Monday, November 30, 2009

Hmmm

I went to bed kinda early last night. But I woke up a few hours later. So I came out to the living room and watched 1st Season Heroes reruns.
Eventually though we started talking. Which we never really do. He has been...nice...the last few days since he got home. And it's kinda freakin me out.
So I told him how I felt. That I didn't want to do this anymore. And that I didn't want to be sitting her in a month or another year knowing that I had wasted more of my life on someone who doesn't care enough to change. And of course he does what he always does and lists a bunch of spiritual reason why we need to make it work. Which really only pissed me off more because he always does that when he knows he is wrong, Cause there really isn't anything I can say against it, and it's very hypocritical coming from him. So I told him the only thing I could say. That those are really pretty words that he has been using for years, but that he never does a thing to back it up.
Then he wanted to bring last year into the discussion. (Wrong move!)
He said that last year he was the only one who wanted to work things out. lol So I looked at him and said "Really....you want to go there? Think about it and tell me if that's REALLY the comment you wanted to say." And when he said yes I pulled no punches.
I mean really! How can you say that you are the only one wanting to work things out when you are out at clubs every night. When your cousins are helping you find strange woman to dance with. When you are living like you are single and you're not. When you told me that I needed to go and cheat, and with a woman, so that you would be free to file for divorce but also so that you can watch the free show. (How much sense does that make!?) I didn't want to make things work last year. I was done. But at least I can admit it.
He says he needs someone to help him get over his problems. I reminded him everything that I had done. And how nothing worked! He said that he needed to be able to talk to me more about some of his problems. But I reminded him that's on him. I had done everything to be there to listen, and he wouldn't talk or repeatedly lied. I'm done.
DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE.
And I told him.
He asked me if I wanted to move out and move back home. And I told him that I had been considering it for a while now. And then he made one very bad mistake. He told me I couldn't take Caden. Wrong move # 2. We agreed we would keep Caden out of this. We agreed we would always share custody no matter what. Not to mention that I took care of him for almost 3 months on my own without him, and still thought of him. Caden called him every night. Even when he was out partying or too drunk to read him a story. And I never once took custody away from him. And I sent his parents pictures and videos of Caden every chance I could.
lol I told him that since he is the one with the unproven track record he is the one who would not take Caden.
Which in the first place...is the stupidest part of the conversation! I have not decided where I will go...and even if I had it's still gonna take time to do.
I'm just so irritated. It was the stupidest argument. And I feel like he wasn't listening at all...which I am used to him not listening by now. But I told him that I am at the point where I don't want to be around him.
So of course today he keeps hugging me. That just makes it worse.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

My Talking

So last night I had to run out to the Post office. I threw on a hoodie and grabbed some jeans out of a drawer and ran out. When I came home and was kickin my shoes off I noticed the bottom of my jeans didn't look familiar.....As a matter of fact...I didn't recognize the jeans at all.
lol They were a pair that I had bought a few years ago but I hadn't worn since. The great thing about it is that....They are two sizes smaller than the jeans I wear every day!! YAY! I knew my other jeans were too big but I didn't realize that much. So I am very happy. My hard work is FINALLY starting to pay off.

Other than that I am in a weird mood. I found a ton of pictures and letters from a girlfriend who was my best friend for a long time. We haven't spoken much in the last few years, but recently I have been thinking about her a lot. I found out that she lied to me about something that was really important to me. It's not really worth talking to her about now, but still I think things would have been different for me if she hadn't.

Earlier today too I found a list. One that I wrote February/10/2002 It has 41 things on it that I planned on doing in my life. I'm gonna list the ones that make some sense. lol
1. Go to Africa and Canoe the Nile.
6. Fall in love with someone who loves me.
9. Go to Prince Edward Island.
10. Read a whole library.
13. Watch a butterfly being born.
14. Share the most amazing moment of my life with someone that I love.
16. Find a place to call home.
17. See a real Van Goh.
18. Write a book.
19. Compose a song for my voice.
26. Have my own garden.
28. Leave an impression on someone.
29. Read hieroglyphs.
35. Talk face to face with my real dad.
39. Leave my mother with her loneliness, and be happy for myself!

I have done two of these!!!! (the last two) Ugh. There is so much still that I really want to do.
Hmmmm Guess I need to figure out how to make that happen! ;-)

Broken Dreams

Originally Wrote April/11/2002

There, somewhere in my broken dreams is where you lie.
The shattered remains of a love not meant to be.
I know that now you'll never be mine.
Though it's hard to face the truth.
I'm alive in a song without you,
and to some that's all I'll ever be.
But I know my heart and I know where you're at.
Somewhere in my broken dreams.

I'll hold your soul within my eyes.
Voiding depths that shall never be crossed.
(I don't know how I'll look at you again.)
My hear will shatter and fall among ruins.
But I will still be with you.
Somewhere in my broken dreams.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I finally understand.


