Sunday, March 14, 2010

It's the 14th already?!?! NOOOOOOOOO!

Two more days and it will be the 16th and I will be heading back to Sacramento.
I'm not ready.
The last time I was here, I saw all of my family, visited friends, and traveled all over NW Ark. And yet....this visit I feel as though I am home.
I can't stand the thought of leaving Bo and Nikki. Going back to email fwds and text messages. I want to stay here. I keep thinking about having my own little place, Caden and Bailey starting kindergarten together, at the same elementary school my brother went to.
It just feels right.
But no. I'll be flying on Tuesday. Into a big city that I hate. Living in a huge apartment complex that makes me feel claustrophobic. My apartment that is ugly. To a life in general that threatens to drown me in misery.
As you can see....I'm jumping for joy.
However....I am very excited to see my son. I made a huge error in not bringing him with me. He would have had so much fun and I am miserable without him. He sounds so depressed when I talk to him on the phone and that little catch in his voice makes me cry everytime. I know that the moment I am holding him in the airport I will start crying. I can't wait! lol
Nikki says over and over again that just me being here has done so much for her. She feels like she has energy. She is wearing makeup and dressing girly. Her house is clean. lol I'm glad I could do things for her. Because she has done so much for me. She is always my soft place to land. I feel sometimes as though I take advantage of her listening ear.
This last week and a half I have smiled and laughed and felt loved and at home more times than I have in the last 2 years. And I have this big hole in my chest thinking about leaving.
I am really hoping that sometime soon I can come back here. Permanently.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

I want...

I want to be irrational.
I want to be selfish.
I want to be loved.

I want to scream that you're mine.
I want to be free of this empty ache.
I want to not hear your voice or remember
your stories.
I want to be strong enough to do the right thing.
I want to be strong enough to forget about being right.


I walk around the room.
It's funny how these silly things remind me of you.
And I have this hole in my chest.
But I guess you know me good enough that you know the rest.

If it makes it all right,
I'll spend the night with you dear.
If you'd only reappear.
Cause everything reminds me of you.
And That's just gonna take a little getting used to.
That's just gonna take a little getting used to.

And when I had to ask you why,
I'd remind you of what you said to me.
And how you said it to me that night.
And if you had to ask me when,
I'd remind you of how you kissed me.
When I held you back then.

But if it makes it all right,
I'll spend the night with you dear
If you'd only reappear!
Cause everything reminds me of you.
And that's just gonna take a little getting used to.
That's just gonna take a little getting used to.

Love is built kiss by kiss.
Just like a house, brick by brick,
So it has to be undone.
And you got your sad eyes to hide behind.
And you got your lies and Lord knows that I've got all mine.
 But if it makes it all right,
I'll spend the night ...with you dear.
We should never disappear.
Cause everything reminds me of you.
And that's just gonna take a little getting used to.
Cause everything reminds me of you.
And that's just gonna take a little getting used to.
That's just gonna take a little getting used to.

I wish it would pour rain today.

I need a hard rain. Something to take my mind off all of the crap from today. My head throbs from crying and all I want to do is anything that can take my mind off of this. I have less than 4 days left to be with my best friend...and all I can do is try to stop crying and heal myself enough to smile....
I had to do a horrible thing today. Something that is literally breaking my heart.... I had to give up a friend. A really really good one. And the only reason I can think of was so that they wouldn't get hurt.
And I hate this!!! And I hate the person making me do this. Because that person isn't worth it. And probly won't be in my life much longer. And yet.....I have been here before. And I know how bad my friend could be hurt. And I know how bad things could go if I don't this. So for my friend and for my son I am hurting myself and changing myself....which is something, Seth, that you can't do.
Yes I know you're reading this. And I hope HOW I AM FEELING is coming across loud and clear for you this time. I hope you can see it, smell it and taste it. I hope it reverberates in your soul and leaves a mark. Something to think about. I have done what you can't. I love someone else so much that I gave up what I wanted to keep from hurting them.
So say whatever nasty hurtful things you want to. I am still stronger than you.
But you know that already don't you? Which is why you have done what you could to be controlling in whatever ways you could. You might have the friends, and the family to help hold your hand....but I am still stronger. And if you want to make this a huge fight... You're going to get hurt. I spent my entire childhood being pushed around by bullies. I deserve to be a happy adult.

I had to do something horrible today....I'm sorry.

No regrets.

