Not Feeling Too Country Strong Tonight...Again.
Tonight I watched a really sad movie. (Not my intent... I thought it was supposed to be heart warming)
A husband and wife had drifted a part.... They found more reasons to hate and distrust each other than being in love. Eventually she killed herself and he was left to realize what he lost. I kept thinking...
"Why didn't they just get divorced?"
Because neither one of them could stand to live without the other one, even though living together meant they were miserable.
And it made me wonder... What's worse... Death or Divorce?
Granted, I have never lost a spouse to death, but I have lost important people to death.
I know that stabbing, almost physical pain that comes. Knowing you will never see that person again, or hear their voice, or share anything with them again.
But I also know how that pain fades.
......I feel like I don't know how to write the rest of this without seeming insensitive.
Well I think you all know where I am going with this. Maybe the pain fades over time because that person isn't in front of you and just out of reach every single day.
Instead of having to let go and disconnect from someone who is physically gone and never coming back, I have to try to separate myself from someone who is right in front of me every single day. And I am not getting over losing someone who was lost to all of us unexpectedly... I have lost someone simply because they no longer wanted to be married to me. And I am in this loss alone. I honestly don't know how to do it.
I know, they all say the pain will fade. That at some point I will look back at this time and see how far I've come and what I have survived... But right now it doesn't feel that way. Right now it just feels raw and in my face daily.
I guess the only thing that is left to be said tonight is that I really hope this is all worth it in the end. I truly do want to see myself out of all of this pain and sadness and into something very happy.
6 comments:
aw hon, i'm sorry you're having a rough time right now
:( i hope that you start to feel better soon! :)
Divorce is a grieving process not at all unlike that of a death. Give yourself time. It feels raw because it is still raw and that's okay. Today doesn't have to be any more than what it is...today...even if that means its raw.
I am speaking from experience here. I was divorced from my 1st husband. He was cheater. I was widowed-2nd husband. Divorce is worse, at least in my case. When my 2nd husband died, I knew how much he loved me. A divorce seems much worse because you are-in essence-being rejected by someone you loved. It is a horrible feeling.
I've been through divorce, and then I lost the King.
I will take a divorce every time.. if I ever married, and he said he was sick.. I would divorce the rat bastard.. and here is why..
When you divorce, there is a place to aim the anger and you can do it with feeling bad.. Try it.. stand right there and call your ex a Son Of A Bitch that tore your heart out..
yea,, feels good doesn't it..
Well, you can't do that if they die.. it just makes you feel guilty AND sad...
I say Divorce..
Besides, if you kill em, you pry get caught, and go to prison and end up Big Bertha's bitch...
so.. Divorce..
and, since I hadn't read Middle child when I posted.. you have to understand..
I divorced them... I rejected their fat ass cheating ways...
so I didn't feel the rejection that middle child did.. I just felt the anger that someone I loved ripped my heart out with their actions..
well ill tell you, i was seperated from the love of my life, my dh. for a few years. We stayed best friends tho. And then 16months ago, he died of stage 4 colon cancer. It was quick, 10 months of hell and then he was gone. Gone forever. I'd say death is way worse. I cant see him, hear him, talk to him, tell him hes a jerk lol, he isnt on this earth anymore and its way more hell than us seperating. You will get through it. Shit if i got through both ordeals, you;ll be fine!!
Luv T.
http://thelattemommy.blogspot.com/
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