Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Please Shush

I could stand to be alone for some time.
Lose myself in white noise, slip into the blur, contemplate the color yellow.
Right now I just don't handle splashes too well.
Or too many teeth, around me all at once, armed like guns with something to say.
Urgent whispers.
Hoarse restraint.

Quiet as papercuts, people steal me away.
Cart my flesh off in tiny crimson piles,
my bones are sore.
Rattling against each other in their anemic cage, ravens circling, my heart beating.

(It's time to go-It's time to go-It's time to go.)

To someplace full of Shush.

How Cold

Where have all the stars gone?
Someone flushed them down the toilet.
Last night I swear I saw them in your eyes.
I remember cause I wished I was one of them.

But you woke up this morning and remembered your tie.

Where did you hide the stars?!
Did you swallow them like aspirin with your morning OJ?
Or did those clouds in your eyes distill
what little life you let flow last night?

I look at your hands and I wish I could loathe you.
I would fling you like dust off my Gucci shoe,
and walk over your body as I clumsily hum to myslef.


Sunday, October 18, 2009


Due to a breach in security my Blog posts have been disabled for a short time. I will repost them when I know more.

The trouble is, "when you are a bear of very little brain and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside of you is quite different when it gets out in to the open and has other people looking at it."- Winnie the Pooh

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Why I Cry.

First and foremost I would like to thank everyone who has emailed me encouragement, thoughts, and comments.
I think now is a very good time to clarify a few things. First and foremost...I am, by nature, a very happy person. lol Yeah bet you don't believe me on that one. But I really am. And to help myself, and anyone else that I depress, I am really going to start blogging about more happy things.
Secondly, I have a very serious reason for my depression and medication. I am going to try to explain as much as I can...however I had to drink quite a bit to get me to write any of this...so it might take more than one day to get through it all. But I have been wanting to do this for years...and my therapist has been encouraging me to do it for a long time too. So...here goes everything. (BTW everyone who has ever heard the abbreviated version of my story has told me that I need to sell the story to a movie company. But I am really going to try to get into all of the details AS I remember them.)
Grab the tissues Nik...There are things in here you may not know.

