Can you get me some juice?
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Can you get me some juice?
How are you?.... Oh that's right, no answer. Because we don't talk. how long has it been now...? Almost a year.
Almost one year since I called you, scared to death and bawlin my eyes out. Fresh from being told by my doctor that I had the beginings of Cervical Cancer. And what was your response? Oh yes... "That you only catch that from a cheating husband."
I really wish I record our conversations so that I could play them back to you and you could hear how stupid you sound.
I don't have family. No comforting mom to call when I'm upset. No dad to hug. No brothers and sister to joke around with. And that's not ok. I am not ok.
It makes me broken. It makes me half of what I should be. This huge gaping hole is missing from me and from my life, and from Caden's life. Why momma? Why do you hate me so much? I'm sorry I was born and ruined your horse career. I'm sorry I wanted dolls and dresses to horses and dirt. But you always told everyone that I was your best friend. How I raised the kids for you while you worked. How I helped support you when Kurt wouldn't work. I was your best friend...Until I broke. Until at 16 I couldn't take anymore.
What was it you said... Oh yes, Whatever Keeps Him Off My Ass. Which is why you didn't question when he would stay up so late, or why I locked my bedroom door, or why I would sleep outside in the horse trailer, or why he would lock the door on me so I couldn't get back in the house to get dressed for work. Because as long as he left you alone you didnt care right?
But I forgot. None of that is your fault. It's really foolish of me to assume you noticed any of that stuff.
I'm gonna be 25 soon momma. Do you think of me on my birthday? I think about you and Dad and your parents all in that room waiting on me. And I think about how scared you probly were being only 21 and having a baby you didn't really want. I wonder if you loved me at all the first time you saw me.
I'll have been married 7 years this June. Don't worry...I stopped expecting to see a card in the mail or even a text. Even after you married your 3rd husband and I brought you anniversary presents.
Because we don't see eye to eye. We disagree. And what is it exactly that we argue about again? Is it because of that meth lab I had in the kitchen that burnt the house down and almost killed the kids too? Is it cause I screwed the whole high school football team? Or maybe it's cause I took out 12 credit cards in your name and filled them up clothes shopping...
Oh wait...silly me....none of those things happened. I forgot...we don't talk because I chose to run my life my own way. Against the laws of our country? Not at all. Against the standards in the Bible? Nope! Against the norm of this generation? Not in the least. Just against what you want.
I choose to live in California. Strike one.
I choose to try for my marriage. Strike two.
I am succeeding in my life. Strike three.
You are such a bitch.
And yet I am not ok without you. Part of me is missing.
I could call. It's true. Break the silence, again. But what would it accomplish? You would remain cold and impassive on the other line, I would keep calling back every day trying to find something to say to move your heart towards me. Finally when I was ready to give up I would get a backhanded compliment that I could never cypher out. Eventually you'll bring up pieces of the past to choke me with, and then we will stop speaking for a few more years...again. And then I'll be worse off than I am now. Emptier.
Oh and you'll be very unsurprised to know that I am raising Caden pretty opposite of how you did it. Yay disappointed you again. He will never doubt that I love him. He will know to love himself. And he will know that I will sacrifice myself to save him from anything.
Why can't you just be my mom and love me? It's what I need most. It's the only thing I have ever really wanted. I need my family.
Tell the kids I love em. And tell Bill I say hi.
I love you Momma.
P.S. This is Why I Cry.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Warning..there is a very slight bit of nudity.
Please please do all that you can to help me support Asa and the Big Pink Ribbon. You can even find him on FaceBook! Asa Mathat
Is it the weekend yet? Feels like it should be. I have not been myself the last 2 days. I had a filling come out of a tooth and so that's been hurting, My ovaries have not been playing nicely so they have kept me in and out of bed and on pain meds. And now I kinda feel like I might have the flu. But it is raining outside and that does make up for many things.
So I recently joined this new group called Mom Bloggers Club. And I have been meeting a lot of very interesting and motivational woman! Some of you have even been kind enough to follow my blog! Please please post hellos. I do try to check out everyone who follows me, however I only follow back blogs that are interesting to me.
