Friday, September 17, 2010

I've learned a few things about myself the last few days.

When I started this blog one of my goals for it was to talk about some of the hard things I learned about myself. The last 2 days I have done a lot of thinking and learned 2 things.
1. My parents didn't teach me a dam thing about money.
My mom would flip her lid if she knew I said that. But it's the truth. I think parents don't realize how much they teach by example. See...On occasion my mom would show me how to balance my check book, remind me to pay my bills, and she might have yelled at me once not to spend more than I had.
But the money lessons I learned came from what her and my step dad did themselves.
I remember that the times we didn't stress about money, was the times that we didn't have any. My first step dad was awesome at getting fired or quitting his job. Why bother taking care of your 4 kids when you could stay at home all day and spend money? See when we didn't have the money to spend, that's when they spent it. They paid everything with credit cards, we went out to eat instead of buying groceries, cash from small jobs took us to movies. The money didn't go to paying bills.
When both of my parents were working then we were strapped. We rarely had food in the house because the money went to pay off the debt incurred. When you get 3 months behind on the electric bill it's hard to pay for food and gas. And even then my mom would say "If you only pay them ten bucks a month they can't shut you off because you're still technically making payments!"
So how does this effect me? (Trying to be brutally honest with myself here...)
I am nervous about going back to work because I think we'll be more miserable and be more in debt.
How stupid is that? I should be happy because it will get us out of debt. But in my head I see it completely back-ass-words. It makes me stress out just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong... I am way excited to go back to work! But the thought of getting my check makes me nervous.
Oh...and I also have the tendency to blow the last 20 bucks in my pocket instead of putting it towards a bill.
Yes I know...I'm one screwed up wench.
The second lesson I learned this week is a much harder one to talk about.
2. I don't have the safety filters other people do.
Let me try to explain.
If you're talking to a complete stranger, and he gets to close or he puts his hand on the small of your back, or makes an inappropriate comment Your first reaction is to tell him to back the F off or do something physical.
Mine is to be nice so that I don't hurt his feelings.
After MUCH research I know that the reason I am like that is due to the sexual abuse I suffered as a child. When something like that happens to you as a child, you might feel something is wrong, but when it's an adult doing it to you, you know that you're supposed to do what they tell you to. So you suppress that feeling that tells you something is wrong.
And that's what I have done my whole life. Suppressed the feeling that something was wrong and then made up excuses in my head as to why it was my fault. (I know...I asked my mom for therapy as a kid and a teen but she never listened.)
Sometimes now, as an adult, I find myself in a situation where I don't feel comfortable. I feel like something is wrong and I don't know why. But, without even thinking, I blame myself for it and I squash that feeling. And then later in the day when I am trying to puzzle it out, I realize that I put myself in a compromising position that could have hurt me badly.
It's a scary thing to realize that I don't have that urge in me to keep myself safe.

Well those are the two things I have learned about myself. Now where to go from here so that I can fix what's wrong with me?


5 comments:

Dazee Dreamer said...

try to learn to tell the person that is invading your space to leave your space immediately. It takes some work, but the more you say it, the easier it will flow out of your mouth. practice what you will say even. out loud. don't just do it in your head.

I'm so sorry that you were abused as a child. my heart goes out to you.

Amy J - Book Addict said...

Girl, I so wish I could give you a big hug right now.

For the money thing--I am in the same boat! I even have bankruptcy under my belt after a divorce!

email me when you need to anytime!
HUGS and here is another bottle of the finest whiskey!! LOL

The Queen said...

and you want to protect the Royals? I think we need to band together to take turns protecting you. No one should touch you or come in your personal space..and the royals are great at seeing they don't!!

Donda said...

I have been boiling over for a week now...anybody you would like me to take out? I hear ya on the money thing...seems like the more you have the more you spend.

JoJo said...

I'm the same with money. I love spending it and have no concept of saving. Lucky for m my husband is extremely economical, so I guess we balance each other out that way.