My mom was very young, and apparently very stupid. When she was...18 I think...she met a guy in a bar. He owned his own construction company, and she started working for him as a painter. At some point...from what I know it was within a few months, they were married. At some point my mom got pregnant. This was by no means her first pregnancy...from what I remember she had one or two abortions. But she got pregnant and at 6 or 7 months she lost the baby. He was a boy. (I think his name was Luke. Whenever I thought of him his name was Michael, and I thought of him many many times over the years, wishing he was real.) From what I understand, within a month or so she was pregnant with me. She went to a clinic to try to get another abortion. Now there are two versions of the story from here...One is that she had been studying the Bible and knew that lying was wrong. My dad had property in Oregon and she was trying to get a free abortion, which you could only get if you were very poor and did not own property. The second one is that my dad did not want her to have an abortion and listed all of his property and refused to pay for it. Either way.....No abortion and there I was.
My mom was training horses for a family. (She is very well known in NorCal as a horse trainer. She has been doing it since she was 11. And she knows a variety of different types of riding.) At some point...I think in October(I was born in August) they wee at a costume party. On their way home a storm came in and the roof blew off their cottage. So she called the people she was working for and they invited her and her husband and myself to come and sleep on the couch. From that point on Peggy Reynolds, (soon to be my Nanny, which is like a grandma only better.) started studying the Bible with my mom. My dad didn't care. He had been raised by an adopted family, who, according to his words, really forced the Bible on him, so he wasn't interested at all. But he didn't care if it made her happy. So she started studying the Bible daily. And my family moved into a travel trailor on their property.
At some point we moved into a house in Vacaville (California) not too far away from my Nanny. And then my parents bought a house in Rumsey, which is in the Capay Valley in NorCal.
At some point my mom met my first Step-Dad. And then she became very dissatisfied with her marriage. She lived off of other people's sympathy! I have heard many many many versions of what happened between when I was 4-7. Oh, I do need to point out that I had two siblings at this point. My sister, E. who was born 16 months after me, and my brother K. who was born about a year after her. My general belief is that my mom ran out of sympathy, she was not the woman who brought her husband to God, and she was not the woman who was being physically held back from serving God. So she decided to go a different route.
Maybe my Dad drank more than most, or maybe not...all I know is that she said he was an alcoholic and she left him. We moved about 25 miles down the road and lived with a woman and her two grown kids. From their we moved back to Vacaville and into a a modular home right next door to Nanny. Then we moved into a home in Woodland with a family who had two teenage sons and two teen daughters. We moved a lot in a short amount of time. I was 5 and had JUST started Kindergarten when my mom left my dad, and I was 6 when we moved into the family in Woodland's house, and started the 1st grade. (Which I was actually too smart for so they moved me to the second grade. lol Bonus info.) At this point many things started happening at once. My mom accused my dad of molesting me. My mo started dating someone. And the two boys in the house started to molest me. I was 6. Thinking back on it the last few years, I think my mom knew. Why else would someone give their child a bath with the door open, and then have them run around in just their underwear when their were two hormonal teenagers in the house? I remember getting out of the tub and ASKING my mom more than once for clothes. And instead she told me to go talk to the boys about school. And she didn't care that they closed the door afterwords. Or if she walked in on me in their bedding with them. I was 6.
At some point we moved out and into a duplex, right down the st from the guy she was dating. He was in his thirties and had never been married, no kids. Nothing. I remember my dad hated him. He would always be irritated when he came to pick us up for our sleepovers on Friday nights and Kurt was there.
From the duplex we moved in with an elderly couple.
They pretty much became my grandparents, and I have loved them to pieces ever since. (My grandpa died about 8 years ago. He was a roofer. And he was roofing a 3 story house in the middle of nowhere, he was in his seventies BTW. And he fell off the house. Broke most of the bones in his body, bled internally, and lay there dying for 6 hours until the owners came home and found him. He lived for a few days in the hospital, long enough to tell my grandma how much she meant to him.) He was the most wonderful, strongest man I had ever met. And I still cry when I think of him.)
We lived with them for a few months and the day after my mom's divorce was finalized my mom married Kurt. Within a few months she was Pregnant with my second brother. After she had him she went into severe depression. I remember her coming home from work and sitting on the floor and playing solitaire for hours. I remember waking up and she would have fallen asleep in the living room playing cards. I was 8.
At some point we got a super Nintendo and she devoted all of her time to playing yoshi.
I don't know if she would have come out of her depression on her own or what...but after a year of wedded bliss, her husband was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. (While I know that is a painful and debilitating disease, he is not the one who needs any sympathy. If I believed in Karma I would say that it was what he had coming to him.)
Anywho...he chose not to work after that. He didn't have it bad by any means, but he was a lazy prick. So my mom worked a lot. At once point she had 7 jobs. This lasted until I was 13. Between the ages of 8 and 13 life went from bad to worse. (Some time between all of this my visits with my dad went from overnight stays, to a supervised visitation one hour every other week. To nothing at all. My parents claimed I was too stressed out to handle the visits and my siblings were not allowed to go without me.)
