I'm not ready.
The last time I was here, I saw all of my family, visited friends, and traveled all over NW Ark. And yet....this visit I feel as though I am home.
I can't stand the thought of leaving Bo and Nikki. Going back to email fwds and text messages. I want to stay here. I keep thinking about having my own little place, Caden and Bailey starting kindergarten together, at the same elementary school my brother went to.
It just feels right.
But no. I'll be flying on Tuesday. Into a big city that I hate. Living in a huge apartment complex that makes me feel claustrophobic. My apartment that is ugly. To a life in general that threatens to drown me in misery.
As you can see....I'm jumping for joy.
However....I am very excited to see my son. I made a huge error in not bringing him with me. He would have had so much fun and I am miserable without him. He sounds so depressed when I talk to him on the phone and that little catch in his voice makes me cry everytime. I know that the moment I am holding him in the airport I will start crying. I can't wait! lol
Nikki says over and over again that just me being here has done so much for her. She feels like she has energy. She is wearing makeup and dressing girly. Her house is clean. lol I'm glad I could do things for her. Because she has done so much for me. She is always my soft place to land. I feel sometimes as though I take advantage of her listening ear.
This last week and a half I have smiled and laughed and felt loved and at home more times than I have in the last 2 years. And I have this big hole in my chest thinking about leaving.
I am really hoping that sometime soon I can come back here. Permanently.