Friday, February 26, 2010

Tears go away. Come again another day

Today is a stress day for me. My sis in law's wedding is tomorrow and I cant handle it. Have I mentioned I hate weddings? More than twice? Well here comes a third.

I hate weddings. Mainly for selfish reasons. This one is hard because Seth is in it. His fourth to be in. And as I have said Im so jealous of that I can barely see straight. Horrible person? Yes I am. Fuck you too.

So its making everything else hell for me. Right now I am off to DMV because my wonderful husband (insert sarcasm here) did not tell me I needed to renew my license. Which I need to be let on the plane!!! And he just told me that he has to do his he will probly pay for his and not do mine. So I am trying to at least get an id card.


I am so emotional I am on the verge of tears and hyperventilating.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

What I Hope to Find


Every time I look at you the world just melts away.
All my fears dissolve in your affections.
You've seen me at my weakest, but you take me as I am.
And when I fall you offer a safe place to land.

You stay the course you hold the line, you keep it all together.
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in.
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me.
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in.

Friday, February 19, 2010


I have been thinking about hands.
I have small hands.
Small hands, long fingers, tiny wrists.
"My hands are small I know but they're not yours, they are my own."
Hands can express so much.
Holding a hand.
Conveying love, need, support...with the simplest touch.
"God has given us two hands, one to receive with and one to give with."
My hands can wash what's dirty,
rub oil into tight muscles,
comfort after nightmares,
pull you in for a kiss,
and seduce you with a pen.
"I love a hand that meets my own with a grasp that causes some sensation."
I remember holding Caden's hand when he was born.
I didn't count his fingers.
Just marveled at the little pink shell of a nail.
And how his eyes lit up when I touched his palm to my lips.
"A friend is someone who reaches for your hand but touches your heart."
I want your hands to tell me the truth.
I want them to say you will stay with me always.
I want to know that I am not loving in vain.
"What I want to see are those hands vowing never to leave my own."


Where'd you go?
The leaves they move too fast.
I was lost looking for your face.
Did you go to catch the lovers lie,
Or to move the stars and put them in place?
Has there been a dream of mine you haven't had too?

I'll keep running ahead of the race,
Just in the hope that I can put a sparkle on your face.
Did you know when you move I breathe?
I'd take blind destiny over empty space.
As my friends slowly fade into ghosts,
I hold on tighter, and struggle for demands.

I'll keep running ahead of the race,
Until I can put a sparkle on your face.

Health Update

I just want to thank all of you who email me privately asking about my health! You have no idea how encouraging it is for me.
Ok So good news frst. I have lost ten more pounds. YAY ME! Which is great cause I have not been on the Metformin in about 2 months.
I have also been off the Welbutrin since Novemeber and have been just fine. Which is a major relief.
My ovaries still give me a lot of pain. Which my doctor can't explain and worries him about how the cancer cells are spreading. Being on the Mirena means that my ovaries should stop functioning...but apparently they don't want to do as they are told. As a matter of fact I have some cysts right now that are hurting like crazy. This last week I have had a few a day. Which of course has made my other sympoms act up.
Like on Wednesday mornind I woke up to one of the discs in my back slipping out of place. SO I spent the last 2 days in bed. And also because my ovaries are so swollen it's been hurting my ulcers. It actually woke me up at 2:30 am last night. I took a pain pill and chewed some gum and just waited for the intense pain and sweats to stop. Seth almost took me to the ER (AGAIN) so that outa show just how bad it was. And my insomnia is back.
All in all everything is really about the same.
I am just trying to live as normally as possible, and work things around my symptoms.
Next month I will have a new doctor, YES, and that will mean new tests and new meds and maybe (Fingers crossed) surgery. I am wondering if I will have to have surgery for this disc that keeps slipping out. Oh well! Right now I am just concentrating on my hormone stuff.
Well that's my update. Thanks again for all the emails friends. You can't know how encouraging they are to me!

