I've spent quite a bit of time since my last blog post doing a lot of soul searching. I think when you go through traumatic episodes in life, the best way to handle them is to look at how you could have done things differently or how you could have prevented what happened. It's so easy to place the blame on every one else involved. It's mostly second nature to "Pass the buck" onto someone else.
In doing this, I've started finding new thoughts to replace the old. A few weeks ago I was frantic and panicked about trying to get Seth back. I spent a lot of time crying and hurting and making myself feel even worse, but in taking a hard look at my own actions, I had to start taking a look at some of Seth's.
My mother will always be the 2nd person in line to shout to the world that I have made many mistakes. I will always be the first. But Seth, the person who knows me the best, has always been the first person to say that I am always trying to fix them. That I am always trying to fix myself. And that's true. Even in all of this, I still try to find the things that I did, that led up to my divorce. The things I did that pushed Seth to cheat on me. I ask him questions almost every day, and I apologize all of the time. I keep thinking that maybe he will see how sorry I am. Maybe he will see how willing I am to change. Maybe he will see how much I care about him and he will realize I am worth fighting for......
And then I have to realize....

I didn't cheat. I didn't leave. I didn't stop fighting. Not to the extent he has. I will text him jokes, or old memories, and over half the time he won't respond. He doesn't take the time to tell me when he thinks of me, or talk to me when he is sad. He won't hug me or tell me things will be ok when I am crying. When he is here on the weekends he will be cordial. But as soon as he leaves for the week, he is someone who'd rather forget that I existed.

Realizing that is a huge step for me. Realizing that there are bad things in this world that I don't deserve to have happen to me, period, is a lesson I have a hard time applying. But more so when I can see my own faults playing a part.
I don't deserve to be made to feel less important.

I made many mistakes in my marriage, but intentionally making Seth feel as though he means nothing to me isn't one of them. I shouldn't be made to feel like a "Starter Wife". He seems to think that this divorce will reinvent him and give him the chance he needs to become a better person. The sad thing is that he has spent his whole adult life with someone who always encouraged him to be the best person he could be. I deserve to be his wife when he is that person. That's the reward of marriage. You put a lot of time and forgiveness and patience into a person, because you know that they are doing them same thing for you. And the result is enjoying your life with someone who is constantly striving to be better. And that's what I deserve.

I can sense that I am reaching a turning point in this ordeal. I am coming up on the point where I start to move on. Part of me believes that Seth is waiting for me to get to that point, if only to say that I gave up too. And part of me wants to never give up so I can snidely prove him wrong. But where would that leave me? A life full of heartbreak waiting on someone who doesn't love me enough to fight for me.

Well you just couldn't let it go could you? You couldn't just call me and have it out, you had to keep being that traitorous knife in the back. You left your comment FOR ME, on someone else's blog, just so you could post it anonymously. Do you realize how childish that is? Do you think that gives you plausible deniability? Pretty much every blogger worth their words knows how to track an IP address. Consider that next time.

Since YOU chose to drag this on then let's get it all out on the table. You seem to think that the way YOU remember things is the only right way. But one thing you should have learned in your 50+ years is that No matter how flat you make a pancake there are always 2 sides.

1. Seth and I split up. He asked me to come live with him in Sacramento, I said no. Les and Helen also offered to let me live with them. I said no. As I recall you offered to pay my way out to come and see you in part because you felt that a break would help Seth and I work on things, but also because you and Elisha were having surgery and you needed someone to help take care of you both, since Kyle was gone, Talon was in school and Bill worked to support you. AND you wanted to see your only grand child. I have always thanked you for paying my way out. YOU didn't sell anything. Talon sold his X-Box to help me. I have always thanked the kids for pitching in. But don't make it sound as though you went to so much trouble on my account. I needed space to breathe and you two needed a live in nurse, cook and house cleaner. Which I did! I also pitched in for groceries. I did laundry. Helped out with the animals and the farm as well. Let's not forget how much money I gave you and Kurt to help pay bills and buy food while I was 15 and still lived at home. I have always done more than my fair share for my family. And I never complained about it. Pretty sure if you could learn to do the same, you'd be a much happier person.