All of what I can't get out of my head:

"When that big love comes along It's not always easy."

"You and I have so much love it burns like fire."

"I'm not falling I'm floating."

"You came to me in spring, your bare feet warmed the violet buds to bloom."

"Ever thine,
Ever mine
Ever ours."

True love:
"When you can see someone for who they really are and appreciate them whole-souled anyway."

"You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry "

"True love stories never have endings."

" True love is friendship -- caught on fire.”

" Love is not a force between a mind and a body, but a force between two hearts. Your mind and eyes will never tell you when you feel true love, for only your heart can receive the true love that another heart sends directly to it.”

" Those whom true love has held, it will go on holding.”

"
True love is not about the hugs and kisses, the 'I love you's' or the 'I miss you's', but about the chills that hit every part of your spine when you think about him."

"When we love, it isn't because the person's perfect, it's because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly."

"A priceless moment is when the person that you have fallen in love with, looks you right in the eyes to tell you that they have fallen in love with you."

"There may be many flowers in a man's life, but there is only one rose."

"I have loved you all my life, it has just taken me this long to find you."

"You truly love someone when you can feel every joy, sadness and pain of the other as if they were your own."

I never thought love could be so magnificent until I saw the sincere look in your eyes, telling me that this time...I would never shed another tear."

I've dreamed of you so much


I've dreamed of you so much you're losing your reality.
Is there still time to reach that living body and kiss your sweet mouth,
the home of the voice so dear to me?


I've dreamed of you so much that my arms, accustomed to being
crossed
on my breast while hugging your shadow, would perhaps
not bend to
the shape of your body.
And, faced with the real appearance of what has taken possession
of my
dreams and ruled me for years now, I would probably become
a
shadow.

~O Sentimental Balances!~

I have dreamed of you so much it's no longer right for me to awaken.
I sleep standing up, my body exposed to all signs of life and love and
you-
the only one who matters to me now.

But I would be less able to touch your face and lips than the face and
lips
of the firs woman who came along. I've dreamed of you so much,
walked with you so much, spoken and
lain with your phantom that
perhaps nothing more is left of me than
to become a phantom among
phantoms and a hundred times more
shadow than the shadow that
walks and will joyfully walk on the sundial of your
life.
-William Kulik 1901



I pulled out some of my old writing books from when I was 15 and 16...Just to relive some favored memories and I came across this poem. I loved this poem so much that I knew it by heart.
I would lay in bed at night, and stare up at the moon. Pieces of it would float behind my eyes, and I would think of the boy I loved.
And I would hope and wonder if he was thinking about me too.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Seriously!?

Nothing like starting the morning right! Throwing up right after I have done my hair and put my make up is such a perfect way to get the day going.
ugh....Thankfully I hadn't taken my meds yet...but I have forgotten to take my allergy pill the last two nights so of course it's just a side effect from one of the many RX's I take.

And Yes Nikki....I know that you are going to kick my ass later. But I know you forget to take your pills all the time! So suck it!
;-)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

My Best Friend.

This was my best friend. Her name was Shirley. She died on April/21/2009 And nothing I did could save her.
She wasn't supposed to die. She was fighting the cancer, it was going away again. But I wasn't there one day and she left me. I worked for a month after that to get her to wake up. But she never did. And in the end she died alone. And all I could do was wait for her body to be taken away.
She was supposed to come over to my house for dinner that night. We had finally got all of our things out of storage and my apt was put together and she was going to come over and share it with me. But she never came. And no one answered the phone. And the next day they called and said she was going to the hospital in an ambulance. Diabetic Coma.
The one day I wasn't there to cook for her she falls into a diabetic coma.
The last night we spent together I had brought over all my photo albums and I showed her myself, and read her my poetry and sang her favorite songs to her. I wouldn't change a thing, it's a great last day we had. But we needed more days.
I trusted her with everything. She always held me when I cried and told me how much she loved me. I knew I could trust her with anything....because she would never let me down.
It's so unfair that I lost her!
I never had anyone in my life like her before. And I didn't even get to know her for a whole year.
This is the first time I have talked about her since the funeral. I cry just saying her name.
She was so loving. And she cared so much about others....She started cooking Thanksgiving dinner the night before, and had it ready by ten am, so that she could feed everyone. She invited homeless people over, anyone who needed a meal or friendship.
I would hold her...she would be in so much pain from the chemo...she would lay in my arms and cry, and I would cry, but I would hold her for hours until she fell asleep.
She always told me that she was my Mom. And that she would make things better.
She used to tell everyone that we were Lucy and Ethel! lol always out raising hell and shopping!
We used to talk all the time about how "if we had a time machine we would go back..." lol and then she would tell me some funny story about something embarrassing she had done...and afterwords she would say "Actually....I wouldn't change a thing. What happened to me made me who I am. I would just go back and re live the fun!" lol We talked about sex all the time. lol She loved to tell stories about what a romantic man her first husband was. How he would always sweep her off her feet. And how much passion there was in their marriage!
I can still hear her playing on her organ and singing her heart out:
"Shirley loves her Caden."
I miss how she would lick her fingers when I made her something to eat.
When she was on morphine she would walk around like a robot and call herself a Jive Turkey, and we would all laugh