Gifts not to buy woman on romantic occasions.

Recently the most romantic Holiday was celebrated. After hearing my friends bitch and brag about what they got or didn't get I decided to make a list of things not to buy a woman on a romantic occasion.
I don't know about the rest of you, but the phrase I hate hearing the most is "Hey I bought you something." Although recently I have come to the decision that it's not just my fault. (After all Seth brought me home something the other day that was not only 4 bucks but was made for a little girl's room. And he thought I should have praised him for his thoughtfulness and generosity.)
ANY WHO.... back to the topic.
Some things should not be bought as a gift. Especially if A) It's for a romantic Holiday. Such as an anniversary, or Vday. B) You have had sex less then 10 times. (Unless it's purely a booty call) or C) You just want to spice things up. (Unless you have talked about this beforehand.)
So let's start with number 1!
1) Anything Crotchless. (Let her buy them and surprise you with them. Admit it...You would like that better!!!)
2) Anything edible. (Seriously the stuff they sell in sex shops is not that tasty! You would be better off with some whipped cream and brownie batter...but it's messy. And she will not want to fall asleep sticky in dirty sheets!)
3) Panties smaller than what she wears. (Seriously... if you have not been shopping at Victoria Secret with her, for panties, and know her EXACT size...DO NOT BUY THEM!  You may think you are being nice by trying to show you think she is smaller than she is...but our minds just go to how horrible we look in too small panties.)
4) Bra that is too big. (The same law applies as above. Buy it too big and we will think you are hinting something at us.)
5) Vibrating Nipple Clamps. (Seriously...this is not romantic. You might as well buy her a pussy pump. EW!)
6) A gift certificate for a wax or laser hair removal. (This is not a romantic gift.  But it is a good gift for me!!! I hate having body hair. lol)
7) Some form of a sexy costume. (Unless she has explicitly asked for one, then ask for her size.)
8) PORN. (I shouldn't have to say anymore.)
9) Paddle/Riding crop. (Seriously, if she is into that she will have one of her own already.)
10) Lapdancing classes. (Again...allow her to surprise you with this one. MUCH BETTER!)
11) Massage oil that doubles as a personal lubricant. (That shit is sticky! UGH!)
12) Anal Beads. (Really... If you haven't talked about this or "done" not surprise her with this!!)
13) Sex Favor Coupons. (These are a gag gift, or something fun for her to get you.)
14) Cheap itchy lingerie. (Even if it won't be on long...not a good idea!)
15) A sex swing/ stripper pole. (This should be a joint purchase. Otherwise it's intimidating.)

Alrighty well....This is my list and reasons. Anything you would like to add?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

My Secret Indulgence....

I have a secret! Shhhh... You can't tell anyone!
I am addicted to wedding shows!!!!
Slightly horrible yes I know.

My favorite one is Say Yes To The Dress.
I love watching brides come in and  try on dresses. It does make me very envious of them...but it's still fun to watch!
I really believe in spending less on the wedding, so that you have that money for your life together. However... a wedding is very very important. I think it's one of the best ways that the two families can get closer together.
It cracks me up how people can spend so much money on little tiny things that don't really matter.
If I was going to go back to school for something I would seriously consider becoming a Wedding planner. Those who don't have weddings plan, yes? lol

So I want to hear about your wedding! What did you like, or not like? What was something you spent money on that was worth it or not?
Or if you have never had a wedding what would be a very important thing to you to have?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Books are my hot hot sex!

