Tonight I watched a really sad movie. (Not my intent... I thought it was supposed to be heart warming)
A husband and wife had drifted a part.... They found more reasons to hate and distrust each other than being in love. Eventually she killed herself and he was left to realize what he lost. I kept thinking...
"Why didn't they just get divorced?"
Because neither one of them could stand to live without the other one, even though living together meant they were miserable.
And it made me wonder... What's worse... Death or Divorce?
Granted, I have never lost a spouse to death, but I have lost important people to death.
I know that stabbing, almost physical pain that comes. Knowing you will never see that person again, or hear their voice, or share anything with them again.
But I also know how that pain fades.

......I feel like I don't know how to write the rest of this without seeming insensitive.

Well I think you all know where I am going with this. Maybe the pain fades over time because that person isn't in front of you and just out of reach  every single day.

Instead of having to let go and disconnect from someone who is physically gone and never coming back, I have to try to separate myself from someone who is right in front of me every single day. And I am not getting over losing someone who was lost to all of us unexpectedly... I have lost someone simply because they no longer wanted to be married to me. And I am in this loss alone. I honestly don't know how to do it.

I know, they all say the pain will fade. That at some point I will look back at this time and see how far I've come and what I have survived... But right now it doesn't feel that way. Right now it just feels raw and in my face daily.

I guess the only thing that is left to be said tonight is that I really hope this is all worth it in the end. I truly do want to see myself out of all of this pain and sadness and into something very happy.

I'm sure you can see exactly where this post is headed.
My husband and I, of 8 years, have decided to get a divorce.

As anyone who has ever been divorced knows, this is not a decision that we reached lightly. And yes, there was infidelity on his part. It's been about a month and a half at this point, since I learned about his mistake and started trying to decide if I could forgive him and move on, and also give him the time to figure out if he wanted to still be married. In many ways, my answer hinged on his, in the end we realized that trust was gone, and we needed to move on in life without each other. But I gave us a month-ish for emotions to calm down before I made a decision. In that time I didn't kick Seth out, or break his golf clubs, or call him out on Facebook or even empty his bank account. (No, really; I'm serious!!) And after I talked to him about the decision I had made, we waited a week before we told Caden. (Who is handling things pretty well, so far.) For as much as most of you would love to have me air the dirty laundry on this matter and make myself feel better (Momentarily) as well, I am not going to.

We have our son to consider. And because of that we have tried to remain as cordial as possible.  I am keeping the apt and the furniture, and he can have his electronics. Caden lives with me, and Seth sees him every day.
Seth has already moved out too, so now it's time for healing and legalities.

I wish this wasn't happening. I do not want to be 26 and picking up the pieces of my life. Some days I am barely holding myself together. Thankfully I have some really amazing friends who let me lean on them, and who call and yell at me, or drag me out of bed, when I am hiding out. Some days I can't stand being in the house, and some times all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry the day away. I am heart broken to be losing my best friend. But I know that I made the right decision, for the right reasons. I also know, and he has told me, that I was a great wife. I don't know if that makes this easier, or worse....

When the day comes that Caden comes to me with questions, I know that I can look him in the face and tell him that I did my best. And really, what else matters.

As of right now, this is all I want to say on this subject. The emotions are so hard to handle and I know I am going to say something I will regret at some time. Thank you all, in advance, for your kind comments.
<3

As most of you readers know I have been going to Carrington college this last year to become a Veterinary Technologist. I chose a private college because I would be done in 22 months instead of 4 years. It is an accelerated course but I study well and am a willing student, and knew I would be fine.
Unfortunately their policies screwed me.
For my surgery, I missed 6 days of school. But they count it consecutively. So according to them I missed 13, and their policy mandates that, even with Doctor's notes-Even with the fact that I turned in homework while absent, they must dock me a full letter grade.
They also say that once you are back in class you must take all of the tests you missed that day. I had one hour to complete 7 tests, all on subjects that I wasn't in class to know anything about. (It doesn't help that I already get testing anxiety.) And this school only cares about your core grades, your test grades. So I was pretty much sunk from there.
For this school, if you fail one class by even 1 point, you repeat the whole term. So when I went in to talk with my teachers yesterday they let me know that they wanted me to repeat. And that was my only option.
Repeating is rough. I would be in a different time schedule, which means losing most of my hours at work. I would also be with a completely new class, losing all of my friends. I would also be given harder tests and homework, and anything below a B on a test would automatically drop me from the program. (Even if it happened 2 weeks in, I would still owe them for the whole 6 month term.)
I have spent a lot of time thinking and praying about what to do, and my decision is to not return to Carrington College when the new class starts next week. 
I can't tell you how hard it was to make this decision. I love being in school. I love my friends. And most of all, I know how this school already works and I do not want to change and start over. But those reasons are not good enough.
I haven't given up my dream to become an RVT however. I have already started looking into the city college courses and am pretty excited!
It's hard not to feel like I have failed at something. To be honest, this has really only strengthened my resolve on what I want to do. I want to be an RVT. I want to work and specialize with Large Animals. (No Queen, that doesn't include gators. Sorry.)
Plus I am pretty sure I have gotten the best that Carrington College had to offer me.
I got an amazing job! With an amazing Veterinarian who really teaches me and helps me.
(BTW You all need to go and Like their Facebook page right now, for me!!)
I milked a goat:

I also have the most amazing friends.