We moved a lot. A lot A lot. And then...I had to help my mom work. I would get up at 4 am most days of the week and help her deliver newspapers. Then we would go out to a Ranch she worked at and while she trained horses I would muck out stalls and polish tack. Then I would come home and do my school work. (I was home-schooled a lot.) At some point my mom started a daycare, which I ran for her. I babysat my half brother and a few other children. And my Sister and Brother went to school. A long with homeschooling, and babysitting, I also had to have the house in pristine order, have the laundry done and most nights I cooked dinner. I don't know where my step-dad was then...I know he wasn't working, but he wasn't at home.
During the last year, between 11 and 13, I was being "stalked". I was a VERY scared tween. My best friend was not allowed to spend the night at my house because it was too dangerous. "Someone" did hang up calls all day long while I was at home by myself. They would throw things at the house. And "mysterious" cars would be parked across the st "watching me". I don't know who did all of those things. I am fairly sure it was not my dad though.
But at any rate my parents decided to move to Oklahoma. That was the worst thing in my life. Yes I admit that it made me a stronger individual, and blah blah blah, but it tore me up for many many years. I lost my best friends. I lost the people who had been more than grandparents to me, I lost the town I had been raised in. My world was ripped away from me at the time I needed it most.
I wish things got better when we moved. But then my life wouldn't be interesting anymore right? lol
My step-dad FINALLY got a job. Only...I had to help him. I got up at 4 am, went to the post office, picked up mail. Took it to two different cities. Then came back to town and I went to highschool. After school I would go to the grocery store that my mom worked at and I bagged groceries. Then I went with Kurt to pick up mail from the two Post offices and dropped them back at the one we picked them up from. I would get home around 7 pm. Did my homework and went to bed. (all of the money I made went straight to my parents to help pay for bills.)
After a year of that we moved to Arkansas. I still went to school, sophomore, I was on the track team, cheer leader, swim team...and I also worked full time at Long John Silvers. (All of my money went to my parents.) I was 15.
My life went up shit creek at that point.
My step dad had always been somewhat physically abusive. He had ALWAYS been verbally and emotionally abusive. (I remember once when my brother K was 5 he had him grab the top of the door frame and hang there. HANG THERE! And he laughed at him as he cried, because he was scared.) He hit me a lot. Randomly. His moods were so random. One minute he would be crying about what a worthless person he was and how I was so wonderful to work to support my family. The next he would be yelling at me that I was stupid and beating me with a belt. I remember stealing my mom's cover-up to hide bruises so that I wouldn't get bugged by the school nurse at school. And when I would be at home, if I didn't have the whole house completely picked up and bleached and clean enough to house Ghandi....My mom would hit me. I remember her yelling at me, hitting me over and over. On my back, on my head, in my face. Telling me that I am stupid and that she hates me.
I kept on going. And everyone said that I was a happy person. I was able to still find joy in life. I had friends who made me feel loved. (Some were older friends who took an interest in me. Nikki...Kathy Webb is one of them. I know she is pushy and weird...but she really looked after me and that's why I love her so much.) I think a lot of people had thoughts that something was happening...but no one really knew.
Kurt would start doing things that made me uncomfortable, I know now why he did them, but I am not ready to say it out loud yet. If I was doing the dishes he would come up behind me and pretend to grab something out of the cupboard against me and rub himself on me. He would come and pick me up from work and play music with graphic sexual lyrics, even though I would ask him to turn it off. I would even reach over and turn it off and he wouldn't let me.
At some point I got my high school equivalency and tried to go to college. Surprisingly I did amazing in school. And I had two scholarships. One for my PHD to Yale, although I think that was mainly cause my real grandparents had donated a bunch of money when my uncle went there. The second was to Colorado on a 2 year voice scholarship. While I was trying to make up my mind I decided to go to school to become a CNA so that I could have a way to support myself while I was in college. Unbeknown to me my parents found out about my Scholarships and wrote to the schools refusing them. So at 15 I became a Certified Nursing Assistant. I got a job an hour away from home. And since I was not allowed to drive My step dad drove me to work.
I worked... a lot. When I turned 16 I was legally allowed to work full time. I would work 16 hour shifts 5 days a week. Since I worked an hour from home, usually my WONDERFUL step dad did not want to come and pick me up so he would leave me at my job for a few days at a time. I would sleep on an empty bed and then start my shift 8 hours after I quit. Not surprising... I got an eating disorder. I was so stressed and so tired that I would go days without eating. I would drink energy drinks and take yellow jackets and when I did eat I usually threw it up.
One night I collapsed and woke up two days later in the hospital. My nurses had turned me in.
My parents came and got me, and drove me down to Muskogee Oklahoma and had me institutionalized. (My buzz is wearing off....Time to drink more so that I can finish.)
I was in a hospital with other girls around my age for 2 months. I went from 98 pounds(I am 5'9) to 210 pounds. Basically from one extreme to another within the 2 months I was there. My parents dropped me off, did not speak to the doctors or councilors, then one day showed up to take me home. They never called, wrote, emailed nothing while I was there. They told all of my friends that I was staying with family.
I went back to work for a little bit but then I had to quit. My parents owed some people some money so I went to live with them for a month to clean house, cook, do laundry and help them with their home business to pay off my parents debt. A few weeks after I got home, my mom was in a car accident. She died three times on the scene before she was life lighted to the hospital. She was in the hospital for two weeks. Broken leg, deflated lung, broken jaw, broken hip, and glass in her scalp. It was one of the worst times in my life. (I didn't know how much crap my mom had done at that time. She was my mom and I loved and still do love her...beyond belief some times.)
I am not sure I have drank enough to finish this....
You know what? No I have not. So I will finish this some other time. This part is too hard. It's the part that I try to forget the most and yet remember the clearest.