Owning over 700 books doesn't mean you always have something to read.
No one understand how I read so fast. Practice I say. The more I do something the better I get. If there was such a thing as being a professional reader I would pwn that job!!!
I get asked a lot what my favorite book is. I actually don't have one. I have favorite authors. Phillippa Gregory, Wilbur Smith, Clive Cussler, Rosalind Miles, Christopher Paolini, Robin Hobb, Phillip Pullman, Tamora Pierce....the list is endless.
I have been told to get rid of some of my books. Nope. Each book I have is a part of me. Some safe haven to venture into when the real world is too much. Every single one of my books has been readt AT LEAST over 4 times. They are like my children.
And when I read a book I don't like I would never ever throw it away. Someone took the time to write it. I will respect it whether it's my views or not.
My Grandmother taught me how to read when I was 3. And ever since I have been addicted. I have even had a book change my life. I have met some of my favorite authors, and those would be some of my favorite memories.
As you can see my book shelf is full. Those books are stacked 3 deep in some places. And I have boxes still to unpack that are full of my books.

I have an Amazon Wishlist set up so I remember what books I want next.
And I have a GoodReads profile so I can rate what I have read and compare books with my friends.
Books keep me sane. More so than singing, but sometimes less than writing.
What are your favorite books? Authors? Book sites?


"Do you want to run away together?"
I would say that was your best line ever.
Too bad I fell for it.
The radio's playin old country songs.
Someone's leavin. Someone's cheatin.
On and on.
I think I might like
the quiet nights of this empty life.
Someday maybe
Somebody will love me like I need.
And someday I'll have nothing to prove
cause somebody will see all my worth.
But until then I'll do just fine on my own.
I think that maybe the thing that I did wrong
was put up with this bullshit for way too long.
I'm not gonna sleep cause I don't want to dream
about the things that I used to need.
I'm not gonna go on living on lies.
I think I might just cry.
I've been wrong but
I've been changing.
And I have been wondering what to do.
Here I am alone and waiting for you.
You don't make this easy you know?
Tryin to tell you what's on my mind.
It's a complicated web,
that you weave inside my head.
Not enough pleasure for all the pain.
It's always just the same.
It's been awhile since I begged for anything.
But now I want more.
So lay me down, cause I'm so lonely.
You don't understand me,
and you never really tried to anyways.
You say that you don't want to hurt me,
That you don't want to see me cry.
So then, why are you still standing here
watching me drown?
You not making up your mind
Is not only killing me but it's
wasting time.
And I need so much more than that.
Do you ever really give up?
Cause I know not to believe anything you say.
And I guess it's just my luck
cause no one else I know gets treated this way.
But I never speak up.
I just try to stay out of the way.
And I wanna know what makes you act like this?
Cause I don't think I can take this shit.
And I walked all this way
waiting for you to catch up and take my hand.
But you just write me off.
Do you know that I cry over you?
But it's not the good kind.
And I am so tired of hiding behind these lying eyes.
And I am so sick of this smile that not even I can
And I keep thinking...
What do you know, at this point, about breaking down that I don't?

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The rain

Take a walk with me love.

You say you can't get enough.

Well you won't, till I can open the door

and give you more of me.

And the silence in my steps,

as I tiptoe around the rest,

Makes me wish you would pull me in

and kiss me again, my friend.

You and your silly games.

And you're not tired.

You could chase me around and debate

here and again.

No lies between us.

Although I am afraid,

I can see that you're the rain.

The rain is gentle some days.

It can clean off the mess that winter made.

The rain can clean away all the years of doubt,

and the tears that were shed.

So look up please.

Shine a little bit of hope to me.

Let me know that there's a season for all.

And a season to call you my love.

This rain will wash me clean.

I know.

And when it does, I'll be right beside you.

Holding on. Holding on.

This rain will wash us clean.

I know.

And when it does, I'll be right beside you.

Holding on. Holding on.

Been more introverted than extroverted...

