Tuesday, January 11, 2011

100 Answers... Hey.. It's a Royal Thing.

Before I start this post I wanted to remind you all that I am now a CSN Stores Preferred Blogger!

Which means I can tell you all about their great products including this month's featured product
modern rugs 
If you have been living under a rock and haven't heard of CSN then stay tuned for more from them next month!

So you might not have heard yet that the Royal Princess CB has returned....
One Crazy Brunette Chick
And she brought one hunk of a man with her!!
That's right....
CB Has a body guard!

He has been working hard.... Even got CB to answer 50 questions about herself!!.
I know right??? I am also unsure as to how she was able to do that without one bajillion smoke breaks.
However now the Princess, PWT, has done hers too.
Or well half.... After all it is 50 questions!
Not to get left behind... And I know you all want to know... I am going to answer them myself!

1 - How old do you act?
Depends on the day. I can go 19-62 faster than Kyle Busch can turn left.

(That's right CB I said it!!)

2 - Why is the sky blue?
The sky appears blue to us on a clear day, because the atoms of nitrogen and oxygen in the atmosphere separate the suns white light into its many colors, and scatter them throughout the atmosphere.

Um Hello... I am taking CHEMISTRY!!

3 - Do you burp, fart, or both in front of others?
I have to reiterate CB's answer... We don't say the F word here.

Despite what some people believe, those who really know me, know that I am not crude in any way. So my husband finds it hilarious to tickle me until I fluff or pee myself. 

4 - Someone's writing a book based on your life.  What would the title be?
"The Next Movie Lifetime Will Make"

5 - How many days in a row can you go without taking a dump?
None.... As in I don't do that. 

6 - Favorite childhood cartoon?
My Little Ponies.

7 - Have you ever caught someone in the act of masturbating?
Oh Lord.....

8 - Favorite food to make/bake/cook/etc?
Anything easy that everyone thinks I am Mmmmmmarvelous for making!

9 - What's one redeeming quality about mushrooms?
Candy Cap mushrooms are so sweet they make ice cream, and you don't have to add sugar!

10 - What's wrong with Richard Simmons?
 The fact that it's 2011 and he still gets perms. Duh! That chemical fries your brain.

11 - Name one celebrity who needs to come out of the closet.
Simon Cowell.... Why do you think he is so mean all the time?

12 - Name one redeeming quality about asparagus.
How about it tastes Divine!

13 - If "We Are the Champions", what are you?

14 - What's something they taught you in school that should never be taught to anyone?
Anything past Long Division. Seriously.... Who uses anything beyond that??

15 - What's the deal with Steven Segal anyways?
Same as all the rest of the actors from the early 90's.... They can't get over that the 90's are long gone... And took their careers with em.

16 - Name two movies that should have never been made.
DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS.... Nothing else is coming to mind.

17 - Do you enjoy to point, stare, and laugh at others?

Mmmmmm Not so much. My generation texts all it's nasty comments.

18 - Name one or more words that every time you hear them, make you cringe.
I won't say... But pretty much any term that talks about a "Lady Blossom" as food.

19 - Have you ever put anything up your ass?
Just my broom stick.

20 - What can you do better than most?
Mock Humility.

21 - Have you smoked pot?
22 - Would you wrestle a member of the same sex, nude, in pudding for 10 minutes for one million dollars?
DONE! And somebody better be recording.

23 - Happiest moment of your life?
When I passed my College placement test in the 97th percentile was pretty awesome! 

24 - Name in order, the body parts of the opposite sex you notice first.
1. Smile

2. Hair
3. Eyes
4. Hands
5. Butt

25 - What or where's the furthest you've been away from home?
Keffalonia, Greece.

26 - Have you ever been to Africa?
LOL Um.... No.

27 - Can you currently do a split?
How about I try it naked.... And no one notices if I can't?

28 - What's better - a knee-jerk reaction or a polish knee slap?
I always fly by the seat of my pants....

29 - Ever given anyone a dutch oven?
I don't know what this is.... And judging by CB's reaction I am better off not knowing.

30 - What's your favorite kind of apple?
Whatever is in a soft and warm apple pie.

