I had a horrible dream last night.
I was in a hospital. I think I was going there for some testing. But the nurse came back to me and said they couldn't give me the test because it would hurt the baby.
What baby I asked? The one in your tummy she smiled and said. No, there is a mistake. I have an IUD. I can't be pregnant. It's impossible. Well it's not, she countered. And you need to calm down or you will hurt the baby.
Baby...How the hell I thought. I looked to my left and Seth was smiling. You I thought. How did you do this to me.
I was mad. I was so angry. A baby would ruin everything. No one would want me if I had another baby. I wouldn't even want me.
I threw such a fit that a nurse sent Seth away and came to calm me down. We talked and I told her this was the worst thing that could happen to me. She said she would lie and say it was an anomaly and I made an appointment to come in the next day and have an abortion.
No doubts in my mind. I needed this "thing" gone. And I would do whatever was needed to make it so.
I woke up at 5 am sweating and shaking. I don't agree in any of that. Least of all an abortion. But in my dream I was so sure and convinced. And nothing would stop me from getting what I wanted.
That scared me the worst. That level of selfishness. I have never ever been like that in my life. It's so unnerving to think I'm even close to capable of it. Even in just a dream.
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