Tears of an insomniac.

It's 12:30 at night. Not really late for me anyone more since I am usually up till 3 or 4 with insomnia. But tonight is harder for some reason. And I couldn't keep laying in bed trying not to wake Seth with my crying.
I don't know what's wrong with Me!!!
I was always happy. I could smile through the shit storms! But now I just feel lost.
All evening I have been so pissed with Seth. He wanted to go play baseball with his friends tomorrow but he has a broken hand! So I fought with him for hours tonight until he decided not to go. But even then I still wasn't happy. And I couldn't figure out why!
Laying in bed I kept thinking about how the last three months I had been so understanding about his hand. I cook I clean I take care of Caden...But him wanting to go out left me so upset in a number of ways. I wanted to yell at him to spend some time playing with his son! Not playing a video game for an hour, or wrestling for ten minutes. But go outside and play baseball with him.
I was scared too. He spends so much time gone for work...how is it possible for him not to want to spend his nights at home? It felt like it was so easy for him to leave me. I know that just has to do with last summer...but that effects me everyday.
But what has hit me the hardest....is that I am so dam jealous of him. He has friends. And not just buddies...he has friends/brothers. People who have known him his whole life and they all have stories that go way back...and he has piles of friends like this. AND COUSINS!! He has grandparents, and aunts and uncles and cousins...all of whom love him and live close to him and support him.
I don't have any of that.
I don't have parents, siblings, I'm not close to my grandparents, cousins, aunts or uncles. I'm trying to get closer to them...but it's taking a lot of time.
My family didn't even stay in one place long enough for me to have a place I call home. I can think of roughly 300 people who know me, recognize me at least, and who all hope that I was able to put my horrible childhood behind me and become someone good...but no one close enough to really spend time with, or who is interested in anything more than just facial recognition.
Seth's friends call him all the time. He goes to camping trips with the men in his family, helps throw bachelor parties, he has even been in a few weddings. I don't have those things. And what's horrible is that when there is something that I want to do...we don't have the money.
I just want to go home! But I don't have one. how can I feel so lost over something that I have never had?
Oh my god I am crying so hard right now I can't even see the keys.

My best friend lives 2000 miles away. She has a little girl who will be 1 in a few months...and I have never even met her. What I wouldn't give to be sitting on her couch, drinking coffee, eating pop-tarts and channel surfing.
I miss you so bad Nikki.
I know I should go and wake Seth up but I just can't right now....I always feel so guilty of robbing him of his sleep.
I want family. I want my own family. People who love me and TRULY care about me just because I am me and they are my family.

I wish my family loved me as much as I love them.

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