I told myself  "No regrets."
But now you're gone and I am sitting here wondering why.
Everything we talked about.
It's been so long since I have seen you.
But my memories remained so sweet.
You walked in and I felt like I was stepping back in time.
And I really didn't want you to go.
All the things I didn't do.
All the things I didn't say.
They keep going through my head and I know I won't sleep tonight.
No regrets I said.
But I let you drive away.....

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Pee Styles of the Not so Rich and Famous

As you all can see....We probly shouldn't be allowed around a video camera.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


I am an idealist.
1.a person who cherishes or pursues high or noble principles, purposes, goals, etc.
2.a visionary or impractical person.
3.a person who represents things as they might or should be rather than as they are.
4.a writer or artist who treats subjects imaginatively.
Surprised? No of course not.
I had a friend tell me today that they are a Realist. Seeing the world for what it is. They are much braver than I am.
I don't think I see the world for what it is though. But how I wish it would be.

1. One whose conduct is influenced by ideals that often conflict with practical considerations.

2. One who is unrealistic and impractical; a visionary.
3. An artist or writer whose work is imbued with idealism.

I live for my imagination. It's what helps me get through the day. And then of course, when my emotions overwhelm me, and my tender heart bleeds, I turn to a book to provide the imagination for me.

I've given up.

You have me so worn out I don't know what to do.
My bed and my tears keep calling to me.
I've given up.
You have bathed my sunlight in dark clouds.
And I wish I was strong enough to fall asleep
and not wake up.
Do you know that you make me so disheartened that I want to give up?
That you tear me up inside so completely that I don't think it's worth the effort to put myself back together?
I hate this.
And I hate you.
But I wish I hated you enough that it was fuel.
That I could ride that power and shred you.
But instead I have just given up.
Please just accept that, and stop trying to hurt me.

Just walk away.

Both of us standing here struggling for purchase.
Just walk away.
We each want the upper hand on the other.
Just walk away.
Flinging words like rocks, trying to seriously maim.
Just walk away.
Stepping on each .other's hearts.
Just walk away.

You know that I would rather love you.
Collapse into the comfort.
But now's the time
to walk away.
I don't want to do this part. The screaming and angry words.
Let's just agree to disagree, divide the leftovers
and walk away.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Cigarettes- The Wreckers

Got my headlights shining,
Down an old dirt road.
Smoke my cigarettes.
I should quit, I know.
The radio's playing,
Old Country songs.
Someone's leaving,
Someone's cheating,
On and on.
I think I might like
The quiet nights.
Of this empty life.
'Cause someday, maybe,
Somebody will love me like I need.
And someday I won't have to prove,
'Cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then
I'll do just fine on my own.
With my cigarettes,
And this old dirt road.
See I left another
Good man tonight.
I wonder if he'll miss me.
Lord knows I tried.
But I think that maybe
The thing that I did wrong.
Was put up with his bullshit
For far too long.
I ain't gonna sleep.
I don't wanna dream.
About this things that I used to need.
I ain't gonna cry.
Or go on living lies.
I'm just gonna drive.
'Cause someday, maybe
Somebody will love me.
Someday I won't have to prove
All my worth but until then
I'll do just fine on my own.
With my cigarettes.


Old Dirt Road.

Small town shining, down this old dirt road.
My memory's saying something, but I don't know.
It's the sweetest little dream.
Going home and finding me.
This old dirt road is calling me,
Calling me home.
Never know what you might find.
Not even sure where it will take me this time.
But it smells so sweet,
and feels like home.
Cool greens and warm yellows.
Soft browns and true blues.
Colors of my home.
Wrap myself up in them like a blanket,
ready to keep me safe.
Wishin you were here to see me learn and feel at home.
Hopin this old dirt road will call to you too.
Call you home.

Monday Monday.....

