Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Up until a few years ago a lot of people didn't like me.
To be blunt, most people thought of me as a real bitch. (Not in the god way. )
I didn't mind talking bad about people behind their backs. I held grudges. I judged unfairly. I enjoyed saying things in a way that would shock other people. I had no problem getting up in someone's face and telling them what I thought.
I was not a nice person.
And the majority of the friends I had at that time were just like me.
When I started to change, a lot of it was because I saw myself in those friends. And I didn't like me. I knew the reputation I had and I knew it wasn't the real me.
It was the me I used to keep everyone else out so I didn't get hurt. It took me a long time to figure that out though. A lot of years of pissing off or hurting people.
I was the first of my so-called friends to change, some of them still haven't.
I have made so many changes the last few years that sometimes I don't recognize myself. But everyone else does. And most people are still really wrapped up in who I used to be. I'm not denying that I hurt other people in what I said or did. But I have come a long way from that. And it's really hard when people would rather focus on what I did then. Especially people that I care about.
I carried my bad attitude for so long. I had a chip on my shoulders from my parents, getting married at such a young age, having a baby young...I had so much anger in everything I'd had to give up or had lost over the years.
For a long time I blamed a lot of that on Seth. It wasn't fair that we had both made the same decision, yet I lost all and he lost nothing. I felt it was his job to make up to me everything I had given up and more. I'm still trying to reconcile myself to the fact that No matter what decision I had made I would have still lost it all.
2 years ago, a woman came into my life, very briefly, and she changed me. She opened up a part of me that I didn't know I had. I was happy and open and changing myself into a woman I might be proud of one day. She taught me what it was like to be loved unconditionally by a mother. And when she died I thought I would close back up, in my shell, and be safe. But she had changed me so deeply that I couldn't close up again.
Blogging helps me remember who I want to be. I have some really great friends now. Some of whom I wouldn't have had a few years ago. And while I wish I could open the eyes of the people I love, to whom I am now, Instead I'll focus on the ones who see me as I am now. Who see that I am trying. Who see that I am trying to recognize my faults and change them.
And I hope that I will be able to fully open my eyes to the people in my life who won't acknowledge my changes and my efforts.
And that I have the courage to kick their ass's to the curb.