Saturday, January 8, 2011

The Royal Vet: The Other Side of the Queen.


It's very rare that we share any personal info on the Queen herself. However it's Saturday and I am.... fairly certain... She won't be around here any time soon.
Fairly certain....
Any who... The Queen has her own makeup artist who keeps her looking surprisingly young and nubile for photo shoots and press conferences... But I am going to show you the side of the Queen that only those of us who live with her daily get to see.
This isn't for the faint of heart.....
Most of the time you see The Queen looking like this:

Or like this:

Pretty typical Queen-Esque behavior. 
However it's when she is drunk and pissed off that you need to be careful!
One time the Royal BarTender was out sick with a NASTY bout of the flue, The Queen was drunk drank all of her gin and lost her bottle of gin. She thought someone stole it!!
This is the picture the security feed caught of her tearing the cleaning lady a new one:

Ya poor Gretta... We gave her a very lovely funeral though.

When The Royals held their road trip and they all came to visit me in California we had complaints over the Queen's swimsuit.
But she was bound and determined to get a tan!!

Most people don't know the Queen sleep walks around the castle either:
Maybe she was a samurai in another life?
All I know is there is a special beat down waiting for whomever gave her that dam sword.

One year, on her Queening Anniversary we decided to give her a gift!

She didn't find it as funny as we did though:


That was a bad week for us.....
No one slept!

Sometimes the Queen gets it into her head to be an activist for Child Safety.
While we all applaud her effort....Her tactic leaves much to be desired.
She drives around neighborhoods in this van she had specially made:

And then when a child gets in the van... They see her with no make up on:

She believes it will teach them all not to get into vans with strangers... But we have had complaints from parents.

Of course we get complaints because she keeps trying to make the People of Walmart!!!

Oh Shut Up wimp!!!
This is the tamest picture I have.

But the scariest thing about the Queen... And I do mean the SCARIEST...
Is what happens when she gets mad.
Not just pissed, upset, or drunk.
Mad.
She gets eerily quiet, her eyes get kind of glazed over, sometimes she will even giggle to herself....
That night we will hear her... dancing naked in the yard around a bonfire, 
chanting "I WILL CUT A BITCH!!"....
and covered in, What we hope is just, warrior paint. Wearing only an alligator head and a necklace of gator teeth.....
We all know the next day the papers will report a brutal killing.

I happen to have some pictures of her "Special Gear".
New Years day I woke up in a strange room in the castle I had never been to before. I wanted to get out before I got caught by the Baddest Body Guard we have and accused of something....
But as I was crawling around looking for a door I saw them:
Her Special Gator Helmet:

and Her tooth necklace:

FREAKY!!!!!

Thankfully I made it out with only my corneas slightly burned.... I was able to snap a shot of her modeling in her bedroom alone... Something that I can only hope is a Halloween costume:

HeHeHe I have too much fun with my camera phone!
Last but not least... The Queen's pampered pooch and sleeping companion... When she can find her bed:

And there you have it folks. I couldn't make this crap up if I wanted too!
The Queen is not your average... well... Queen.
And that, of course, is why we love her!!








8 comments:

The Queen said...

Halloween costume...That is my sunday go to meeting outfit..

and WAlmart?? You dipshit.. that is my favorite outfit for the local PTA meetings...

As far of the rest of that ... lies... all lies...

except the dog ... that's pretty much right on...

You made me giggle snort gin out my nose... THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE READ ALL WEEKEND... I loved this..

Jen Sparkles said...

I love it! I absolutely love it!

CB said...

Oh dear God!!! Mom will have your head for showing everyone the bathsuit picture!!! You know she wasn't quite as tanned as she had hoped to be yet...

I'll give a beautiful eulogy at your wake darling, and I'll be needing special instructions on how to care for my flamingo!!

Love you hookerface!!!

CB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dazee Dreamer said...

Hell, I let you escape. But I really shouldn't have. Being a little bit hungover I should have grabbed all your belongings.

Donda said...

HAHAHA I am going to start calling her Gretel!

Dutchess said...

Oh fucking hell!!!! I laughed right out of my damn chair, and spilled my drink. This was too damn funny. I plead the 5th on the sword. It's in the Ninja bylaws

Gucci Mama said...

So totally fucking awesome.