.......morphine. I missed all the signs. I feel like an idiot too. She lied to everyone about how she was doing....I just didn't think she would lie to me. But I should have known.
I know what morphine means for a stage 3 cancer patient. I saw how much worse the wound where the cancer was had gotten. But I didn't think about it! I never thought she would die.
I have worked in nursing homes and hospice for over 6 years. I have helped people get through this point, even people I know. But I totally missed it with her, and it caught me so off guard.

The sad thing is that she would have lasted longer if her husband would have taken better care of her. Everyone knows you don't give a diabetic coke and a banana and that's it for the day.
3 weeks I spent at the hospital, reading to her, singing to her, crying. I went every day. I washed her face, and rubbed her feet and painted her nails.....but nothing worked.
She was moved to a long term care facility an hour away and I only got to see her on weekends. She was lucid for a few days there, but it was as if she'd had a stroke! The only word we could make out was "honey". That's what she had always called us.
Everyone at the hospital and the care facility knew I was her daughter. They called me first for everything. When I got the call she had died I brought flowers, and sat with her until they came for her. I put her funeral together. And in the end I was one of only a few people bothered to show up.

I have spent the last 7 months with this huge hole in me. I can't talk about her. I can barely think about her without having to hold back tears. I don't know if I'll ever get over her.
I don't know if I want to.
She was my mom. My Jive Turkey. My best friend. She was the Ethel to my Lucy.
She was my Shirley.

Spirit

I am fairly certain I have died.
I'm a spirit roaming the earth in a dark fog with no direction.
No heart.
My spark has been sucked out of me-Just hollow.
Only brittle bones left.
Ready to fall and crumble into dust at the first cold wind.
How I long for sun!
Warm sun to caress me. To help the grass grow over me and
suck me down into the earth.

What have we found?

What have you done to me, silly boy?
Part of my once upon a time,
you were only ever in my memories.
But now here you are. And I almost can't believe it.

How could we have known that first kiss would be our only?
I was so sure we had many more to come.
-Years together to love.-
I left and never knew.
Oh how different things would be!
And now all we have to show is years apart and
a longing for what was.

~ I sound like a sad song.~

So many feelings I'm trying to express and don't know how.
Better people have said them already.
So many things I keep to myself
in case you turn out to be just a sweet dream.

~What a difference a day makes.~

Oh I feel like crying!
I've spent my whole life wanting a love that I can
count on. Something steady that I can believe in.
I want to put my heart in yours,
But I am so scared.

Can you find real life changing love that young? Is it really able to hold on for this long?

I need

Safe place to crash.
Safe place to be myself.

I need a cold hard rain
to cleanse my soul.

A screamin downpour to
pound out my insecurities.

I need a cold hard rain
to bring me down.
Strip away the layers
and leave me whole.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I hate my body


Forcing myself to eat in hopes of feeling better, not dizzy, not light headed....That blows.

Forcing myself to eat in hopes of feeling better, and then throwing everything back up and feeling worse than when I started...Sucks ass!

Tuesdays with Bitchy

So lately I feel as though all I have been doing is Bitching about Seth. And today will be no different! I wanted to write some of this yesterday....but was still to upset to get it out.
Thank you Nik for bitching with me and making me think about it enough to write it down....