Joining a mom blog group was weird for me. I know I know, I am not the only one who had an Oops Baby at a young age...but I just hate being labeled as a mom all the time. And I don't usually feel like I'm a very great mom to start with....But on MBC I'm finding other mom's who feel the same way and who are showing that even though they love their kids they are way more than just someone's mom.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Today I had one of the BEST DAYS!!! I got to meet one of my favorite authors. SeriouslyIf you have not checked out Frank Beddor and The Looking Glass Wars you are missing out. Just the website in itself is a treat!
About Frank Beddor: Frank is a highly respected and very successful film producer in L.A. ("There's Something About Mary", "Wicked", in addition to his recent involvement with the just announced Hasbro, Ridley Scott/Universal Pictures project based on the game of Monopoly) as well as being a NYTimes best selling children and young adult author. Frank has just released two books, "ArchEnemy" the third in his award-winning Looking Glass Wars trilogy (the first two installments spent 31 weeks on the NYTimes bestseller list--and are being made into a film with producing partner Charles Roven of The Dark Knight) Also just released, the second very successful young adult graphic novel entitled, "Hatter M Mad With Wonder!"
The View From The Bay group was awesome!
Janelle Wang, Nick Smith, Lisa Quinn and Michael Finney had us laughing the whole show! Their producers, camera crew, and everyone else who works on the show made us feel so comfortable and relaxed, we couldn't help but have a good time.
I plan on keeping an eye out from now on, as to whom their future guests will be... I plan on going back VERY soon!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
You and those eyes that light up when I walk into the room.
Those strong arms that I want wrapped around me always.
You always know what to say to make me fall deeper in love with you.
Which is why this is all the more confusing.
You only speak to me when you need my imagination.
You tell me that you love me.
I don't know what to believe.
I tell myself you've been hurt before,
that you're just scared to open up.
But we both know that's a horrible reason to keep stringing me along.
Maybe you don't know you do it.
Cause when we talk... I know you're happy to hear my voice.
But we don't talk, unless I make the first move.
I want to talk to you all the time!
But despite what you say... I always feel like I'm in the way.
I really wish you would just tell me.
Be honest with me about how you feel
and what you really want.
Cause sugar...this hurts.
The last few days I have been really feeling caged in. I need out of this house!!! And not just on the weekends. But I also hate having to always go with someone. Two years ago this was not my life!!! I could get into my car and go where I wanted to when I wanted to. If I couldn't sleep at night I would throw on my shoes and go out for a run. Now my car has been broken for a year and I don't even have a safe enough neighborhood to go running in during the day.
I'm going nucking futs... and fast!!!
So...I don't care what I have to sell or go without...I am getting my car fixed. Done. Then I am going to drive to river and run...whenever I want.
Seriously...is that too much to ask for? Anyonne who disagrees can try being in my place.
1. I clean house.
2. I take car of Caden.
3. I cook dinner.
Day in and day out...that's all I do!!!! On the weekends I go grocery shopping, and usually people com over.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
It makes me want to scream and brake stuff!!!!
This isn't me
...but somehow I let it happen.
Do you see that yet?
Close your eyes tighter.
It won't change the fact.
You're in my thoughts,
and warming up my heart.
I don't ever want to let you go.
I did try to pretend it wasn't so bad
But I felt my heart skip a beat.
You got me.
Your crooked smile knocks me off my feet.
You got me.
But you run from me.
You fell for me too.
Broke your own rules and spoke deeply first.
You'll see that it's just me, and I'm trustworthy.
Remember all the things you want, and how I want them too.
You and me against the world cowboy.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
But if it's something I need done right then and I remind him to please please do it...he gets irritated.
This is one of those daily frustrations that I hate dealing with. I'm not a nagging/remindering kind of person. It makes me crazy.
So, In a very Carrie Bradshaw-esque voice,
When are you crossing the line between reminding and nagging?
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Honest Scrap Award.
Honest Scrap Award is “for bloggers who put their heart on display as they write from the depths of their soul.” You write 10 Honest things about yourself that is not common knowledge and then you pass it on to 6 fellow bloggers that you follow that touch your heart by the honesty and sincerity they give with each post.