Recently I have been in my own head more than what is good for me. I have written a few blogs in my head but when it came to posting them...I lost interest.
It's been drama filled.....some so bad that I don't want to write about it because I don't want to remember it.
The biggest puzzle right now....Seth's words last night.
He was irritated that I went out bowling instead of staying in. But he said I could go and I jumped at the chance to get out and work out some agression. But we talked when I got home.
He told me he had realized some things. That he realized that his addiction to pornography had made him view me wrong. And that he was sorry for not viewing me the way he should have.
I asked him exactly what he meant and he repeated himself.
Why do I feel like I am being fed a line? Oh yeah...cause I usually am.
Am I being too hard on him? Part of me is saying that I am....but I don't think so. My gut tells me I that I am not seeing the whole picture here.
This is what I have been waiting for him to say all these years. Waiting for him to realize it.
But the whole time he was talking all I could think of was "It's too late." And I told him that. I said that I was glad he realised that and also that I am sure it was a hard thing to realize but that it wasn't effecting me. That I think it's too late for apologies. He didn't say much more. I didn't want to make him feel like I was shutting him down but he was in the kind of mood that made me feel that I could be honest with him, as long as I was being nice of course.
He is getting depressed and I can see it, and so does he. But I feel like it's his to work out. He said something to me the other day that made me feel like his depressions are my fault...but I think he needs to learn to heal himself.
We had a friend come back into our lives. This friend is a sweetheart who has had rough times his whole life. And some that he brings on his own. He can be very manipulative when he wants to be. He has been staying on the couch the last few days and now of course Seth doesn't want him here. Seth sent me two hours one way in the middle of the night to go rescue him, and then whines at me that he is here. I feel like I have been given attitude all day from Seth about it!
And it's like he wants me to be the mean one and kick him out. That's not me!! And it's not my job! I don't want someone living on my couch either but I can't stand for someone to be homeless.
Ugh I dunno what to do!! I feel like everything I do isn't the right move to make.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Of course!!!

I'm so mad right now.
Had a great productive day, got a ton of stuff from the old place. Hung up my pictures and shelves, Nikki you would love it, and then went bowling and had all my friends over to hang out and have fun... but of course as soon as they all leave the sit hits the fan. And what do you's all about sex.
Honestly I don't know where to begin. Everyone left. I am at the computer looking at facebook, and a friend put some pictures up. And as i am looking through them I realize that my sister is in most of them. I got emotional. It's my baby sister who I miss like crazy.
But Seth is trying to undo my jeans. WTH!?
I'm looking at pictures of my sister and Im crying and I am asking him to please go away and leave me alone but he won't. So I put my jammas on and crawl into bed and then he just wants to argue.
OMG Nikki give me strength because I can't handle this.
Huge fight I am on the couch. I thought that would stop things but it didn't. He came out and was more mad.
I cant do this. My head hurts like crazy and I wish i could stop crying and I am so tired of feeling so alone.
But tomorrow I will have people over and I will drink and smile and laugh and you will never know. You could never guess that all I want to do is cry and hide in my blankets.
And no one will know that Nikki all I want is you to hug me and be my big sister and tell me I can get through this.....again.

Friday, February 12, 2010


I love this picture.
It makes me think of crisp clean air and hard work when you're fingers and toes are frozen and you're barely awake.
It makes me think of getting hay in my hair as I'm trying to feed the horses.
Wet icy hands as I'm breaking up the frozen water in the trough.
Wearing boots, but trying not to slip on the frozen patches. Wishing I was in tennis shoes so I could run and warm myself up.
Making hot chocolate in the cold barn once the begining of my chores were done.
Watching the steam come from a horses nose as they ran along the lunge line.
Running my fingers through the dog's hair to warm up my hands.
It makes me think of the first time I helped a foal being born. So cold that night but the stars shined. She slipped out after hours of pacing. This dark little wet thing with long spindly legs.
My two baby lambs, who lived in a dog crate next to my bed. Their soft curly hair. Their little baby lamb bleats. Their little noses nuzzled into my hands when they were hungry.
Getting dirt and rust under my nails and not caring cause I wanted the excuse to wash my hands with hot water to get feeling in them again.
These things I miss. Almost to the point of tears.

I want to blow this picture up. I want to wrap myself in it until I can see and smell all the things I miss. All the things that make me feel like I'm home. The memories it releases are strong enough to make me smell the air and barn and animals. All these things I miss.
All these things that make me feel like I'm home.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

My Walls

No one knows me here. No one tries to get me. No one wants to figure out who I am or what makes me tick. And I'm just fine with that. They all think it doesn't matter.