2. At that time Seth had NOT cheated on me. And you did not encourage me at all when it came to making my marriage work. You and Bill and Elisha yelled at me the night that I left to get him from the airport. You made me cry and feel like the worst person in the world. Even though I knew what I was doing was the best thing, I was making my marriage work. My husband was trying to make our marriage work. I will never regret that decision. You even took me to the elders in the congregation because I (At 23 years of age) wouldn't do what you told me to, just because I lived in your house. Which was to divorce Seth and take full custody of Caden. I'm not a heartless witch like you. Seth loves Caden and is a good dad. I'm very sorry that you have always been too quick to harbor a grudge to see that. I will NEVER remove Caden from Seth's life as long as Seth chooses to put Caden first. Get that through your thick skull!

3. Seth looked hard for a job. The night he arrived he spent the whole time throwing up from the flu, and then went out that morning to look for a job. Which he did the entire 6 days we were at your house together. He applied EVERYWHERE that you or Bill or anyone else suggested. You just assumed he didn't want to be there, and wasn't actually looking. The sad thing was that he really wanted things to work our for us there with you and Bill. He wanted me to have the support and love of my family, since he'd had it for all the previous years. He wanted to get to know all of you and make it work. But YOU assumed, and YOU lied and YOU kicked us out. YOU chose to make things as hard on us as possible.
As I recall you waited for a time when Bill was out of town, then all of a sudden YOU couldn't find your checkbook. Instead of asking for help looking for it, you assumed Seth or I stole it. You and Elisha cancelled your checking act, and then had Bill come back early. You waited for Seth and I to LEAVE JOB HUNTING, and then you went through our room. You saw the obvious signs that we were still having sex, and decided to really make things rough. You and Bill sat us down and kicked us out. You gave us the number to a HOMELESS shelter, and then said that you would keep Caden. While we packed our things you and Bill and Elisha had a mini party in your bedroom WITH CAKE! You never once came out to help or say goodbye when you had the chance. We were right in your house so it wouldn't have been an inconvenience, IF you really loved your grandchild. Then what did you expect us to do? We went and stayed 2 nights with a friend, but since Seth already had an apt and a job in California, with a boss who wanted him back SO badly that he paid our gas and motels for the way home (Sounds like Seth is the kind of person who refuses to work pfft) We chose to go back to California. Why would I expect Seth, or even want to myself, to stay anywhere near you after that??

4. I mooched money off of everyone using Caden as an excuse??? 1 brother from your congregation gave me $50.00 for gas to help me with my job hunting. And I told him I would pay him back, but he said it was a gift from him and his wife. Sounds like I just robbed everyone blind!! Let's not forget that SETH'S BOSS PAID FOR OUR WAY HOME!! And his parents also loaned us money (That was paid back years ago) so that we could see some fun sites on our way home.

5. How can you even say that I never let you have contact with Caden after that? You never called. You never wrote letters or emails to him. I even sent you an email with a copy of his Kindergarten picture asking you to let me know if you wanted a real one because I had saved the 8x15 for you. And YOU never responded. When Caden and I came out there last year to say goodbye to Grandpa I allowed you to spend as much time with Caden as possible. You were the one who didn't allow us to come and visit you at your house, and refused to eat lunch with us when we drove through YOUR town on our way home. Don't try to play this game with me Mother Dearest. I have all of my cell phone bills and emails spanning back from the last 4 years, and I can back up everything I say.