What a Monday.
I am such a zombie today. But it was worth it. Surprise surprise.....Alcohol was not involved. We had a great day at Nik's parent's house. The food her mom made was out of this world amazing. I can't remember the last time I was that stuffed. I got to talk to Nik's niece, Krystin. Who is no longer this budding teenager, but a grown married woman. (...Is feeling nostalgic.) Then Krystin and I rode her horse which was fun, and apparently earned me stupid points in Nik's book cause she thinks the horse is evil. But whatever. I got to see her Sister's Bunnies, which really are adorable! I got to hold one of the freshly born, and even though it PEED all over my hand, lol to where it dripped off my hand and formed a puddle. But it was so cute that I didn't care.
Then we sat in the frontyard and drank ice tea and talked, and watched the kids play. IT WAS WONDERFUL!
When we came home the goal was to let the baby sleep then go to Walmart to finish our grocery shopping that had been so rudely interupted the day before. FAT CHANCE!!
You get all of us relaxed and talking (Yes we actually did allow Bo to get a word in edgewise.) before we knew it hours had flown by, again, and we were SURPRISINGLY hungry. So Bo, as the absolute sweetie that he is, went and got us Chinese food! Yum! So then we sat and talked more and more and more, until Bo finally went to be at 11:30, since he does have a job to go to in the morning. lol Nik and I stayed up to FINALLY do our VLogging!!!
We started out sitting and writing down what we wanted to talk about, cause we really do need an outline to follow-as you will see, but we had the camera running so that we could get used to the camera and play around with it....which resulted in 30 minutes of hilarity! There was laughing so hard that we cried, that we couldn't speak, that we woke the baby, that we kept Bo up....yeah. It was perfect. Too bad I got cocky...
I mentioned She Who Will Not Be Named, and then when Nik told me not to say her name...I did. And after about 30 minutes when we decided to end it and upload it we discovered that the camera had froze at 4 minutes. Not only that we had to pull the battery out to get it to unfreeze and we lost those 4 minutes!!
So we re did it and now Nik has to upload it so that we can share the hilarity with you all!
Anywho we finally went to bed a 3:30 am, and now we are struggling to wake up so that we can get stuff done.
We will be cleaning the house.
We will finish our grocery shopping.
We will cook a weight watchers approved Dinner. (Uck)
We will be kising Bo's ass all day.

Lol See? We need to wake up!!!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Not sure how to feel...

I am still reeling in some ways from yesterday.
And I am not completely sure why.
I has psyched myself up, as much as I could of ocurse, to try to be ready to see whomever I saw. (mainly from my family)
But of course I freaked myself out every time the door to the clothes store opened, or we turned a corner at WalMart. I kept thinking that I was nervous for the upand coming confrontation. Then it hit me, I'm afraid of none at all. What's run into my mom and sister and have them completely go off on me? Or have them treat me like I don't exist? I know how to get mad and yell and cause a scene and make them feel like shit too. But if they just completely ignored me.....well I know that eventually I would feel some relief, but for a long time I would be a broken person.
We did however run into The Witch and her Husband. This woman is evil. She studied the Druid religion and honestly believes she is a witch. She once stole Seth's wedding ring, which was a gift to me from my Great Grandpa and was also something that he had made before he died, just so she could put a hex on us. A HEX!!! She threatened to set another fellow tenant in our complex on fire. And that doesn't even come close to describing all of the pain and misery she put Nik through.
We were ready to see everyone...but her.
So we came home and drank.
OH...and I was so excited to have my fun flirt buddy, Rod...and that totally fell through. He apparently wanted more than flirting, this I was not aware, and he went so far that he upset his brother Bo with how he was acting. Horrible, Horrible, Horrible.
Last night laying in bed I realised just how long 12 days is. I miss my baby Caden. I was thinking about some of my friends that I was missing, and then I thought about Caden and cried. 12 days seems so long to be without him. And I am just praying that my mother in law is not being a bitch because I am gone and won't have him call me or his friends often enough.
Off to Nik's parents place for lunch!!! And I get to be the bible thumper to her ignorant sister!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Purple mashed potatoes, broken dishwashers, chinese buffet in a thunderstorm, books the dog chewed on, bbq shrimp, and a drunken game of golf!

