I don't get it.

(Picture taken by Caden when I thought he was sleeping.)

My cousin killed herself. Shot herself.
She was 29 and had two kids.
I just can't get over this.

Shot herself. Picked up a gun and shot herself. And left her two kids. On a Sunday. These pieces don't fit together to me.

I have been there. On that brink. So sad, so desperate, just wanting to forget it all. I swallowed a bottle of Tylenol when I was 11. I slit my wrists when I was 15. But the weird thing was that I didn't want to die. I just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up.
When Caden was born I hated everything. I thought constantly about just fading away. But then I thought about Caden being alone and in pain because of my selfishness, and I couldn't do that to him. And that one thought...kept me going all of those horrible years.

I never once would have thought that she was capable of this. And now I think about her two kids and what a nightmare she left behind for them. And I think....How much worse were things for her?
I think of her parents, my uncle JR and aunt Fairysue and I can't imagine those two happy, loving people being so devastated by a loss of this magnitude. How unstable the world must seem to them right now.
SHOT HERSELF!! She fucking shot herself!
HOW!?
I keep trying to say that over and over and it won't sink in.
Two little kids. Loving parents. Two big sisters. And she shot herself.

I remember singing with her. Our family's all live on the same property together off Table Rock Lake. We used to have family reunions there and cat fish fry's. And her and I would sing karaoke. I think my grandpa bought that machine just for us. We were already talking about doing a duet at the next reunion...even though it's a year away.

She shot herself.
She just shot herself.


And the only thing I think about is that if I get a phone call one day from Bo saying that Nikki is gone... Oh God I don't know what I'll do.