Thursday, April 29, 2010

OMG! How is this possible?!

Ever had one of those days where some has wedged themselves so far up your butt  that if they laughed your eyeball might pop out?
Welcome to my day!!!
My Lovely, amazing, brilliant, handsome,
(Trying to say as many nice things as possible to help keep me from flipping out...!)
Has decided that he needs to fill every moment with talking.
I want to scream and rip my hair out.
Why Mommy?
Why did you do that?
Why did you say that?
Why are you sitting there?
Why is it raining?
Why is it sunny?
Why is the dog doing that?
Why am I watching Dora?
Did you see what Dora did?
Oh I said goopy geyser instead of Gooey geyser.
Mommy did you see that?
Did you see what Dora did?
You need to change the show cause I don't like his name.
I need to play my game.
You need to wash my blanky.
Why does that car sound like that?
I'm hungry.
No I don't want to eat that now.
Swing swing swing!
Hey watch me do a cartwheel!
I need that toy!
Mommy you have to yell map!
Mommy you're missing the end of the Barney song!
I think I need to poo.
Mommy why do I need to wash my hands?
Can you get me some juice?
I spilled my juice.
Oh look I'm being a silly tree.

 Ok I literally just sat here for the last 4 minutes and wrote down everything he said. And I know I missed a few!! This is how it's been all wait...this whole week! And I have not been able to leave the house once!!!
I honestly could explode at any moment.
I might invest in some duct tape soon cause this kid is gonna mek me crazy. Just wait till daddy gets home...Cause I am gonna lock myself in the tub and not come out till after the Monster's bed time

So I need to know.... How the FRICK do you mom's handle this?!? Especially those of you who have more than one!?

Dear Momma,

Dear Momma,
How are you?.... Oh that's right, no answer. Because we don't talk. how long has it been now...? Almost a year.
Almost one year since I called you, scared to death and bawlin my eyes out. Fresh from being told by my doctor that I had the beginings of Cervical Cancer. And what was your response? Oh yes... "That you only catch that from a cheating husband."
I really wish I record our conversations so that I could play them back to you and you could hear how stupid you sound.
I don't have family. No comforting mom to call when I'm upset. No dad to hug. No brothers and sister to joke around with. And that's not ok. I am not ok.
It makes me broken. It makes me half of what I should be. This huge gaping hole is missing from me and from my life, and from Caden's life. Why momma? Why do you hate me so much? I'm sorry I was born and ruined your horse career. I'm sorry I wanted dolls and dresses to horses and dirt. But you always told everyone that I was your best friend. How I raised the kids for you while you worked. How I helped support you when Kurt wouldn't work. I was your best friend...Until I broke. Until at 16 I couldn't take anymore.
What was it you said... Oh yes, Whatever Keeps Him Off My Ass. Which is why you didn't question when he would stay up so late, or why I locked my bedroom door, or why I would sleep outside in the horse trailer, or why he would lock the door on me so I couldn't get back in the house to get dressed for work. Because as long as he left you alone you didnt care right?
But I forgot. None of that is your fault. It's really foolish of me to assume you noticed any of that stuff.
I'm gonna be 25 soon momma. Do you think of me on my birthday? I think about you and Dad and your parents all in that room waiting on me. And I think about how scared you probly were being only 21 and having a baby you didn't really want. I wonder if you loved me at all the first time you saw me.
I'll have been married 7 years this June. Don't worry...I stopped expecting to see a card in the mail or even a text. Even after you married your 3rd husband and I brought you anniversary presents.
Because we don't see eye to eye. We disagree. And what is it exactly that we argue about again? Is it because of that meth lab I had in the kitchen that burnt the house down and almost killed the kids too? Is it cause I screwed the whole high school football team? Or maybe it's cause I took out 12 credit cards in your name and filled them up clothes shopping...
Oh wait...silly me....none of those things happened. I forgot...we don't talk because I chose to run my life my own way. Against the laws of our country? Not at all. Against the standards in the Bible? Nope! Against the norm of this generation? Not in the least. Just against what you want.
I choose to live in California. Strike one.
I choose to try for my marriage. Strike two.
I am succeeding in my life. Strike three.

