Friday, July 31, 2009

Tra La La.

I have not written in awhile. I blame the meds. lol!
UGH!!!! But it's true. They tend to make me not monologue in my head all day so I don't know what to write.
Last Friday, a week from today, I was in the ER for 10 hours. They think I have ulcers. So now I am on new meds and I am waiting for an Endoscopy to be scheduled. Have I said that I have an app to meet with specialists about my PCOS? October......OCTOBER!!!! That makes me crazy!
Life is goin on. And I am just along for the ride right now. Sometimes I don't even feel like I am conscious for most of it. I am takin the max amount of Welbutrin everyday. I still have nightmares. I still get mad for no reason. I am still an insomniac. I just don't leak tears as easily as before. I cry...just not always tears. THAT'S ODD! I dunno....I hope some things get easier soon.

Friday, July 17, 2009

PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

Ok so the basics for this disease are that you get many painful cysts on your ovaries. However this is also considered a metabolic disorder. It means that there are numerous factors in basic body processes that have gone awry. Polycystic ovarian syndrome is a dysfunction that is related to the whole body, not just the ovaries. The main cause of PCOS is genetics. If other woman in your family have had it more than likely you will get it to.
Common Side effects of PCOS are:
*Multiple Ovarian Cysts (duh)
*Irregular or Absent Periods. (Could be nice!)
*Acne (Double Dammit)
*Inability to Lose Weight (Triple Dammit!!!)
*Excessive Body Hair (Quadruple dammit and a OH HELL NO!)
*Insulin Resistance and Eventually Diabetes.
*Thinning of the Hair on the Head.
*Pigmented Skin Folds (EW!)
*Hormone Imbalance
*Impaired Lung Function (Just great for my asthma!)
*Sleep Apnea (That actually explains a lot)
*Fatty Liver Degeneration (Fat does not sound good)
*Depression (Yeah...uh...double check)
*Deepening of the voice (Guess that makes me a soprano 2 now)

There are some things that they can do. They will usually treat the symptoms, so hormone therapy, Birth control pills and anti-androgen meds.(Androgen is a male hormone. An overproduction of that is the cause of PCOS and some of the nastier symptoms) Also an anti diabetic drug called Metformin is given. In some cases they do Ovarian drilling. Which is drilling 4-30 holes into your ovary. OUCH!!! And sometimes hysterectomies. (Which they usually do not want to do in someone my age. But since my cysts are so bad and frequent and I already have one child they may re consider.)
If my PCOS is left untreated there are many bad things that WILL (not could) happen:
*Cardiovascular Disease
*Pregnancy Associated Disorder
*Cancer (Endometrial Cancer and Ovarian Cancer)
*Seizure Disorder

Ok so right now I just want to focus on finding a way to lose weight and get rid of the debilitating pain that I get when I have a cyst(s).
More when I know more.

Quick update...This is a picture I made. If my measurements are correct...which they may not be cause I suck at Math and I'm still in a pissy mood...That is roughtly 5 and 1/2 MM. Which is the size of the cyst the radiologist found last week on my Ovary. And an Ovary is roughly the size of an almond.
Hence the picture! lol ENJOY!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

*Hiccup, Hiccup*

Ok so I have had one too many gin and tonics. and i'm writing this from my DSi cause i dont feel like gettin my butt off the couch...anywho...i had a doctor's visit today. LAME!!!
It was for a pap smear but they had gotten my ultrasound results back from the week before. and they aint good.
ok i already figured i had PCOS (Polly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) but my ultra sound confirmed it. my teensy little ovarie had a 5 1/2 mm cyst on it. stretchin my ovarie out. and considerin that one was not even that painful to me who knows how bad the others are!
basically...goodbye more kids...hello hystorectomy.
i have appointments scheduled at UCD. We shall seewhat happens.

Conversations with Caden"
Caden: Mommy did you see that super cool move?
ME: No I wasn't watching you.
Caden: Oh ok well you can see it tomorrow when I go potty again.

Hmmmmm....Not sure I want to know anymore.

More Depressing Depression talk.

