Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Knight of my Heart

Strong arms hold me safe.
Steady lips press against my eye lids.
Your hands run through my hair,
and mine touch your cheek.
Making sure you're real.
Oh handsome man...where are you?
Pull out the map of my life and
show me when I will see you.

I know I will fall for you immediately.
I don't believe finding love should be hard.
And I always jump in heart first.

"Moi Chroidh Chado."
(Knight of my Heart.)

I want to feel your heart, petals of a butterfly,
fluttering against mine.
I want to know you're real.
I want to look in your eyes
and kiss you deeply.

I want to know that you are only mine.
And I never want to doubt you.
Let me make you happy forever.

Come to me soon.
I have been waiting so patiently.


Be still my heart.
Calm my head.
Become as useless to me as a white crayon.
Stop breathing.
Stop wanting.
I no longer wish control over you.
I'll hand over the reins to someone other.
Stop figuring.
Stop hurting.
Just give up, please.
It will be so much easier
on us both.

Good Morning

My eyes clear and I wonder what I missed
as the world carried on without me.
I arch my back to see out the window.
Sun is slowly rising-Sky is perfectly pink.
My arms raise up in salutations,
eyes closed,
my skin picks up all the sensations
of the new day.
I reach out for away from my body,
grasping at all that is not there.
Arching my back forwards,
I grab my toes.
Then all the way back over to
tickle my ankles.
The stretch feels so good. The sun warm on my bare skin.

Good Morning World.
I am Ready.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Falling in Hate.

It's ten pm. I'm tired but not restless. You're not here. Which is fine but I keep wanting to cry. And I think that you know that I hate to cry alone. And I wonder if I hate you.
Memories of that summer come to me and I can't fight them off. All of a sudden they are uncorked, fresh and raw and I hate you for all the hurt. Again. And I know you would look at me as though I just kicked a puppy if you heard me say this. And you would say that it's not fair to you for me to feel this way. And you're probly right. But that doesn't make me stop hating you. It never makes the tears stop. And I wonder if there is anything you can do to make up for it. But if there is I haven't figured it out. Not in this whole year and a half. And I know more than ever before that I'm broken. That you and I are broken. And I'm so sick of sweeping the pieces up off the floor and setting them back on the table and ignoring them. Hoping that they will just fix them self on their own some day.
Neither one of us is what the other needs. That's what you said. That's how I feel. But I know I have tried to be what you need. Can you honestly stay the same? Maybe you think you can. But I can honestly say that I am wasting more of my time. And I hate your for it. I hate you for making me feel stuck. I hate you for hurting me over and over. I hate you for the lies. I hate you for a thousand little reason that I used to love you for. And that makes me hate you even more. I pity you. And I even hate you for that.
I wish you could be the man I thought you would be. And I think about how maybe you will become him once I'm gone, and what a bitch that will be. But so far the older you get the less I want to know you.
I miss who I thought you were.
And I hate you for that.
But mainly I hate you for being one more person who knows how to make me cry. You were supposed to be my fortress against them. Not join forces.
And here I am. It's 10:40 pm and I'm still crying. I'm sobbing so hard I can't see the screen. And I wish you were here because I always feel so unloved crying alone. And because I want to hit you. I want to hit you until you break and stop making me feel worthless. And stop making me cry.
And I'm pretty sure I'm falling in hate with you. And I hate you for that.


I had a horrible dream last night.
I was in a hospital. I think I was going there for some testing. But the nurse came back to me and said they couldn't give me the test because it would hurt the baby.
What baby I asked? The one in your tummy she smiled and said. No, there is a mistake. I have an IUD. I can't be pregnant. It's impossible. Well it's not, she countered. And you need to calm down or you will hurt the baby.
Baby...How the hell I thought. I looked to my left and Seth was smiling. You I thought. How did you do this to me.
I was mad. I was so angry. A baby would ruin everything. No one would want me if I had another baby. I wouldn't even want me.
I threw such a fit that a nurse sent Seth away and came to calm me down. We talked and I told her this was the worst thing that could happen to me. She said she would lie and say it was an anomaly and I made an appointment to come in the next day and have an abortion.
No doubts in my mind. I needed this "thing" gone. And I would do whatever was needed to make it so.

I woke up at 5 am sweating and shaking. I don't agree in any of that. Least of all an abortion. But in my dream I was so sure and convinced. And nothing would stop me from getting what I wanted.
That scared me the worst. That level of selfishness. I have never ever been like that in my life. It's so unnerving to think I'm even close to capable of it. Even in just a dream.