You are such a bitch.
And yet I am not ok without you. Part of me is missing.
I could call. It's true. Break the silence, again. But what would it accomplish? You would remain cold and impassive on the other line, I would keep calling back every day trying to find something to say to move your heart towards me. Finally when I was ready to give up I would get a backhanded compliment that I could never cypher out. Eventually you'll bring up pieces of the past to choke me with, and then we will stop speaking for a few more years...again. And then I'll be worse off than I am now. Emptier.
Oh and you'll be very unsurprised to know that I am raising Caden pretty opposite of how you did it. Yay disappointed you again. He will never doubt that I love him. He will know to love himself. And he will know that I will sacrifice myself to save him from anything.
Why can't you just be my mom and love me? It's what I need most. It's the only thing I have ever really wanted. I need my family.

Tell the kids I love em. And tell Bill I say hi.
I love you Momma.

P.S. This is Why I Cry.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


I would like to highlight a project that I was so proud to be a part of. The Big Pink Ribbon. The photgrapher, Asa Mathat presented this to the UN in New York recently. Asa's vision is mind blowing! This is going to go a long way in raising awareness for breast cancer!
 If anyone would like to submit their stories to the photographer, who I am lucky enough to call my friend, please let me know. Or you can go to the website
If you would like to see more pictures also check ou the PROJECTS tab and scroll down to the bottom.
Or you can check out my blog post on the day of the shoot as well as view a prego pic Asa took for me.

Warning..there is a very slight bit of nudity.

This is my Butt Print!

My sisters! I am the one standing in the middle back in the light purple robe.

Please please do all that you can to help me support Asa and the Big Pink Ribbon. You can even find him on FaceBook! Asa Mathat

Lazy days

Is it the weekend yet? Feels like it  should be. I have not been myself the last 2 days. I had a filling come out of a tooth and so that's been hurting, My ovaries have not been playing nicely so they have kept me in and out of bed and on pain meds. And now I kinda feel like I might have the flu. But it is raining outside and that does make up for many things.
So I recently joined this new group called Mom Bloggers Club. And I have been meeting a lot of very interesting and motivational woman! Some of you have even been kind enough to follow my blog! Please please post hellos. I do try to check out everyone who follows me, however I only follow back blogs that are interesting to me.
Joining a mom blog group was weird for me. I know I know, I am not the only one who had an Oops Baby at a young age...but I just hate being labeled as a mom all the time. And I don't usually feel like I'm a very great mom to start with....But on MBC  I'm finding other mom's who feel the same way and who are showing that even though they love their kids they are way more than just someone's mom.

Time now for my mommy bragging moment!
He is a pretty cute little monster. This was Sunday on our way to meeting.
I have some thoughts rattling around in my head for some poetry...we shall see if my headache leaves me long enough so I can puzzle them out and get them on here.
Hope you all have great days and don't forget to post your blogs!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Think Happy Thoughts.

To copy the tradition of a new blog I am following
I am going to post some things I am thankful for:

1. Seth for going out to pick up pizza instead of making me cook dinner when 5 o'clock rolled around and caught me unprepared.

2. Bedtime for Caden coming at 9!
(He has been a handful recently.)

3. Nikki for introducing me to

4. People who write Fictional/ Young Adult/ Fantasy/ Trilogies.
OMG! I love the Looking Glass Wars, The Green Rider Series, The Inheritance Cycle, The LiveShip Trader series and anything by Tamora Pierce.

5. The Weather.
It has been perfect today and I am hoping it will remain so for my hike in Muir Woods tomorrow.

I have to admit....trying to come up with at least 5 things I am thankful for wasn't easy but I am feeling a bit more positive now.

I Hurt You.