Depression is a Cruel Intruder. It comes into your life without warning and takes over everything. Someone once described Depression as "Having a terrible pain without knowing where the pain is located, fear without knowing why and, worst of all, absolutely no desire to talk about it."
You can take medicine, make lifestyle changes, see a therapist and yet it is still something that you can only deal with day to day.
One of the things that helps me is "People Watching". To some extent it gets me out of my own head. I focus on other people instead of myself. and I can then get some relief. Sometimes it's watching people at the park while Caden is playing. Driving around town watching people while Caden munches a Happy meal in his booster seat. Going to the mall and sitting in the food court with a book. If I can't hear what other people talk about then I sit with a writing book and make up my own stories and conversations for them. Sometimes these little things are all it takes to pull me up out of my funk for a day.
I know too that the more I get outside helps as well. Gotta get that Vitamin K! If I swim or take a walk or just darken my tan that all helps too. Plus when Caden gets sun and exercise he sleeps better at night.
Making sure I get out of my house, even if it's just to take a ride in the car, really gets me out of my head and reduces my depression and anxiety.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


E.M.D.R (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing)
This is something that I have been meaning to blog about for awhile. EMDR therapy is a wonderful form of therapy. Especially if you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (like me), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (Like Nikki), BiPolar Disorder, Anxiety Disorders, and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. If regular "Talk Therapy" has not been working well for you of if you feel you have hit a road block with it, you should seek out EMDR and talk to a practicing clinician.
EMDR is a form of psychotherapy that was developed to resolve symptoms resulting from disturbing and unresolved life experiences. It's not a shock therapy, nor do you need to take Medication. As a matter of fact I know two people personally who are BiPolar, have been for most of their lives, and have been on medication for years. And after a few sessions of EMDR they are living normal lives free of medication.
One of the great things about EMDR is that one session is equal to one year of talk therapy. So the majority of people do 3 or 4 sessions and then rarely have to go back.
The theory underlying EMDR treatment is that it works by helping the sufferer process distressing memories more fully which reduces the distress. EMDR is based on a theoretical information processing model which posits that symptoms arise when events are inadequately processed, and can be eradicated when the memory is fully processed. EMDR's most unique aspect is an unusual component of bilateral stimulation of the brain, such as eye movements, bilateral sound, or bilateral tactile stimulation coupled with cognition's, visualized images and body sensation. EMDR also utilizes dual attention awareness to allow the individual to vacillate between the traumatic material and the safety of the present moment. This prevents retraumatization from exposure to the disturbing memory.
One of the Theories for EMDR is that eye movements provide some neurological and psychological effects that enhance the processing of traumatic memories. (Such as REM Sleep, where your body processes what you did that day.)
According to Francine Shapiro's theory, when a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, it may overwhelm usual ways of coping and the memory of the event is inadequately processed; the memory is dysfunctionally stored in an isolated memory network. When this memory network is activated, the individual may re-experience aspects of the original event, often resulting in inappropriate overreactions. This explains why people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic incident may have recurring sensory flashbacks, thoughts, beliefs, or dreams. An unprocessed memory of a traumatic event can retain high levels of sensory and emotional intensity, even though many years may have passed.
EMDR uses a structured eight-phase approach and addresses the past, present, and future aspects of the dysfunctionally stored memory. During the processing phases of EMDR, the client attends to the disturbing memory in multiple brief sets of about 15–30 seconds, while simultaneously focusing on the dual attention stimulus (e.g., therapist-directed lateral eye movements, alternate hand-tapping, or bilateral auditory tones). Following each set of such dual attention, the client is asked what associative information was elicited during the procedure. This new material usually becomes the focus of the next set. This process of alternating dual attention and personal association is repeated many times during the session. (Mosts sessions last an hour and a half.)
It is thought that the distressing memory is transformed when new connections are forged with more positive and realistic information. This results in a transformation of the emotional, sensory, and cognitive components of the memory so that, when it is accessed, the individual is no longer distressed. Instead he/she recalls the incident with a new perspective, new insight, resolution of the cognitive distortions, elimination of emotional distress, and relief.
Based on the evidence of controlled research both the practice guidelines of the American Psychiatric Association and the Department of Veterans Affairs and Defense have placed EMDR in the highest category of effectiveness and research support in the treatment of trauma. This status is reflected in a number of international guidelines where EMDR is a recommended treatment for trauma. In many cases EMDR has been proven to be more effective than Medication, traditional exposure therapy and Cognitive behavioral therapy.
For me personally EMDR even helped me to remember past events that I had forgotten. It completely removed my Anxiety attacks. And since the techniques can be used when I am at home without a therapist they have helped me with many other aspects of my life. (When I do my EMDR exercises while I am studying some scriptures that I really want to reach my heart, it usually helps me get a deeper understanding of the subject by helping me see where in my life it relates.) Kinda hard to explain but it's like it helps my brain process the information in a way that makes is stick.
If I could afford EMDR sessions now I know I wouldn't have to be on medication. (It's only 90 dollars a session normally.) The therapist I went to would go to work in the prisons with Child Molesters and Rapists. She may not have been able to cure them from what they do, but with EMDR she was able to help them understand Why they do what they do. To me...that's pretty powerful.
I strongly recommend this form of therapy to anyone. Do some research on it. This book EMDR: The Breakthrough "Eye Movement" Therapy for Overcoming Anxiety, Stress, and Trauma(I'm a link!) Is wonderful. It's real life cases that EMDR has been used in. I guarantee it will make anyone with depression realize that there is a long term solution. (Read the comments about it from one's who have read it!)
I would love to answer any questions regarding this. Email me at

