I hate feeling helpless.
I know, I know. No one likes that feeling.
But I think I am one of those people that really hates it more than the majority.
I was raised that if you needed something, you got it yourself.
And if you can't get it yourself then you obviously didn't need it.
I know this quality drives Seth right up the wall. Because I rarely come to him needing help.
I do it myself. And because of that I get cranky, I throw my back out, or I piss someone off.
And if I can't figure something out I get frustrated and give up.
When, if I asked for help, I could have done it.
But with school it's different.
I am asking for help.
I even go to tutoring every morning.
And I am still failing one class by 6 points.
And what happens if I don't bring that 1 grade up???
I have to repeat the whole term.
It's frustrating for me to ask for help and still be failing.
And of course, as Seth reminds me, it really isn't all my fault.
I do my HW before it's due.
I do all of the assigned and extra reading.
I pay attention in class.
I turn in ALL of my HW.
I take notes in class.
I do about 3-5 hours of homework/studying per day.
I take my lecture notes to the gym with me and read them on the treadmill.
And yet.... Prepared or not, about half the test I don't know the answers too.
Somehow I missed that info in all of my studying, or wasn't able to fit the pieces together so that I could understand a question that was worded in a different context.
And it doesn't help that we get the lecture from one teacher, and then we get another teacher's test.
It doesn't help that we are so far behind that our Syllabus is non existent.
I wait every Thursday after class to discuss the following week's schedule with our teacher so that I can let my class mates know what needs to be studied, what HW is due, what tests we will have, and what we will be studying that week.
Some classes have had to be skipped altogether, and our teachers just give us the test for it as a "Take Home Quiz". Which means we have no lecture notes on the subject. And all I can do, after pouring over my 3 books, is Google the answers. The last test like that I still only got an 80%.
We rarely get study guides for our tests or our midterms.
One of our midterms was given to us 3 weeks late, and then we had to wait 2 more weeks to get our progress reports, and when we finally got them it was only our test average AND we only have 3 more weeks to bring those grades up.
Ya. I was ready to scream when that happened!
So I am frustrated, and feeling helpless.
That feeling I hate.
I don't know what to do.
It's hard for me to not feel stupid. Like this is completely my fault for not being able to figure this out. To fix this.
Now, tomorrow, I have to go into class early and sign a piece of paper stating that I realize I am on Academic Probation for the one class I am failing.
32 thousand dollars I paid for this class. And I will owe more if I have to repeat the term.
I know a lot of you will tell me I should just drop out and go to school for something else, but here's the thing....
I love my school.
I love my teachers, my classmates and what I am learning.
And I am REALLY good in this line of work.
I am only a first term student and the Veterinary office that I do clinic hours at once week is already talking about giving me a paid position. That has NEVER happened in the history of my school.
I am so happy! The skills that I am learning I know. I assist my Vet in surgeries already.
And I love love love this line of work.
So I don't know yet just what I will do.
Talking to my teacher tomorrow is step number one.
Maybe talking to the school counselor or the Dean will be step 2.
I am just not sure yet.
I just know I feel helpless and I hate this feeling.
I hate feeling helpless.