Monday, June 21, 2010
All I can picture is those two stupid kids we were, saying our vows at 4 am to the justice of the peace in Vegas.
When I look back at my life as a whole piece it seems very empty. So many people have come in and out of my life. No one has ever stayed long enough.
I know how to push people away. And I knew that Seth would leave me at some point. So I didn't fully let him in. I knew that if I kept myself one carefully measured step back, that when he left it wouldn't hurt so much. I didn't ever realize that by keeping him out I was actually pushing him away. It broke my heart the day I realized he wasn't leaving me, that I was shoving him out the door. And it's been one of the hardest lessons I have learned.
I remember feeling distraught when we admitted to each other that we were not the people the other one needed. And feeling very scared when we decided to try to make it work anyways. Seth is not perfect. But when he decided to change he really did it. And in promising to follow his lead I have made changes too. And slowly we are turning ourselves into the person that the other one needs. It's been a hard 7 years. But I am glad to have gone through it with someone who will fight as hard as I do. And who is still able to surprise me with new things about himself.
In some ways I can even say that my disease has helped us in growing closer. It's made me lean on him and ask help from him in ways that I never would anyone else. And I can honestly say that if I ever lost him I would be a broken woman.
When I left my home my parents told everyone how much happier they were without me. That I made them miserable. 7 years and Seth is happy. Even on the days when I am a huge pain in the ass, he still loves me. He has been by my side longer than anyone else I know. lol he holds the record! And all he has ever told anyone else is that I have made his life better. That heals my heart.
7 years. We have packed so much life into 7 years that I am not sure what else is out there for us!
Happy Anniversary Seth. Thank you for the last 7 years.