Friday, November 5, 2010

Disclaimer: Adult Content.

I am a religious Private Practice viewer. Every Thursday I take a hot bath, drink some wine and watch Grey's Anatomy and then Private Practice on my DVR.
I know I am not the only one who was affected by tonight's episode of Private Practice.
One of the main characters, the tough as hell-no one messes with her ever doctor Charlotte King, was brutally attacked by a man. He lacerated her arm, broke her hand, her shoulder, her nose, her eye socket and then raped her.
For a billion different reasons that you could only get if you watched it tonight, this was one eye opening episode.
But for me it hit very close to home. It awakened memories I thought I had buried deep. A reference point in my life I could gloss over and not have effect me.
8 years ago I was raped.
I was 17. And I thought the world was mine. I had left my parents home in Arkansas and moved back to California to be with my then best friend and her brother, my fiancée. I ended up moving to a ranch that belonged to an old family friend. A ranch that my mom had worked at, training horses, and where I had worked. 11 years old, spending my summer mucking  out stalls, bathing horses, and wandering the lush country side.
Moving there was wonderful. I was surrounded by horses and dogs and baby sheep. I was in heaven. My boss was a woman. Her husband had left her (A few months before) and the ranch they had spent their whole life building to be with another woman. She was happy to have the company and I was happy to be there.
One night she was going out with some friends and I was in charge of closing up the barn and feeding the horses for the night. Her husband was there that night, he would come and do some things around the property on occasion. She was nice enough to let him still keep cars and such on the property and he would work on them on weekends.
I had finished up feeding and raking the walkways and was drinking some water in the tack room when he came in. I asked him to look at a tooth that was bothering me, he was a dentist. But while he had his hands on my cheeks he was not looking in my mouth, but in my eyes. And it scared me. I was all of a sudden aware of how stupid I was. I tried to make some comment about going home and calling my boyfriend as I shrugged him off and walked away. But he grabbed the back of my hair and threw me into the wall. I was stunned. I kept wondering what I did wrong, why was he mad at me? He was like a grandfather. He taught me how to drive a hay baler. I went to get up and he punched me so hard in the stomach I couldn't breathe. I fell onto some saddle blankets and couldn't get up. I remember gasping like a fish while he pulled my pants down. And my mind could not wrap around what was happening. What he was doing to me. Months of sex with my boyfriend, but this hurt like I was being torn in two. And I couldn't understand what was being done to me.
I screamed. But he laughed. No one could hear me. There was no one for miles. And the dogs just sat there, watching.
When he was done, he was so calm. He leaned in really close to my face and told me no one would believe me. Then he got up and walked away. I don't know how long I had lain there. But eventually I got up and walked the half mile in the dark to the house. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I just took a shower and went to bed. The whole next day I was in a daze. That afternoon when I went home for lunch My boss was there. She screamed at me. Threw dishes at me that cut me and left scars. He told her that morning that I had begged him for it. I tried to calm her down and tell her but she wouldn't listen.
I was sitting on the floor, bleeding, and she leaned down and said "No one will believe you. Everyone knew your mom and that she was a liar. No one will believe you." Then she left.
I cleaned up the glass, and called my best friend Mike. I told him to come and get me. That I was leaving. He called my boyfriend and they came that night and took me to a girlfriend's house for the night. I made plans to go live with an Aunt and Uncle, and the next day my boyfriend took me to their house.
I didn't tell my boyfriend what happened. He had been my best friend for 6 years, and he would have killed him. And all I could think of was that I could not let him go to jail for me. He broke up with me a few days later.
I told no one what happened.
Who could I have told? I had no mother. No one to hold me and make me feel safe. No one to tell me I would be ok. I was scared shitless waiting for my period.
And I blamed myself. My first step-dad had been very abusive. And isn't that the statistic? Once abused you are twice as likely to have it happen again.
Once attacked you are always a victim.
I can't tell you how to make the pain of rape go away. I can't tell you how to prevent the flashbacks. Or how to stop the nightmares from reoccurring.
I can tell you that when you think you have moved on it will will haunt you unexpectedly. I can tell you that in the worst moment it will debilitate you. When you are all alone is when you will remember and cry and no one will be there to hug you.
February 2003 I was raped by a man I knew and trusted. I was 17 and I was so in love with life. Some stupid TV show that I love brought those memories back to me almost 8 years later.
And all I know to ease the pain right now is to write it out, and hope it won't haunt me all night. 