The lyrics "...These are a few of my favorite things!" Keeps running through my head as I write this. I can't remember the last time I felt this relaxed. Which is shocking considering that Nik and I are gonna be heading to WalMart soon, and in this town that's gonna be interesting. So many people that I could possibly run into. Least of all my parents. Now, I never called my mother and told her personally that I was coming out here, however I told so many friends and family that I am sure she has been told. Why didn't she call or text or email to ask me? Well my idea is cause she knew I wouldn't have Caden with me, and really what is the point of seeing your oldest child if she hasn't brought your only grandchild with her? Am I slighted? Not in the least. I am actually kinda relieved.
I am slightly paranoid of seeing my first stepdad though. I'm not scared of him, I am scared of what I will do to him. Nikki already has 911 on speed dial just in case. And she is ready to switch her engine into Bitch mode when the moment arises. And the bestity best part of it all? I can come home to Bo and Nikki and fall apart in complete safety. That is something money can't buy.
Have I mentioned yet that I am completely in love with my lovely Niece and Nephew? I am.
They are little dolls. And every word that comes out of their mouths leaves me fully smitten. My baby niece Jocelyn is so yummy! I could eat her. And then be completely happy if her adorable little cankles went straight to my ass. I know she would be fattening but worth it!! I got to feed her yogurt this morning and she talked to me the whole time about the strawberry on the container. She fell in love with my dark purple toenails yesterday. She kept saying "witty" Which meant pretty. So we painted hers too!! And she impressed us all with how still she sat.
I have prided myself on not feeling that urge to have more children so strongly that I do something I'll regret 9 months later. Don't get me wrong, I have wanted a baby. But I want a girl, and I don't have near enough money to have a girl. ;-) BUT...Jocelyn's baby smell is intoxicating. And I just want to pack her up in my suit case and take her home! LIGHTBULB! I am gonna be a wreck when I go back home....and for more reasons than I thought.
Lightbulb.....I more than kinda want a baby. Someone shoot me now.
OK...back to the real world.
Nikki's brother in law is coming over later. Now Rod is a cowboy cassanova hands down. He is a man whore but he flirts so cutely that you almost don't mind. I think it's always irked him that his charm never worked on me however. He is fun to flirt with, but I always tell him no. Anywho, he seems to have been counting down till I got here...intersting. Then today he called Bo and asked if  "His girlfriend was there." lol Oh tonight is going to be fun!

Friday, March 5, 2010

First day in Arkansas....

So it's my first day back home and I am lovin it!! (Don't get me wrong...I am missing Caden and Taicie like crazy!!) But It is so nice to be home and be with Nik. The best thing about being with Nik and Bo is that it's like I never left. It's been a year and a half since I have spoken to Bo but we pick right back up as if we hang out every day. LOVE IT!!
We have been trying to come up with ideas for our Vlogging all day but we keep getting sidetracked. One time for two hours and I had completely forgotten what we had been originally talking about! So any ideas from the peanut gallery?!
BTW Nik's messy house has been making me insane!!! OMG Toys and filth everywhere!!! I just don't think I can live in this!!!
lol No not even close. Her house is comfy and lived in and while partially cluttered with kids toys it's completely sanitary!!  And I give it an A+. Which is saying something.
Oh back to our first we ate Long John Silvers, from the LJS that I used to work at, and it was heavenly. Joygasm in every bite!! And I am slightly ashamed to say that I burped later, in front of everyone, but the sad part was that I moaned aloud without realising!!! lol HEY IT WAS GOOD. Don't judge me.
I don't want to go to bed cause I don't want to miss a moment with them...but I want to wake up so that our new day and fun can start!!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Care to see a silly video of me?

If you would like to witness a goofy reunion betwenn Nikki and myself after a year and a half a part then please accompany me to Nik's blog!
She put this together herself. I am quite proud!

Nikki's Blog- OUR DAY!

I'M HOME!!!!!

Written earlier while flying-
The earth really does look like a patchwork quilt. I am currently flying above Colorado and I'm thinking about how small I feel right now. Flying over houses and farms. Someone's shop, animals, children, they are all below me. And here I sit, full of my own self worth. While billions of people below me have no idea that I exist. Or that I am thinking of them. Wondering who they are, what their lives are like.
I am an hour and a half from Nikki and Bo and my precious nephew  and niece. I can't believe this day has finally arrived. So many things I want to do. By the time you all read this I will have gotten through the initial shock, joy, tears and happiness. But I know as I post this I will stop and look at Nikki, and make sure I am not dreaming.
She will talk my ear off about how her house is not in order for me, and I will tell her to can it, cause in all honestly who gives a crap about her house when I am with her?

As  I am writing this i am talking to Bo and looking at Nik and feeling like I am in a dream. I have been thinking of sitting here and talking with them for so long that it's hard to believe that it's FINALLY, actually happening!!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Sara Bareilles - In Your Eyes

My theme song for the day. I could listen to this over and over.

Monday, March 1, 2010

I am going crazy. I just know it.

Today is an off day for me. Well that's putting it nicely. Today is not at all going as planned. Mainly cause I had things to do. And yet here I am at 3:30 (HOLY SHIT ITS 3:30!!! DAMMIT 5 TIMES!!) I am still in my PJ's. But I am out of bed. Which doesn't really count. Cause I only got out of bed since Taicie threw up on my bed. Nap time started at 1:30 today for Caden. And I thought I would curl up on the couch with my blanket and watch a sad movie and get the tears out. blanket has dog throw up on it. And thinking about it makes me feel too scared to cry. Actually it just makes me feel scared period. All I need is just the thought that my bed and my blanket is right there, ready for me to jump into at any moment. But right now it's not....and I am needing it....and it's not there.
Yes I know this is all just some surface issue and that there is something bigger going on here but I don't have my blanket and so I don't want to face any of it. I don't want to think about it. Or figure out what it is. I just want my blanket and I want to cry over some dumb movie so that I can trick myself into thinking that I only cried because of the movie and that now that I have cried I am ok.