I hurt you.
And still, I had assumed if it ever happened it would make me feel better.
But it didn't.
Not even a little.
It broke me to see the pain on your face.
And knowing I could never take that back.
Like a slap in the face,
What had I become?
To be so cruel, so thoughtless....
To become exactly what I had tried so hard not to be.
Can I hold you now?
Bandage the wounds I inflicted.
How do I help you heal?
I don't even know how I healed myself.
Not an excuse to give up.
All I wanted was for you to love me more,
and show me everyday!
How could we let that slip away?
Again and again and again.
Words wielded like knives, carting away little bits of flesh.
I can see now that love is a garden,
and if you let it go...
then it'll fade away before you know.
Love is a garden.
And ours is starvin.
But still there is hope.

I count.

I desire to dream my own dream.
I feel like I am trying to piece my soul back together.
I wish I could blame someone else for tearing it into a dozen pieces,
But it's my own doing.
Instead I close my eyes, trying to find a way to extoll a lesson to you.
I'm culturally inclined to subdue my own soul.
Hold that thought...
I'm remiss in my musings.
Back to step one.
Starting back at the begining again.
Now what do I do?
Oh yes... I wait and I count.
I count the empty spaces between us.
I count the lies that float in the air like clouds ready to pour rain.
I lose track of how many breaths I take.
in between pauses of all I want to say,
and all that I can't.
I count the moments we sit and stare hoping the other will break
and say whatever it is that will crush this dying dream.
I count the ways my soul bashes itself against the glass door, trying to be free.
Free myself into the cool air and float up like a bubble in sunlight.
So ready to pop.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Still grieving.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the Death of my Best Friend Shirley.
She passed away from a combination of Breast Cancer and Diabetes.
Tuesday I went to the cemetary where we scattered her ashes. Her family has still not been able to pay for any sort of marker, even though Shirley reserved a spot for one right above her husband's marker.
So I took one of the cards I had made for her memorial service and placed it below her husband's placard and took pictures to send to her daughter in Germany.

Shirley Kay Lindgren
Born: July 24, 1945
Passed: April 21, 2009

On the ledge of the wall you can see a little Squirrel who I made friends with. He would take berries and crackers that I left on the wall. So mischevious..Shirley would have loved him!

Even though it rained most of the morning I had beautiful weather.

There is a tree that grows right above her husbands placard, aso I took some twine and wrapped her picture right above it, and placed her lilly in it. The man at the cemetary said they would be respectful and leave it up for me and anyone else who came to pay their respects.

One whole year has gone by.
Seems impossible.
How has life continued without her?
I still miss her today as much as I did when I was sitting in her room waiting for the funeral home to come and collect her.
I was planning on holding a dinner in honor of her this weekend. I was going to cook all of my friends all of Shirley's favorite foods. But I cancelled it.
I can't handle seeing anyone.
I don't even want to talk to anyone.
I don't want to eat and I can't sleep.
It feels as though I lost her all over again.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Redd Hot Reader!

Today I had one of the BEST DAYS!!! I got to meet one of my favorite authors. SeriouslyIf you have not checked out Frank Beddor and The Looking Glass Wars you are missing out. Just the website in itself is a treat!
About Frank Beddor: Frank is a highly respected and very successful film producer in L.A. ("There's Something About Mary", "Wicked", in addition to his recent involvement with the just announced Hasbro, Ridley Scott/Universal Pictures project based on the game of Monopoly) as well as being a NYTimes best selling children and young adult author. Frank has just released two books, "ArchEnemy" the third in his award-winning Looking Glass Wars trilogy (the first two installments spent 31 weeks on the NYTimes bestseller list--and are being made into a film with producing partner Charles Roven of The Dark Knight) Also just released, the second very successful young adult graphic novel entitled, "Hatter M Mad With Wonder!"