Heal Over

To Nikki

It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realize
That sometimes life is hard

It's gonna take time

But you'll just have to wait

You're gonna be fine

But in the meantime
Come over here lady

Let me wipe your tears away

Come a little nearer baby
Cause you'll heal over

Heal over
Heal over someday

And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself

That these feelings are in the past
No it doesn't mean they're off the shelf

Because pain's built to last

Everybody sails alone

Oh but we can travel side by side

Even if you fail

You know that no one really minds

Come over here lady

Let me wipe your tears away

Come a little nearer baby

Cause you'll heal over

Heal over

Heal over someday
Don't hold on but don't let go

I know it's so hard

You've got to try to trust yourself

I know it's so hard, so hard

Come over here lady

Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby

Cause you'll heal over

Heal over

Heal over someday

Yeah you're gonna heal over


"Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?"

Reflections of me. They ripple like sprinkles in water.
I do my best to tread softly so they don't show too much.

But they are there!

Insecurities. Impurities. Fallacies.

I cover them up. Layering on makeup.
Hoping my languid eyes mesmerize you enough
to glaze over the rough spots.
I smile too prettily for you not to love me.
The pure notes from my voice convinces you.


Too True. Too True.
Like a birds call-I hear it on the wind.
I want to bend the light around it.
Honestly change the truth into a more pleasing form.
For the truth is all that I can not be.
And it shows me in a natural light.
The Monster within.

Soon Soon Soon

Dreaming of waking up next to you.
The world keeps spinning
and my dreams seem more real to me.


My inner chant to help me keep my sanity.
But soon is never really soon enough.
And when soon comes it won't be long enough.

An then I'll start my chant again.

Black Trombone


Black trombone
Le trombone
C'est joli
Et bâillonne
Mon ennui

Black trombone
De la nuit
Dieu pardonne
La mignonne
Qui fredonne
Dans mon lit

Black trombone
Elle se donne
A demi
Nue, frissonne

Black trombone
C'est l'automne
De ma vie
Plus personne
Ne m'étonne
C'est fini


Black Trombone
The trombone
Is pretty
Swirl around
And gape open
My boredom

Black trombone
Of the night
God pardon
The cutie
Who's humming
In my bed

Black trombone
She gives herself
Naked, shiver
Drive crazy
Poison me
Invade me

Black trombone
It's the autumn
Of my life
No one
Surprises me
I give up
It's finished

I love this song. But I think that they 8 1/2 Souvenir's did it best!

Sunday, December 27, 2009


Colors. Perfectly blending as time passes by.
The glorious sun, sinking into the open field before
our sleepy eyes, surrendering to the darkening sky.
Chills crawl up my spine as the night rolls behind the setting sun,
settling in my strong bones.
One last moment of dazzling awe,
like a flame extinguishing,
the night takes over for the second shift.
New sources of light appear immediately,
ripping like giant lightening bugs through the black scenery.
Nocturnal creatures scatter from the intensity of this brilliant light,
running for home among the dark abyss.
Roars of machinery echo from field to field,
letting all know their presence.
Stars shine brightly, high in the sky,
waiting for someone to gaze at them all night.
The magnificent moon hangs low in the sky, full,
with a spooky yellow tint.
On this occasion, the trees seem to have a haunted look upon them.
Two enormous machines roam within the night continuously loud.
They hastily work, harvesting tomatoes.
Through the night, they continue to work hard,
finishing up as much as they can.
Time passes by, stars dance across the sky,
and work slows to a stop.
The large pools of light from the machines extinguish,
allowing the dark to engulf the night.

Je Roche Hors

"Je Chante. Je Danse. Je Roche Hors." "I Sing. I Dance. I Rock Out."
This is something I say often when I am in a good mood.
And I think this picture is so perfect for it!
She is so strong, yet feminine. Not to mention PINK!


I've wished a million wishes on a big empty sky,
and I've spent too many endless nights alone.
Wondering if I was broken. And where I belong.

I know what it's like to be Cinderella.
Working hard for something not your own
and always going home alone.
Dreaming of the day you find your own and only.
And wonderin why your arms are always lonely.
Livin on dreams and fairy tales,
to get you through the day.
Yeah I know what it's like to live that way.

I've seen my share of troubles.
Tears shed in vain.
Watched my dreams crumble.
And tried not to go insane.

I know what it's like to be Cinderella.
Each day feeling like that last.
And wondering when this will all be the past.

Did Cinderella really find happiness? I imagine her falling into depths of loneliness. Her stepmom and stepsisters wern't happy for her. In fact they hated her! They probly made life miserable for her every chance they could. And who falls in love with just one dance and then lives together happily forever? I bet Prince Charming was secretly gay and just married someone to keep his parents of his back.
So she traded one hell for another.
Yes I know what it's like to be Cinderella.

Other Randm Thoughts

Isn't this picture breathtaking? Currently it's the wallpaper on my computer. I get most of my photographs from Deviant Art. I don't think I mention that enough. But if I can't take a picture that I feel fits with what I wrote than I find it on that site.