So Saturday Seth's parents called and said they wanted to come over for dinner on Sunday. Which is cool. I love his parents (I don't always like them) and they don't often have the time to come to us so I thought it was pretty cool they were gonna make the effort.
Well Saturday we had a bunch of friends over, so I had cleaned and cooked. And then of course cleaned after everyone ate and then I bathed Caden and put him to sleep (Usually Seth's job but he was playing drinking games and was pretty far gone at that point.) And then I cleaned up again after they had all passed out on the couch or went home. WITH, I might add, a smile on my face and not a mean word from my lips.
Sunday, we went to our religious meeting, and when we got home we agreed to pick up later cause I wanted a nap and of course, the game was on. I woke up around 3 ish and Seth was getting ready to go to Kevin's house and help him put some furniture together. No big deal. 5 o'clock comes around, Caden gets up from his nap and I get to argue with him for 2 hours about cleaning his room, I cleaned everything, then I started getting dinner ready. by about 10 to 7 I text Seth. I hadn't heard from him and I was kinda pissy, so I let him have it. I told him to get his ass home, and to stop hiding out at his friend's house and help me out. I mean after all they are HIS parents.
About ten minutes later...after no word from Seth, I text his friends and ask them to have Seth check his phone. One replies to me saying he is heading out the door. He came in a bit later and instantly said What Can I Do TO Help? lol Seth code for I know I'm in trouble so I'm kissing ass. So he took out the trash, then came in and took a shower.
When he was done he wanted to turn my music off and watch the game and I said no. I'm cooking...I want music on. And then he asks if something was wrong. Oh bad move! He proceeds to tell me he never got my text so he has no idea what I am talking about. (I checked his phone, he got my text when it was opened and he read it.) BUSTED!
So then we have this huge argument. I was so mad I was just trying not to cry, and he was acting super rational which made me feel confused. I HATE THAT! I have a legitimate reason to be mad, that's not being irrational! Especially when I am not yelling or not talking or cursing.
He tells me that I have been acting different. lol No he is different I'm just getting sick of dealing with it. He says he feels like I am not doing anything to change my attitude. And then I lost it.
I told him I was SO GLAD he felt that way. That I was irritating him and not doing anything to change it. Because then he could see how much it hurt, to have someone doing or acting some way CONSTANTLY and no matter how much you talked to them about it they didn't care enough about you to change. He said he had no idea what I was talking about.
RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Ugh I don't remember what all was said but I know I was given the "Don't say things that aren't true to try to hurt my feelings" speech and the "If I am driving you crazy don't do it back out of vengeance" speech. And the "I'm not letting him take the lead" speech. Ugh! He finally told me that my eye rolling was making him think I didn't care what he was saying. (I swear I felt 12 again!) and so I told him after hearing these lectures more than once I didn't care anymore.
THANKGOD his parents showed up and that was the end of that.
Yesterday he was ok. I had pulled meat to dethaw for dinner but I was in so much pain that I was nauseous and I couldn't cook so he made dinner. (I get to do all the clean up! YAY! :-( )
But today it started again. I don't even want to get into it all but basically the money I had set a side to do some shopping Friday while he was gone is going to pay a bill that he didn't pay cause he spent the money on Netflix and Ebay.
And yet somehow this is all still my fault. SHOCKER!

Friday, November 20, 2009

That's not me.



What I wish is to make you catch your breath.
One look at me filling your head with images
hot enough to smolder.
Be your fantasy. You know, that girl from your wet dreams.
The one you think you know, but oh, she is still such a mystery!
A kitten you see when you don't think so hard-Maybe you're dreaming!

But that's not me.

Can't be more than the image in your head.
I won't live up to the hype.
I can play a long to a point, make you sweat and smile.
I'm such a good mystery weaver, but this is a gift that won't be unwrapped.
These petals don't blossom that way.

You made a mistake, on that day that you met me and lost your way.
You thought you saw all the right signs but I shoulda told you to leave.
Cause I knew all the time you couldn't handle me!
But you're so dam hard to resist, and you ache for this.
But you don't understand...That's not me.

Put me in a position and I might let you tell me what to do.
But ask for my opinion and I can't look you in the eye.
Cause that's just not me.

I claim to be anything you want, but at best I can fill the spaces where you have need.
I'm not the heartbreaker you desire, with hands so confident you grip your
sheets with need.

That's not me.

Runnin runnin


I just want to run and run and run until I become a blur and fade into the air.

Run until I fade away into condensation and get pulled off of the earth and up into a cloud.

Get pushed back down as fast as a bullet, breaking and popping onto the sidewalk.

Dancing along until I run out of momentum and make little swirly tracks as I slow slow slow....

The air billowing raising me to my feet, bringing me back to who I am, all that I need to do.

Standing in the cool air, arms bare, feeling the drops run off my skin.

Is this how it would feel for my whole body to cry?

Deep breaths.

Drops pour into my hair, I feel like a goddess of water.

I'm soaking wet and cold and I feel as though I have lost myself somewhere.

Oh how delicious.

Ten thousand Fireflies


Today I am happy. I dunno why. Just woke up in a great mood! It's probly the weather. It has been trying to all morning and I am so excited!
If I had a yard I would plant a bunch of bulbs right now. I think I am gonna buy a window box. A huge one to go out my living room window. And I am going to fill it with flowers!
I have another project to finish....But I need a sander for that and I don't have one. And I have three projects to start but I have to go and buy material!! Hopefully I will do that tonight.
I really feel like singing today. But I am not sure what. I think I need some new music...something challenging. I just need to find it!
I have been uber amazing working out this week! I did 45 minutes of cardio everyday and ran 1 mile as well!
My cat is gonna have kittens. And I think it will be soon. I already made up her bed in the closet...hopefully she won't have them under my bed!



