Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Really? Again?

So today is a day of purging. I am venting. And getting all of this crap out of my head.
Right now I am about as irritated as a wet cat.


Yep. That picture about sums it up.
I'm not quite sure where to start on this story.....
Seth and I have a friend that we have known for over 5 years or so. Sometimes we go months without talking and sometimes we hang out all the time. The last few months him and I have been talking a lot more, and he had come been coming up to visit as well. At some point Seth started getting irritated with him. He felt I was sharing personal info with this friend and talking more than we should. I wasn't doing any of the first but I can understand the second. Hey I'm a Stay at Home Mom without a car living 2000 miles from my home and my best friend... My life consists of texting my friends all day long. Anywho... I never lied to Seth about this friend. However after awhile I got irritated by Seth always giving me the third degree because I felt he was being very hypocritical. So if he asked who I was talking to and I was talking to this person and someone else I would just tell Seth I was talking to the other person. Not a lie. But still not honesty.
The day I went to the cemetary to spend some time where we buried my best friend Shirley This guy came by. I had told him a week or so before it was my plan. And he even knew of the cemetary because he had been there before. I had been there a few hours when he showed up. He had been working nearby and came to check on me. We talked and I told him about Shirley, and he told me of a friend who had been like a brother to him who had died. At some point Seth drove up to pick me up. And all of a sudden I realized how that looked to Seth. I hadn't told him this person was there. And I had told Seth I wanted the time alone. Seth was mad. Angry like I had never seem him. He yelled at our friend. And then he questioned me the whole way home. I just felt horrible. I'll admit though...Part of me was glad Seth finally knew what it felt like. And part of me was pissed cause I am not used to being the one in trouble.
But I did everything Seth asked me to. I deleted this friend's number from my phone. I deleted him from my FB wall. I unsubscribed from his status updates. I gave Seth the Password to my FB, my email, my phone account so he could see who I was talking to, my Blog, My phone itself...whatever it was he asked for. Although I do feel I can point out...I never asked him for the same.
And of course he found nothing. Because there was nothing. Seth can't seem to get it through his head that I'm not like that.
Now for why I am really pissed.....
Seth was mad and hurt and I get that. And I apologized over and over again. And he needed to vent. And I get that too. But he had been talking to people about it that A) Had no business knowing. and B) He was talking to them about it before he talked to me. and C) I only found that out by going through his other phone.
This makes me mad too because Seth wants full disclosure from me on EVERYTHING, and yet he doesn't tell me stuff. He doesn't tell me hardly anything. It's so bad that he makes plans and then comes to me days later and says "Oh hey did I tell you this?" He talks to his friends all day long. Never bothers to tell me about it. He has even spoken to girls from out of state that he has never met! But he has some guy friend who is interested in them. OH and I don't find out about this for weeks later! And he is mad at me because he thinks I am being innapropriate? Come on now.
And of course when he is venting to his friends, who are mutual friends, does he bother to tell them any of this? No. Which is fine, whatever. His friends have always thought he was wonderful...so not much is gonna change that.
The only thing that irritates me is what a double standard. Seriously it makes me want to say Fuck you, talk to whomever I want and change my PW's. But in the end I'll be able to be the one who can say I have nothing to hide, and you can see that.
The emotional aspect to this is draining to me. Because I do not deserve to put up with this kind of Bullshit. Plain and simple.
 The last week I am trying to figure out why Seth's mom isn't answering my texts, and when I talk to Seth about it he makes excuses for her. Now I know it's because he is venting to her about all of this. WHICH he knows I don't like. His mom is the only one I don't like him talking to about our issues. Her and I are trying to work on our relationship and when he talks to her it destroys that. Like a few days ago She texts him telling him that He should take Caden to the doctor without me to see why Caden has really been sick so much recently. WHAT THE FUCK!? Allergies bitch! And what does Seth say back to her? Nothing, And then he tells me he says nothing because I tied his hands in sayin he couldn't vent to his mom about me. Seriously? Come on now.
And Seth, I know that you are going to be reading this post and you'll be upset because I didn't talk to you about any of this and you'll say you knew SOMETHING was irritating me the last few days but I just wouldn't talk....... Yup. Something was irritating me. And yup I didn't want to talk. As a matter of fact I still don't want to talk but I know you will. But I needed to get this out. And trying to bring it up to you first would have just caused an argument and I'm not ready to deal with that. But don't say that we haven't had conversations about this...Cause we have.
So currently my life and every aspect of it is under a microscope. And that's fine. Seth will talk to whomever he wants whenever he wants and 90% of the time I'll never know anything about it. Till my spidey sense starts tingling anyways.
Oh and one more thing...apparently we have friends who are reading my blog and then interpretting it for themselves and then Calling Seth to discuss it. Seth of course won't tell me who it is. All I have to say to whomever you are is grow some balls. Seriously. No one likes lurkers. And if you are stupid enough to interpret what I write I sure hope you are prepared for the consequences. I don't care if you are my best friend/brother/next door neighbor. You're an idiot. Try to pay attention And Maybe you'll learn something.
Oh and I hope you feel proud that Seth is with holding your name from his wife. Interpret that into Him saving you from an AssChewing.

So Today I am supposed to do laundry. But I am so irritated that I don't even want to be in this house...Let alone being domestic.



4 comments:

Kristina Lynn Hudson said...

This really is hard, I know. I think everyone in a relationship goes through something similar at one point, or many points, in the relationship. There's no easy way to get through it. Marriage can be very difficult, but so is every other relationship, whether it's parent and child, siblings, friends–it's all hard. You are a very strong person–I would have probably deleted my blog by now, knowing that people were lurking and talking about it to my family. And I think if you're being honest and true to yourself in life (as you are), than you're braver than most and should be proud. I really hope things get better soon for you guys.

Allie said...

Trust is hard, especially when you're trusting someone with your heart. Sometimes fear morphs into unwarranted jealousy, but you have to remember that it's created based off of the fear of losing the person you love the most. Stay strong, things will get better.

margg. said...

I hope you feel better after this rant :)

trust is hard.

Laina said...

I can feel your anxiety and frustration. My husband and I dealt with the same situation two years ago. I became friends with a guy friend who later professed his love for me and wanted me to leave my husband for him, my husband found out about it and told me to cut off all ties....I did. But I often feel like I sacrifice everything for him yet he lives his life however he wants and makes plans without telling me, etc. It's hard. Makes me feel like I am not equal to him. We have been together 11 years and married for 9 and still working on it. Communication is key though. Lay it all out on the table for him, tell him exactly how you feel even if it will hurt him or make him mad. There should never be secrets in a marriage. If he expects you to live by certain rules, then he should abide by those same rules as well. As for others reading your blog...that is your personal space to vent how you feel and it should not be used against you and people who use that against you are petty minded and small and need to focus on their own lives. You hang in there. :)