I'm just that stupid bitch Seth ran off and married. She probly tricked him into thinking she was pregnant to get him to do it in the first place. Who cares.

I don't have family here. I don't have friends here. Anyone who knows me for me and not for Seth is back home. Back where I belong.

So who the hell are you?

What do you want from me?
I have been down this road. And I have been hurt bad.

And I don't intend on being someone's plaything anymore.

You read me and it's like chunks of my wall is falling off and I can't build it back up fast enough. Soon those tender pieces I need to hide will be exposed and I won't be able to protect them. And when the wall is gone I won't be able to hold myself together anymore.

So what are you doing?

What do you want from me?

I'm fine being who I am. I am just fine being alone. The only one in my walls.


Photograph each day so we can live forever.
Sit in the light to make the dark a little darker
And I dance to move only you,
and I fight to kiss and make up.
I scream for some silence.
I laugh to laugh for once.
So you notice that I'm gone.
And I breathe cause it's necessary,
and then I sigh when I see the moon.
I dream to make life seem less boring...
Until there was you.
And I feel in the absence of heart,
And I beg my eyes not to cry.
I'm a hopeless romantic who's trying to kick the habit.
But all hearts have darts.
Sweet red cherry blossom tree.
That lives in you and Me.
You marked your name,
but I can see,
that it's not on me.
So I've shamelessy gone and made myself come undone.
Heavy hangs my head,
when I'm unhearted.
I wear this Angel's crown to cover up my devil's frown.
And upon my broken chest lay a struggle.
Between lonliness and things that are out of place,
like my head in outer space.
And the carpet you walked on.
And that ceiling that cries
"Please don't walk away."
Sweet red cherry blossom tree.
That lives in you and me.
You marked your name.
But I can see
that it's not on me.
So I've shamelessly gone and made myself come undone.
Heavy hangs my head
when I'm unhearted.
Bellow it out with all the breath in my lungs.
Apologize for all that I've done.
You did a number on me
and a fantastic job.
In the scheme of things we never felt,
when your hearts been breached and your guards been let down.
You've rotten and spoiled me into the ground
and a good mess forgives all the rest we allow.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

All dressed up

All dressed up,
ready to go out and see the town.
But left sitting alone on the couch.
Like some pretty little doll.
No one notices her anymore.
Unless her hair falls flat or her lipstick fades.
If she stood up and left then they would see the empty spot.
Every one loves to have that pretty thing to show off.
Pretty little thing.
Even kinda pretty when she pouts.
So no one cares when a tear slips down.
Just adds to her allure.

Then she sings....

"My love is like a storybook story.

But it's real as the feelings I feel.
But it's real as the feelings I feel."


Through the dark a whisper is heard

a heart skips a beat


Your soft breath moving against my wet skin.

Whsiper my name.

Say it over and over till it becomes the rythm of our bodies.

Whisper in my ear.

A little hole, filled up with all the big words you dare not say out loud.
All the secret spaces that make you whole.
Breathe them into me.
Your whispers filling the holes in my heart.
My tears erasing the lines left between us.
Whispers from your soft lips.

Love is Friendship on Fire.

Who will survive?

In this valley so wide.

You and I have so much love

it burns like fire.

I turn and run.

You could call me back.

But you just watch me move.

I could turn and stay,

but you make me feel so

graceful in motion.

And the power is intoxicating.

I'm becoming someone else.

I know there is really nothing left to say.

But I'm still searching for the words.

You let me go, and the higher I fly,

my kite strings hold me in place.

This love is friendship on fire.

Burning so hot it leaves no ash.

But everytime you step away I lay here smoldering.

My eyes catch the air on fire.

I turn and run to you.


You linger in my mind tonight like a sweet smell.