*** The pictures I have included...The first Me at 17, a few weeks before I married my husband. The second, Me at 15 at my grand parents house in Ark. The third... Me at 7 with my two younger siblings E and K.)

Tears in my eyes!

Nikki has done a WONDERFUL/AMAZING/MAGNIFICENT job on our website and it looks beautiful!!! Please please check it out.
Please just view it, bookmark it, share it with your friends. We are going to edit the links and such this week. But for now.....It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Pretty!

Friday, October 16, 2009

I shot the sheriff.

So I had a manic day today and was cleaning very odd things.
Well....today was laundry day, and even though I had slept like crap, I always love laundry day! I washed everything...Towels, clothes, sheets, pillows, throw blankets, the dog....EVERYTHING! (Since we live in an apt we only get to do laundry at the laundry mat every other week when Seth gets paid)
But for some reason it was the little odd things that caught my attention. The worst one ended up being fatal.
I HAD to clean the keyboard. It was dusty and kinda sticky and my microfiber cloth would not get far enough into the crevices. So I took off all of the keys and soaked them and then washed down the inside of the keyboard. I remembered, mostly, which keys went where. I did have to have Nik email a pic of a keyboard. But for some reason a good bunch of keys would not work afterwards!
lol THANKFULLY one of my best guy friends is a Computer Tech and loves me to death, and knows how crazy I am, and was already coming to my house to spend the weekend with us, so he brought me a new keyboard. And of course it is way better than my old one.
lol He just laughed at me and asked me not to kill this one too!
lol I am loved!
Now I have a house full of friends, and we are all making plans to go garage saling and antique shopping tomorrow.
One more thing.
Seth was a MAJOR sweetie and bought me some new towels last night from Target. They were so fluffy and this beautiful steel gray color...so I washed them today to make sure I wouldn't get covered in towel fuzzies when I used them...and of course whomever had the washer before me had used gobs of bleach so now my lovely new towels are covered in orange stains.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Spoonful of sugar

I have decided that, for the sake of our website, I am going to publish cleaning tips. (Since I am a neat freak/germaphobe/ organization wizard) Nik does recipes and coupons and I will do some spiritual stuff and cleaning ideas!

So today I am going to talk about something that I don't think I normally would have talked about.
Getting kids to clean their rooms!
We had a HUGE bbq this weekend, and as such my son's bedroom was thrashed by all the kids and his excessive amounts of toys.
I didn't have him clean it up that night though. The next day when Seth and I were picking up I asked him to clean up his room, but told him that if he needed help I would help him when I was done with my cleaning, and that if he worked hard he could have a piece of Candy afterwords. (Sugar free chocolate...lol I am not a crazy person!) Not only did he clean his room wonderfully but he did it all on his own. Even some of our friends who had stayed the night commented on how well he did.
So I thought back...because it wasn't always this way.
First thing you need to do is go in and clean the room yourself. (If you can't clean it how can they?) Make it PRISTINE! (Who wants to mess up a clean room?) Once it is exactly the way it should be, bring them into their room and show them what you did and where everything belongs. Talk to the child and explain how after they play with something it should be picked up and put away.
Secondly, make sure you ask them to pick up their room at least once a day. If they have toys laying around outside of their room make sure you ask them to do it but also remind them where the toys need to go . IE "Please pick up the ball and trucks and put them back in the toy box."
Thirdly, the best learning tool is to teach by example. Now if for some reason your house is not always as clean as you would like That's ok! When you ask your child to clean their room Get up at the same time and do some pick up as well. 15 minutes is usually more than enough time for them, and you can accomplish quite a bit in 15 minutes too.