I have officially been turned. I want a Kindle. One of my amazing guy friends has convinced me that I need one. Now....If I can be convinced then anyone can be. I currently OWN 786 books. I have, at present, read over 2300 books. I love books! I love holding them. I love the way they smell. I love their cover art. I love digging through an old barn or dusty book shop for some secret gem who's worth will bring tears to my eyes alone. Which is why I have been so against the Kindle. Yes I realize it's convenient....but who cares? Nothing compares to cradling a book in my palms. Unless you read as fast as I do. Every book I own has been read more than 3 times. At least. And each one has been read AT LEAST once just in this last year. And while I love it....I do crave new books. And that costs money. And if I could buy a new book every time I needed/wanted one...well I would be homeless, divorced and no longer have custody of my son. Reading is crack to me.
So....Why do I now want the Kindle? BECAUSE my dear Brett has his own server set up JUST for his Kindle to which I could wirelessly connect to and download all of my books from him FOR FREE. Not only that he knows how to download books like free music torrents. He sat here last night and downloaded one of my favorite trilogies, (The LiveShip Trader Series-Robin Hobb) in less than 5 minutes. As well as the other book I wanted to buy last week but didn't have the money for. (Fire Study-Maria V. Snyder) Also within a few minutes. (Have I mentioned that Brett is probly the smartest man under 30? And probly the biggest computer nerd in NorCal.)
Now here is the thing....I will never pass up an opportunity to buy a book. Never. Books are priceless. However I would love to be able to read anything at any time. The concept boggles my mind!! And My dearest friend and brother has graciously proclaimed himself my "Book Pimp."
(Have I said enough how wonderful he is and just how much I love him?)
So my heart has betrayed itself and now it's main desire is a Kindle. If you have one...TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT! And if you are still not sure...well now you can ask me all you would like about it!
I am still working my ass off downstairs to clean the new apt so we can move in this weekend. It is so filthy yucky gross that I can only be downstairs a few hours at a time. But I am pushin through! lol
Last but not least my Blog. Of course everyone once to be the next "Julie and Julia". Nikki and I are trying our bestity bestest to figure out how to do that. We both have short stories we might try to finish and then post on here. Nikki NEEDS to put down some of her recipes because she is an amazing cook. So many ideas to try to get more readers.
What do you do to advertise?
When we get together next month (OMG NEXT MONTH!!! I can barely sit still I am so excited!!!) We are going to do some Video Blogs together!!! Should be interesting. And VERY Funny.
Well I think that's all my updates for now. Enjoy this wonderful Sunday!

Health Update

I have been thinking a lot the last few days about my blog and what I want from it. And it made me realize that I have not talked about my health at all.
For those of you who read my blog regularly you know I suffer from a Hormone disease called PCOS. I got a letter from my doctor a week or so ago informing me that the tests they did last month came back negative and I do not have cervical cancer! I will still do testing every 6 months to keep an eye on the spreading pre cancer cells but still this is good news.
(Nikki and I both did screaming jump hugs!!! Which rocked even though we are 2000 miles apart.)
I am still losing weight thanks to the Metformin. Since I refuse to own a scale I don't know how much but I think I am down to a size 12. Which is 4 sizes less than I was 3 months ago. (Yes I realize I just told everyone how heavy I was before...but I am learning to be ok with it.)
I have been off the Welbutrin.....yes you hear me right....for a month now. And I'm doing ok. My emotions have been right up front recently...which I think has been the reason for all of my poetry the last 2 weeks. And I have had some nightmares. So I might get back on it at the beginning of the year.
My ovarian pain has been manageable. I am hoping that has something to do with the weight loss. Dr. Gillot has said that if I get small enough many of my symptoms will probly vanish. I can't even imagine that! But it sounds amazing.
In closing I leave you with Alfred Loyd Tennyson:

"Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean.
Tears from the depth of some divine despair.
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
in looking at the happy autumn fields,
and thinking of the days that are no more."

Saturday, December 26, 2009


I will let you
undress me.
But I warn you!
I have thorns like any Rose.

And you could hurt me
with your bare hands.
You could hurt me using the sharp edge of what you say.

I'm lost to you now.
And no amount of reason
will save me.

Allow me to lead you
to a place.
Where the light bends itself
to soft repose.

And I will paint my words
across your back with my
silver tongue.

I will feed you silver sage
and call you my wild horse.

But I warn you!
I have thorns like any rose.

Set your guilt Free.

Seems as though all I live for is to wreck myself.
Although I wanted more, I'm my own saboteur.
The truth is all I can't ignore when I lay awake at night.
Do I need to change the world to make you see me?
To be the one that you could run to.

Look how far I have come while mourning your love.
Life moves on without you in the end.
I had to fall.
And when I rise I know you'll just knock me down again.

Hate me today, but I can't hold on to life
and then you'll be alone.
I'm tired of staying in love with my sorrow.

Stay Low-Beneath my nightmares-Just blame the cold on me-Set your guilt free.

