I wish it would pour rain today.

I need a hard rain. Something to take my mind off all of the crap from today. My head throbs from crying and all I want to do is anything that can take my mind off of this. I have less than 4 days left to be with my best friend...and all I can do is try to stop crying and heal myself enough to smile....
I had to do a horrible thing today. Something that is literally breaking my heart.... I had to give up a friend. A really really good one. And the only reason I can think of was so that they wouldn't get hurt.
And I hate this!!! And I hate the person making me do this. Because that person isn't worth it. And probly won't be in my life much longer. And yet.....I have been here before. And I know how bad my friend could be hurt. And I know how bad things could go if I don't this. So for my friend and for my son I am hurting myself and changing myself....which is something, Seth, that you can't do.
Yes I know you're reading this. And I hope HOW I AM FEELING is coming across loud and clear for you this time. I hope you can see it, smell it and taste it. I hope it reverberates in your soul and leaves a mark. Something to think about. I have done what you can't. I love someone else so much that I gave up what I wanted to keep from hurting them.
So say whatever nasty hurtful things you want to. I am still stronger than you.
But you know that already don't you? Which is why you have done what you could to be controlling in whatever ways you could. You might have the friends, and the family to help hold your hand....but I am still stronger. And if you want to make this a huge fight... You're going to get hurt. I spent my entire childhood being pushed around by bullies. I deserve to be a happy adult.

I had to do something horrible today....I'm sorry.


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