17 comments:

Dazee Dreamer said...

I am truly sorry that you had no one to turn to. You needed someone. Here is a big *squeeze*. That dude is a rat bastard and hopefully karma will get him and your boss.

Kristina Lynn Hudson said...

I'm so sorry. How horrible. It makes me angry that he got away with it, but mostly it makes me angry that no one was there for you.

Joy said...

I am sssooo sorry :( I never knew that happened. That is something no one should ever have to remember or go through.

Ange said...

Thank you so much for sharing this story. You know me, and know that I talk openly about things in my past on my blog, but I have never found the strength to talk about a similar situation that happened to me when I was 15, which still affects me from time to time these days. Mad kudos girl.

♥ you!

JoJo said...

I am so sorry you had to experience that abuse. It is so upsetting that this asshole got away with his crime. And that plate throwing bitch was just in denial. She knew the truth. Like dazee said I hope Karma gives these people what they deserve.

The Queen said...

Heart breaks for you my dear.. that was a tough show to watch...

Mami said...

I am sorry you are going through that. I completely understand. I am that person, a few times over. I was molested by an uncle, many times, sexually harrased by him just about everyday. Also by my mom's friends brother. Raped by my moms boyfriend, and raped by this other person I knew of. I was also the one whom I guess guys, boys just "knew" I was terrified and just shut down and they just wanted to molest and touch me, I too was in that daze many times. It is just something that you can't stop. All this was before I hit 8 years old, I had noone to turn to, my mom knew of nothing. She was too busy working and going to school, she was a single parent. All this went on from probably as young as age 6 all the way until age 15, and not just one person. My mom now knows of my uncle, and her boyfriend, whom is now dead, karma got him good with OD.

much hugs to you.

Mel said...

I am sorry you had to go thru this and feel so alone. Its unfortnate that this is a 'common' thing. Myself included. My daughter is a result of said assault. So I feel your pain. I am a Private Pratice watcher. I haven't gotten to that episode yet. Its still in my dvr and truth be told I'm not sure if I'm as brave as you to watch it. I hope you were able to sleep that night. Big hugs to you. I hope you now have the support you need. Your not alone in this.

Nikki said...

I wish I'd been there for you then, but we met too late. I'd have chopped his balls off and served it to him for breakfast. Loraina Bobbit (sp) would have looked like a Disney character.

I've had something similiar happen and I honestly can't remember if I ever told you about it. This is a tough subject for anyone to talk about, and the fact that you put it out there shows how far you've come and healed since then. It's still painful, but it hasn't stopped you from living and enjoying life. It's made you stronger, it's made you tough, and that bastard will always be weak.

I love you Honey Cheeks!

Seth said...

I Love You! Im sorry that this show happened while I was away and I wasn't here for you love.

More then not being there that night, I wish I would have been around just a few months earlier cause I guarantee that he would not have gotten away with it if I was. We all love you as all these other wonderful and strong women have shown here. Caden and I will always be here for you!

Untypically Jia said...

When I say that I know how you feel, it's not just a cliche statement. I really, know how you feel. I've been there. I didn't talk about it either. Not for years.

It took me a long time to realise that I wasn't a victim, I was a survivor. So many girls have this happen and they end up dead. Either from the attacker, or somehow letting circumstances of the attack itself slowly kill them.

Good for you for surviving.

You should check out violenceunsilenced.com (there are some triggers on the site, but it's dramatically helped me.

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