Some of the ugliest things take the longest time to make.
But I refuse to live in the past or drown myself in the memories.
Welcome to no where and finding out where it is.
And always remember:

"You're killing yourself by not speaking your mind."

Safe Place.

I just want to be sheltered.
And easy silence just for me.
Please keep the world at bay for a bit.
Hold them off while I get strong enough
to fight them all again.
The outsides of my heart feel scraped raw and bleeding.
Too many people picking it apart trying to get in.
Why can't they see that they are not welcome here?!
I want them out! I wish them gone.

Deja me en Pace!!!

I wish I knew how to put myself together properly. None of my patches hold long. And I can't seem to put the broken pieces back on correctly.

I'm scared I'm drowning.
My spirit feels crushed beyond recognition.
And the walls around my heart are so high that they are choking the life out of me.
I'm bruised but not yet broken.
How will I survive?
Give me a harbor. A safe place to mend.

Golden eyes

The girl with the golden eyes.
She speaks to me in French,
and tells me that she loves me.
Though I hardly know her I let her in my veins.
Trust her with my life.
I have never even kissed her,
but I can't resist her.
Every time she whispers
"Take me in your arms like you did last night.
Everything will be alright."

The girl with the golden eyes.
Though I hardly know her
I let her swim in my veins.
I trust her with my heart.

I wish I had never kissed her,
because now I can't resist her.
The girl with the golden eyes.

Every time she whispers,
"Take me in your arms,
the way you did last night"
Everything will be ok.
I know.
Everything will be alright.

The girl with the golden eyes.

Stand Still, Look Pretty

Sometimes I want to paint my face
and pretend that I am someone else.
I just get so fed up that I no longer want to look at myself.

I know others have problems that are worse than mine.
And I don't want you to think that I'm complaining all the time.
But I hate the way you look at me I have to say.
I wish I could start all over again.

I am slowly starting to fall apart.
I wish you could take a walk in my shoes for a start.
Cause you think it’s so easy being me.
You just stand still, and look pretty.

Sometimes I find myself shaking in the middle of the night.
And then it hits me, and I can't even believe this is my life.

The terrors never seem to give me peace.

And all I want is an easy release.

So tired of being brave, I want to run and disappear until the world is safe.

Wish I could run to you to escape.

But people have problems that are worse than mine.

Please don't assume I'm complaining all the time.

I just wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths!
Cause I'm really not strong enough to deal with this.

I am slowly starting to fall apart.
I wish you could take a walk in my shoes for a start.
Cause you think it’s so easy being me.
You just stand still, and look pretty.

When will you realize there is so much more to me?
Not just a pretty face for all to see.
Don't waste more time believing you have me perfect in your case.
Cause I will break the glass of this picture frame and forget this place.

People do have problems worse then mine.
And I'm startin to feel like I complain all the time.
Seeing myself through your glass is killing me.
So I'll take my heart and be free.

I am slowly starting to fall apart.
I wish you would take a walk in my shoes for a start.
Cause you think it’s so easy being me.
You just stand still, and look pretty.

Friday, December 25, 2009

All that's in your head.

So last week when Seth and I had our big talk I thought that would make things easier.
I couldn't really be more wrong.
It seems for him it's only made things harder. Before we didn't really talk about it.....we just didn't have sex. Now that it's out in the open that it's not happening, and that we are sleeping separately, and that there is no end in sight to either.... He can't stop thinking about it.
Wednesday we went out to lunch and then to Home Depot. He asked me if I had been thinking about our conversation, which was an honest question. So I gave him an honest answer. No. I couldn't handle focusing on it anymore at that point. I feel like I am trying to recover from the conversation itself! And then the conversation quickly became what I feel was the main theme...sex. He mentioned probly every way conceivably possible that he felt might make me want to have sex. Getting Drunk. Watching Porn..... The list goes on. And each time I told him no. So then he is asking if it's him or sex in general.....Now to some extent it's sex in general. But he was asking so many questions and I didn't want to talk about it, especially not in Home Depot and I panicked. I can count on one hand how many times I have lied to Seth. And each time I came clean about it. And I should have just told him "No. I don't trust you. I don't want you like that. You hurt me." Whatever it was I should have said I didn't.
I told him that I have completely shut off my sex drive and I just didn't even think about it anymore.
Bull shit.
When I sit here, and remind myself of all the lies I have caught him in, how many times he has hurt me, it should have been the easiest thing in the world to be straight with him. I keep telling myself I was just too distraught over the previous conversation to have another one so soon. And yet that feels like a cop out to me.
I feel like I'm running scared right now. I keep crying and I don't know why. And I can't get the hell out of my own head and it's ruining everything for me!
Earlier I was having a great and fun conversation with a good friend and I completely fucked the whole thing up and I keep kicking myself for that. Cause he didn't deserve it.
And now I'm crying again.
I feel like I keep patching up new holes when in reality the whole wall needs to be replaced.
And I know I'm just making it worse on myself.
I know what I want. Now how do I get it? And How do I get it without hurting the little person who does matter?
Nikki....I wish you were here. No...I wish I was there. I just wanna be home with you where I feel safe. I want to kiss my nephew and hold my niece and look at you and Bo and know I'm loved and home.
lol I want you to look at me with that look that tells me I'm being retarded...and then you quote Harry Potter in your bad accent and make me laugh. And I wanna be a pain in the ass to Bo so that I can hear him take a deep breath and say "Well..." And then call me a pain in the ass.
Just thinkin about you two makes me happy again.