Hiding Beneath my Blankets and Sheets.

This is one of my favorite songs. It's by Anna Nalick. It really reminds me of my mom. Yes I know...If she ever found my blog and read it she would really kill me for saying that. But it does...I'm gonna Bold my favorite lines. (Picture should link to song)
I couldn't get the Picture to link so here it is... Anna Nalick

Well, it's been almost a year to the moment
When I finally realized it was over
And I knew that love wasn't good enough
Of a reason for me to stay

Well, I saw you yesterday; you were drivin'
And I tried so hard to forget
You were alive, and as you passed by I began to cry
Over things that I did not say

And hide underneath my blankets and sheets
I'm finally free
I'm killin' the ghost of you, and I'm close to
Awakening me

Yeah, yeah
So I'm takin' my heart and I'm gettin' me out
And love's something that I wouldn't wanna live without
So I'm takin' my heart and I'm gettin' me out
On my own, my own, my own

Well, it takes all of my strength to be stable
And I force your insults under the table
And if you were wise you would compromise
And allow me to live my way
'Cause I am not a force to be reckoned with
And you don't have a clue what you're messin' with
And you can't see to the best in me
'Cause it's more than your heart can take

And hide underneath my blankets and sheets
I'm finally free
I'm killin' the ghost of you, and I'm close to
Awakening me

I'm awakening me

I'm awakening me, yeah

I'm awakening me

So I'm takin' my heart and I'm gettin' me out
And love's something that I wouldn't wanna live without
So I'm takin' my heart and I'm gettin' me out
On my own, my own, my own

I'm takin' my heart and I'm settin' you free
And, baby, now you're just another song to me
And the edge of your sword isn't sharp enough for me
To bleed


Ok So I have now been on the medicine for 2 weeks. There is quite a bit to say and also not much at all. LOL that sentence really sums up the last two weeks. I feel fine. The one thing I don't like is that I lose track of my thoughts.(It makes my day dreaming VERY hard) I am feeling like Nikki!! I will be cleaning the kitchen and the next thing I know I am cleaning the vacuum and I have no idea how I got there but the water in the kitchen sink is still on. (At least I am still cleaning.)
Sometimes I still get dizzy. Especially if I close my eyes for a few seconds and then open them again.
I don't have the "I don't care" feeling that I did when I was on Prozac. Except that since I am not constantly stressing about my house being cleaned and sanitized it's sort of going to pot most of the time.
It really seems to block the things I stress over. And then when I don't stress over them I forget/don't think they are very important.
It's weird to look at the things I stress out about. Cleaning my house, Sunscreen, Washing my face every night, dusting my house, trimming Caden's finger nails, bleaching the front porch, Seth's surgery incisions......Yeah the list really could continue...but the point is that since I am not CONSTANTLY stressing myself out to the point of depression these things have all tended to not get done. Until last night when I realized what was going on and started to get myself back on track.
Tonight I have a 2 hour Phone interview for a depression study that Stanford is doing. And tomorrow I have another DOC app. I think he is going to double the medication dosage per day. I don't mind that...however the first week or so if I didn't take the pill at close to the same time as I had the day before I would get huge head aches.
Ok so remember my earlier sentence..."There is much to say and not much at all." Well I knew I had a lot to you can see. But I didn't think that there was anything important. That's why I hadn't written anything in a while about my depression. lol Funny.

