Once again it is late at night and I am all alone.
For some reason it's what I keep coming back to.
I have bad days.
Pretty much every day is a bad day honestly.
I don't understand why it feels like I am the only one in this who has bad days.
I cry on my way to work, during my lunch break, in bed while falling asleep, and usually for some reason or another while I am at work. But it seems like it's just me.
It feels like this horrific tragedy happened but I am the only one who can see it!
Some days it's like I am screaming under water.
It hurts so much some days that I just want to give up. I want to scream and yell and change my mind about the divorce, ANYTHING to end this pain. But I know that it would only be a temporary fix. I know when I am having a reasonable moment that it would only be a temporary fix.
But I hate it.
And I wish I wasn't alone in the bad days.
I am pretty sure I need to convert to Catholicism as well.
Because I can find any way to blame myself for pretty much everything.
I look at my life failing around me and all I can think of are the things I should have done better.
I wasn't even the one who was unfaithful!!
But I guess it's easier to blame myself, because there is no reason to blame him when all it will do is make me mad. And then he will shut down. And everything goes down hill from there.
I feel like everything running smoothly is based off of how I act and respond.
Like I am not allowed to go crazy for awhile.
Because it all comes down to how I react.
For now I guess I will sit on the couch with my pupcakes and drink too much wine and watch crappy tv and pretend that I am ok with being alone and react the way I am supposed to when morning comes.