Some of whom have become my family.

I'm sad that this last year of my life has come to an end with not much to show for my hard work. But I am excited to see what happens next! And I know that Nikki will be happy to have me back online, in the blogger world, and also having time to answer her phone calls!

Not the one we wanted though.
Let's take a step back in time...... Do ya'll remember me talking about my ulcers?
Allow me to refresh your memory...
There was the 4 am "Ulcer pain wake up call".
There was the "Had to leave dinner at a friend's due to ulcer pain".
There was the 2 weeks that I spent "Drinking cabbage juice to cure ulcers."
And then for good measure "An update on my ulcers" post.
There was the time I fainted due to my "Ulcer pain" and the only one home was Caden, who was 4. There was the time that I was taken out of a Kohls by an ambulance because of my "Ulcer pain". And also a time I laid on my inlaws couch and cried due to my "ulcer pain". I could continue... But I think you get the point that my "Ulcers" have made my life hell for the last 2 years. I'd had an endoscopy done, no ulcers found. And I'd had a barium swallow done, no ulcers found.
Anywho... on Saturday the 2nd of July I started getting "ulcer" pain. Which kept me up all night, and which I still had when I woke up. So I decided to go to the Emergency room. But not the same one I had been to the last 2 years. I wanted a new opinion!!
So I went to the ER and (When I finally get seen) the Nurse asks me if I'd ever had my gall bladder looked at. Nooooooooooooooooo. So during my next 4 hours of waiting in the ER to be seen I googled my gall bladder. And BINGO!! What do you think I read?

• Pain or tenderness under the rib cage on the right side
• Pain between shoulder blades
• Stools light or chalky colored
• Indigestion after eating, especially fatty or greasy foods
• Nausea
• Dizziness
• Bloating
• Gas
• Burping or belching
• Feeling of fullness or food not digesting

 I had what was called a Cholycystectomy.



Much more happened that week... But I will write more later. Stay tuned!

I am sure most of you have heard of, or seen the newly publicized documentary about A.D.D. Called

ADD & Loving it?! 

And he's been reading it daily.
It's been interesting to learn just how much ADD effects him. I always knew it's why he is so impulsive. But Road rage!?! That was a new one to me. Some of his behaviors that always irritated me are also signs of ADD. Which means I also have to change my way of thinking. Some things, like his inability to pay attention, remember details, or completing tasks, I thought he would just grow out of. It's hard to accept that these will be things that are always with us.
While Seth found the documentary fascinating I was actually really saddened by it. Listening to the woman who were married to men with ADD made me so upset. They were so calm! One wife kept talking about How you just have to be patient and be steady for them at all times. And all I could think about was screaming at her.
Seth, for his part, has been going back and forth on how he feels about finally realizing he has REAL ADD and that it's not just a joke. He is scared to go through the hassle of finding a doctor that believes in ADD and not someone who will just want to shove pills on him. I think he is struggling too, with the fact that he wasn't diagnosed as a child. I think he wonders how much different he'd be now if he'd been given the tools to help him then.
It's also odd for us to have another medical issue in the house. With my PCOS I am constantly trying to keep my mind and body in balance. He's always been the strong one for me in dealing with my disease and the impending problems arising with it. Now we both have something to deal with on a daily basis.
To help him deal with all of this, he has decided to start writing a blog on being an adult with ADD.
It's call A.D.D. You Suck!
Please go and check it out. I know he'd love the help and support.

This week I start my finals. I have one every day for the next 4 days. They will basically decide if I go onto next term or not. I am so nervous. I was doing really well with testing, until we had our midterms. Not doing well on those put me (And most of my class) on academic probation. I have worked really hard since then and brought my grades back up. However, if I don't do well on finals my grades will drop again. The worst part is that if I am 1 point failing, in one class, I have to repeat the whole term. Which, due to scheduling, I won't be able to do. (Next term the class is in the evening instead of during the day) So I am a nervous wreck.
I love this class. Becoming a Registered Veterinary Technician has been my whole focus for the last 5 months. It's not only what I want to do, but for the first time I feel like I am becoming who I am supposed to be. School has been stressful and yet I have been so happy. All I see ahead of me is graduating with my classmates and doing a job that makes me feel proud of myself.
I didn't ever make a plan B. I've never failed at anything before and I just can't imagine what I would do.
I am trying really hard not to think about it, not to focus on it. Just breathe and focus on my tests. But I'm having bad dreams at night, reminding me that no matter how hard I work on not stressing out, I am still stressing out.

