He has been...nice...the last few days since he got home. And it's kinda freakin me out.
So I told him how I felt. That I didn't want to do this anymore. And that I didn't want to be sitting her in a month or another year knowing that I had wasted more of my life on someone who doesn't care enough to change. And of course he does what he always does and lists a bunch of spiritual reason why we need to make it work. Which really only pissed me off more because he always does that when he knows he is wrong, Cause there really isn't anything I can say against it, and it's very hypocritical coming from him. So I told him the only thing I could say. That those are really pretty words that he has been using for years, but that he never does a thing to back it up.
Then he wanted to bring last year into the discussion. (Wrong move!)
He said that last year he was the only one who wanted to work things out. lol So I looked at him and said "Really....you want to go there? Think about it and tell me if that's REALLY the comment you wanted to say." And when he said yes I pulled no punches.
I mean really! How can you say that you are the only one wanting to work things out when you are out at clubs every night. When your cousins are helping you find strange woman to dance with. When you are living like you are single and you're not. When you told me that I needed to go and cheat, and with a woman, so that you would be free to file for divorce but also so that you can watch the free show. (How much sense does that make!?) I didn't want to make things work last year. I was done. But at least I can admit it.
He says he needs someone to help him get over his problems. I reminded him everything that I had done. And how nothing worked! He said that he needed to be able to talk to me more about some of his problems. But I reminded him that's on him. I had done everything to be there to listen, and he wouldn't talk or repeatedly lied. I'm done.
DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE.
And I told him.
He asked me if I wanted to move out and move back home. And I told him that I had been considering it for a while now. And then he made one very bad mistake. He told me I couldn't take Caden. Wrong move # 2. We agreed we would keep Caden out of this. We agreed we would always share custody no matter what. Not to mention that I took care of him for almost 3 months on my own without him, and still thought of him. Caden called him every night. Even when he was out partying or too drunk to read him a story. And I never once took custody away from him. And I sent his parents pictures and videos of Caden every chance I could.
lol I told him that since he is the one with the unproven track record he is the one who would not take Caden.
Which in the first place...is the stupidest part of the conversation! I have not decided where I will go...and even if I had it's still gonna take time to do.
I'm just so irritated. It was the stupidest argument. And I feel like he wasn't listening at all...which I am used to him not listening by now. But I told him that I am at the point where I don't want to be around him.
So of course today he keeps hugging me. That just makes it worse.