Surviving Motherhood.... Kinda.

I was reading a post earlier today from a mom, that I can totally relate to. Only her son is 4 months old and mine is 4 years old.  Her name is Amanda. @ Impateient with PCOS
She said that at one point she made a confession outloud, that made her feel guilty. I am here to tell her... I said the same thing and more than once. What was this horrible Non-Motherly confession?
"I know why people shake their babies."
We had everyone tell us what a great baby Caden was. That he was so well behaved and could be passed off to anyone, and of course very smart. lol None of those people were with us during the hard times.
Of course while my mom was staying with us those first few weeks home, having a newborn was bearable. As soon as she left life was not worth living. Caden had been collicky. Down to the point where I was eating bread and water daily to figure out what made him have such bad colic. But then my milk dried up. (I found out that was another side effect to the PCOS.) Nothing I did made it better. I was on hormones, vitamins, nightly trips to the La Leche League. Everything I could think of. Nothing worked, and formula made Caden Colic.
If you think hearing a baby cry for hours on end is not a bad thing...Then yuou have never had a baby with Colic. Colic is a painful gas that can take hours to work out. The whole time your baby is screaming. A harsh, mad at you and angry at the world scream, for hours. That when you don't feel good and are already sleep deprived. It would happen about an hour after Seth got home and wouldn't stop till 11 or later at night. (This does not inculde how often he woke up at night due to needing to eat or diaper change.) I would hold him and rock him and sing to him, with tears pouring down my face. I knew he was in pain. I knew he was scared. I still wanted to shake him till he stopped crying. I didn't want to hurt him. I just wanted quiet and sleep. It would get so bad that I would have to lay him down in his crib and go walk around the block to cool down. (Call me a bad mother for leaving a crying baby in a house alone....He is still alive. He might not have been if I had stayed.) I was 20. 2000 miles from my mom, my sister, my grandmother, and my best friend. And this was a nightly occurence. It wasn't until Caden got to be about 7 months old or so that the Colic started to go away. At this point we had spent thousands of dollars on the most expensive baby formula, and it only kinda helped.
I know why parents shake their children. I am more surprised that people shake a crying baby then throw them against a wall. When you reach that point you are so crazy you just can't think. And there is no "Give me a moment to collect my thoughts." The screaming never ever stops.
Reliving that first year is what keeps me from caving into my "I want another baby" feeling that I get every so often.
Yesterday was one of those days where I had to sit and remind myself of all I survived when he was a newborn. I didn't feel well, I was tired, and at 11 last night Caden wakes up to use the bathroom. But then I see him standing on the toilet. lol Still not sure why he was standing on the toilet, but it quickly became aparent that he had used the bathroom in his sleep. (Since he was potty trained, just before 3, he has only done this 2 or 3 times.) But this was bad. He had obviously been having tummy issues. I had been half asleep reading in bed when it happened, and I am trying to wake myself up to the most horrible smell. PJ's were thrown away, Caden got a midnight shower, and then he just wanted to sit in my lap and be held.
And I just sat there and thought about all the times I had been poo'd on. Thrown up on... And how I knew why parents shake their kids. But as I was holding my wet little boy, wrapped up in a towel, all I could think of was holding onto that moment. I know it will get worse. Starting school this year, becoming a teenager....
I know why parents shake their kids. Chances are I am going to want to shake him at some point over the years. But it all felt worth it last night.