(Thank you for the picture)

The snow swirls around me and makes my heart leap.
The world seems so magical tonight.
Winter exhales and my dreams get misplaced.
I wonder how something so harsh could be so beautiful.
And I think about how the snow only shows you where you've been.
(Don't look back!)
Everything ahead seems endless-Anything could happen.

Now my heart's a little lighter.
My worries seem far away.
And all thanks to a pure white world.

Now, of course, I think of you.
I wonder which direction to go so I can be happy
with you forever.
I know it could be one of a dozen roads-Except behind.
But if I only knew which I could run down it!

And still the snow falls.
It swirls around me and tickles my lashes.
Wind blows icy cold.
It chills the tears on my cheeks.

Which Way Do I Go?
We don't know.

Why am I sitting here in the cold?
Alone with my tears, and asking questions about our fate.
For all I know your desire for me doesn't extend past
making your nights warmer.

Now my thoughts are sullied.
My heart seems so weighed down with unshed tears.
And all because I ask too many questions.
And here I thought the earth was magical tonight.
Silly girl.
No more wishing on stars.
Because they don't ever make it that far.
They only vanish under the snow.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

My Smiles for Today.

While many people are getting ready for Christmas today I am not. Due to Religious views I choose not to celebrate the Holidays. However this time of year always makes me think about my family.
A few years back I decided to find my Real Father whom I had not seen in over fifteen years. But what I found was an entire bunch of people who had loved and missed me along with him. I was not completely sure what I would find when I set out to get to know my Dad. But it wasn't this at all! Growing up without really knowing any of my extended family was very hard. I always wanted cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles. People to feel a connection to.
And now I have and they are all so loving that it makes me feel the time we should have had together in an all new painful way.
My two Cousins John and David are some of my favorite people in general. I remember them somewhat from when I was a little kid. I remember getting shoulder rides, and them pushing me around on their bicycles. I remember them pushing me in the tire swing my dad made me and helping me to climb up the grapefruit trees, and then laughing at me when I ate grapefruit. I remember them working on a boat in my dad's garage and also helping skin and clean fish. And when I look back on growing up without them...I realize that all this time I had remembered them almost every day, and had always wished they could have been there, even though I didn't realize it.
Now they are both raising families and working hard, and yet they take the time to let me know how much them and their families care about me. It's such a thrill to have family who randomly let me know that they care without me doing anything. I can't think of a time when I have ever had that. And it's something that I am most thankful for.
So where ever my two cousins are today...I hope you both have wonderful days. I hope you both stay safe. And I hope you both know just how much I love you and am thankful to have found you.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Favorite Book Quotes

The Bearkeeper's Daughter- Gillian Bradshaw
Narses to Anastasios:
"...But can can you really regret being what you are,
when to be otherwise would mean becoming someone
else-which is the same as not existing at all?"

Sir Apropos of Nothing-Peter David
The Wandering King Meander to Apropos:
"Every night, I work to expunge my brain of all memories, so that I can leave that particular story behind. In telling it to you, I hope that that might have cleansed it from my thoughts and recollections. But somehow...I suspect it won't. There are some things, you see, that you carry with you...no matter how far you wander."

All The Words

I want to be selfish.
Which I suppose means I am already being selfish.
Is there a selfless way to be selfish?
I think if their was I would have found it by now.

I didn't think there was any part of my heart left to break.
Numb to the pain I was already living in, falling for you makes me bleed fresh.
And now I see I have been trapped in my own shadow.

And what I wanted was to see your strong hands vowing never to leave my own.
Oh my tears burn!
And yet...if I can't make myself happy how can anyone else?

A thousand sentences fill my head but none of them will come out to meet you.
Somehow I can't seem to write what I want.
All the words I wish your fingers could feel.
All the time I've wished you could know the silent sorrow,
lying stiff in my throat like broken teeth.

I wish you could speak to my fear.

Midsummer Sunset

Have you ever watched a sunset?
Amassing the overwhelming sense of
change as the sun fades, jewelled orbs
of sunset searing through earth's first
glance of moonlight.
Hot tears starting to lace skies filled with
rose tipped clouds.
A glimmering veil of feathered stars
tenderly guides the moon on it's journey.
Mists of rain hovering in silent awed
ecstasy of the newborn summer moon.
As the earth starts to prepare for sleep,
the moon gains power.
It's face lit by the gentle glow of
reverberating moon beams,
and the lullabies of softly sung dreams.