So suck it to the rest of you.


I really kind of feel like ending my post right there.... But ya'll know  I am not that mean.
I NEED this week to be over. It's been long and stressful.
The good news is I only have 2 more weeks and I am done with this term and I get 10 days off.
YUP!!
No spring break for me. Just 10 days in between terms.
However... That ten days sounds FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC!!!
I feel like a cave troll anymore.
I am nose-to-the-grindstone-never-take-my-nose-out-of-a-book busy.
But it seems to be paying off!!
And I think I will be spending my break moving.
Although I do have a delicious offer of a night of dancing that I will soooo be following up on.

Enjoy your Thursday my lovelies.
And be very jealous of me and my 1st Friday of the weekend.

Well school is school is school.
No, I really do love being in school.
So what is the issue you ask?
Well.... I can't quite put my finger on it.
I know it's partly me, and I know it's partly the school.
My teachers are out-of-this-world fan-freakin-tastic.
I couldn't love them more.
But they are swamped with work. And over burdened.
My program's director took emergency medical leave a few months ago and hasn't returned.
Our Dr who also taught, found out she was pregnant and stopped teaching.
Now we have 3 teachers and one new Dr trying to teach 4 classes. It's not enough.
They don't even have the time to tutor us.
A good portion of my class is not doing well, the whole class is behind schedule, and We will all find out tomorrow who is on Academic probation when we FINALLY get our report cards. (Which are about a month over due.)
I know I am not doing well in Chemistry. I think I will need to bring up my grade at least 5 points, but I have a month to do it in. If I fail one class, by even one point... I have to redo the entire term.
Needless to say, I am stressing out.
The sad part is that when it comes to the practical skills, the ones I use every week in my clinic, I am amazing! My vet, who gets my free labor in exchange for the hours the state requires me to put in, already wants to hire me. My teachers have told me that they trust me and show it, by using me in class.
But when it comes to cell biology, oogenesis, genetics and punnet squares... Well I get lost.
I have to keep reminding myself that I am not getting a Veterinary degree.... A Science degree.
I think I am probly one of the most prepared students in class as well. I always have the books needed, homework is always done ahead of time, and I always do the extra reading.
I just keep thinking What if I fail this term? I wouldn't get to continue with my friends!
I suppose tomorrow will tell.

                    I recently had the pleasure of using a phrase that makes my inlaw's blood run cold:

I have been really contemplating on whether or not to say anything about this. The more I think about it, the more I feel it's something I need to do. I feel like someone has forgotten I am not someone to screw over. So I am going to lay it all out.
Tuesday night, or Wednesday morning depending on how you look at it, at 3 am, Seth and I were sleeping. (As most normal people with lives do.) When Seth's phone starts ringing. Ya. Now I will back track and say that it had taken me a few hours to fall asleep, then Caden woke me needing some cough medicine, so having the phone go off was just the icing on the cake. We both roll over to see who in the world is calling. I know I was praying it was not his parents or sister with some sort of emergency. Because really....What other phone call could you expect to receive at 3 am?
The call came from a restricted number. I'm pretty sure Seth wanted to ignore it, but since it was so random, he decided to answer it. Here is the convo:

Seth: Hello?
Weird Girl: Hey Seth!
Seth: Who is this?
Weird Girl: .....Your friend, Tania.
Seth: I don't know anyone named Tania.
Tania: Are you alone?
Seth: No.
Tania: Can you get alone?
Seth: Nooooo. I am sleeping.
Tania: Well I need to talk to you about Miss. She has been messing around on you with (Insert male friend's name here.) 
Seth: Ok
Tania: I am his new GF now and I have seen the pictures.
Seth: Ok can you call me tomorrow? I'm sleeping now.
Tania: Well ok what time?
Seth: Any time.
Tania: I won't bother you at work?
Seth: Nope.
Tania: And we can talk alone?
Seth: Sure.
Tania: Ok bye.


"Tania" never bothered to call back. Oh and we don't know anyone by the name of  "Tania".
Now.... Obviously this person knows us, and knows our friend that she named, as the man I have been having an affair with. That's not a large list of people by any means. Then when you think of who we know would go this far to create drama... Ya.... That list gets shortened down to ONE. You weren't very smart were you?