6. You claim I am angry with you for working 4 jobs to support us kids. How much sense does that make? First of all YOU ARE THE MOM. You are the mom who CHOSE to marry the DEAD BEAT!! It was your job to support us. What you want a cookie?? A medal?? You chose to have children, and you never let any of us live it down that you could have been a famous horse trainer if you hadn't have gotten knocked up. Guess what?? Men plan and God laughs. That's right. Life doesn't go as planned. Do you think I wanted to become a mother at 19? NOPE! But I made the best of it. You will never catch me saying or thinking that my life would have been better if it wasn't for Caden. I am an amazing person, and it's in thanks to Caden. He is an awe-inspiring child. And that's due to Seth and I being grade A parents. Sorry if that's too much for you to wrap your head around but the proof is in the child himself. And let's not forget how hard I worked as well. I had a paper route when I was 11, and I also spent my summers working with you at the horse ranch. When we moved to Oklahoma I got up at 4 am to help Kurt deliver the mail, then I went to school, then I worked with you at the Grocery store, and then I went back to work with Kurt delivering mail. When we moved to Arkansas I got a job waitressing. Then at 15 years old I went to school to get my CNA license. When I couldn't find a job right away doing that I worked 2 jobs waitressing. Then I worked 40+ hours a week as a CNA. Then when you had your car accident I quite my job, that I enjoyed and went to school for, so that I could work at the bank with you and be able to drive you back and forth until you were healed. And every time you or Kurt asked me for money I gave it. I bought my own clothes and sundries as well. I even bought groceries. I worked hard for my family. I gave all of you everything I had. And as a very sad and depressed teenager, I did the best I could.

7. You never lied? You were always our best friend? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. How about telling me that my real-dad molested me JUST so that you could have a scriptural divorce and be able to remarry? How about faking "Hang-Up" calls while I was home alone, and telling me that my real dad wanted to kill me so that I was so scared we "Had" to move to Oklahoma to be safe? How about blaming an entire group of people for forcing you to marry Kurt? Pretty sure NO ONE forced you to marry anyone, especially not the day after your divorce was finalized from my dad. NO ONE would have encouraged you to marry or even date someone if your divorce was not finalized yet. Especially since you already had 3 kids. How about the fact that you KNEW Kurt was trying to mess with me? You once called me his "little whore". So you KNEW that he was trying to get into my room at night, you knew that I was the one sneaking out to sleep in the horse trailer at night, you also knew what would happen when you stopped sharing a room with him, and had me go bunk in the water heater closet ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE, while you share my bed with my sister. Because you knew he had rape fantasies, you also knew he had sodomized a young boy and molested his half sister, but you did nothing to protect us. You once told me that if I beat him up in self defense of one of the times he hit me, that you would call the police on me. Because you needed his SSI to pay the rent. With a best friend like you who needs enemies?? As far as I am concerned you are just as guilty for his actions as he is. Oh I know that you claim you were making plans to leave him! You just needed more time. But what were your plans again??? Oh that's right. You wanted me, at 17 years old, to co-sign on a mortgage loan for a house with you. Why?? Why, when you could have easily afforded to buy a house on your own in town, did you need my help?? Because YOU wanted a house in the country. You looked right at me and said "I won't give up my horses. No man will ever make me give up my horses again." But what you meant was "No one, man or child." You were selfish. You chose your wants over the needs of your children. And you wonder why you never got that mother of the year award.

8. Do you remember what happened about 2 years ago when I called you crying because I found out I had the start of cervical cancer what you said to me? "That's what you get for having a cheating husband." And you wonder why I don't want you in my life.

9. You have even gone so far as to write out your sister, brother and parents from your life. Your parents who have GIVEN YOU PLENTY OF MONEY, to help you pay your bills. Or PAID YOUR GAS just so you could come and visit them. And what did you do?? YOU wrote all of them horrible letters telling them that they were bad people and that they were not allowed in your life. YOU also refused to help your dad out when he was dying in the hospital. Your siblings came from thousands of miles away to be there, and you couldn't even drive the hour to the hospital to help out your mother OR go to the funeral. All you could do was sew discord, instead of make peace.

You are a lying, miserable, pathetic excuse of a woman. I want nothing to do with you. I don't seek you out online and try to make you feel bad for yourself or your past actions. I learned to let it all go. I realized that as sad as it made me to have "Orphan status" I was happier in the long run without you being a feature in my life. I have always loved you, Bill and the my siblings. I have always felt a big gaping whole in my life that I do not know my siblings as adults. But all I can do is wait for the day Jehovah God opens their eyes to the truth about me. Instead of only hearing your constant lies and assumptions in their ears over and over and over.

