The last few days I have felt so emotionally drained. Raw almost. Seth and I have been...not necessarily arguing... but still reopening old wounds since Friday. And it's hard on me. I'm so tired of it. It's been a year and this hurt still has not dulled. I'm beginning to wonder if it ever will. I think about how much I have forgiven him for over the years, and I think maybe this was just one too many.
I always hated the phrase "Love means never having to say you're sorry." I always felt that Love meant Wanting to say that you are sorry. But now I'm starting to get what it means. If you love someone, you shouldn't have to apologize for hurting them in the same way over and over. You should love them enough to not hurt them that way more than once.
Seth does seem remorseful this time. But it doesn't effect me. I can't count all of the times before when I knew he was sincere...and yet it didn't change anything. I feel like such a fool sometimes.
I told him that I wanted to move home. And that I wanted to go without him. I explained to him my reasons, and how I wanted it to be a permanent move, which I know his psyche wouldn't handle well, and that if I went it would be without him. He got mad of course, and pretty much told me to go if I was going to. But I am trying to do this smart. I don't want to be rash because I don't have a place to land if I fall.I need to do this as responsible as possible since it's not just me who will be effected.
It's been nice in many ways to just tell Seth what I am thinking and how I feel without holding back something that I think might hurt him. And yet...It's made me feel too exposed. I don't want him to know that much about how I feel. It just leaves me open for more ways to get hurt.
So we sleep in separate rooms. We try to be respectful of the others boundaries. We do our best to keep Caden as oblivious as possible. Seth spends nights down in the bay area working. And Caden leaves tonight for his grandparents. So maybe I will have the time to put myself back together. Sew myself closed so all of the sensitive spots stop hurting so much.
So far the hardest part is not having someone to touch. I spent my whole life sharing a bed, growing up with 3 siblings. And now I don't have anyone to hug.
I miss you Nikki. I think about my head on your shoulder, and it makes me not feel so lonely. I can't wait to see you and Bo, and get all the hugs I need.