"I like to make myself believe
that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams."
I wish Seth was home right now so I could go run.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Who am I?

Recently I have connected with some old High School Friends. It's such fun! But it's hard too. You want to know everything about what they have done and who they are and you want to share everything about yourself but you don't want to be nosy or hog the entire conversation. And what if they don't remember you the way you remember them?
In the process of reconnecting I have discovered that I don't remember who I was back then. And it makes me feel really sad. I think I was someone I would have liked. lol. But I don't remember me. (It doesn't help that I have NO pictures whatsoever of me from 12-17 either)
So I decided to make a list of who I am now. I actually did this for one of my friends during an emotional conversation. But now I want to do it for myself. I don't want to look back in ten years and wonder who I was. (These are in no particular)

  • I love old video games. Spyro, Mario, Kingdom hearts...they make me feel young!
  • I love love love old movies! Sandra Dee, Elizabeth Taylor, Shirley Temple, Marilyn Monroe, Barbara Streisand...They are the best!
  • I get irritated that Men don't read more because then they would know how to be the kind of Men woman want and that they can be proud of.
  • I adore ALL musicals. And I secretly pretend that I am the lead whenever I watch them.
  • I love my B-day. (Even though I don't celebrate it.) Because there is a meteor shower every year on my B-day and not only do I have a tradition that involves sitting out and watching it, but it makes me feel uber special!
  • I love ancient Myths.
  • I am the worst person in the world to watch a scary movie with. I scream, I hide under my blanket and sometimes I run out of the room. And then I will cling to you ALL NIGHT LONG.
  • I can never have enough books. I love/hate that I read so fast. I read more than anyone else I know but I read before I have the money to buy another book.
  • And if it's an old book I will face any danger, including spiders, to rescue it and bring it home with me.
  • And don't get me started on writing books! I have a ton and I always need more. But I am kinda picky about them. I like the cover to be something that sparks my imagination. And I like the lines to be teeny tiny.
  • I secretly wish I could be marooned on a desert Island for awhile. I would build a huge tree house and have a little garden and fish, and swim and explore all day and I would love the peace and quiet.
  • I day dream way way way way too much and even though I love to do it I am trying very hard to LIVE and not live in my head.
  • Running and swimming are my two favorite things. I could do them both all day long.
  • I worry constantly that I am going to destroy Caden's childhood and he will grow up to hate me like I do with my mother.
  • I eat super duper healthy....but I have a severe weakness for anything with sugar in it!
  • I wish I had finished American Idol. I know that I wouldn't have won but I really wish that I didn't bail out because a guy told me too when I made the top 20.
  • I wish I would have gone ahead and published my poetry when I had the offer.
  • I wish I didn't feel like a child playing at being an adult all of the time.
  • I am a huge neat freak, and wish my family was too.
  • I wish Seth knew that the little things everyday mean so much more to me than Grand Gestures every once in awhile.
  • I have a disease. And I am so afraid of it taking over my life. I try so hard to ignore it and not let it define me...and yet every day some piece of it effects me.
  • I'm fairly certain I will be getting my heart broken soon.
  • I don't know how to trust the people I should. And I blindly trust the ones I shouldn't.
  • I am a romantic in the purest of forms.
  • I am EXTREMELY naive about many many things....but I am ok with that. Most people find it cute and endearing. And I am glad not to know most things.
  • I love the ocean. Any time of day, any season. I love watching the sunset on the ocean. I love swimming in the ocean. I LOVE looking for shells.
  • Swing Dancing is my favorite form of Dancing ever.
  • I was born in the wrong century.
  • I wish I could be a Psychologist. I can empathize well and I enjoy comforting others.
  • I adore pin-up models!
  • I plan on getting two tattoos.
This is a work in progress! I'll add more later.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Summer Lovin


You came into my life suddenly like a storm on a summer day,
Throwing all of your force into me like the dry ground I was.
You broke down all of my walls and fell into me before I knew if I was dancing or dreaming.
Kissing you was like a warm summer night.
Sweet and open.
The nights are darker, the stars are big enough to get sucked into,
the grass feels cool in between my toes, and your skin smelled amazing.
Warm and inviting.
Your kisses on my my face felt like snowflakes, melting and swarming all over me.
Everything stopped and I only saw you.
I can feel you even now, being us and making moments that would last forever.
My memories come unbidden, so easy to go back...
Hands doing what lips do, you would catch me on fire
but I never knew how to tell you.
Summer nights, blinding lightning, heart stopping thunder, Rain falling hard enough to hurt wonderfully.
Maybe the earth spun faster then because the top blew off before I was ready to fly away.
Summer turned into the passionate Autumn, and fell blindly into the fire of Winter.
And as always spring came unwanted with new beginnings.
More tears to build up the sea.
Soft as a feather falling you return to my dreams now, enough to make me yearn for you.
Does it demean what we had to think of what could have happened?
I don't want to know.
I feel young and alive and I want to sing my heart till I blow away into a series of music notes. Spend my life humming memories.
Memories of summer hummed...I imagine it would sound like
grass growing, stars twinkling, hot summer air...but how can I put notes to that?
Cheapen it with words.