Pierre felt left out of the first picture.
I feel like a crazy person.
I know...I sound like one too.

Love me for me.

Love me, not because you see my pretty face.
But because only you can read the emotions that flit across it.
Love me, not because I'm well read.
But because of how my smile never leaves when I'm holding a new book.
Love me, not because I was taught to be a good wife.
But because when I clean my house I feel complete. And when I cook you dinner I feel like I could accomplish world peace.
Love me, not because my words move you.
But because I can write and be honest with myself.
Love me, not because I paint my nails.
But because I'm not afraid to get dirt under them when I am gardening.
Love me, not because you think I'm cute when I say I miss my blanket.
But because it really does comfort me to have it.
Love me, not because I have lived everywhere.
But because each town and home holds good and bad memories and they make me who I am.
Love me, not because I believe in God.
But because I struggle each day to understand him and make him my friend.
Love me, not because we can talk about anything.
But because I really try to understand where you are coming from.
Love me, not because I made the effort to find my father.
But because it still kills me that I lost him for so long.
Love me, not because I cry easily.
But because my tears are genuine and can't be controlled.
Love me, not because I carry pen and paper everywhere.
But because I search for the perfect pen and writing book.
Love me, not because I am the force of a tornado.
But because I truly am a mess.
Love me, not because I love the rain.
But because when I am standing in it and feeling it run down my body, I am truly happy.
Love me, not because I'm an animal person.
But because I know it's my job to love each creature.
Love me, not for what I say that makes you smile.
But for what I don't say that would make you cry.
Love me, not because I am a cheerful person.
But because when I have a day full of tears I know I will be happy again.
Love me, not because I promised you forever.
But because I worry everday that I will not be able to live up to it.
Love me, not for what I have overcome.
But for what I have yet to deal with.
Love me, not for what I have fixed about myself.
But because I know I am still broken and that only I can fix myself.
Love me, not because of how I turn you on.
But because of how nervous I get when I make love.

Love me, Just love me for me.
Love me for the imperfect mess of a woman that I am.
Love me.
Or leave me alone.

My 201st post.

In typical me fashion my  201st post isn't something poetic. It's just more me trying to survive. Same as my 200th post.

The wedding was perfect. One of the most beautiful I have been to, and I am really happy my sister in law had a great day.
I am still trying to cope with my emotional side of the weekend. I teared up a few times but kept it in check.
I feel like I'm waiting till I am in Nikki's arms before I just completely lose it. My bestest friend who has never judged me or wanted anything other than my love from me. She is the best. lol And I am repaying her love with coming emotionally unhinged when I see her for the first time in a year and a half.
But because she really is the bestest she will tell me that it's ok and that she has been waiting for this, and that it's the reason she has two shoulders .
Ok so for purely my sake I need to write the hard stuff....
I hate the saying of the vows at a wedding. All I can think is "well we shall see if you mean it." I hate the father/daughter dance. My father in law is the closest thing I have ever had to a dad, and I about lost it watching him and Sis dancing. Even now...but at least I am at home and can cry in private....
I really hate weddings. I don't know why I go. I love to go and help set up, do the flowers, last minute cake fixes, straighten the grooms tie and make him laugh, help the bride get her dress on....but I need to leave when the music starts.
I think I would make the best wedding planner, but I couldn't stay to watch.

So today I am trying to enjoy my little munchkin and get ready for my trip.  It's not easy...Caden and I have upset tummies. And apparently so does Taicie since she couldn't make it off the bed and threw up on my blanket.MAJOR TEARS!!! I need my blanket and coffee in the morning. Nikki knows...
I come stumblin out of my room, hair lookin like I had crazy monkey sex all night. I stop and drop my blanket at the bathroom door to blankets in the bathroom YUCK! then I wrap myself up like a taco, pour some coffee, sit down on the couch with my feet tucked up under me, deeply inhale the coffee steam, and as my eyes start to clear I look around and say goodmorning.
It really is quite a show! Seriously...Nikki should like record it or something cause it's entertaining.
Well I have a few ideas in my head for other blogs....time to explore my creativity.