I am so full of anger and hurt.
But I don't really know what to say.
I hate you both for being so stupid.
And for using each other like pawns in the most evil game.
And yet...I mainly just pity you both.
How empty and unhappy you must be,
to fill your book with new ways of hurting me.
I used to be so jealous of you both, you always had each other.
And I always wanted to be a part of that.
But now I see that the only thing holding you together is misery.
And all I ever did was escape and leave you two to stew in it.
Every word you say has barbs that hurt. How can that make you happy?
You always make me wonder what is so horrible about me that you can't love me.
And it's not fair.
And I hate you for it.
You are my family. You have to love me. And you don't.
And yet....I have so many who love me purely because they want to.
You have given me more tearful memories than joyful ones.
You have made me hate myself, and lose faith in myself.
And doing that makes you wrong.
It's at this point you will get on your soap box and preach to all who can hear that I am blaming you for all the bad I have done. But that's never been the truth. I'm calling you out on how you make me feel, and despite your laughter my feelings do matter.
I have tried to wish evil for you to ease the ache I feel, but I can't bare the thought of being like you. Instead I cry for you. For the pain and anguish you put yourself and everyone around you through.
A black cloud sweeping low, sucking the life out of all you pass over. You make me freeze inside from the lack of warmth. And still I cry for you. Still I put myself right out there. Just waiting for the next twist of the knife to shave off more of my heart.
When will you be satisfied? How many more tears need to spill so that you are done?
I no longer know if I will make it out from under you alive.