"Come, gentle night, — come, loving black brow'd night,
Give me my Romeo; and when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of Heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night,
And pay no worship to the garish sun."
~Juliet, Act 3, scene 2 "Romeo and Juliet."

A companion to Nikki's blog today...

Nikki today is thinking about her Miscarriages. I had more than one...but only one is clear. I found out I was pregnant four days before New Years/2004 Only the Fetus was stuck. They had to use the abortion pump to get it out. It hurt like hell. My best Friend Racheal came to help me get through it. (This was when Nik was only my Sexy Land Lord. lol)
Seth and I had only been together for 6 months. I pulled out my journal from back then...This is what I wrote:
"Dear Seth,
Today is New Year's Eve and I can't help but wonder what the New Year will be like for us.
I lost a baby. It's so weird. It hurts. I actually feel a great loss and emptiness-as if I lost a close and dear friend. The doctor told me it would have been a boy. You don't want to talk about it...it's been easier for you to throw yourself into your video game. So I am going to name the baby Amir. (It's easier for me to let go when it has a name) Amir means "Beloved" in Ancient Gaelic. It was the name of Arthur and Guenevere's only child, a boy who died young.
I'm really scared to have children because now the fear of losing one again is real to me.
I am so glad Racheal is here. I love her more than I love any other friend. She has been my rock and my sister through so many things, and she is only 1 of only a few woman that I respect.
You two make up my family. And without your love I couldn't be so strong right now. "

I sound so young. But this time of year I always think of Amir, and I try to figure out what kind of a boy he would have been. It's easier for me than it is for Nikki because I was barely 18 and I did not want a child then at all. But whether you want a baby or not losing one always makes you feel so guilty. I know that I didn't do anything on purpose to lose it and yet my body, in a sense, killed it. I know it was a little person. The Bible says very clearly that God knows us from the moment we are conceived.
But I have never forgot him. And I am happy for that, even when it has given me a blue day.


Monday, November 16, 2009

Just because now I feel better!

MissCrystal Nelson: hi
smyles00: hey babe
MissCrystal Nelson: You should check out my current blog. I think that will explain EVERYTHING!
smyles00: you know why i think your hot in the hospital gown?? cause i know nothin's under them and the back is all open
MissCrystal Nelson: lol Except that I got to keep my PJ pants on!! lol So it's just my boobs hangin out there.
smyles00: haha well boobs are my friends
smyles00: ugh he didn't bring you anything?!?! THAT IS ASS
MissCrystal Nelson: I know. I don't even want to talk about what I ate for dinner.
MissCrystal Nelson: All I asked him for was Dennys. (lol I wanted a burger so dam bad. HORRIBLE)
smyles00: and he couldn't bring that home? WTF is up with that
MissCrystal Nelson: I KNOW!!!
MissCrystal Nelson: Ugh I am so irritated.
smyles00: i would be to so its not just you. ugh if i was there i would have done it, i know that doesn't help but seriously he said he would and he should have
smyles00: smack him upside the head, kick him in the nuts and say thats from nikki
MissCrystal Nelson: I know!!! Especially after he asked me WHAT I wanted more than once. And asked what he could get me on his way home.
MissCrystal Nelson: The really irritating thing is that I have not talked to him about it. Because I KNOW that he would say "why didn't you tell me?"
smyles00: so what was his reason for not doing it?
MissCrystal Nelson: And I would have to say "well because by the time I realized we wern't going anywhere you were in your chones and whining that your burrito upset your stomach." And then we would fight and I would hurt his feelings and have to apologize.
MissCrystal Nelson: AND I DONT WANT TO!
smyles00: i wouldn't want to fight either but sugar, he should do those things for you without throwing a tantrum. especially if he says he's going to do them, makes the effort to ask. ESPECIALLY when your having proceedures done
MissCrystal Nelson: I know. But that's not Seth. We have been married 6 1/2 years and I still forget how selfish he can be. And how his selfishness tends to take over.
smyles00: i'm so sorry he's like that, wow miss. thats retarded.
MissCrystal Nelson: I know.
MissCrystal Nelson: I really don't get it.
MissCrystal Nelson: I feel like posting this conversation as my next blog. LMAO!
smyles00: lol go ahead if you want
MissCrystal Nelson: lol I am trying to figure out who would read it and how I would feel about it.
MissCrystal Nelson: lol And also how much Seth would whine when he finds out I talked to you instead of him. LOL
smyles00: did he say why he didn't get it for you?
MissCrystal Nelson: He hasn't said a word about it at all.
smyles00: oh your so much stronger than me because i would have stopped his ass before he took his shoes off and let him have it, lol
MissCrystal Nelson: lol It's just not worth it to get mad at Seth.
MissCrystal Nelson: He gets his feelings hurt and you have to have a two hour long conversation about it, and why I acted the way I did, and how he feels, and then he will get made cause I will be SO SICK of fighting that I just tell him I have nothing left to say.
smyles00: i wouldn't call that mad, i'd call that giving him his shit for not following through....but then again i do get myself in trouble wiht my mouth
MissCrystal Nelson: And then he might go out and get the food...but I would really have to kiss ass all night to make him feel special for doing what he said he was going to do in the first place...and all because I didn't remember to remind him ten times on the way home.
smyles00: i guess since i've never been in it, i don't know how to let it go, does that make sense? i am used to being able to say whats wrong and have him listen, even if he doesn't agree
MissCrystal Nelson: I mean seriously...he text me 30 minutes from home asking what I wanted.
smyles00 is typing a message.
MissCrystal Nelson: Well that's because Bo is the best husband in the world and you are dam lucky to have found him before me. Love you Bo-Bear!

