All of these tears I cry, trying to wash the pain from my eyes.
But you keep stabbing at my heart.
How do I have any pieces of it left?
You love cooking up heartache,
And I love scrubbing away the stains.
You wouldn't believe all the time I've spent hoping it was all my fault.
It's been so long, I don't even know when the last time was that you loved me.
I remember how the thought of you loving me made me feel.
So special, completely undeserved.
But this pain you've left in your wake is oh so familiar.
The pain of leaving.
The pain of lies.
The pain from being stupid enough to believe again and agin.
You break and you take.... But you give me a bounty of cleansing tears.

I feel like this is a post that will continually be updated....

The other night I was talking with a friend of mine, and I made a comment about wanting to lay out in the sun and get started on my tan before an upcoming music festival. Their comment to me was "Why not use a tanning bed again?" I laughed because my son had said something similar a few days before. When my son said it, I immediately dismissed his comment with the thought process of "Maybe one day I can afford things like that again." But when my friend suggested it, I couldn't get the longing out of my head. Years ago, when I was married and working full time, things like going to the gym, tanning, getting my nails and hair done, and getting my eye brows waxed, were all general upkeep of Me. They were my time to gather myself and feel pretty. (I really miss a nap in a tanning bed.)
A few years before my marriage ended, I stopped doing those things. My, soon to be Ex-Husband, wanted me to spend more time at home caring for our son. Quitting my full time work meant simplifying, and simplifying meant discovering my natural hair color, my natural nail bed, and tanning by the sun when I did yard work. I didn't mind it much. My Ex told me he never noticed or cared for those things anyways, and I was contributing to my family.
But now, looking back, I realized I gave up doing things that made me happy. Things that made me feel pretty and confident.
It's slightly demoralizing to realize he didn't give up the things that made him happy. And the girls he left me for, weren't natural anything. Not only did he not care about what made me happy, but I didn't care enough about myself to make something that made me feel good a priority.

Now I am a single mom. Working full time and fighting every month for some kind of child support. And I keep telling myself that one day it'll be easier. I tell myself that my son doesn't care what I look like, because he's getting what he needs. (His asthma medications, his school pictures, new shoes...) But maybe one day he will care how I feel about myself? Tanning beds and Gel Nails, might not be in my near future, but I do need to get creative in finding ways of regaining my confidence. In feeling beautiful as a Single Mom.