If at some point you look at their room and the mess is overwhelming to you...think about how they feel. Even if you don't get down and help them clean it you can give helpful suggestions.
IE "Put that shirt in the laundry. Put that train on top of your desk. Put those blocks back in the box." It helps keep them going and they feel like you are involved and helping them.

Every once in awhile you will have to go and clear out stuff! The best time to do this is usually when the child is not home. Either way...don't give in when you know that 1) They have out grown it. 2) They have broken it. 3) It's just impossible for you to live with it longer. (Unless however this is some sort of comfort toy to them. Throwing those away before a child is ready is tantamount to child abuse in my book.)
McDonalds toys, blocks that have hard water stains from months in the tub, stuffed animals with baby rattles that have sat on a shelf collecting dust for years....all of that can go!
(When you clean out old toys/clothes make sure it makes it out of your house. Give it to a neighbor, trade it in at a consignment shop IE Once Upon A Child. Donate it to Good Will. Throw it in the garbage. Sell it on Craigslist. Have a do-able plan to get it out in the next few days.)

For awhile when your child cleans their room on their own it will not be as neat as you would like. But make sure to point out and commend all of the good jobs they did. Then go in and do the last little bit explaining it as you go. Encouragement goes a long way into making a child keep his room clean on his own. Also I always try to reward Caden with something. A trip to the park, watching a movie, a piece of Candy...Whatever I know would suit him at that moment.

A few other small points. The earlier you start a child the more he or she will be inclined to do it on his own. Before Caden was even 1 he would come with his grandparents or I on janitorial jobs. We would give him his own feather duster or a rag with water on it, and turn cleaning into a game. We would even let him help us push the vacuum. At home we have Caden put his own dishes into the dishwasher, or help in wiping down the table.

Caden will be 4 in 4 days. And I am so happy with him and his room. He still needs my help sometimes. But I know that keeping things clean is a handy skill that will help him all his life.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Pity Party

I am having a Pity Party today.
On of my oldest friends is moving out of state. Well across the country actually. It's hit me pretty hard....which is a little odd.
We don't talk everyday, or even hang out often. (She does live about 2 hours away.) But I feel...less tethered with her gone. I hadn't realized what an important part she played in my life. Typical.
All of my friends from my childhood pretty much disconnected from me when their parents realized how crazy my home life was. I don't even have pictures from before I was 17. And with not having my family to be with, I really rely on what friends I do have to keep me tethered.
Shanna was my husband's friend. I fell in love with her the moment we met. She became like a sister to me. And we have stayed close the last 7 years.
Now that she is leaving it really hits home how lonely I am.
Good Lord it's really no wonder that I have depression!
If you don't have family, or friends to reminisce with about "old times" it's almost like you don't exist.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Tears of an insomniac.

