Thursday, April 29, 2010
How are you?.... Oh that's right, no answer. Because we don't talk. how long has it been now...? Almost a year.
Almost one year since I called you, scared to death and bawlin my eyes out. Fresh from being told by my doctor that I had the beginings of Cervical Cancer. And what was your response? Oh yes... "That you only catch that from a cheating husband."
I really wish I record our conversations so that I could play them back to you and you could hear how stupid you sound.
I don't have family. No comforting mom to call when I'm upset. No dad to hug. No brothers and sister to joke around with. And that's not ok. I am not ok.
It makes me broken. It makes me half of what I should be. This huge gaping hole is missing from me and from my life, and from Caden's life. Why momma? Why do you hate me so much? I'm sorry I was born and ruined your horse career. I'm sorry I wanted dolls and dresses to horses and dirt. But you always told everyone that I was your best friend. How I raised the kids for you while you worked. How I helped support you when Kurt wouldn't work. I was your best friend...Until I broke. Until at 16 I couldn't take anymore.
What was it you said... Oh yes, Whatever Keeps Him Off My Ass. Which is why you didn't question when he would stay up so late, or why I locked my bedroom door, or why I would sleep outside in the horse trailer, or why he would lock the door on me so I couldn't get back in the house to get dressed for work. Because as long as he left you alone you didnt care right?
But I forgot. None of that is your fault. It's really foolish of me to assume you noticed any of that stuff.
I'm gonna be 25 soon momma. Do you think of me on my birthday? I think about you and Dad and your parents all in that room waiting on me. And I think about how scared you probly were being only 21 and having a baby you didn't really want. I wonder if you loved me at all the first time you saw me.
I'll have been married 7 years this June. Don't worry...I stopped expecting to see a card in the mail or even a text. Even after you married your 3rd husband and I brought you anniversary presents.
Because we don't see eye to eye. We disagree. And what is it exactly that we argue about again? Is it because of that meth lab I had in the kitchen that burnt the house down and almost killed the kids too? Is it cause I screwed the whole high school football team? Or maybe it's cause I took out 12 credit cards in your name and filled them up clothes shopping...
Oh wait...silly me....none of those things happened. I forgot...we don't talk because I chose to run my life my own way. Against the laws of our country? Not at all. Against the standards in the Bible? Nope! Against the norm of this generation? Not in the least. Just against what you want.
I choose to live in California. Strike one.
I choose to try for my marriage. Strike two.
I am succeeding in my life. Strike three.
You are such a bitch.
And yet I am not ok without you. Part of me is missing.
I could call. It's true. Break the silence, again. But what would it accomplish? You would remain cold and impassive on the other line, I would keep calling back every day trying to find something to say to move your heart towards me. Finally when I was ready to give up I would get a backhanded compliment that I could never cypher out. Eventually you'll bring up pieces of the past to choke me with, and then we will stop speaking for a few more years...again. And then I'll be worse off than I am now. Emptier.
Oh and you'll be very unsurprised to know that I am raising Caden pretty opposite of how you did it. Yay disappointed you again. He will never doubt that I love him. He will know to love himself. And he will know that I will sacrifice myself to save him from anything.
Why can't you just be my mom and love me? It's what I need most. It's the only thing I have ever really wanted. I need my family.
Tell the kids I love em. And tell Bill I say hi.
I love you Momma.
P.S. This is Why I Cry.