Do you need more Mother Dearest??? Because I can continue. Are you going to have Elisha try to stand up for you next? There isn't anything anyone can say at this point, to redeem you. All you do is lie. And you do it over and over and over again to try to prove that you speak the truth. You try to make your memories everyone else's. You brain wash them. It's a sick and sadistic trait of yours. And it's why you will not have a relationship with your grandchild until you change. If anything happens to me FULL Custody goes to Seth. If anything happens to Seth and me, full custody goes to SETH'S PARENTS, Les and Helen. Or Seth's Sister and her husband. And next in line is our best friends KEVIN AND JENA. And no one is under any obligation from me to have you be a part of his life.

Get it through your head. I can sit here and be as miserable and as angry about my past as you can. I can find a million different ways to blame you. But I don't need to. My life made me the strong person and good mother that I am. Crap happens. That's just life in this system. But I will not allow it to continue. Until you can learn to take responsibility of your own mistakes and make HONEST apologies and changes, you and I are not family. You are not my mother.

And you need to stay out of my life.

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Your most despicable Comment

I hope you now see that the only thing you have succeeded in doing is firming my resolve to keep you out of my life, and proving how many people love me and are willing to stand up for me.
I am a good person. With a good heart. My friends love me, and consider me family. But more importantly, Jehovah loves me and has forgiven me for all of my past mistakes, My conscience is clean. And because of that, I couldn't care less how you feel or view me.

Try to enjoy living your life, it will be much easier to do when you have your nose out of mine.

LOL Ya I am sure you are ready for another flood like yesterday! I am so behind on everything.
I wanted to give you all an update on my Grandfather. His kidneys and heart are failing. But he is more alert and even able to do Physical Therapy if he wants it. the doctor's have no explanation. Every day is another day just waiting for a message from a family member on how his night was. My poor Aunt is still out there. I think this is her 3rd week. And I am sure she is stressed to the max right now. My Uncle just got back home and I am sure he is hitting the ground running. And my mother of course can't be bothered and is MIA. Too bad she can't be bothered to help out her family for once. Oh well that's a story for another day!
Main thing is that while Grandpa is doing better, his condition is still serious and it's just a waiting game right now.
But all of the cards, emails and wishes you all have sent have been getting me through. I am sorry I haven't written back, I have just been really stressed and depressed about it all. But know that I read all of them, and they meant so much to me!

I do have some more reviews to write up. ENJOY! There are give aways too!
I am gonna be working with CSN Stores again! I am so in love with the look of Upholstered Headboards right now. CSN Stores has a great selection of them too!
I want this one. I fall in love every time I see it!!

As I mentioned last week my grandfather went into the hospital. He  has been treating diabetic ulcers on his remaining foot. He lost his battle and they amputated his remaining leg. However his heart was not strong to start with. Now he is in the ICU from suffering a massive heart attack late Saturday night. He is intubated, and some what sedated. But he really only reacts to painful stimuli. They have had to shock his heart many times the last few days, to get a regular rhythm. And earlier he coded and they had a hard time bringing him back. He is going into surgery today to have a catheter put into his heart.
However his kidneys and heart are not functioning well so we are unsure of the outcome. 
My scheduled posts for this week are cancelled. If someone would like to be the main host for the Naughty List this week please let me know. 
If you would like to stay more up to date on what is going on feel free to friend me on Facebook. My name is MissCrystal Nelson.
Thank you to everyone for your prayers, warm wishes and comfort at this time.