It's 12:30 at night. Not really late for me anyone more since I am usually up till 3 or 4 with insomnia. But tonight is harder for some reason. And I couldn't keep laying in bed trying not to wake Seth with my crying.
I don't know what's wrong with Me!!!
I was always happy. I could smile through the shit storms! But now I just feel lost.
All evening I have been so pissed with Seth. He wanted to go play baseball with his friends tomorrow but he has a broken hand! So I fought with him for hours tonight until he decided not to go. But even then I still wasn't happy. And I couldn't figure out why!
Laying in bed I kept thinking about how the last three months I had been so understanding about his hand. I cook I clean I take care of Caden...But him wanting to go out left me so upset in a number of ways. I wanted to yell at him to spend some time playing with his son! Not playing a video game for an hour, or wrestling for ten minutes. But go outside and play baseball with him.
I was scared too. He spends so much time gone for work...how is it possible for him not to want to spend his nights at home? It felt like it was so easy for him to leave me. I know that just has to do with last summer...but that effects me everyday.
But what has hit me the hardest....is that I am so dam jealous of him. He has friends. And not just buddies...he has friends/brothers. People who have known him his whole life and they all have stories that go way back...and he has piles of friends like this. AND COUSINS!! He has grandparents, and aunts and uncles and cousins...all of whom love him and live close to him and support him.
I don't have any of that.
I don't have parents, siblings, I'm not close to my grandparents, cousins, aunts or uncles. I'm trying to get closer to them...but it's taking a lot of time.
My family didn't even stay in one place long enough for me to have a place I call home. I can think of roughly 300 people who know me, recognize me at least, and who all hope that I was able to put my horrible childhood behind me and become someone good...but no one close enough to really spend time with, or who is interested in anything more than just facial recognition.
Seth's friends call him all the time. He goes to camping trips with the men in his family, helps throw bachelor parties, he has even been in a few weddings. I don't have those things. And what's horrible is that when there is something that I want to do...we don't have the money.
I just want to go home! But I don't have one. how can I feel so lost over something that I have never had?
Oh my god I am crying so hard right now I can't even see the keys.

My best friend lives 2000 miles away. She has a little girl who will be 1 in a few months...and I have never even met her. What I wouldn't give to be sitting on her couch, drinking coffee, eating pop-tarts and channel surfing.
I miss you so bad Nikki.
I know I should go and wake Seth up but I just can't right now....I always feel so guilty of robbing him of his sleep.
I want family. I want my own family. People who love me and TRULY care about me just because I am me and they are my family.

I wish my family loved me as much as I love them.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Pussy Cat Pussy Cat Whoah!

So yesterday I heard the oddest noise coming from the cat food bag. And my instant thought was "Oh Baby must be hungry!" The problem was it's not baby. It's our cat Lilly(pictured above.). Baby was a cat we lost a few years back.
She was a cat that Seth bought me as a wedding present, and since she was our first Baby....hence the name. She was a beautiful tan and black striped Abysinnian. She had so much personality! I used to work at PetSmart and when I closed I would bring her in with me and she would roam and play all over the store. but her favorite part was the car rides to and from home.
She traveled across the country with us twice. Eventually over the years she became an outside cat. She was uber protective of my son when he was born. She would sleep under his crib, or at the foot of anything that he had fallen asleep on. She wouldn't even let our dog Taicie (Our second baby) near Caden. One day...about 3 years ago, Baby came in and got a bath. I took off her collar and set it on the sink and after her bath she went and sat in the sun under window. When my husband came home from work I realized that she had snuck out...sans collar.
We never saw her again. The worst part...I have no idea what happened to her.
I know that animals come and go but the not knowing has killed me for years. Did someone steal her? Was she hit by a car? Somehow got lost? I'll never know.
It was then that I made I recalled a memory from my childhood...
A a dark street, lit up by lamps, all of us kids worn out and coming back in side from playing to shower and crawl into bed. In the midst of our parents calming us down there is a knock at the door. A man is standing there crying and holding my sister's cat, Jenny, in his hands. She had run out in front of his car and he had not seen her in time to miss her. She died instantly. That was not the first time we had to deal with losing a pet, nor was it the last. But it as the most impressionable.
This man came to us and told us what happened. He apologized. He gave us closure. He was a brave brave man.
I made a vow, if I am ever in a similar situation I will always look as hard as possible to find the owner. Put up fliers even.
When your pets become your children, it feels like a part of you is missing when they are gone. And it is still very hard to get over. Something that I am still trying to do.

Commenting is fixed!

After months of my commenting being disabled I have finally fixed it, with no help from Blogger I might ad.
So....Comment away and make my day! lol ;-)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Monday Monday

Yesterday was a bad day for me for some reason. I didn't wake up till eleven, which is not good. But then I had no energy. My eyes started to ache like they do if my mold allergy is acting up, so I took an allergy pill...which only furthered my resolve to go back to bed.