Needless to say I have the bestest friend in the world. Talking to Nik always calms me down.
And if someone from my immediate family is reading this....Try not to add more to it then what is here when you go off and blab about it to everyone you see! Maybe do something nice for me for once and stay off my blog in the first place! I would really appreciate it thanks! :-/


Have to add this part now! Too funny not to add the ending to the conversation:

MissCrystal Nelson: If I hear about this blog roundabout from my family you better go to my sister's bank and cause a scene.
smyles00: hahahaha i have tears. just finished your blog and left a comment
MissCrystal Nelson: lol I know I was laughing so hard!
smyles00: ooooh sounds fun.
smyles00: cause we know she haaates me
MissCrystal Nelson: lol
smyles00: ROFLMAO Bo just walked up to me and said 'i am not in the mood so there is no risk here of me coming on to you' and walked up to me with a box of condoms
MissCrystal Nelson: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN!?
smyles00: we ran out the other day and he bought some tonight. they are ultra thin and he wanted to show me the box.
MissCrystal Nelson: I am dying laughing
smyles00: i'm sooo putting that on the blog its too good
smyles00 is typing a message.
smyles00: i wish i had it recorded it it was awesome
MissCrystal Nelson: I LOVE IT!



~Bangs head against computer screen~

I am not in a very great mood today. I had my Barium Swallow....that had it's own set of difficulties. I was expecting....something....I dunno something more from people....
Seth was being supportive on Sunday, he went out to eat with a friend and he said he would take me out to breakfast after my BS test when I could FINALLY eat again. But of course his boss called and so he said we would do lunch or dinner....Lunch came and went.
He texted me on his way home asking if I wanted a burrito from a taco truck...yeah no. Usually I don't mind Tony's since he is a tradition and since he is out on the islands we don't get to eat it very often....but the key word was OUT. Go OUT to eat.... So then he asked what I wanted and I told him and he said ok! (Which I was assuming meant that he would come get me...or (sigh) he would bring it home.) Nope.
So now here I am still trying to figure out what I will eat for dinner. Of course I didn't have anything ready to make cause I was not planning on eating at home! I am trying to think of the last time we ate out together...or that I ate out......I don't know when...but it has been months.

I really shouldn't be irritated. This is not a big deal. But I am not in a good mood, and it's making my tummy hurt.

Not to mention ONCE AGAIN Seth and Caden are fighting. Now I have to admit Caden has been a pain in the ass today. (He was "cleaning" his room for 3 hours.) And didn't get a thing accomplished. His room got cleaned because he used his golf club to hit his light and shatter the bulb. So we had to go in there and clean it up and vacuum.
Still though...It irritates the crap out of me to have so much yelling in the evenings.
I know it wouldn't be so bad if Seth would just get up and play a game with Caden. They have not gone outside, played a game, done a puzzle NOTHING! In months.
Seth reads him a story at night and that's it.

I am just pissy pissy pissy.
If it was possible I could have a period I would think I was PMSing right now. lol

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Confuzzled

Seth and I had an argument yesterday. It's weird since we really don't argue anymore. I just don't give him a reason to argue, and I choose to ignore the stupid things he does that cause an argument.
I am still not quite sure what set him off. Maybe he felt like I was nagging him to do something he knew he should do but didn't want to. I don't get it though!!! He always tells me that with his ADD he forgets things and that my job is to remind him...then I feel like I get shot down or yelled at when I do. I feel like I can't win!
He says that all week I have been acting differently. But he doesn't know how. I reminded him that he had been weird for two months and I told him how and why and reminded him that it should really come as no surprise if I get upset and irritated with trying to cater to him when he won't talk to me, and start to pull away.
I have my own stuff to deal with right now! I have doctor's app's and tests and new meds and sometimes (Like right now) all in the same week. I told him that since he would rather keep his own private council then I am focusing on me, I am not going to waste my energy worrying about him when he doesn't want it.