You Found Me

You walked along and you found me.
You trampled down the path to my door
and made the sun shine through.
I want to fade into you.
Just wander aimlessly through your veins.
Spend my life exploring your body.
Until we become one person.
Living off our happiness and your soft repose.

At night when thoughts of you are
running through my head, I open my
window and let the cool air run it's
hands through my hair.
Staring at the moon makes me miss you more.
I wonder if you are looking up at just that moment.
Feeling tears come to my eyes
I blow a kiss to the sky and wish for just one wish.
That my gentle breeze will wind it's travels
towards you and plant my kiss upon your
sweet lips as you sleep.
And I leave it to my dreams to hold me warm.

The Cave of Bone in the Riverbed

Dreaming of that face again.
The one I can put in my pocket.
The one I can carry in my heart.
Dreaming of that girl, no bigger than a leaf.
That tiny girl, who sleeps in a riverbed.
The one who has a waterbug as her best friend.
Her faded blonde hair, woven with dead twigs.
Her once vestal dress, water stained with pond scum,
and torn by bumblebees.
But those eyes could never be stained.
Those eyes, a roaring sky blue.
Every other day she goes searching,
and sometimes she finds the soul of another.
With the rain writing poetry in her cloudy eyes,
she pours herself into her fairytale life.
She cries aloud to the sun dripping in her sky,
"I feel like Peter Pan chasing his shadow,
but that stupid boy didn't know the difference
between the front and back of his hand."
She's tired,
sick of the same old shit.
So she hitches a ride home with a cricket.
She says "the ride was a bitch" to the waterbug
who blithely ignores her but leaves enough
hot water in the teapot.
Hugging the water instead of her as he
swims away.
She'd never admit that she didn't have a soul.
She'd never admit that she didn't have a home.
Admit that her heart won't stop bleeding from
the terrible space between her and the world.
And she'll never say that a leaf was bigger than her.
Funny, how she'd always bite me when I
tried to put her in my pocket,
when I tried to show her love.
Eventually she stopped coming to me,
stopped calling to me in her dreams,
But I still dream of that face...

Deadly Beauty

Hope follows her, glistening like a shadow in the rain.
But she never pays it any attention.
To never know her lilting voice
would be as a poem written without love.
Some have tried to pull the rainbows from her eyes,
but the ripped seams ate them alive.
~So fragile for one so deadly~
A bouquet of sun kissed roses splashes across her lips
like waves in a storm.
A brush, dipped in the ice from the moon paints her
lids as cool as her heart.
She could freeze you with the twinkle in her eye,
but she'd rather not take the time.

"Beautiful little fairy, with your warm smile, I want to put you in a bottle so that I may admire your silky wings without damage to my heart. Your world is such a fragile place, cracking like glass along the edges. You are doomed to float along this world in a haze of breathless admirers."

Perfect crystal icicles dance in her heart.
"What would melt your icy touch? You carry with you the fragrance of pain. The mild smell of decay and broken hearts. You are so untouchable, my little being. But why are you loving the reaper?"

Smile today!

Call the Nestle Crunch Hot line at 1-800-295-0051. When you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and you will smile. (If you comment on this after listening, don't give away the surprise.....................) Keep going and press 4!

This is guaranteed to make you smile and will take less than a minute to do! ENJOY!

Tangled and Twisted.

The last few days I have felt so emotionally drained. Raw almost. Seth and I have been...not necessarily arguing... but still reopening old wounds since Friday. And it's hard on me. I'm so tired of it. It's been a year and this hurt still has not dulled. I'm beginning to wonder if it ever will. I think about how much I have forgiven him for over the years, and I think maybe this was just one too many.
I always hated the phrase "Love means never having to say you're sorry." I always felt that Love meant Wanting to say that you are sorry. But now I'm starting to get what it means. If you love someone, you shouldn't have to apologize for hurting them in the same way over and over. You should love them enough to not hurt them that way more than once.
Seth does seem remorseful this time. But it doesn't effect me. I can't count all of the times before when I knew he was sincere...and yet it didn't change anything. I feel like such a fool sometimes.
I told him that I wanted to move home. And that I wanted to go without him. I explained to him my reasons, and how I wanted it to be a permanent move, which I know his psyche wouldn't handle well, and that if I went it would be without him. He got mad of course, and pretty much told me to go if I was going to. But I am trying to do this smart. I don't want to be rash because I don't have a place to land if I fall.I need to do this as responsible as possible since it's not just me who will be effected.
It's been nice in many ways to just tell Seth what I am thinking and how I feel without holding back something that I think might hurt him. And yet...It's made me feel too exposed. I don't want him to know that much about how I feel. It just leaves me open for more ways to get hurt.
So we sleep in separate rooms. We try to be respectful of the others boundaries. We do our best to keep Caden as oblivious as possible. Seth spends nights down in the bay area working. And Caden leaves tonight for his grandparents. So maybe I will have the time to put myself back together. Sew myself closed so all of the sensitive spots stop hurting so much.
So far the hardest part is not having someone to touch. I spent my whole life sharing a bed, growing up with 3 siblings. And now I don't have anyone to hug.
I miss you Nikki. I think about my head on your shoulder, and it makes me not feel so lonely. I can't wait to see you and Bo, and get all the hugs I need.

