Selfish
I had a horrible dream last night.
I was in a hospital. I think I was going there for some testing. But the nurse came back to me and said they couldn't give me the test because it would hurt the baby.
What baby I asked? The one in your tummy she smiled and said. No, there is a mistake. I have an IUD. I can't be pregnant. It's impossible. Well it's not, she countered. And you need to calm down or you will hurt the baby.
Baby...How the hell I thought. I looked to my left and Seth was smiling. You I thought. How did you do this to me.
I was mad. I was so angry. A baby would ruin everything. No one would want me if I had another baby. I wouldn't even want me.
I threw such a fit that a nurse sent Seth away and came to calm me down. We talked and I told her this was the worst thing that could happen to me. She said she would lie and say it was an anomaly and I made an appointment to come in the next day and have an abortion.
No doubts in my mind. I needed this "thing" gone. And I would do whatever was needed to make it so.
I woke up at 5 am sweating and shaking. I don't agree in any of that. Least of all an abortion. But in my dream I was so sure and convinced. And nothing would stop me from getting what I wanted.
That scared me the worst. That level of selfishness. I have never ever been like that in my life. It's so unnerving to think I'm even close to capable of it. Even in just a dream.
4 comments:
Dreams hold our worst fears, have you thought about the symbolism behind it? I hope you sleep better tonight.
What are your honest thoughts of the symbolism here? I am too scared to focus too hard but I would love to hear someone Else's thoughts.
Take into consideration I am completly outside the situation and don't know how to analyze dreams. That said, I think the fear in the dream has to do with your current struggles. The baby in the dream is a representation of something that permenently ties you back into everything negative you are trying to escape. The baby changes everything, you can't leave, and because of it no one will want you. I think you are worried some things in your life now are preventing you from getting what your soul needs. I don't think you were being selfish, you were fighting for your life, fighting to break free. But as I said, take all this with a grain of salt :)
lol No worries. I was just curious for an outsiders opinion. And I think you are dead on. Your last line about fighting for my life....that really struck a cord.
Thank you so Much Eva!
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