He is gone now though....I have a few hours to myself to try to recoup and get my head together. Today is a rough day trying to get ready for the Barium Swallow tomorrow. No solids, no dairy, nothing red...lol...And it doesn't help the the Steelers are not playing well today and I am SEEING RED! haha.

Friday, November 13, 2009

I'm not sure how I feel right now....

So...I am not drinking. For three months....maybe longer. I don't really miss it....but EVERYONE at my house is drinking right now and I think I am more irritated than anything. lol I told them all last and this afternoon that I wasn't drinking, If I were to drink while on this medication I would get something called Lactic Acidosis. I am not completely sure but I think it would shut down my liver and most likely be fatal.

Other than that I am feeling anxious.... I am really hoping a friend of mine will be free to text some tonight. I feel like I am 14 again saying that.

Can you ever go back?

Recently I have found a long lost friend. It's been ten years since we have talked or seen each other...which seems like a life time ago, even though some memories are very clear still.
It's so nice though to have someone who remembers me. Although...the person they describe doesn't sound familiar. I was a choir geek my freshman year. And I was an oddity. I had lived in California my whole life and then freshman year I found myself in a teeny tiny town in Oklahoma.
lol I stuck out like a pink elephant in a room full of zebras!
But I have wonderful memories of that year, and I made some amazing friends too.

Looking back though makes you think of all the what ifs. It makes you think of what you wanted back then...and wonder why you didn't get it. It's made me want to change a lot of things in my life.
It's also made me really miss my home. I want to go visit really bad. Not to see my family...lol no no no. But to see old friends and familiar places and remember when I felt happy all the time.

I don't know if you can ever really go back home or not....God knows I have tried! lol But maybe you can add your past to your future......
Time to do some more thinking I think!

Pills Pills Pills

Today is a hard morning. I am not quite sure why yet. Usually I get up, drink some coffee, make some breakfast and swallow a small pharmacy. I don't want to eat today. I do not want to take my pills. Each one of them helps me but I am so tired of swallowing 7 pills with breakfast.
Yesterday I threw up lunch...which was odd since I don't have to take anything with lunch...but I guess it's just a side effect of something. I'm really tired of throwing up. It's making things with my Esophageal tract worse. Ugh which reminds me...I go to UCD to pick up my kit today, then I have a Barium Test Monday morning. So NOT fun.

Ok I have gotten a few emails with questions about how Metformin helps PCOS. So instead of answering you all individually I am just gonna answer them here.
*First of all Metformin is not really for someone with light to moderate PCOS symptoms, It's used in treating woman, like me, with advanced stages of the disease but who are still too young to have a Hysterectomy.

Metformin works in three ways. First, it decreases the absorption of dietary carbohydrates through the intestines. Second, it reduces the production of glucose by the liver. Third, and most importantly, metformin increases the sensitivity of muscle cells to insulin.

Insulin is a hormone...go figure...Women with PCOS frequently have "insulin resistance", a condition where excessive amounts of insulin are required in order to get blood glucose moved into cells, where it belongs. Metformin helps your body to transport glucose with relatively less insulin, thus lowering your insulin levels. Chronically high levels of either glucose or insulin in your blood contributes to obesity, heart disease, infertility, and certain cancers, as well as the development of diabetes.Blah Blah blah...

Ok I hope that answers all of your questions....if not just email me back!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Still the Searcher.

Tryin to find my world.
~Runnin Runnin~
But strugglin with all I leave behind.
Do you ever really forget it all?

I could care less about fitting in,
Just give me somewhere that feels like home.

*Where can I be me?
Enough space to set my heart free.
I just want to let my hair down and breathe.
Maybe I'm still tryin to find me?

Do do do, doot do doot do, Do do do, doot do doot do, Do do do, doot do doot do

It's been too long since I have blogged! I wrote some stuff in my head but just didn't have the energy to get on here. ( I was sick for 2 weeks.) I started a new medication...it's called Metformin. It's mainly used to treat diabetics, but it has had a high success rate with PCOS in woman like me. Because our bodies store the fats and sugars we intake instead of using them, we gain weight and feel tired all of the time. I have only been on the meds since Monday but I am already noticing a difference. I have ENERGY! I am not drained and head-achy all day. I actually get up and do stuff and PUT CLOTHES ON!! lol It's been so wonderful!