A companion to Nikki's blog today...

Nikki today is thinking about her Miscarriages. I had more than one...but only one is clear. I found out I was pregnant four days before New Years/2004 Only the Fetus was stuck. They had to use the abortion pump to get it out. It hurt like hell. My best Friend Racheal came to help me get through it. (This was when Nik was only my Sexy Land Lord. lol)
Seth and I had only been together for 6 months. I pulled out my journal from back then...This is what I wrote:
"Dear Seth,
Today is New Year's Eve and I can't help but wonder what the New Year will be like for us.
I lost a baby. It's so weird. It hurts. I actually feel a great loss and emptiness-as if I lost a close and dear friend. The doctor told me it would have been a boy. You don't want to talk about it...it's been easier for you to throw yourself into your video game. So I am going to name the baby Amir. (It's easier for me to let go when it has a name) Amir means "Beloved" in Ancient Gaelic. It was the name of Arthur and Guenevere's only child, a boy who died young.
I'm really scared to have children because now the fear of losing one again is real to me.
I am so glad Racheal is here. I love her more than I love any other friend. She has been my rock and my sister through so many things, and she is only 1 of only a few woman that I respect.
You two make up my family. And without your love I couldn't be so strong right now. "

I sound so young. But this time of year I always think of Amir, and I try to figure out what kind of a boy he would have been. It's easier for me than it is for Nikki because I was barely 18 and I did not want a child then at all. But whether you want a baby or not losing one always makes you feel so guilty. I know that I didn't do anything on purpose to lose it and yet my body, in a sense, killed it. I know it was a little person. The Bible says very clearly that God knows us from the moment we are conceived.
But I have never forgot him. And I am happy for that, even when it has given me a blue day.


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