Chocolate I want to unwrap and savor in my mouth.

The thought of you is so delicious.

I bite my lip to keep from moaning aloud.

Hands touch.

Eyes meet.

Sudden Silence.

Sudden Heat.

Wrapped up in your mind.

I'm wandering aimlessly now.

Longing to discover more of you.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Blaming my mother for Global Warming.

So the other day I was carrying on a conversation with myself. Yes I do that and so do you stop lying. This time I was thinking about my mom. Working through my feelings about her is an ongoing past time of mine.
Do I hate my mother? No. That's too easy. In all fairness I have to think that whatever decisions she made were probly done with the best intentions.
That being said I distinctly remember saying to myself (not outloud cause that's just crazy) That if I so choose I could find a way to blame my mother for global warming. BUT I am better than that.
APPARENTLY though... not everyone is!
First and foremost I am not going to discuss the gas issue. My motto is what happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom.
But seriously... You aren't smart enough to go and Google Global Warming? You have to write to someone and ask them if your personal habits are aiding?
And what daughter ACTUALLY tells their mother it's their fault?
If my mom burnt dinner and she was the only one home it wasn't ever her fault! And I would never blame her for it cause I know that I would get my ass beat.
Seriously I don't know who I want to smack more, the smart mouthed daughter, or the mother who should spend less time being gassy and more time smacking her smart mouthed daughter.

Questions and Answers

Thank you all for being patient while I took seemingly forever to answer all of your questions. Some were harder than most! But here goes:

1) What is one embarrassing story about yourself that every time you hear it you want to crawl into a hole and hide?
This one is hard. My honest answer is when people who have known me my whole life ask me what my wedding was like. I was the girl who had the perfect wedding planned to a T by the time I was 15. To tell people that I ran off to Vegas and was married in Jeans without friends or family present is really hard. It makes me cringe each and every time.
2) If you could be selfish for one day what would you do?
I would sleep. lol ALL DAY LONG! Then I would go and get a Manicure, pedicure and have my hair washed and blowdryed. Then I would go and spend the whole day in a bookstore buying up books that I need for my collections. And I would do it all without asking permission to spend money!

Anonymous 1
Do you have any information on the New Call of Duty?
lol Um no I do not personally. However it is my husband's favorite game. And I do have a detailed list for Modern Warfare, if you are interested. I, personally, don't really play video games. Unless it's super old school. (Mario, Sonic, Kingdom Hearts...ETC)

1)If you could change one decision you have made in your life, would you? Even if it could change everything?
It would really depend on what decision I was changing. But I would probly say yes. I already know what my life is like now. If I could change something and live my life in a very different way I would think that would be a very fun experience!
2)Would you rather be alone or lonely? DO you think there is a difference?
Yes, first of all, I do know there is a difference. I have been completely lonely in a room full of people. So I would choose being Alone. Being alone is a choice, for me anyways. But being lonely seems to be something that I can't help when it does hit me. And I prefer to be in control whenever possible! lol

1) What is your favorite British word?
Bed Clothes. Basically it means the sheets and blankets on your bed. But I always say I need to "Wash my Bed Clothes."
2)When (If ever) is it ok to lie?
Preferably, when you know you won't get caught! lol
An outright lie I don't think is ever ok. I can think of a few times when it has seemed important to do so. When I was working in a hospital I had a patients family member ask me if the patient had been in pain when she died. I told him she went peacefully in her sleep. The truth was his 9 year old daughter had cried and sobbed for hours until she finally went into cardiac arrest and couldn't be saved. The parents were on their way in but didn't make it in time to say goodbye. All I could do is lie and make them feel better.
I don't think lying is ever ok. But we all do it anyways.

1) What is more difficult for you, looking into some one's eyes when you tell them how you feel or looking into some one's eyes when they tell you how they feel?
Def finitely the second one. I like being able to have that connection with someone, looking them straight in the face and letting them know that what I'm saying I really mean. But it's really hard for me to maintain eye contact when someone is telling me how they feel about me. It kind of embarrasses me to hear it.

2) Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? Why?
If I am some one's friend, then I am a dam good friend. It's becoming my friend that's the hard part as I tend to be a tad judgemental and suspicious of new people. But I would want to be my friend because I genuinely care about other people, I would do anything to help a friend, I ask great questions, and I am a whiz at making comfort food!

1)What is Beauty to you?
I think Real beauty has many factors. The people that I consider beautiful are people who take care of themselves.(And I am thinking of personal Hygiene here!) But also people who know how to care for their emotional state, because that radiates an inner beauty. People who know it's ok to cry. People who are comfortable not just giving you a hug but also kissing your cheek or forehead. People who love to express themselves but who don't need to show it off. People who eat healthy and also know how to eat naughty, and enjoy both. Someone who doesn't follow the crowd.
Really someone who is so beautiful on the inside that it makes their outside glow.
2) What is your sense of style?
I don't have one.
There are certain things that I will pull from what's "In now" But then I pair them with what I like, what I feel comfortable in. I love jeans and my Skechers. But I also love to walk the beach in a skirt.
I might look cute one day and ready to get dirty the next.
My sense of style depends on the day and my moods!

Anonymous 2
Do you believe in God?
Yes. I do. I believe that God's name is Jehovah and that he is the author of the Bible. I believe in his son Jesus and the ransom Sacrifice. I also believe that the Bible is relevant for our day.

Where did you grow up and do you have any siblings?
I was born in Vallejo, Ca. But lived in Woodland, Ca. When I was 12 my family moved to Oklahoma and a year later to Arkansas. When I turned 17 I moved back to Woodland, Ca.
I have three siblings. One sister who is 22. A brother who is 21 and a half brother who is 16.

What is your worst habit?
Oh get overwhelmed easily.

What is your saddest memory?
Currently it's a story I half told early in answer to another question. I'll tell the whole story now.
When I was 16 I was working in the ER St. Mary's Hospital in Rogers Ar. as a CNA. One night two men brought in a 9 year old little girl who was bleeding and unconscious. One of the nurses recognized her as a girl who had been kidnapped 4 days earlier from Northern Missouri. She had been brutally raped, at one point with what was later identified as a broken broom handle, to the point where her some of her internal organs were bleeding out. There was nothing anyone ccould do to help her. It was my job to hold her and be with her until her parents could get there. She died 4 hours after I first started holding her. She had been in a lot of pain, and she didn't get to see her parents before she died.
The two men who brought her in were arrested right away. They had come in drunk and high on Meth. And it was later found out that they were the ones who had taken her and abused her. It was a hate crime. They were white. She was black.
Her name was Paulette. And it has taken me almost 9 years to tell that story without crying.

What would you like to do as a career?
Well My first response is Author or Singer. But I would really love to be a therapist. I think I would do really well helping families or children who have suffered from abuse.

Anonymous 3
Why did you start blogging?
My best friend Nikki actually got me started. I have always wrote. I have tons and tons of books that I have filled up with things that I have written. She has been blogging for years and thought that the two of us should do it together since we both are SAHM's and we both suffer from some depression for one reason or another.
I wasn't sure I was going to like it but surprisingly not only do I enjoy it immensly but I have found that it has unleashed a flood of poetry from my fingertips.

Thanks everyone for your questions! Some of you really know how to make me think!

Monday, February 8, 2010

I had a sweet dream.



Pause for breathing.



Cease to exist.

Breath taking.

Heartbeat racing.

Moment Making.



Yet so sureal.

Space and time they blend together.

Hold me now, always and forever.

I can't see you but I can feel you.

And I think your heart still beats true.

Hold me now and silence these words.

Racing through my head.

All the things that we don't say.

All the words that we don't say...

I love you.

Life As I See It.

My love, love, love, love.

What am I searching for.

Same thing as everyone else I think.

The only thing I ever could need.

