No Comprende

I have been talking to Nik this last hour and it has got me to thinking. How can two people be so different?
I worry all the time that some tragedy will befall a member of my immediate family. And it will be made even more tragic because we are not speaking. And yet what would happen if I were to call....?

Judging from past experiences My sister would yell, or hang up the phone, call me a loser... or just not even listen. She might listen if I said she was completely right and I should have listened to her. But the truth is she was very wrong and I won't take full responsibility anymore.
My Mom would just use me for her needs until the next argument. And would bad mouth me to friends and family in the meantime. Anything that gets her sympathy/attention.

Harsh? Yes. Truth? Yes.

I wish with all of my heart that we could each own up to our own mistakes. Forget the past (Including anything that happened while we were kids that someone for some reason can't get over.) and just be a family. As a whole we are survivors of a tragic life. Separately we are letting the dictator who stole life from us to steal even more.

It feels as though I am the only one who sees that though. Every time I have been the first one to call, the first to forget, and the first to say sorry. But I can't do it anymore. I can't keep losing myself to please them. Because either way....I am still without a family.

So what do I do? I love whole heartedly the ones who love me enough to love me as I am. And don't expect me to be what they want. I live my life as full as I can manage right now. I try to treasure the small moments. And be better as a person then the ones I see around me who have qualities I despise.
Do I regret not being close to my family? Of course. I live every day with the pain of it. And is easier to suffer the pain of loving them from afar, then have it be how it has been in the past.

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