We went to a show called View From The Bay in SanFrancisco and got to be part of the live studio Audience. Watch it here! (I couldn't get the video to embed...SORRY!) But watch it please!!! They mention how a fan brought their books...ME!!! And they even say that I am sitting front and center before the camera pans on to me! lol
Frank was so energetic and entertaining to watch! I just want to crawl inside his head for awhile. He talks about Hatter Madigan and Queen Alyss like they are his best friends. He also talked about some other projects of his...I even got a blip of something about Wicked!!!! BE STILL MY HEART!
He signed my two books for me:
"Long live Alyss!"
and My favorite
"Redd Hot Reader!"
Then gave everyone in the audience a copy of the 2nd graphic novel.
As well as a deck of WonderLand playing cards.
If you want to know just how intense this man's imagination is....then check these cards out!
This was an experience I will treasure always. And I can't wait till the next time I get to meet Frank!

The View From The Bay group was awesome!
Janelle Wang, Nick Smith, Lisa Quinn and Michael Finney had us laughing the whole show! Their producers, camera crew, and everyone else who works on the show made us feel so comfortable and relaxed, we couldn't help but have a good time.
I plan on keeping an eye out from now on, as to whom their future guests will be... I plan on going back VERY soon!

Seriously check out Frank Beddor on Facebook, go and get the books AS FAST AS POSSIBLE or you will be left behind.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Empty hands.

Day and night swirl together.
No longer living for myself.
I hate feeling so helpless.
Walking in fog.
Can't seem to wake up anymore.
You seem so much farther away.
I wish you knew how much I miss you.
How much I crave the sound of your voice.
All day long I feel this need.
I have lived with it for so long I sometimes forget it's your absence
that makes me feel so hollow.
All the plans we had.
All the big ideas left undone.
How do I tell you that I need you here
when you are that far gone?

My hands are empty without yours in them.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

He love me. Or does he love me not?

You and those eyes that light up when I walk into the room.
Those strong arms that I want wrapped around me always.
You always know what to say to make me fall deeper in love with you.
Which is why this is all the more confusing.
You only speak to me when you need my imagination.
You tell me that you love me.
I don't know what to believe.
I tell myself you've been hurt before,
that you're just scared to open up.
But we both know that's a horrible reason to keep stringing me along.
Maybe you don't know you do it.
Cause when we talk... I know you're happy to hear my voice.
But we don't talk, unless I make the first move.
I want to talk to you all the time!
But despite what you say... I always feel like I'm in the way.
I really wish you would just tell me.
Be honest with me about how you feel
and what you really want.
Cause sugar...this hurts.


Everything is so different now.
All of a sudden what was and what is has come into focus.
And the contrast is blinding.
I can't handle the claustophobia.
When did the cage door close?
How did I come to be on the inside looking out?
This is not what I wanted for my life!!!
 My independence is slipping from my grasp.
What a strange thing,
to one day wake up
and realize you have no control of your own life.

The last few days I have been really feeling caged in. I need out of this house!!! And not just on the weekends. But I also hate having to always go with someone. Two years ago this was not my life!!! I could get into my car and go where I wanted to when I wanted to. If I couldn't sleep at night I would throw on my shoes and go out for a run. Now my car has been broken for a year and I don't even have a safe enough neighborhood to go running in during the day. 
I'm going nucking futs... and fast!!!
So...I don't care what I have to sell or go without...I am getting my car fixed. Done. Then I am going to drive to river and run...whenever I want. that too much to ask for? Anyonne who disagrees can try being in my place.
1. I clean house.
2. I take car of Caden.
3. I cook dinner.
Day in and day out...that's all I do!!!! On the weekends I go grocery shopping, and usually people com over.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
It makes me want to scream and brake stuff!!!!
This isn't me
...but somehow I let it happen.

You got me.

I'm fallin for you.
Do you see that yet?
Close your eyes tighter.
It won't change the fact.
You're in my thoughts,
and warming up my heart.
I don't ever want to let you go.
I did try to pretend it wasn't so bad
But I felt my heart skip a beat.
You got me.
Your crooked smile knocks me off my feet.
You got me.
But you run from me.
I know.
You fell for me too.
Broke your own rules and spoke deeply first.
One day,
maybe baby,
You'll see.
You'll see that it's just me, and I'm trustworthy.
Remember all the things you want, and how I want them too.
You and me against the world cowboy.