31 - Favorite Muppet?
I always love MissPiggy!

32 - Squash just doesn't sound very tasty.  What say you?
Squash is amazing! Especially BBQ'd.

33 - How many sexual partners have you had?
I've never had sex.

34 - Favorite number?

35 - Favorite type of pet?
Oh hmm... I think, as Vet Tech.... It's unethical of me to choose just one.

36 - Favorite sexual position?
Just go  with whatever you're picturing right now.

37 - Least favorite sexual position?
Whichever one isn't fun!

38 - Is it better to give or receive?
I prefer both.

39 - When's the last time you vomited?
A few days ago. I do it all the time.

40 - Name one product you use that everyone ought to use.
Chi-Silk. It makes your hair strong, shiny and healthy!

41 - What's worse - having your period or spraining your ankle?
Periods are gross.

42 - What sport can you play well?
I'm a hot chick... So all of them. 

43 - What's the funniest thing you've heard/seen/done in the past week?
Rescuing feeder mice from school yesterday was funny!

44 - Are you interested in being friends with someone on death row?
Ick! NO!

45 - What's 4+3*800/3?
See question 14 for the answer.

46 - Who would make a better President - Sarah Palin or Cookie Monster?
Neither... I can't stand either of their voices.

47 - Have you ever done a snow angel in the nude?
DUH! But it was on a dare.

48 - Who's your favorite Golden Girl?
Blanche. Because I plan on being a slut when I am that old.

49 - Have you ever taken a dump out a window?

We don't discuss that! EVER!

50 - Favorite kind of ice cream?
Mint Chocolate Chip. But only from Breyers.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Royal Vet: Princess CB and her Flamingo.

Some of you might remember that right before our Princess CB ran off to places unknown. she requested a Flamingo and the Queen granted that request. 
What I never shared with you is all CB's preperations for her Flamingo.
Why am I doing this now?
Well because CB has requested (For the umpteenth time) that I give her a list of how to take care of her flamingo. I print it out all the time!! I have taped it to her cell phone, taped it to her bottle of gin, put it in her makeup bag, and even glued it to her smokes. 
But she keeps asking for it!
So I am going to post the pictures, and also her list here..... 
I betcha she won't forget it now!

When the request was accepted by the Queen, CB and the Duchess headed to Vegas.
Why you ask?
Apparently spending time at the Flamingo helps you prepare for owning a flamingo.

I know... I didn't get it either. But whatever.
She did come home with all sorts of Flamingo-esque apparel.
She even hired these two clowns to walk around the Castle wearing them.
She felt it would help the Flamingo feel more at home.
I am hoping she just loved this color pink.

I am still unsure as to why she bought this purse.....

It couldn't hold more than her phone and her eyebrow pencil!

She did come home with this SUPER cute Flamingo-Pink Car.
I wanted it SO SO SO Bad...
But to be nice I bought her this license plate cover for it:
And of course the Queen gave it it's own parking spot:

The whole Castle got into the arrival of the Flamingo!
So we decided to throw CB 
"Happy Flamingo Party"
(Yes it was just an excuse to drink....So?)

Donda got her this cute sign:

The Duchess got her a "Flamingo Drink Stirrer"
We tried to explain that the cup was not a Martini Mixer with holes for pouring....
But ya... The Dutch didn't get it.

The Queen got her this magnet:
But stated that it's only for the Flamingo!!!

I brought the cake:

Jen the Bartender knew CB needed to be gently led to the idea that she would have to clean up after her flamingo so she brought her this:

I'm still not sure we convinced her that Flamingo poop is not really pink....

Jen the Makeup Artist, as is her usual way, decided to go risqué:
After all... When have you seen a Flamingo into Bondage?
That whip was real too.

PWT picked up this sign for the driveway:
After all... Ariana doesn't need to kill the UPS guy for running over the Flamingo during his daily Gin drop off.

And Gucci brought the flamingo it's first airplane outfit:
....You know...For when it's flying.

The Dame decided to make it Royal Flamingo Week!

The Royal bratts put on a show:

And then the real entertainment began:

What happened after that is locked in the Royal Vault. 
But I am sure your imaginations can fill in the blanks.