I had all of these projects that I wanted to tackle! But when I saw that I needed to re-fold some laundry and do a mess of dishes from the weekend...I got so overwhelmed. (Stupid!) I called Seth and he came home from work for the day to help me out. We got more done than I could have believed! He cleaned the whole kitchen, helped me rearrange the living room, I cleaned out and organized our closet and the hall closet, and got a bunch of stuff up for sale on craigslist. It was really nice!

The only thing I didn't do....I am a HUGE book collector. And I have all of my books organized by author and type on my shelves. And I recently noticed that I have books missing!!! Some since I was a teenager. They are not books I would have lent out. Some are the ending book or the beginning book of a series. Some were books that were over a hundred years old. I am so so so upset about this! Especially since I tore a part the only places they could have been yesterday but to no avail.

I am very worried about those books.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Shed Some Light

I'm falling apart again.
And I can't find a way to make amends.
And I'm looking in both directions,
But it's make believe, it's all pretend

Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

It's innocence within the maze,
But I have chosen the wrong way.
I'm still getting over who I was,
There's no sense of trust, there's no definition of love!

Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

I know now, it's not who you are,
It's who you know.
And I see clearly now, which way to go!
I remember the way I fell from above.
And I recall the way I was.

Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


Well, it's been almost a year to the moment
When I finally realized it was over
And I knew that love wasn't good enough
Of a reason for me to stay
Well, I saw you yesterday; you were drivin'
And I tried so hard to forget
You were alive, and as you passed by I began to cry
Over things that I did not say

And hidin beneath my blankets and sheets
I'm finally free
I'm killin' the ghost of you, and I'm close to
Awakening me

Yeah, yeah
So I'm takin' my heart and I'm gettin' me out
And love's something that I wouldn't wanna live without
So I'm takin' my heart and I'm gettin' me out
On my own, my own, my own

Well, it takes all of my strength to be stable
And I force your insults under the table
And if you were wise you would compromise
And allow me to live my way
'Cause I am not a force to be reckoned with
And you don't have a clue what you're messin' with
And you can't see to the best in me
'Cause it's more than your heart can take

And hidin beneath my blankets and sheets
I'm finally free
I'm killin' the ghost of you, and I'm close to
Awakening me

So I'm takin' my heart and I'm gettin' me out
And love's something that I wouldn't wanna live without
So I'm takin' my heart and I'm gettin' me out
On my own, my own, my own

I'm takin' my heart and I'm settin' you free
And, baby, now you're just another song to me
And the edge of your sword isn't sharp enough for me
To bleed

No Comprende

I have been talking to Nik this last hour and it has got me to thinking. How can two people be so different?
I worry all the time that some tragedy will befall a member of my immediate family. And it will be made even more tragic because we are not speaking. And yet what would happen if I were to call....?

Judging from past experiences My sister would yell, or hang up the phone, call me a loser... or just not even listen. She might listen if I said she was completely right and I should have listened to her. But the truth is she was very wrong and I won't take full responsibility anymore.
My Mom would just use me for her needs until the next argument. And would bad mouth me to friends and family in the meantime. Anything that gets her sympathy/attention.

Harsh? Yes. Truth? Yes.

I wish with all of my heart that we could each own up to our own mistakes. Forget the past (Including anything that happened while we were kids that someone for some reason can't get over.) and just be a family. As a whole we are survivors of a tragic life. Separately we are letting the dictator who stole life from us to steal even more.

It feels as though I am the only one who sees that though. Every time I have been the first one to call, the first to forget, and the first to say sorry. But I can't do it anymore. I can't keep losing myself to please them. Because either way....I am still without a family.

So what do I do? I love whole heartedly the ones who love me enough to love me as I am. And don't expect me to be what they want. I live my life as full as I can manage right now. I try to treasure the small moments. And be better as a person then the ones I see around me who have qualities I despise.
Do I regret not being close to my family? Of course. I live every day with the pain of it. And yet...it is easier to suffer the pain of loving them from afar, then to....well...to have it be how it has been in the past.