Friday, December 25, 2009

All that's in your head.


So last week when Seth and I had our big talk I thought that would make things easier.
I couldn't really be more wrong.
It seems for him it's only made things harder. Before we didn't really talk about it.....we just didn't have sex. Now that it's out in the open that it's not happening, and that we are sleeping separately, and that there is no end in sight to either.... He can't stop thinking about it.
Wednesday we went out to lunch and then to Home Depot. He asked me if I had been thinking about our conversation, which was an honest question. So I gave him an honest answer. No. I couldn't handle focusing on it anymore at that point. I feel like I am trying to recover from the conversation itself! And then the conversation quickly became what I feel was the main theme...sex. He mentioned probly every way conceivably possible that he felt might make me want to have sex. Getting Drunk. Watching Porn..... The list goes on. And each time I told him no. So then he is asking if it's him or sex in general.....Now to some extent it's sex in general. But he was asking so many questions and I didn't want to talk about it, especially not in Home Depot and I panicked. I can count on one hand how many times I have lied to Seth. And each time I came clean about it. And I should have just told him "No. I don't trust you. I don't want you like that. You hurt me." Whatever it was I should have said I didn't.
I told him that I have completely shut off my sex drive and I just didn't even think about it anymore.
Bull shit.
When I sit here, and remind myself of all the lies I have caught him in, how many times he has hurt me, it should have been the easiest thing in the world to be straight with him. I keep telling myself I was just too distraught over the previous conversation to have another one so soon. And yet that feels like a cop out to me.
I feel like I'm running scared right now. I keep crying and I don't know why. And I can't get the hell out of my own head and it's ruining everything for me!
Earlier I was having a great and fun conversation with a good friend and I completely fucked the whole thing up and I keep kicking myself for that. Cause he didn't deserve it.
And now I'm crying again.
I feel like I keep patching up new holes when in reality the whole wall needs to be replaced.
And I know I'm just making it worse on myself.
I know what I want. Now how do I get it? And How do I get it without hurting the little person who does matter?
Nikki....I wish you were here. No...I wish I was there. I just wanna be home with you where I feel safe. I want to kiss my nephew and hold my niece and look at you and Bo and know I'm loved and home.
lol I want you to look at me with that look that tells me I'm being retarded...and then you quote Harry Potter in your bad accent and make me laugh. And I wanna be a pain in the ass to Bo so that I can hear him take a deep breath and say "Well..." And then call me a pain in the ass.
Just thinkin about you two makes me happy again.

1 comments:

Eva O'Dell said...

I'm sorry you weren't able to tell him how you felt. I have been feeling very similar lately, sometimes the only person who holds me back is myself. But when you have a child what can you do? You're stuck, and I understand what a feeling that is. I hope you find a way to replace the wall so you don't hurt anymore.