Tuesday, September 28, 2010

More personal thoughts.

Up until a few years ago a lot of people didn't like me.
To be blunt, most people thought of me as a real bitch. (Not in the god way. )
I didn't mind talking bad about people behind their backs. I held grudges. I judged  unfairly. I enjoyed saying things in a way that would shock other people. I had no problem getting up in someone's face and telling them what I thought.
I was not a nice person.
And the majority of the friends I had at that time were just like me.
When I started to change, a lot of it was because I saw myself in those friends. And I didn't like me. I knew the reputation I had and I knew it wasn't the real me.
It was the me I used to keep everyone else out so I didn't get hurt. It took me a long time to figure that out though. A lot of years of pissing off or hurting people.
I was the first of my so-called friends to change, some of them still haven't.
I have made so many changes the last few years that sometimes I don't recognize  myself. But everyone else does. And most people are still really wrapped up in who I used to be. I'm not denying that I hurt other people in what I said or did. But I have come a long way from that. And it's really hard when people would rather focus on what I did then. Especially people that I care about.

I carried my bad attitude for so long.  I had a chip on my shoulders from my parents, getting married at such a young age, having a baby young...I had so much anger in everything I'd had to give up or had lost over the years.
For a long time I blamed a lot of that on Seth. It wasn't fair that we had both made the same decision, yet I lost all and he lost nothing. I felt it was his job to make up to me everything I had given up and more. I'm still trying to reconcile myself to the fact that No matter what decision I had made I would have still lost it all.
2 years ago, a woman came into my life, very briefly, and she changed me. She opened up a part of me that I didn't know I had. I was happy and open and changing myself into a woman I might be proud of one day. She taught me what it was like to be loved unconditionally by a mother. And when she died I thought I would close back up, in my shell, and be safe. But she had changed me so deeply that I couldn't close up again.
Blogging helps me remember who I want to be. I have some really great friends now. Some of whom I wouldn't have had a few years ago. And while I wish I could open the eyes of the people I love, to whom I am now, Instead I'll focus on the ones who see me as I am now. Who see that I am trying. Who see that I am trying to recognize my faults and change them.
And I hope that I will be able to fully open my eyes to the people in my life who won't acknowledge my changes and my efforts.
And that I have the courage to kick their ass's to the curb.


Donda said...

It is hard to change someone's perception of you. I have the same problem. But you can do it, one day at a time. Believe me, I know.

JenH said...

I love you and think you are a wonderful sweet person! You are a strong classy woman. A woman who knows how to get what she wants! That is really admirable. I wish i could be more like that! You were one of my only 3 girlfriends who stuck by me through everything with all my family drama when I was dating and getting married. You never judged me and were always there for me and still are! I could never thank you enough. It really meant the world to me. Still does. I look up to you in a lot of ways. I know you are a really great caring person and thank for for being such a awesome friend to me. I'm always here for you too! Love you!

The Green-Eyed Brat said...

Donda...I'm taking notes again!

Big Fat Gini said...

It takes a really big person to admit their faults. It takes an even bigger person to take the steps to fix them.

Donda is right, one day at a time. And you'll get there.

Amy J - Book Addict said...

I agree. It takes a big person to admit when they are wrong or a bad person. I am happy you have changed in a good way! Don't worry what everyone else thinks of you, The Royals will have your back!

Margaret said...

All you can do is change what you want to change and people who really care about you will see that and the others don't really matter!

Allie said...

This was a great post. Sometimes you have to act like someone you're not to find who you really are. I know I've never actually met you, but I can tell you've come so far from the time you talked about, and you should be so proud of yourself for realizing that the way you were acting wasn't the way you wanted to be perceived.

Kimberly said...

Sounds familiar... but I know you can do it.
Lovin the new look... it's got a happier vibe.
Just workin on my naughty list and thought I'd say hi!
All the best,

-MissC* said...

Donda thank you! It's really encouraging to hear that from you.
Jen, you freaking made me cry. And I'm not even kidding. i love you!
Thanks Gini!
Amy- you know how much I love you and The Royals!
Margaret- I am trying to figure out who the good ones are! Wish me luck!
Allie you were one of my very first followers! So your words really mean a lot to me! You are a very special chick and I love all of your comments!
Kim i promise i will set an alarm to take care of the Naughty List by Monday!!! LOL

B said...

I'm very confused- I thought you were a JW? Are you DF? Please tell me if you are, I don't want someone DF on my FB. Your blog is not something a JW would have it's not Christian.

-MissC* said...

LOL Yes I am a JW. And no I am not DFed. If you have taken offense to something on my blog than I'm sorry for that. I weigh each post before I submit it.
If you don't like it then feel free not to read it.

Nikki said...

First off, I think you rock but you know this, and no matter what I love you....am I one of those who needs to change ;)??

Secondly, Dear B, I forget that some think that once you become a Christian you lose your flair and that which makes you unique. I'm sorry that her individuality offends you so. Silly of me, but I thought for sure it wasn't our place to judge each other, nor our place to say whose the better Christian and who isn't. I'll pray for you dear...