Monday, December 21, 2009


With a wink and a smile you sauntered off.
So cool and confident.
Did you really think you had it all figured out?
I'm not as simple minded as you assumed.
But I'm glad you felt safe for awhile.
It will make this hurt all the more so!
Did you really think I would let you go?
Let you rip through us like a storm and then
not call you to account for your actions?
I picked up the thread and fit the pieces together.
But you stopped thinking for a moment and that's
where I caught you.
I always loved your haughtiness, foolishly believing that parts of it were a clever act. But now I see why it was a quality I never cared to cultivate. It tripped you up.
It made you believe you could sweet talk your way out of the horrors you caused.
Now you think I should care? No.

I'm losing my mind and my life over you-So I'll buy front row seats to watch you lie face first in the ground, drowning.
The loathing and fear I carry for you eats at me daily
-No place to hide-
I just close my eyes and wish you gone.
You have made me unable to trust.
Unable to find joy in any memory where you hovered.
You have destroyed all that I worked for.
And only because you feel I stole your seat in the game.
But I didn't even know you were playing.

I wish rain to consume you and drag you down to the balmy depths
-Tree roots drinking your essence and trapping you until I am just a memory.

When did you decide I was expendable?

Had you built yourself up so high in your own mind that you were blind to the fact that I was the only link to all the you lusted for? It must have been a shock to discover that even when some lies were believed you still were not loved.
I hope it HURT!!!
I hope a chunk of you died a horrible screaming death. Burning slowly in the Hell of your mind.
All those broken promises to me are just one more shackle that will slowly strangle the life out of you.
I hope you're scared. I hope you try to run, only to be dragged back choking.
And to help you get through this...remember this one thing...as you die slowly....
I will live. Perfectly. And without you.

Sweet AmberGlow

I'm on fire when you're near me.
And I'm on fire when you speak.
With crimson dreams, burned yellow at the ends,
you drift ghostly fingers over my bare skin.
A haunting passion I crave.
Give me those amberglow moments!
Sweet skin on skin moments.
Sweet kisses and soft caresses.
Your hands causing my eyes to amberglow.
I'm standing on the edge and you're the only chance I'll take.
I'm burning at the mysteries!
Oh Sweet Amberglow!
I want to run so fast the sparks catch me on fire.
Better sorry than safe.
You're my sweet mystery, pouring yourself into me
and filling up the empty spaces.
Until I burn bright from the inside out.
Such a sweet amberglow.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Things men don't know about woman...But SHOULD!!!

1. We say underwear, just as men do. Women never say panties, and neither should you, except under the rarest of circumstances, and maybe not even then. Likewise, the garment we wear on top is called a bra. When possible, please refrain from making a sound effect like boing! when we remove it.

2. Your virility may be called into question if you identify yourself as a vegan, raw foodist, macrobiotic, or some equivalent. Women tend to see these lifestyle choices as fine for themselves but not quite male enough as far as you are concerned. Sure, we're all for you taking care of yourselves, but we do not want you to regard yourselves as too precious. It is our task in life to get you to try things like couscous, and it is yours to politely decline the offer.

3. The same goes for driving. Women don't like men who drive like women. Not that we drive like women. By women I mean grandmothers.

4. If we are forced into a situation where a male stripper is imploring us to, say, lick whipped cream from his shaved inner thigh or lap tequila from his navel, it will most likely just perplex and embarrass us. We are more likely to become aroused by a female rather than a male stripper. But don't get any big ideas.

5. Not all women are thoroughly sold on the idea of pushing a baby out of a small opening in their bodies. It does not fill all of us with an inexpressible Sense of Purpose on this Earth. It fills us with a slow and steady sense of dread. Nevertheless, it should be noted that, when contemplating our golden years, we do like to imagine plenty of vital progeny gathered at our knee, hanging on our every wizened word and keeping us company after you die, which you will do before us because you are always eating all that crap. You should eat more couscous. (And stop driving like a lunatic.)

6. Thongs are not a girl's best friend. Diamonds are. We're not stupid.

7. Concerning the myth about women preferring men of power to men of attractiveness: once again, entirely true. But power and attractiveness are nebulous terms. Only in the rarest of instances will a young and vibrant woman appear on the arm of an octogenarian millionaire. Similarly, few of us will eschew a respectable-looking gentleman with an honest job who is kind and fun in favor of an unemployed underwear model with nothing to say.