Monday, April 12, 2010

I need you now.

Give me your attention.
I need you now.
Too much distance
to measure it outloud.
Chasing patterns
accross a personal map,
willing myself to find,
the quickest way to you.
We're not at the end
but we've already won.
I'm not used to it.
But I can learn.
There's nothin to it but a secret smile.
Now I've got a feeling,
If I sang this loud enough
you would sing it back to me,.
Think of me from so far away.
I'll beg you sweetly on my knees.
I'll follow you to the begining,
and we'll just relive the start.
All of our favorite parts.
And I would tell you
that I would never trade you in.
Cause I have only wanted this,
And it's not a dream anymore.
It's not a dream anymore.
You love me,
and I'm not dreaming anymore.

Who knew?

Who knew?
Second chances happen.
Who knew?
It could be you.
Who knew?
My heart could race so fast.
Who knew?
It would be your smile.
Who knew?
Once again I'd be pining for you from far away.
Who knew?
All of a sudden I'm fifteen and I'm wishing you'll hold my hand and kiss me under the stars.

Who could have even guessed life would make such a circle?
My hands shake.
My heart races.
My cheeks flush.
My head doesn't know if it should run to or away from you.
Who knew?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Nag Nag Nag

I have been trying to make changes recently. Trying to at least see behind What's not working. But I have come to a spot where I am stumped.
I have always prided myself on not being a nagging wife. If Seth asks, or the situation warrants it, I will tell him how I feel, and then what he chooses to do about it is his own decision.  I don't feel the need to remind him over and over again what I already said.
But Seth wants to be reminded over and over. I have different ideas why that is. But even when I am told to remind... I still feel like I'm nagging.
If Seth is watching tv and I ask him to put his dirty clothes in the laundry and he says he'll do it in a minute, and then twenty minutes later when it's not done and I do it myself, he gets irritated that I didn't remind him.
But if it's something I need done right then and I remind him to please please do it...he gets irritated.

This is one of those daily frustrations that I hate dealing with. I'm not a nagging/remindering kind of person. It makes me crazy.

So, In a very Carrie Bradshaw-esque voice,

When are you crossing the line between reminding and nagging?

Friday, April 9, 2010

The Honest Scrap Award.

I have been pleasantly surprised by an award!!!
The Honest Scrap Award.
Honest Scrap Award is “for bloggers who put their heart on display as they write from the depths of their soul.” You write 10 Honest things about yourself that is not common knowledge and then you pass it on to  6 fellow bloggers that you follow that touch your heart by the honesty and sincerity they give with each post.

First things first... Nikki You are an amazing friend who deserves this award a billion times over. Thank you for the honor.
Now 10 things, HONEST things, that you probly don't know about me. SCARY!!!

1. My first kiss ever was a girl.
2. I'm a firm believer that everyone I care about will, a) Never love me as much as I love them. b) Will let me down in some way. c) Will leave me.
3. I hate cheesy romantic poetry that rhymes. And people who use it! Find a new way, your own way, to tell me how you feel. Or don't tell me at all.
4. I'm a pack rat. But a very organized one.
5. Me + Pajammas + breakfast and coffee at Denny's + the morning newspaper = A VERY GREAT MORNING!!! Sounds white trash but it does make me very relaxed. (Note-Pajammas could be traded for jeans and a hoodie.)
6. I still collect Barbies and Dolls. ESPECIALLY ones that I wanted as a kid but was not able to have.
7. Sometimes I think that every problem Seth and I have ever had is really just all my fault and maybe we could be happier if I wasn't such a horrible person.
8. I'm obsessed with restoring old furniture, bargain hunting, and home makeovers!
9. I never feel like I fit in anywhere, and I blame my mom for that.
10. I feel completely lost without my mom, sister and brothers in my life.