Now for the rules of taking care of a flamingo!

1. No marrying the Flamingo.
I mean sure... He won't whine when you burn dinner. 
But do you know how hard it will be to get child support from a bird??

2. Keep the Flamingo away from gnomes.
It's an all out war over garden decorations... And they have no mercy!!

3. Synchronized Flamingo Swimming is cool...
But it's also animal abuse!

4. Your flamingo sleeps outside in water...
So you should probly return this.^^^

5. Flamingo costumes are just tacky.

And I WILL NOT wear them while feeding the flamingo CB!!

6.  Keep an eye out for places like this....

Their flamingo tastes gamey.

7. Remember If you use flamingo TP it might turn your Hooey pinker...
The whole castle thought they had an STD again.

8. Be aware of imitators!!
Your flamingo needs to keep it real ya'll.
No posers.

9. Flamingo's NEVER need plastic surgery


And last but not least....
10. It is now illegal in the state of Kansas to try to outdo the flamingo face with the platypus face, so deems the Queen.

This perp is currently undergoing a public flogging.

I think you're ready... In the Queen's own words...

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The Royal Vet: The Other Side of the Queen.

It's very rare that we share any personal info on the Queen herself. However it's Saturday and I am.... fairly certain... She won't be around here any time soon.
Fairly certain....
Any who... The Queen has her own makeup artist who keeps her looking surprisingly young and nubile for photo shoots and press conferences... But I am going to show you the side of the Queen that only those of us who live with her daily get to see.
This isn't for the faint of heart.....
Most of the time you see The Queen looking like this:

Or like this:

Pretty typical Queen-Esque behavior. 
However it's when she is drunk and pissed off that you need to be careful!
One time the Royal BarTender was out sick with a NASTY bout of the flue, The Queen was drunk drank all of her gin and lost her bottle of gin. She thought someone stole it!!
This is the picture the security feed caught of her tearing the cleaning lady a new one:

Ya poor Gretta... We gave her a very lovely funeral though.

When The Royals held their road trip and they all came to visit me in California we had complaints over the Queen's swimsuit.
But she was bound and determined to get a tan!!

Most people don't know the Queen sleep walks around the castle either:
Maybe she was a samurai in another life?
All I know is there is a special beat down waiting for whomever gave her that dam sword.

One year, on her Queening Anniversary we decided to give her a gift!

She didn't find it as funny as we did though:

That was a bad week for us.....
No one slept!

Sometimes the Queen gets it into her head to be an activist for Child Safety.
While we all applaud her effort....Her tactic leaves much to be desired.
She drives around neighborhoods in this van she had specially made:

And then when a child gets in the van... They see her with no make up on:

She believes it will teach them all not to get into vans with strangers... But we have had complaints from parents.

Of course we get complaints because she keeps trying to make the People of Walmart!!!

Oh Shut Up wimp!!!
This is the tamest picture I have.

But the scariest thing about the Queen... And I do mean the SCARIEST...
Is what happens when she gets mad.
Not just pissed, upset, or drunk.
She gets eerily quiet, her eyes get kind of glazed over, sometimes she will even giggle to herself....
That night we will hear her... dancing naked in the yard around a bonfire, 
chanting "I WILL CUT A BITCH!!"....
and covered in, What we hope is just, warrior paint. Wearing only an alligator head and a necklace of gator teeth.....
We all know the next day the papers will report a brutal killing.

I happen to have some pictures of her "Special Gear".
New Years day I woke up in a strange room in the castle I had never been to before. I wanted to get out before I got caught by the Baddest Body Guard we have and accused of something....
But as I was crawling around looking for a door I saw them:
Her Special Gator Helmet:

and Her tooth necklace:


Thankfully I made it out with only my corneas slightly burned.... I was able to snap a shot of her modeling in her bedroom alone... Something that I can only hope is a Halloween costume:

HeHeHe I have too much fun with my camera phone!
Last but not least... The Queen's pampered pooch and sleeping companion... When she can find her bed:

And there you have it folks. I couldn't make this crap up if I wanted too!
The Queen is not your average... well... Queen.
And that, of course, is why we love her!!