Monday, December 27, 2010

Mommy Issues.

I remember when I was a little girl,
My mother was amazing.
She was so pretty, and so smart, and she did everything to take care of me and my 3 younger siblings.
Our life wasn't easy by any means, but I remember a lot of happiness.
Don't get me wrong.... My mom was scary too.
I was the oldest.
A child she didn't want, and tried to abort.
But she expected a lot from me, and I worked hard to make her happy.
She wished I was more into horses and less into dolls. 
But I tried to do both.
I loved frilly dresses and pink bows, and climbing trees and sneakers.
And at some point in my life, somewhere around 11, my mom became my best friend. 
We watched "Dawson's Creek" together every Wednesday night.
She bought me all of the Animorphs books, and we took turns reading the series. 
And I kept the house cleaned, cooked dinner, and took care of the kids.
When I was an older teen, her husband at the time was abusive. And she wanted to leave him.
But she took a long time to do it.
She wanted to do it on her terms and I didn't know why.
All I knew was he was hurting me the most, and I was breaking.
She told me once that no one would make her give up her horses again, and I realized that's why it was taking her so dam long to leave him. She didn't want to give up her horses.
One day I couldn't take it anymore and I left home. 
16 and I left and moved back to California, from Arkansas.
And I made my life here.
But through all of it, I never hated my mom. 
I thought she would be happy I at least saved myself.
I thought at some point she would realize that I could have turned to drugs, booze, or whoring, but didn't. And would have been proud of me.
She never was.
I did get mad and hurt when years went by and I realized when I was being used by her, or had been lied to by her. When I realized she left my dad, who was a great man, to marry an abuser. 
But I still didn't hate her.
I was hurt when she got married again and didn't even tell me or send me pictures and I found out months after the fact from a family friend.
But I didn't hate her.
Despite everything I listened to my Mother in Law and had my mom with me when my son was born.
She held my hand and encouraged me to push when I wanted to give up.
And she was the second person to hold Caden, right after Seth.
And after he was born and she went home and we got into our routine of going months at a time without talking, and I heard she was telling people that Seth beat me and hated Caden, I was angry and I didn't understand.
But I still didn't hate her.
And 3 years ago when Seth and I split up and I went to stay with her for a few months, and all she wanted me to do was file for divorce and take away his custody of Caden, and she screamed at me when we got back together, and she accused us of stealing from her and kicked us out while giving us the number to a homeless shelter...I was SO mad. And SO hurt. 
But I still didn't hate her.
I knew I just didn't understand her.
And when I called her 2 years ago,
and I was crying and I told her I had cancer cells growing in my ovaries. 
And I told her I was scared.
And she told me I could only get that from a cheating husband...
I wanted to smack her for being so cruel and stupid.
But I loved my mom.
And over the last 2 years,
When she has refused to talk to me.
Won't talk to her only grandchild,
Wouldn't even make the effort to come see Caden and I when I was an hour from her.
Doesn't even want a copy of his school photo.
Won't answer phone calls, voice mails, texts or emails.....
Now I am starting to hate her.
And I think back to when I was 16 and on my own and I realize she was my mom.
She should have done everything to at least  let me know she loved me.
But she hasn't done that at all in the last 9 years. 
Not once.
She doesn't text me on my birthday, send me anniversary cards, call to talk to Caden.
She is my mom.
And it's ingrained in me to love her.
But I am starting to hate her.

I hate her for never growing the hell up.
I hate her for always being a spiteful bitch.
I hate her for never being able to admit when she was wrong.
I hate her for blaming us kids, for her never being able to do or be what she wanted.
I hate her for always putting her horses over us kids.
I hate her for leaving my dad, purely cause she thought she could do better with someone else.
I hate her for never being their for me when I need her.
For never being the person I could call for love or support or advice.
I hate her for loving my sister more than me when I left home.
I hate her for thinking I am such a disappointment to her.
I hate her for causing so much drama.
I hate her for hurting so many other people, not just me.
I hate her for always pitting my sister and I against each others as though we were constantly battling to see who was better.
I hate her for never telling me I was pretty, or smart, or responsible or any nice thing.
I hate her for never making an effort for me.
I hate her for all of the mean things she has said and done to Seth.
I hate her for never giving him a chance.
I hate her for thinking it's ok to cut us out of her life.

You're such an inspiration
For the ways that I will
Never, ever choose to be.

I know I'm better off.
It doesn't make this hurt any less.
I hope her stupid poodles bring her everything that she is losing out on.

Ya know.... For a girl who grew up without a daddy,
It's odd to realize that I have Mommy issues.


Anonymous said...

Sweetie.. you are a fine young woman.. it doesn't matter that you had no real mother.. You are you..and YOU did that... and you should be proud.. I know I am..

Love and hugs...

but then what do I know.. I haven't spoken to my family in years...

second thought... here's a drink baby girl.. take the night off and give yourself a raise..

love ya bunches.

The Queen

Dazee Dreamer said...

YOu have grown up to be a strong woman. I applaud you for being so honest on here. It's sad to have to actually come out and say that we have some hatred. But it is also very liberating.

Tricia said...

I think the relationships between mothers and daughters are the most complex of any.

Ange said...

I am sorry that your mom doesn't give a relationship with you a fair chance. I cannot understand what would make a parent be like that.

Sending big hugs your way.

middle child said...

Your feelings are totally justified. Don't let hatred brew inside you though. You can try to forgive her but she is toxic to you so you have to protect your heart and your family. And as I always ask my kids,..."Who is your family? Not me, not your dad or your brother/sister. The people who live in your house - that is your family. They always come first."

Twisted Fate said...

That hit close to my heart, I'm going to share a bit of mine with you, you're not alone.

I never wanted to hate my mother either. I always had hope that she would change and grow up but she never did. I too left at 16, I went years without talking to her and I did everything in my power to keep her out of my life. I blamed her for so many things. Our 'relationship' wasn't a good one by any means but I did have her when she was sober and clean for one year-we were bestfriends during that time, and I'm thankful for that. After she relapsed we never had a connection again. Now it's approaching the 2yr mark of her death. It's still unreal. I thought she hated me too, then going through all her belongings we found her journal. I find out how much she loved me, she was so proud of me but she could never tell me that, still blows my mind and still bullshit. Ha.

I too have said she taught me how I never wanted to be, she taught me how I never wanted to live, and to be a better mother for her being such a fucking horrible one. In the end all I could do was thank her for being such a fucking bitch. If she wasn't who knows who I would be today. I love her because she was my mother, but I never ever liked her. To me that's fine. Still is.

You're right you're better off and so is your son. You wouldn't be the strong woman you are without those experiences. Rise above and live YOUR life and allow yourself to be happy. Let her be miserable with poodles and use them as a substitute for human relationships.

Raising my glass to you!


D. Scandal said...

I'm so sorry you have a mom that is like that. You have turned out to be an amazing woman despite her though.