There ya go. All honest things you may or may not have wanted to know... But you want to know the real honest part about them??
In 3 or 4 nights I'll be brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed and I'll come up with some that are better.
Now my favorite part!!!!
Giving this award to others!!!

1) To Kristina my beautiful cousin and dear friend. She is a fabulous artist and always speaks the words that are hard to say aloud.
2) To Allie. You are an adorable little 17 year old, and I always feel so at home in your thoughts. Thank you!
3) To Linda.  I love reading about what lessons you have learned. Each post is an inspiration!
4) To Jill. You are truly an honest writer. You put your life and travels out there to inspire everyone. Thank you! I now want to go and visit India.
5) To Bryon. One of the last few good men! Come back from your haitus soon!
6)  To Inge. I love your sense of humor! And I always look forward to the stories about your grandmother.

Well it was very hard for me to pick just 6 of you to recieve this award. I can't wait to see your ten honest scraps about yourself as well as whom you choose to honor!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

See Me.

Stop and look at me for a moment.

Really see me, please.
No more stating the obvious for you.
Yes I realize you love my eyes and I have big boobs,
But why can't you see how much more there is to me?
Can you see the my smudged eyeliner from where silent tears have pooled beneath my lashes?
Or maybe the lines in my cheeks from a forced smile?
What about the hesitant tone in my voice when I'm trying to answer a question I didn't want to hear?
When I look at you I don't see a strong jaw line and hair that falls just perfectly.
My gaze sinks deeper.
I want the man who helps me with dinner when he has worked all day, the man who trusts me to help him think when he is puzzled.
And when I pull you into me it's so that I can make love to the man who loves only me.
Not some image in my head I wished you were.
See me. See me. See me.

Enough with the Body Hatred.

Going along with my blog early today I decided to share an article and video that I randomely happened upon. I think we could all benefit from this 3 minutes. I know I plan on sending it on to all of my friends.
Enough with the body hatred!

How am I feeling?

I am trying to figure out how I'm feeling.
I'm just not sure.
I had a conversation with Seth last night and I feel like I am feeling something about it that I can't figure out.
Maybe shock.
Although, I guess it's really my own fault.
Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer too.
Me- "Does it irritate you that I don't look how I did when we first got married?"
Him- Sheepish look, head down.
"It did."
Me- "When did it stop?"
Him- "When I told you that I realised I hadn't been viewing you the way I should have been."
Me- Shock. So just a few weeks ago... All these years...
Him - "Does that make you mad?"
Me- Deep breaths "No. It's kind of a relief to have you finally tell me the truth about it."
Him- "I knew that it wasn't your fault. It's not like you were sitting on your butt all day eating."
Me- Still in shock.

I knew. I'm not in denial about how I look.
Why did I ask?
Because even though I knew, I wanted to hear him say the opposite. I wanted to hear him say it so convincingly that I would just believe him instantly.
Impossible- yes.
Unfair- maybe.

Now I'm sitting here, trying to puzzle out how to feel. But knowing I don't really want to know.

Monday, April 5, 2010


The human heart is a scary part in fact

'Cause I could break you and you could break me back

Though my head says just forget it

You'll get hurt and you'll regret it

Ask me now and I won't hesitate

So many cards that never leave the deck

There comes a time when you have to place your bets

And I've never been a gambling man

But if you want to see my hand

Ask me now and I won't hesitate

'Cause I'm fearful of heights and you take me higher

What came with you was a view to admire

I've always been the kind to contemplate

But you like the kind that don't hesitate

Excuse me while I fall for you

Excuse me while I fall for you

I thought about it long and hard today

I realized I'm standing in our way

Usually my judgement's better

But with your blue eyes, hey whatever

Ask me now and I won't hesitate

Ask me now and I won't hesitate

Excuse me while I fall for you

Excuse me while I fall for you