Thursday, April 29, 2010

Dear Momma,


Dear Momma,
How are you?.... Oh that's right, no answer. Because we don't talk. how long has it been now...? Almost a year.
Almost one year since I called you, scared to death and bawlin my eyes out. Fresh from being told by my doctor that I had the beginings of Cervical Cancer. And what was your response? Oh yes... "That you only catch that from a cheating husband."
I really wish I record our conversations so that I could play them back to you and you could hear how stupid you sound.
I don't have family. No comforting mom to call when I'm upset. No dad to hug. No brothers and sister to joke around with. And that's not ok. I am not ok.
It makes me broken. It makes me half of what I should be. This huge gaping hole is missing from me and from my life, and from Caden's life. Why momma? Why do you hate me so much? I'm sorry I was born and ruined your horse career. I'm sorry I wanted dolls and dresses to horses and dirt. But you always told everyone that I was your best friend. How I raised the kids for you while you worked. How I helped support you when Kurt wouldn't work. I was your best friend...Until I broke. Until at 16 I couldn't take anymore.
What was it you said... Oh yes, Whatever Keeps Him Off My Ass. Which is why you didn't question when he would stay up so late, or why I locked my bedroom door, or why I would sleep outside in the horse trailer, or why he would lock the door on me so I couldn't get back in the house to get dressed for work. Because as long as he left you alone you didnt care right?
But I forgot. None of that is your fault. It's really foolish of me to assume you noticed any of that stuff.
I'm gonna be 25 soon momma. Do you think of me on my birthday? I think about you and Dad and your parents all in that room waiting on me. And I think about how scared you probly were being only 21 and having a baby you didn't really want. I wonder if you loved me at all the first time you saw me.
I'll have been married 7 years this June. Don't worry...I stopped expecting to see a card in the mail or even a text. Even after you married your 3rd husband and I brought you anniversary presents.
Because we don't see eye to eye. We disagree. And what is it exactly that we argue about again? Is it because of that meth lab I had in the kitchen that burnt the house down and almost killed the kids too? Is it cause I screwed the whole high school football team? Or maybe it's cause I took out 12 credit cards in your name and filled them up clothes shopping...
Oh wait...silly me....none of those things happened. I forgot...we don't talk because I chose to run my life my own way. Against the laws of our country? Not at all. Against the standards in the Bible? Nope! Against the norm of this generation? Not in the least. Just against what you want.
I choose to live in California. Strike one.
I choose to try for my marriage. Strike two.
I am succeeding in my life. Strike three.


You are such a bitch.
And yet I am not ok without you. Part of me is missing.
I could call. It's true. Break the silence, again. But what would it accomplish? You would remain cold and impassive on the other line, I would keep calling back every day trying to find something to say to move your heart towards me. Finally when I was ready to give up I would get a backhanded compliment that I could never cypher out. Eventually you'll bring up pieces of the past to choke me with, and then we will stop speaking for a few more years...again. And then I'll be worse off than I am now. Emptier.
Oh and you'll be very unsurprised to know that I am raising Caden pretty opposite of how you did it. Yay disappointed you again. He will never doubt that I love him. He will know to love himself. And he will know that I will sacrifice myself to save him from anything.
Why can't you just be my mom and love me? It's what I need most. It's the only thing I have ever really wanted. I need my family.

Tell the kids I love em. And tell Bill I say hi.
I love you Momma.



P.S. This is Why I Cry.

6 comments:

margg. said...

This almost broke my heart.

You are such a strong person.
I admire you for that.


Me and my mother don't talk either :(

Bernadine said...

This is very sad. I too am crying a lot. But my tears are for a friend...

Good luck with your mom. Hope you find each other again and love each other like mom and daughter should.

Laina said...

Wow, we are a lot alike. You have the courage to talk about it, that's the first step. I am struggling with the same thing. I think I have become depressed as well after the birth of my daughter. I don't hate her or wish she wasn't born but I do struggle with my identity. You are not alone, there are many others out there but it is hard to talk about it because that means you have to be vulnerable and show weakness. Check out my blog, you'll see what I mean......http://throughthelookingglass-laina.blogspot.com/

Nikki said...

Sweetie,

I told someone the other day that you are my family on purpose. From the moment I met you I knew you were special. Not because of anything you had done, just from your smile, your whole being shows how wonderful and loving you are. And how hurt and mistreated you have been. It's not fair that you've been surrounded by such ignorant and hateful people.

I know I don't compare to having a mother who is a part of your life, but I'm here just the same. I'll be here no matter what, no matter when and no matter what you need. I choose to be there, I choose you as my family, without asking anything in return. There are those of us that would do anything for you, don't forget that!

I love you.

-MissC* said...

OMG So many comments! I was hoping no one would say anything cause I don't want anyone else to be able to relate to this!! I swear sometimes my pain is so raw it's as though I sucked up everyone else's mother pain and taken them upon myself. I wish I could, for all of you.
Thank you so much for your understanding and your well wishes.
Laina you got it. Although I kind of do wish her death...only so I have an excuse to mourn. And I only wish her enough emotional pain to make her want to change.
i can really only talk about this is my blog because no one knows me here...I can be somewhat vulnerable and not be scared that it will kill me. Although if my family ever found my blog....SUDDEN DEATH! lol

Nikki my love...What would I do without you?The whole time I was writing this post I just kept thinking "At least I have Nikki. At least I have my big sister." No matter what you're my family and my rock and my grounding. I love you to bits and pieces!!

Mom Blogger Wife said...

Scary, the more I read your work and your poems how much your life mirrors mine. It's nice to know your not alone in the world.