First things first... Nikki You are an amazing friend who deserves this award a billion times over. Thank you for the honor.
Now 10 things, HONEST things, that you probly don't know about me. SCARY!!!
1. My first kiss ever was a girl.
2. I'm a firm believer that everyone I care about will, a) Never love me as much as I love them. b) Will let me down in some way. c) Will leave me.
3. I hate cheesy romantic poetry that rhymes. And people who use it! Find a new way, your own way, to tell me how you feel. Or don't tell me at all.
4. I'm a pack rat. But a very organized one.
5. Me + Pajammas + breakfast and coffee at Denny's + the morning newspaper = A VERY GREAT MORNING!!! Sounds white trash but it does make me very relaxed. (Note-Pajammas could be traded for jeans and a hoodie.)
6. I still collect Barbies and Dolls. ESPECIALLY ones that I wanted as a kid but was not able to have.
7. Sometimes I think that every problem Seth and I have ever had is really just all my fault and maybe we could be happier if I wasn't such a horrible person.
8. I'm obsessed with restoring old furniture, bargain hunting, and home makeovers!
9. I never feel like I fit in anywhere, and I blame my mom for that.
10. I feel completely lost without my mom, sister and brothers in my life.
There ya go. All honest things you may or may not have wanted to know... But you want to know the real honest part about them??
In 3 or 4 nights I'll be brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed and I'll come up with some that are better.
Now my favorite part!!!!
Giving this award to others!!!
1) To Kristina my beautiful cousin and dear friend. She is a fabulous artist and always speaks the words that are hard to say aloud.
2) To Allie. You are an adorable little 17 year old, and I always feel so at home in your thoughts. Thank you!
3) To Linda. I love reading about what lessons you have learned. Each post is an inspiration!
4) To Jill. You are truly an honest writer. You put your life and travels out there to inspire everyone. Thank you! I now want to go and visit India.
5) To Bryon. One of the last few good men! Come back from your haitus soon!
6) To Inge. I love your sense of humor! And I always look forward to the stories about your grandmother.
Well it was very hard for me to pick just 6 of you to recieve this award. I can't wait to see your ten honest scraps about yourself as well as whom you choose to honor!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Stop and look at me for a moment.
Really see me, please.
No more stating the obvious for you.
Yes I realize you love my eyes and I have big boobs,
But why can't you see how much more there is to me?
Can you see the my smudged eyeliner from where silent tears have pooled beneath my lashes?
Or maybe the lines in my cheeks from a forced smile?
What about the hesitant tone in my voice when I'm trying to answer a question I didn't want to hear?
When I look at you I don't see a strong jaw line and hair that falls just perfectly.
My gaze sinks deeper.
I want the man who helps me with dinner when he has worked all day, the man who trusts me to help him think when he is puzzled.
And when I pull you into me it's so that I can make love to the man who loves only me.
Not some image in my head I wished you were.
See me. See me. See me.
Going along with my blog early today I decided to share an article and video that I randomely happened upon. I think we could all benefit from this 3 minutes. I know I plan on sending it on to all of my friends.
Enough with the body hatred!
I am trying to figure out how I'm feeling.
I'm just not sure.
I had a conversation with Seth last night and I feel like I am feeling something about it that I can't figure out.
Although, I guess it's really my own fault.
Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer too.
Me- "Does it irritate you that I don't look how I did when we first got married?"
Him- Sheepish look, head down.
Me- "When did it stop?"
Him- "When I told you that I realised I hadn't been viewing you the way I should have been."
Me- Shock. So just a few weeks ago... All these years...
Him - "Does that make you mad?"
Me- Deep breaths "No. It's kind of a relief to have you finally tell me the truth about it."
Him- "I knew that it wasn't your fault. It's not like you were sitting on your butt all day eating."
Me- Still in shock.
I knew. I'm not in denial about how I look.
Why did I ask?
Because even though I knew, I wanted to hear him say the opposite. I wanted to hear him say it so convincingly that I would just believe him instantly.
Now I'm sitting here, trying to puzzle out how to feel. But knowing I don't really want to know.