8. The inclusion of the word Lady in front of a product doesn't make us feel better. We don't sleep more soundly knowing we have our own Foot Locker.

9. Most of us respond favorably to even the most diminutive gesture of compassion. You will find that when provoked by, say, a simple card or a kind phone call, our capacity for forgiveness and benevolence could blow your mind. Yes, we are different from you in some ways, but we do possess resilient hearts that long to connect with you on a level that transcends mere gender. But come on, no balloon bouquets. What do you think this is?

10. Women are neither a Ginger nor a Mary Ann, a Mary nor a Rhoda, a Rachel nor a Monica, a Madonna nor a whore, high maintenance nor low maintenance, nor anything else you may have seen on TV, read at a bookstore counter, or heard Billy Crystal say. We are all and/or none of these things, plus ten thousand other things that are constantly transmogrifying into more confusing things. One concept or phrase cannot begin to contain us. We do not stand united on any one principle, except perhaps this: We all love flowers, ponies, puppies, kitties, and rainbows. That is absolutely 100 percent true.

Good God How Perverted Are we???

Conversation between Nikki and Myself:

MissCrystal Nelson: Ok now honestly, go here,
MissCrystal Nelson: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_stNEjywgLok/SyufyXZTd7I/AAAAAAAAAPo/pfMzQyUl0YQ/s1600-h/burney.jpg

MissCrystal Nelson: doesn't that look like something else to you?
smyles00: omg thats so funny
smyles00: i see pune
smyles00: or poon however its spelled
MissCrystal Nelson: LMAO!!!
MissCrystal Nelson: Ask Bo
smyles00: haha ok
smyles00: hahaha i sent it and said what does this look like to you and he says a waterfall
MissCrystal Nelson: LMAO!!!
MissCrystal Nelson: ask him if it looks like a very feminine waterfall
smyles00: i asked him if thats all he sees and he said yeah so i said look at all the contours and shapes
smyles00: haha and he says now i see a waterfall
MissCrystal Nelson: lol
MissCrystal Nelson: Tell him his head needs to spend more time between your legs.
smyles00: OMG i'm about to pee lol lol
Bo: give me a hint?
Nikki: i have one
you don't
Bo: i tried to make it out to be something dirty but I can't make that leap... its a frickin waterfall
MissCrystal Nelson: HAHAHAHA!!!
MissCrystal Nelson: omg I'm Fing crying
smyles00: me too
smyles00: Bo: then you two need help... i am a dirty minded perverted male... and I think that is a stretch... clearly you have never looked in the mirror
smyles00: hahaha
MissCrystal Nelson: Oh lord! Guess it's just us then
MissCrystal Nelson: Oh my tummy hurts
smyles00: lol my head hurts
MissCrystal Nelson: oh gosh I can't stop laughing
smyles00: Bo: i'm afriad for you... that would be like me looking at a magic marker and saying... oh that looks exactly like an erect penis...
smyles00: me either and he keeps it up
MissCrystal Nelson: HAHAHA!!
MissCrystal Nelson: Oh This needs to go on the blog
smyles00: you want to do it?
smyles00: knock yourself out
MissCrystal Nelson: LMAO!!!
smyles00: roflmao, its just us then but god thats funny
i'd be laughing harder if my head wasn't hurting i wasn't dizzy
Bo: ... see normally i'd be right there with you... i mean really?
MissCrystal Nelson: haha
MissCrystal Nelson: He looked at it??? And really didn't see it!?!
smyles00: really didn't see it
smyles00: although i think he may be sending that photo to the guys to see if they see it
MissCrystal Nelson: Now I wanna know what they say
MissCrystal Nelson: lol Maybe Bo is mentally blocking sex since he got rejected last night?
smyles00: Bo: ok... it is official... you ladies have lost your f'ing minds... i just showed the picture to two of the most perverted men i know (Todd and Andy)... they stared for several minutes and finally started making up stuff like "i can kind of see a ghost maybe", "Is this supposed be like jesus hidden in a picture or something", etc... not one person made any mention to the female anatomy and that is saying something
MissCrystal Nelson: OH NO!!!! Nikki we are worse than MEN!!!
MissCrystal Nelson: I BLAME YOU!
smyles00: no no think about it, men are visual right? but only if its right in front of them with lights and signs
MissCrystal Nelson: I am only this perverted cause of YOU!
smyles00: thank you thank you
MissCrystal Nelson: lol!!! So if we showed it to them and said "Can you spot the vajayjay" They would get it right away???
smyles00: if it was an actual picture of one yes
MissCrystal Nelson: ok ok ok....God I can't stop laughing....ok I'm gonna post this on the blog....then you send it to Bo.