Monday, July 13, 2009


Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady me now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on,
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
that dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

everything changes
everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
in the deep of my senses I know

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Forever Love (Digame) -Anna Nalick

On the ground
With my world
Upside down
I got a vision of your face
And I must get me out
For so many memories we've yet to make
God don't send to me your angels
I just wanna hear you say again

Forever love
Say your love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
If I go
I know

When you smile
With those eyes
Baby it's like
You place a finger on my heart
And your lips next to mine
Make me think that maybe heavens where you are
God don't send to me your angels
I just wanna hear you say again

Forever love
Say it love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
And if I go
I'll know

Through the veil of an ashy mist,
White stripe necklaces around
black necks-Riveting round eyes.
(Those eyes didn't miss much.)
They lay low in the water now,
swimming gently around the cove.

I sit rock still in my canoe,
hands under me for warmth.
they are used to my presence,
as long as I keep my distance
and respect their space.

When the world is eerily quiet,
when the fog muffles all other noise,
The song shimmers as it rises.

A primitive breathtaking tremolo,
released with the shiver of a jaw;
so beautiful, so mysterious, so
wild that it raises the hair on the
back of my neck.

The Song That Kills time.

As I slowly descend a stairway of air,
I am begining to feel the crescendo of dawn's approach. A whirlwind of sand tickles my skin,
as I stop to contemplate the change.

I hear the chorus of the tide as it slaps and pulls at the rock. Slowly conforming it into anothers design.

It's a song that kills time.

It's the moment where the stars are turning their back to us, and the sun is soaring through the pristine blanket of night. I'm begining to feel at one with the earth.

The grey matter rolling into my toes; the wind combing my hair with it's grainy fingertips.

I am at home with the ocean. I know it's secrets, and I'll test it's strengths. I want to sing it's song.

The Song That Kills time.

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

Hope everyone is having a fun summer!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Day Four.

Today has not been pleasant in the least. I did not sleep well last night, kept having nightmares, asthma attacks and mini anxiety attacks.
I woke up needing my inhaler and feeling very sick. All day I have had dizzy spells, blurred vision, nausea, hot spells, and migrains.
Thankfully it's Sunday so Seth was able to be home all day with me. As usual he held my hand, brought me medicine, food and juice, and was patient when I started crying for no reason.
All the info I have read says this is kinda normal behavior for being on this particular medicine, and that it could take up to 3 weeks to go away. Nikki told me she had some of these symptoms the first week too... it really helps knowing that.

Friday, July 3, 2009

More. More. More.

Ok so this is the end of my second-ish day on the bupropion. Well, I took one yesterday and one whatever that means. Anywho yesterday I felt only slightly out of it. Which is ok. Usually I feel really out of it even if I slept ok the night before. The only thing notable about yesterday was that I had a few slight dizzy spells.
Today i have had spurts of energy randomly. Not enough to make me feel invinceable or even that I can keep up with my three year old. But I didn't feel like goig back to bed all day long either. I did get into a fight with Seth which has not happened in about a year. And I do have a slight rash under my arm. Not sure if that is related or not...could be due to a lot of chlorine. We shall see. I have also had a headache for a few hours, but that could still be due to a lot of chlorine and sun.
More from me later, as i report on my life on anti-depressants.

These feelings won't go away, They've been knockin' me sideways.

My theme song right now= Citizen Cope "Sideways"

Today is my first day on Depression Meds. I'm on Welbutrin which I have really high hopes for.It has no Sexual side effects and it can even help with weight loss.
today all I wanna do is cry. I have spent every hour possible in the pool. Playing with Caden and swimming as hard as possible. I feel like I am outrunning something emotional. But I don't know what it is and I am too scared to turn around and face it.
I was abused a lot as a child and a teen and the way my body coped with it was to hide in a book and forget all the bad. (thankfully I had a Grandma who taught me how to read before I was in school.) But because my mind blocked out all of the bad sometimes when I am under intense stress or when my life is relatively calm I will suddenly remember horrible things that happened to me. I hate it.
But at least right now all I want to do is be active. It helps Caden work out his energy and to him he has all of my attention.
Nikki and I have our website finished!
Nikki has done an amazing job. Although it is no where near finished I love it. And I love what she wrote on the front page. We really hope that maybe our stories can encourage others the way others stories have encouraged us.
You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