Only one good thing worth trying to be.


Life As I See It.

I have had so many people tell me that if I wrote a book about my life it would be a best seller and probly a movie. I have to admit the thought is tempting. The closest I have come is to having a title. And I have had that for almost 10 years.

Life As I See It.

I have learned that no matter how flat you make a pancake it always has two sides. And while I will tell you one side is burnt, Nikki will say it tastes great with butter.

No matter what happens one persons version of the story is never the truth. Because they are only telling it as they see it. They might have seen more than someone else, or their feelings may interpret it another way.

I figured the best way to say what I want and not have a hundred people screaming at me is to simply say that this is My life, from my point of view.

Life As I See It.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

When I left home...

When I left home that day I thought of you. I was 17 and scared and walking down the highway with a bag on my shoulder and I wanted to run to you. But I'd had no response from any of my letters. No word since that night. And all I could picture was me walking down your driveway and your parents sending me home. Or worse, you laughing at me. And I couldn't take either.
So I went as far away as I could. Hopefully so far that no one would send me back.
But almost a year later the people I was living with felt that if they kicked me out I would have no choice but to go home. And so I proved them wrong and married some kid in Vegas just to show them.
No one got how horrible home was. I didn't think you would even get it then.
Getting married was stupid...but I can still say that it was better than going home.
I was scared and all alone, and I had been for almost a year. And I couldn't handle being either anymore.
And from what I had been told you had moved so far beyond me that you had probly forgotten who I was.
But I thought about you. Every time I came back I didn't even want to see you. I couldn't handle seeing you with someone else.
I don't know if you can understand this at all.
All this time.... I thought of you.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Too Soon

Back and forth.
I dig and you pull.
Each day passes and I don't feel any closer to you.

I cut a tie every moment that you don't live up.
Perhaps you don't think that's fair.
You forget that I know what it's like to be hurt.
Maybe more than even you.

Maybe it's just too soon...

Hold on a moment,
allow me please to step around the corner.
That way I can fall for you in private.
You won't have to see it.

Lies are like stones.
They sink in.
Pullin all the air around them.
Till it's too hard to breathe.

I wanna be loved!
I wann be where you are!

I wanna hear you call my name.
Why does that feel like too much to ask?

Maybe it's just too soon...

Am I just the right height?
Have I just the right style?
Do I remind you of something you need with just the right smile?
Am I talking too much?
Too desperate for your touch?
Too shallow or deep?
Are you scared of my plans?

I know I'm not your sketch.
But honestly what'd you expect?
I guess I just dissapoint you, cause I'm not the girl you drew in your head.

I don't want any part of a game I can't win
But you keep pulling me in.
You're so scared of being hurt that you're hurting me first.
But I can't say this to you, cause you'll run the other way.
And leave me to pick up the pieces.

I just want to be where you are.
But you hesitate to show me the way.
And I can't live with the doubts,
big as quarries, I break myself falling in.

Maybe all this time isn't time enough.
People told me love would hurt me but I never
thought it would.
I've learned a lesson.
And the clocks keep moving faster.
Just too soon....

And I don't want any part of that.

You're not the one that I wanted.

I don't want to be what turns you on.

I don't want to be sexy to you.

That's just a degrading fall from the Angel

brightening your day,

to the ashtray that you get off in.

And I don't want any part of that.

You use me for what you need and don't care that each day I dim.

Like a firefly caught in a jar. I can make your nights seem magical.

But I'll be gasping for air in the morning.

And all because you don't love me enough to give me the air I need.

Now I'm stumblin through back alleys tryin to find something

to set fire to. Just to save my soul.

I've put up a fight but now it's taken it's toll.

I want to hear you call my name and not look back!

I got lost in your bright lights and now I am reaching

through empty pockets trying to pay my cost back home.

You've left me stranded on lost!

I thought I was chasing happily ever after.

But the clouds kept moving faster.

And hearts are misunderstood.

And I don't want any part of that.