More Broken Than I Realized

This whole week I have had the same round of thoughts in my head. Because of them I can't concentrate, I have no motivation and it's part of the reason I am not sleeping. (The other reason is because Caden has severe pneumonia.)

The last few times that Seth has been here he is so different. Very cold and distant. It doesn't seem to matter how I act or what I do.... I don't get anything warm from him at all. And it finally hit me last Sunday that it's because he is over me. We haven't even filed the divorce papers yet, and he has already moved on, and is shutting me out.
And I can't handle it.
Realizing that broke something inside me.
I see everything about me that irritates him, everything I did that drove him away, every mistake I made, every chance that I should have been better.
And I can't blame him for leaving, and wanting to stay gone. If it wasn't for Caden he would have run away from me long ago, and stayed gone.

I'm not a fool. I know that I was miserable in our marriage. But maybe it's my own fault, maybe I was too selfish or too demanding, too judgmental, and too closed off. I know I don't know how to show someone how much I care for them. And I can't ever say the things that scare me the most outloud.... I don't know how to share myself or trust anyone else. It wasn't something I learned. My little sister and brother are the same way. We use sarcasm to push everyone away, and we surround ourselves with walls that no one is able to get through.
And it's not fair to the ones who try to love us.

I miss Seth.
I miss him so much that I barely remember my days. I remember every night, trying to fall asleep without him in bed, without him even being in the same area code. And I just wish he was here. I just want to have him hold me, and tell me it's going to be ok. Because I don't feel ok. I feel like life is drowning me and I can't catch my breath. I am so tired and worn out all the time. I am so fed up with my son seeing me cry every day.

And it's taking it's toll on Caden too. He misses Seth so much. He crawls into bed with me many nights, he sits in the kitchen when I cook, he tries to follow me into the bathroom, twice this week he cried after I dropped him off at school.... I feel like the worst mother in the world. I can't make him happy. I can't give him what he needs, both of his parents together.

I should be angry.... I should be so angry at Seth for so many many things.... But I'm not.
My life is broken with him not in it. I feel broken.
How do I get through this? Everyone keeps saying to take it one day at a time.... But I get worse as each day comes and passes me by.

I keep thinking about how short life is. What if there was a horrible accident and Seth died? Could I handle him dying, knowing that I didn't tell him that I loved him that day? Knowing I didn't hug him goodbye? Every morning I wake up and I look for him in bed. My hands stretch out trying to find him. And I have to force myself to open my eyes, and see, that it's another day and he isn't here.

He promised me... Over and over he promised me that he would never leave me. That he would always be here and he would always take care of me. He promised!!!!! But I can't really even be mad at him.... I pushed him away. I always knew he'd never keep his promise, and I pushed him away. It was my fault.
One day Caden will see that this was all my fault. His whole life destroyed because of me.
And he will hate me the same way I hate my mother.
Despite my best intentions to the contrary... I have turned out just like her.
And I will end up miserable and alone like her too.

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