You'll Find Yourself

Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong

in your reverie a perfect girl

Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool

all your expectations bury me


Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go

give yourself some time to falter

But don't forgo knowing that you're loved no matter what

and everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny

That I can make or break it if I choose

But you take my words and twist them 'round 'till I'm the one who brings you down

Make me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this


You need everybody with you on your side

Know that I am here for you but I hope in time

Youll find yourself allright alone

Youll find yourself with open arms

Youll find yourself youll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive

I have to take myself away from you

'Cause I can't compete I can't deny theres nothing that I didn't try

how did I go wrong in loving you


My Husband's Other Wife.

I think Most wives tend to feel that their husband is married to their job. Mine sure is! He works in a very tough industry. (Fire Safety...IE. Fire extinguishers, Fire sprinklers, and Hood systems in Restaurants.) His job is not so bad. He drives everywhere, does tons of paperwork, some days comes home covered in kitchen grease, and yet it's a job. He has done this type of work for over 6 years and he knows it backwards and forwards. Which is absolutely essential for him. He is a great boss and he trains others really well. My problem is the Spawn of Satan who is his boss.
Yes I know....EVERYONE complains about their boss to some extent. Well....Read this and tell me how much you like your boss afterwords.
My husband started working for this company Last June. And old employers relative had called him and said that his son had started a fire suppression company but had then gone to prison, and would Seth move to Sacramento and run it for him? Business was really slow for Seth at the time where we were currently living, and this man offered Seth a free apt to run the company so Seth agreed. (I didn't! lol)
For It was not until the end of October that Seth started making any money. (And I mean ANY. No money...not a penny.)
Then they started giving him 200 dollars a week. (Mind you our apt was free...but the three of us were living in a 1 bedroom)In December we were moved into a 2 bedroom. YAY! We got all of our things out of storage and it was a happy day! Until the bedroom ceiling started to leak when it rained. Oh yeah...did I mention this place is the ghetto? And I mean BAD GHETTO. Cops are here more often than I am somedays. The place is infested with roaches (And I am a clean freak...yeah.)Most of the appliances only half work. Most all of my neighbors are either very ghetto black people (Which tends to mean drugs, loud rap music and guns.) And illegal Mexicans (Which means fights, drinking out in the quads, and everyone hitting on the only blond in the Seriously...I am not trying to profile or sound like a racist. But I am not living with the Cream of the crop. More like the spoiled milk of the crop.
So in December the ceiling started to leak when it rained. We spent two months sleeping on the couch with everything in our bedroom piled against the walls so that they wouldn't get leaked on. Every time it was dry for a few days I would ask for them to patch it or replace the roof...nothing! They said wait till it's been dry longer. (Yeah it's July 1st. Still holes in my ceiling that the bugs come through.) We went 3 weeks without an oven cause it broke and they couldn't afford to replace it. We went through the first heat wave without an AC cause ours broke. (Window unit AC BTW)
Not too mention that back in November Seth developed a hernia. His boss (Who now is the Man who originally called him's Wife) We will call her Punani... Insists that he work around ten or more hours a day. Since Seth was working under the table at that time we had to go through med-i-cal to get his hernia surgically taken care of. 7 months later and he is just now finally having surgery. His surgeon told him to take 2 weeks off and 6 weeks no lifting over 5 pounds. She had Seth back to work a week later, full time. She is constantly yelling at him for not doing as much work...even though he is working over ten hours a day, Is in pain, and is on Vicodin.
she was supposed to hire him a helper, which he needs anyways since there is so much work to do. She keeps hiring people who are illegal immigrants. Which means that they can't drive for him and barely understand English so he is always having to do the majority of the work himself anyways. But after about a week or so she stops them from working with Seth to work on her Slummy apartments.
ARGH!! It's the most frustrating thing in the world! Seth tries so hard to be a great employee, he doesn't yell back at her when she yells at him. He has not once asked her for a raise. He tries to fix things in the apartment himself before calling maintenance. But it's getting ridiculous. I can't take it anymore and I know he is close to breaking.
To be completely honest....I just hope Code Enforcement shuts her down for all of her crappy apartments!