I remember being 11 years old and crying myself to sleep.
It wasn't a random occurrence by any means.
It was usually a nightly thing.
My sister and I shared a bed and I remember her falling asleep right away and I would be up crying. I was so lonely. I felt so unloved.
I remember praying, actually praying, that someone would be driving past our house, looking for a safe place to leave their baby that they couldn't raise.
And I would find it, and raise it. And it would love me, and we would be our own family.
And I use to ask for that on a nightly basis.
I understand there is something seriously wrong with an 11 year old who would pray for a baby to raise. But that urge to have someone love me completely followed me for years. And of course it got me into lots of trouble.
I worked very hard for my mom and my step father's love. Sometimes I think they loved me. But most of the time they used my emotions to get what they wanted.
Now I have nothing to give and they completely ignore me.
(I should say my mother. I have had nothing to do with my first step father for many years now.)
My mom only saw me and Caden once when I was out there in July.
All of the family together for the first time in close to ten years and she wouldn't make the effort to come see me. She wouldn't even let us come visit her when we called offering to make the hour drive ourself.
Now my grandfather, the only one whom I have ever known, my mom's stepfather, who raised her as a child and adopted her  as his own, is going in for surgery. He is having to have his other leg amputated. A thing that I can't even comprehend happening to me, let alone my grandfather. And my mom is not making an effort to be there for him. My mom, the closest child to them by far! My aunt lives in SoCal and she flew out for two weeks to help out. Everyone else has been calling and texting daily for updates. My mom has not made the effort what so ever.
Apparently we have all lost our usage to her. And I know she gets off on this. She likes to whine and moan to anyone who will listen that her life was so hard. She was the black sheep. And her family disowned her. The simple truth of the matter is that she pushed everyone out. She used every excuse possible to keep them far away.
But the family stayed as close as they could get for the sake of us kids. And they were always there when we needed them.
I'm realizing now how much I have been hurt by having an emotionally distant mom. How much it has hurt my relationships with others. And how it effects me as a parent.
It's weird how I have been able to deal with and heal from all of the physical and sexual abuse, and yet this continues to haunt me.
This person who has made it abundantly clear that I mean nothing to her, I still love, I still ache for, and I still want to love me.
I want to be that baby, and I want for her to be that baby.
Such a crazy mixed up person to have this jumble of emotions.

I remember this day so well. 5 years ago I was in the Hospital, with Seth, my Mom, my oldest brother Kyle, Seth's Parents and sister and dozens of friends. I had gone in the day before to be induced.
I was not ready to be a mom when I found out I was pregnant. I was 19, and Seth and I had been married around a year and a half. I was also on the pill. I just felt like I had the flu for weeks. Finally Seth, jokingly, said I should take a pregnancy test. I did but we couldn't read it well. It didn't say no. But it didn't say yes either. So I waited a week and took another. And I didn't believe it. I figured I had cancer. For nine months, through ultrasounds and heart beat moments and feet kicks and a baby shower I kept telling myself everyone was wrong. I had cancer.
I went into the Hospital on the 16th of October at noon. It was a Sunday. We got all checked in and they gave me everything to induce. Monday the 17th at noon they finally broke my water. I hadn't eaten the whole time I was in the Hospital and I was so hungry, so my little brother kept sneaking me M&M's. Which I of course would throw up. The nurse would come in and scold us. And we'd do it again.
Finally around 3 I was having constant contractions, and unbearable back labor so I asked for an epidural. Which was wonderful for an hour. Then the pain was horrible, but I wasn't dilated enough to push. So they gave me fentanol. Peace. For a half hour. So they gave me more. That didn't even take effect. Finally at 6 pm they kicked everyone out and I started to push. Seth held one hand, with his mom next to him, my Mom and Seth's sister were on the other side. I was pushing for what felt like an eternity. At one point the nurses put their firsts into my stomach and started trying to help push him out. I remember this one nurse yelling at me to push and I screamed at her I AM PUSHING!!! (The first time I was unpleasant during the entire ordeal and everyone in the room stopped and laughed at me!) The next thing I knew my doctor grabbed a pair of scissors and I screamed at her DONT YOU DARE CUT ME!! But the nurses held me down and she did it anyways. at 6:57 pm Caden was born. They placed him on my chest and he just stared at me. My little cancer had the biggest eyes. I remember thinking later that I never counted his fingers and toes because I kept looking at his eyes.
When they took him away from me he started to cry. And I told Seth to go be with him.
All of a sudden the contractions started again and I thought "OH Shit! TWINS!" Thankfully it was just the placenta. The doctor sowed me up and everyone left the room following the baby out.. I was in their by myself for an hour when a maintenance man came in to clean the floor. He was quite surprised to see a woman with her feet in the stirrups! He yelled for a nurse who went to yell at my family for leaving me alone instead of helping me to clean up. I was just panicking that something was wrong with Caden.
He was born with a wet umbilical cord. Unbeknown-st to us he was 2 weeks late! And the cord had started to dissolve while he was in me, not giving him the food and nutrients he needed. So they were being extra careful with him.
He was finally brought to me and I started dealing with the idea that I was a mom.
5 years later and I am still adjusting!
My favorite pictures over the last 5 years.