Tuesday, April 6, 2010

How am I feeling?

I am trying to figure out how I'm feeling.
I'm just not sure.
I had a conversation with Seth last night and I feel like I am feeling something about it that I can't figure out.
Maybe shock.
Although, I guess it's really my own fault.
Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer too.
Me- "Does it irritate you that I don't look how I did when we first got married?"
Him- Sheepish look, head down.
"It did."
Me- "When did it stop?"
Him- "When I told you that I realised I hadn't been viewing you the way I should have been."
Me- Shock. So just a few weeks ago... All these years...
Him - "Does that make you mad?"
Me- Deep breaths "No. It's kind of a relief to have you finally tell me the truth about it."
Him- "I knew that it wasn't your fault. It's not like you were sitting on your butt all day eating."
Me- Still in shock.

I knew. I'm not in denial about how I look.
Why did I ask?
Because even though I knew, I wanted to hear him say the opposite. I wanted to hear him say it so convincingly that I would just believe him instantly.
Impossible- yes.
Unfair- maybe.

Now I'm sitting here, trying to puzzle out how to feel. But knowing I don't really want to know.


1 comments:

Allie said...

even though you know you're not perfect, it hurts to hear someone (especially a loved one) point it out. you should just keep in mind that he wasn't saying anything that was meant to hurt you, and he probably said it out of love.