Pity Party.

I remember being 11 years old and crying myself to sleep.
It wasn't a random occurrence by any means.
It was usually a nightly thing.
My sister and I shared a bed and I remember her falling asleep right away and I would be up crying. I was so lonely. I felt so unloved.
I remember praying, actually praying, that someone would be driving past our house, looking for a safe place to leave their baby that they couldn't raise.
And I would find it, and raise it. And it would love me, and we would be our own family.
And I use to ask for that on a nightly basis.
I understand there is something seriously wrong with an 11 year old who would pray for a baby to raise. But that urge to have someone love me completely followed me for years. And of course it got me into lots of trouble.
I worked very hard for my mom and my step father's love. Sometimes I think they loved me. But most of the time they used my emotions to get what they wanted.
Now I have nothing to give and they completely ignore me.
(I should say my mother. I have had nothing to do with my first step father for many years now.)
My mom only saw me and Caden once when I was out there in July.
All of the family together for the first time in close to ten years and she wouldn't make the effort to come see me. She wouldn't even let us come visit her when we called offering to make the hour drive ourself.
Now my grandfather, the only one whom I have ever known, my mom's stepfather, who raised her as a child and adopted her  as his own, is going in for surgery. He is having to have his other leg amputated. A thing that I can't even comprehend happening to me, let alone my grandfather. And my mom is not making an effort to be there for him. My mom, the closest child to them by far! My aunt lives in SoCal and she flew out for two weeks to help out. Everyone else has been calling and texting daily for updates. My mom has not made the effort what so ever.
Apparently we have all lost our usage to her. And I know she gets off on this. She likes to whine and moan to anyone who will listen that her life was so hard. She was the black sheep. And her family disowned her. The simple truth of the matter is that she pushed everyone out. She used every excuse possible to keep them far away.
But the family stayed as close as they could get for the sake of us kids. And they were always there when we needed them.
I'm realizing now how much I have been hurt by having an emotionally distant mom. How much it has hurt my relationships with others. And how it effects me as a parent.
It's weird how I have been able to deal with and heal from all of the physical and sexual abuse, and yet this continues to haunt me.
This person who has made it abundantly clear that I mean nothing to her, I still love, I still ache for, and I still want to love me.
I want to be that baby, and I want for her to be that baby.
Such a crazy mixed up person to have this jumble of emotions.


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