So let's think about this. Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, hadn't slept that well already, I had a HUGE test in the morning, been at school all week and was already tired, I had dealt with the donkeyman in school already, and I had a son who was getting sick, not to mention my husband is currently out of work.
SO..... You decided to try making our lives worse. Why exactly?
Cause after that phone call we just sort of laid in bed in shock... Until Caden had a nightmare and we had to get up with him. After that I couldn't sleep so I just stayed up and studied till it was time to go to school.

Before I go much further, Sorry my thoughts are jumbled, I am still trying to collect myself from this most random and stressful phone call, I will address your claim.
No. I am not cheating on Seth, with anyone. Duh. But especially not with someone I haven't seen since May. That would be kind of impossible. Let's also take into consideration that I haven't had a car in a year, and up until he started school I had Caden with me 24/7. And he is only in school in the morning. Now I am in school and have homework and barely have time to clean my house. Which, as everyone knows, is a huge deal for me! So please, in all your infinite wisdom, tell me when I have been able to squeeze in time to cheat?

Dear Drama Queen,
You are a horrible person. I hope you know that. You have decided to be the devil's pawn and try to hurt two people who are already struggling to get through this world. Did you even bother to consider how much stress we are under right now? And you wanted to add to that? What is wrong with you? No I seriously want to know. 
We have our lives. We have our son. And you think it's funny to try to mess with that? Do you have no respect for the sanctity of marriage, or for other people, or even for yourself since you have clearly sunk down to the lowest depths of slime that a human can possibly reach. 
Obviously it's time that someone in your family be taught the lesson that messing with someone else's marriage is wrong and makes you a waste of skin.
I know that your parents tried their best to raise you according to scriptural standards. Which means you know the guideline that if you feel someone has committed a wrong doing, you should go and speak TO THAT PERSON. You wouldn't call their spouse at 3 am and try to talk to them privately, while calling yourself by a fake name. I mean, what did you expect would happen? That he would wake me up and scream and yell at me while you got to listen in? Or that he would sneak out of our bed to talk with you privately and pour his heart out to you? Did you think it would be some magical moment where the two of you would connect? (I can see why you might want that, He is cute and makes great babies....But he didn't like you before this slut!)  If you thought anything close to either of those options you are even more stupid than I gave you credit for. 
Because here's the thing... Seth hates drama. He despises it. He has had me get rid of friends that he felt were too dramatic just because he can't stand it in his life. So seriously.... You only managed to piss him off with your own actions. GOOD JOB!
You know what shocks me the most? Is how you thought you were smart enough to get away with it. When the situation was discussed with certain family members your name was the first one mentioned. So who did you think you were fooling?
I kept asking why. What would prompt you to do this? Is it because I deleted you off my FB? Because YOU blocked me from your wall after I asked if you were dating the SAME person who you now accuse me of cheating on Seth with. Not only that you claim to be his current girlfriend!!! lol RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! He hates drama as much as Seth does. So he wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole. Oh and you should know, that while you blocked me from your FB wall you didn't block Seth. And he saw some things on your FB that he thought were questionable, and said he would prefer I delete you as a friend. So if that is what this is all about, you could have just been an adult about it and asked one of us. Oh wait... Look at who I am talking to. 
Or maybe you think this is retaliation for everything you claim I did years ago. But here is the thing about that.... If I did everything that you claim I did.... You just topped all of it! You are now WORSE than what you said I was. And everything you claim I did....Was YEARS ago. You obviously have not grown up or changed in any way in the last 4 years. 
Normally I wouldn't share how you made my life hell for one night, because I don't want to give you that satisfaction. But I decided to do this for you because I want to know if it made you feel bad at all, realizing just what you did. This wasn't some silly prank. This isn't a giggle we will share in a year. No. You went too far. You went SO far past the line you can't even see it anymore. Normally I would feel bad for someone like you. But I don't. Twice I have tried to get to know a person in your family and this is the second time I have been screwed over. You need to take a good hard look at yourself. Obviously I will never know if you have enough of a heart to feel guilty about this, but you'll know. And if you don't feel bad....Then you should think about what that says about you.
I'm being really nice right now, but if you take this any farther, the gloves come off. And actually... If I ever, EVER get some hard proof that the 3 am phone call was you, I will destroy you. In every way possible. Because as the saying goes.... "I am not a force to be reckoned with and you don't have a clue who you're messing with."  So my advice to you is To grow up, get your own life, and move on.
I have dealt with worse people in my life. Horrible people who have done stuff that even your twisted head couldn't come up with. And I am still here. Consider that.
I really hope you think about what I have said. Because while you might ruin one night for me, I can easily show everyone who you are and ruin your life.
Don't think I won't!!


Love,
Miss